


Novella

by Marish_06



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 17:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 129,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4314696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marish_06/pseuds/Marish_06
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Love Story</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seven Devils

Chapter 1. Seven Devils

I was dead when I woke up this morning, I’ll be dead before the day is done.

*

“38 year old female.” 

She feels her body moving, but she doesn’t know how. 

“Possible overdose.”

The voices swirl above her and she wonders if she’s finally done it. If this is what limbo is like. 

“Heart rate 60 bpm. BP 99 over 66. We have her on high flow O2...”

If she was cursed to watch the lives of the ones she once loved continue on without her.

“Ma’am. Ma’am. Can you hear me?...”

She breathes deeply and stares at the blur of faces above her and tries to focus on the light. 

The light. Warm. Comforting.

“Can you tell me your name?..”

The room spins. The light swirls. Her breath escapes her.

“Ma’am. Can you tell me your name?”

“Olivia,” she breathes.

“Ok Olivia, how about your last name?”

The light brightens and its warm glow surrounds her.

“Stabler,” she sighs and allows the light to envelop her, finally leaving the darkness behind.

*

 

“Stabler,” Elliot grunts into his cell phone.

Twenty plus years of this and you’d think he’d be used to it by now. He pulls himself from the warm body that rests beside him and picks up the phone.

“Good morning, Mr. Stabler. Sorry to wake you. I’m a nurse over at Bellvue Hospital. We have an Olivia Stabler here and she has you down as her next of kin.”

“Olivia?” 

He hasn’t heard from her in over two years.

“Yes, sir. Can we expect you here shortly?”

“Yeah,” he snaps out of his thoughts. “Yeah, I’ll be right there.”

He hangs up the phone, climbs out of bed, and begins searching for something to wear. 

“Was that Olivia?” she asks.

“No, Casey. Go back to bed,” he replies once he’s found a clean shirt and pulls it on over his head.

“Then who was it? Where are you going?”

“The hospital,” he answers as he grabs his cell phone and slides it into his pocket. He leans over her side of the bed and kisses her chastely on the lips. “I’ll call you as soon as I know what’s up,” he tells her before heading on his way.

“Love you,” she calls to his retreating form.

“Love you too,” he answers as he heads out the door.

*

He sits and stares at her still form. It’s been two years, three months, and four days since he’s last laid eyes on her. He stares at a shell of the woman he once knew. Her skin is deathly pale and she is thin. Far too thin. Yet despite her ghastly appearance, he can still see the beauty of the woman he once loved and called his wife. 

Her eyes open and she blinks rapidly, taking in her new surroundings. Sadness and disappointment immediately overwhelms her when she realizes she’s failed again. She’s still here. She looks around and her eyes settle on his. “What are you doing here?” she asks in a raspy voice.

“They called me. Apparently you still have me listed as your next of kin. You should probably have that changed.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” she sits up and pulls the IV out of her hand then unclips the monitors from her skin. She stands on shaky legs and moves about the room in search of her clothes.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Out of here,” she answers as she looks in a nearby closet. She slams it closed when she comes up empty handed. 

“Olivia, you need help. Heroine? Really, Olivia? You’re better than that.”

“No. I’m not. You made that quite clear. Where the fuck are my clothes?!” she growls in frustration, running her fingers through her long, scraggily hair. Her fingers snag on the knots and she fights to shake her fingers loose as she looks under the bed and finds a plastic bag with her clothes in it. She sheds the thin material of her johnny and he grimaces when he can see her ribs poke through her skin.

“Olivia, they can help you,” he tries.

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“You know why I care.”

“Whatever. Why don’t you go back to my so-called best friend and give a fuck about her instead. I don’t need your help. I can quit whenever I fucking want to.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Serena, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you. They had you under some pseudonym or something.”

Elliot turns to see a man dressed in an expensive suit standing in the doorway. He is crisp from head to toe. Not a single hair out of place. Clean shaven. Smooth skinned. Hair styled to perfection. His pink tie perfectly matches the pin stripes in his suit. Not a scuff on his shiny leather shoes. His cufflinks match the pin in his tie, and Elliot could swear that even his nails are manicured. He watches as Olivia steps back into red stilettos that match her red dress. “No,” he says and grabs her as she makes to walk past him. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Get your hands off me,” she says and shrugs off his grasp. 

The man grins. “The possessive type, huh?” He grabs Olivia roughly by the chin. “You see this bitch? She belongs to me. You want a turn with her, then you’re going to have to pay just like everyone else.” 

“Pay?” Elliot echoes because he cannot believe his ears. He stares at Olivia, but her eyes avoid his.

“Yes. Pay.” The man reaches in his pocket and flicks a business card out at Elliot. “Call if you want a ride. Believe me she’s worth every penny,” he winks at him then grabs Olivia by the wrist and pulls her out the door behind him.

Elliot remains in a state of shock as he comes to grips with what he’s just heard. He bends down and picks up the fallen business card.

Xavier’s Girls On Call.  
Anytime you want them.  
Anything you need.

Anything you need? What the fuck does that mean?

*

She adds the finishing touches to her hair and looks in the mirror as she does a final once over. She needs new extensions, but this will have to do for now. As she takes in her appearance, she realizes that she barely recognizes herself. Her face is gaunt. Her skin, pale. Her collarbones pop out from under her skin. Though this is all nothing compared to the real issue:

She no longer knows who she is. 

She unplugs her curling iron and heads back into her bedroom to slide into the hot pink cocktail dress. It should cling to her every curve, but she no longer has any. She does a final once over to make sure everything is in place. She adjusts her cleavage to make sure her breasts are exposed as much as possible without revealing any traces of the lingerie she wears underneath. Xavier always wants her to look as sexy as possible so that people know that she belongs to him. Free Advertising is what he calls it. She is his prized money maker and he makes sure nothing gets in the way of his money.

She thinks about how she got to this place. In a way, Xavier had been her savior. He had stalked her for weeks, but she’d avoided him. She didn’t want some pimp to come in and make her do all the work and then take all of her money, but there had been a particularly cold night when things were especially slow and she was itching for a fix. He’d pulled up in his Mercedes and the warm air had wafted around her as he beckoned her to him. As they drove to a nearby hotel, he had discussed his business proposition. He offered to get her out of the ratty motel she had been living in and put her up in the nice apartment she is living in now. To keep a continuous supply of drugs. Whatever she needed or was in the mood for. As long as her drug of choice didn’t affect her appearance. That was all the coaxing she needed, and once he had “sampled the goods,” she was his. He moved her here to her current apartment, but that was only so that he could keep tabs on her at all times. He kept an eye on her every move and she couldn’t go anywhere without him without his permission. She found that out the hard way when she went out for a walk one day and came back to find him waiting for her. He punched her so hard that she lost a tooth, which he had fixed the next day and had her pay for it by screwing the dentist who fixed it right there in the dental chair and again in his office a week later.

Xavier was good at weeding out the psychos, but as long as they were willing to pay the price they could do just about anything with her. Things that she buried in the deepest recesses of her mind. They were able to play out their deepest darkest fantasies with her. Fantasies she would never dream of. The right price made her theirs for the taking and as long as she did as Xavier said, she had a place to live, drugs to keep the pain away, and twenty percent to keep for herself. It wasn’t a bad deal. She figured living her life this way was the proper way to end it. 

It wasn’t like anyone cared. 

No one would miss her. 

“You ready?” Xavier asks from the doorway.

She steps into her gold Louboutins and adjusts her necklace. “Yea,” she answers as stares at herself in the mirror. 

Xavier comes to stand behind her and gives her the once over. “Tomorrow I want you to go and get your hair done, and update your wardrobe. This is the fourth time I’ve seen you in this dress,” he adjusts her breast and gives her another once over.

“I’ll need more money.”

“I’ll pay them when I come and pick you up. And besides, I need to look over what you pick out.”

“I thought you liked my taste.”

“I do, but I still need to approve them.”

She shrugs.

“Let me see your nails,” he demands. she holds out her hands for inspection. “Hmm. Get your nails done, too. And some new lingerie. What are you wearing now?” 

“Black lace. Pink ruffles.”

“That’ll do. This guy paid top dollar for you. He has you for the night, so come back here when you’re done. He’ll pay you at the end of the night. Make sure he becomes a regular.”

“You know I will.”

He tucks a curl into place and smiles. “That’s my girl. Now go, the car’s waiting for you.”

“What about my fix?”

“It’s in the car. You know I always take care of you. Now go. Make me some money.”

*

She waits at the bar and sips her cosmopolitan as she waits for him to arrive. This place has become so familiar to her. They rotate locations to keep the regulars and bartenders from becoming too suspicious, but she’s been here in enough to find its aroma comforting. She knows exactly how the scratches were made in the bar top. The best nights to come when there is a lull in the crowd. She knows the bartenders’ shifts. The ones that want to take her home and the others that are suspicious of her. She almost likes it there except it’s associated with the necessary evil that is her life.

“Serena?” she turns and takes in her John for the evening. This one is boyishly cute and young. 

She smiles seductively. “Yes.”

“I’m John,” he smiles.

“Clever,” she replies and eyes him skeptically. Something about him is off and yet vaguely familiar. Like she’s seen him before, but she can’t quite place him. She may not be a cop anymore, but she hasn’t forgotten anything she learned during her fifteen years on the force. 

“Huh?” he asks.

“Nothing. You ready to go?”

“Yeah, the limo is waiting outside.”

She ignores the pang in her gut and quickly pays her bar tab then slides off the bar stool. She links arms with him and he leads her to the limo. The driver opens the car door and she slides in first.

“So, is this your first time?” she asks as the limo pulls away from the curb.

“What? Me? No, I’m not a virgin,” he answers nervously.

“I meant with a professional.”

“Umm. Yea. It is. How can you tell?”

“You seem nervous. But trust me, there’s nothing for you to worry about,” she says and begins to massage his cock through the thin layer of his pants.

She kisses him slowly and gradually his lips come alive and he kisses her back. Once he is hard she straddles him and delves her tongue deep into his mouth. His hands slide up her thighs and underneath the hem of her dress. She rocks gently against him and she is so focused on her task, her job of making him feel good that she doesn’t notice when the car comes to a stop. She doesn’t hear the footsteps that approach the limo or when the doors unlock. Suddenly the door flies open and strong arms grip her. She tries to fight him off, but he is too strong. His arm wraps around her neck and she feels herself begin to fade as she struggles against him. The darkness surrounds, and eventually envelops, her. 

Once again, she fades into the black.

I was dead when I woke up this morning, I’ll be dead before the day is done.

***

Music Credits: Seven Devils-Florence and the Machine


	2. Seven Devils II

Chapter 2. Seven Devils II

She opens her eyes and takes in her new surroundings. They are strange and yet oddly familiar all at once. She recognizes it as a room she once considered hers. The set up of the room is still the same, but the drapes are different. The bed is covered in a comforter she doesn’t know. The dresser isn’t littered with her perfumes and lotions. The closet is no longer filled with her clothes. It is clear that this is no longer her room. The remnants of her are now long gone. She looks around and spots him sitting in the corner.

“A sleeper hold, El. Really?”

“You wouldn’t have come back with me if I asked you to, and it was either that or chloroform.”

“Why am I here?”

“I want you to stay here for the weekend.”

“No.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“I know what you make. You can’t afford me.” 

He pulls out a wad of cash held together by a rubber band and tosses it at her. “Five grand. Count it.”

She quickly shifts through the money. “It’s not enough.”

“What? You charge more than that for a couple of nights?”

She smirks at him. “I’m worth it.”

“Well, that at least bought me a night so you can consider it a down payment.”

“Fine, I’ll cut you a break.” She leans back against the pillows and arches one her legs, opening herself up to him suggestively. “So, how do you want to do this?”

“I don’t,” he answers, then turns and exits the room, closing the door behind him. 

“What?” She’s off the bed in seconds and tries to follow him, but as she turns the knob to the bedroom door she comes to find that it’s locked. “What the hell? Elliot!!!” she screams. “Let me out of here. Elliot!!!”

*

She’d screamed for him for over an hour, but she’s been quiet ever since. He guesses the effects of whatever she’s been taking has worn off by now, and that she will NOT be in a good mood. He sets down the tray of food and uses a key to open the door. He finds her sitting on the bed, lips pursed.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” she growls.

“Olivia-”

“No! You let me out of here now!!!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? So help me God, Elliot, if I get out of here, I’m going to have you charged with kidnapping.”

“Please, Olivia, we both know that you won’t, and we both know why you won’t.”

“I wouldn’t be so smug if I were you. I’m not the same person I was before.”

“Yeah, but some things never change. Besides, I paid you. You’re mine until the time’s up. Isn’t that how this works?”

“No. We go by MY RULES, and I’m done with this shit. Let me go!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“You don’t have a choice,” she answers before she lunges at him, punching him in the face. He recoils quickly and is able to block her future attacks. He grabs her hands and she tries to kick him in the groin, but he sees the kick coming and dodges it. He quickly grabs hold of her and tosses her on the bed before quickly fleeing the room, locking the door behind him. She kicks and bangs against it for awhile, then eventually gives up. He sighs and picks up the tray and takes it back downstairs to the kitchen.

*

She’s not quite sure how long it’s been since her last fix, but she knows the effects of the heroine she used in the car have long since worn off and the pain she’s kept at bay by being in a near-constant drug induced euphoria is beginning to seep its way back in. She needs to get out. She’s tried the windows, but she’s too high up to jump. She’d just end up breaking something. That is if she survived the fall. She wants to break the door down but she doubts she can get through it without hurting herself in the process and she’s afraid of who might be on the other side. So she sits and waits.

More time passes and she swears it’s been hours. She’s hot. No. No. She’s cold. That’s why she’s shaking. But her skin is on fire and sweat seems to pour from every pore on her body. But the pain. The pain is by far the worst. It is damn near unbearable. It makes her bones ache and the sheets against her skin feel like needles, but the worst of it. The worst of it seeps into her heart and makes the tears start to flow. It grips it and makes it hard to breathe, and she’s had enough. She needs something to take the pain away. Something to make it all go away. This time for good.

She stumbles into the bathroom and searches the medicine cabinet, but he’s thought ahead and the cabinet is already empty. She looks below and can only find toilet paper and boxes of tampons, hair supplies; nothing useful until...

She comes across a plastic bag.

And in that bag she finds her savior. 

She quickly tears apart the box and her hands tremble as she fights with the fucking child proof cap on the Tylenol bottle. Finally, she gets it open and tries to shake some into her palm, but the trembling in her hands causes the pills to fall and scatter on the floor, and Fuck It All To Hell. She holds the bottle to her lips and shakes it’s contents into her mouth and swallows, but the pain does not subside. So she swallows more.

And More.

And Mo-

“No!” she hears a voice, but does not recognize it. She screams when he knocks the bottle out of her hand. “How much did you take?” the voice asks, but she really doesn’t know. All she knows is that it still hurts, and she needs more pills to make the pain go away. She scrambles to pick the pills up off the floor, but he knocks them out of her hand and kicks them out of her grasp.

He pins her down and pulls her into his lap, shoving his hand in her mouth. She chokes and gags until finally the vomit comes up and he is quick to turn her so that she pukes on the floor and not on herself. He watches her with pity in his eyes as she coughs up the pills she’s just swallowed and then lays beside it and cries. He picks her up and carries her to the bed and cleans her up while she continues to cry. Soon her tears subside and the exhaustion takes over. He cleans up the bathroom while she sleeps and does another once over of the bathroom, all while cursing himself inwardly for missing the bottle in the first place. When he is done, he leaves some things for her so that she can clean herself up some more when she wakes, then leaves her in silence.

*  
When he returns later he finds her huddled in a corner of the room. She has her knees tucked to her chest and she continues to treble as she rocks back and forth. She has showered and changed into the sweats he left behind for her. Her dress now hangs on the door of his closet. He places a tray on the dresser and heads over to where she is. He tucks a damp tendril of hair behind her ear and caresses her face lovingly.

“I brought you some food. Nothing serious, just some dry cereal and some orange juice.”

“Fuck you!” she growls. “You can take your cereal and orange juice and shove it up your ass!!!” She spits in his face.

He sighs and shakes his head as he uses the back of his hand to wipe away her saliva then heads for the door.

“Why won’t you let me go?!” she yells at his retreating form. “Answer me you fucking son of a bitch!” He pauses at the door and simply stares at her. “We both know you never gave a damn about me or what I did with my life before so why now?! WHY!!!! Are you trying to absolve yourself of your guilt so you can feel more like a man? Huh? Catholic guilt eating away at you? Or is it because you just now realized how much of a fucking pansy you really are? Huh? Bitch!” 

He loses it. He grabs her forcefully and drags her down the hall.

“What the fuck, Elliot! Let me go!” She yells, but he still continues to pull her down the hall. “Does this make you feel more like a man? Huh? Roughing up a woman half your size. Is that how you get your rocks off now? What? Casey not doing the job for you now? Doesn’t have the moves? Or not tight enough for you?” 

“Shut up!” He growls. “Shut the fuck up!!” Then he opens the door and shoves her inside the room and she freezes when she sees her past come face to face with her present.

She looks around the room at the enchanted forest she painted herself. The words of wisdom and inspiration she inscribed on the walls with her own hand. The collection of toys and dolls she doesn’t recognize. Her tear filled eyes finally settle on the tiny body encased in pink sheets she’s never seen before.

She walks up to bed and falls to her knees in front of it. She touches her reverently, afraid she may disappear the same way she does in her dreams and drug-induced hallucinations. She pulls back the blanket just a fraction so that she can finally lay eyes on her face. Her tears fall when she sees how beautiful she is.

“She’s the reason I’m doing this,” Elliot says softly from the other side of the room. “Because I owe it to her to do everything I can to save you.”

Olivia touches the soft skin of her daughter’s hand and then brushes away the soft wisps of dark hair from her baby’s face. It’s been two years since she’s seen it. It’s been two years and three months since she last held her in her arms. She kisses her forehead and inhales her scent. More tears fill her eyes when she finds that it no longer smells of Johnson’s baby shampoo. That her baby is not her baby anymore.

The tears continue with fury as the lighting white-hot pain of it all strikes her heart. It steals her breath away and causes her to gasp for air. He lifts her and she tightens her fingers in his T-shirt and screams into his chest. Her sobs consume her and he knows that there is nothing he can do to console her. So he leaves her to deal with her sadness alone on the bed. He closes the door behind him and prays that his daughter will never hear her mother’s cries, or feel her mother’s pain.

*

Olivia steps out of the steam filled bathroom and she attempts to towel her hair dry. Her long tresses now touch the center of her back, enhanced by the extensions sewn into her head. She sits Indian style on the bed, clothed only in the short terrycloth bath robe that gapes open, exposing the plane between her breasts and her stomach. She stares out the window and the sparse amount of stars that litter the night sky. She remembers when they used to make love under the moon’s heavy glow. Long nights when she and her daughter would count the sparkly little specks in an effort to lull her baby to sleep. Back when the bed she sits on was their bed. 

The house, their home. 

His daughter, their daughter. 

Back when she had a family.

A life worth living.

It all seems like such a lifetime ago.

The creak of the door opening startles her out of her reverie and Elliot enters with a tray full of food. 

“Brought you something to eat. You must be starving. You’ve been asleep for awhile.”

“Yeah,” she answers. She’s not sure how long she’s slept. She knows it was dark when her tears had subsided and she had finally succumbed to her own exhaustion. The sun had kissed the horizon when she had awoken once again and darkness had fallen when she had stepped out of her shower. 

“Fourteen hours to be exact,” Elliot supplies.

“I guess I was tired.”

“Yeah. I brought you some fettuccini alfredo from Donatello’s. Covered in parm, just how you like it.”

She smirks. She’d become extremely picky during her pregnancy, but always craved the creamy cheesy deliciousness of alfredo. It took him forever to find a restaurant that made it just right. Not too milky. Not too thick and cheesy. Not too strong. Rich. Succulent. She can’t remember the number of places he’d gone through until he came across Donatello’s nearly ten blocks away from their Queens home and, after one particularly bad hormonal fit, he had learned to never forget the parmesan cheese. By the fifth month he’d had her new dietary menu down pat. 

“Thanks,” she says and tries to muster up a decent smile to give him. “How long have I been here?” She remembers days passing. Long nights and even longer days. Vomiting until she swore her insides were going to explode. Even when she had nothing left. Cold sweats and pain. Pain she thought would never end. Pain she still feels in this moment.

“About a week.”

“Elliot, why am I here?”

“Because I couldn’t just sit back and let you kill yourself. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

“But why now? It’s been over two years since- Since you made it clear that you don’t care anymore. So why now?”

“I didn’t know how bad you’d gotten.”

“After you divorced me and took custody of our daughter you made it clear that I don’t matter to you anymore. So why care now?” She questions again with an edge to her voice as she tries to keep her anger under control.

“Because one day she’s going to find out about you, and I can’t tell her that I did nothing to help you. That I just let you die without a second thought. I can’t just let you die this way, Liv.” 

The use of her old nickname reminds her of a time that is nothing more than a distant memory. A piece of who she used to be. A person she is no more. She laughs self deprecatingly. “So that’s it. You don’t care whether or not I die, just as long as you can say you did what you could to help so that you can absolve yourself of your own guilt. You know you’re so full of shit, Stabler.”

“Olivia.”

“Save it! You took her from me! You took her in the worst possible way!!!”

“I had to-”

“No, you didn’t! You didn’t and you know it. You did it to hurt me. Taking her away from me should have never been an option!”

“You put her life in danger!”

“Accidentally! I would never purposely do anything to hurt her.”

“You became careless and reckless with her. I had to step in and protect my daughter.”

Tears fall from her eyes. “She was my daughter too.”

He sighs. This conversation was going nowhere fast. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out another wad of cash. “I’m not sure if it’s enough, but it’s all that I can afford. Hopefully it will keep Xavier off your back.”

She takes the money from him and shifts through it quickly. “You’re right. It’s not enough. You’re about a ten grand short, but I’ll take it. You can’t afford me on what you make anyway, and don’t worry about Xavier. I know how to handle him. Where’d you get all this money anyway?”

“Don’t worry about it. Casey’s going to kill me, but Olivia, I want you to take the money and get yourself some help. You’re so much better than this.”

“Where is she anyway?”

“I surprised her with a week at the spa for her birthday.” 

“El-”

“Liv, at the rate you’re going you’ll be dead by the end of the year.”

She smiles sadly. “That’s the plan.”

He’s startled by her confession. “Olivia, why?”

“Because I don’t have her, and without her I don’t have anything to live for and I’m tired of living a loveless life. Besides. Who would miss me?” 

“I would.”

“Hard to believe when you cut me from your life two years ago and replaced me with my ex best friend.”

“Olivia I…” he doesn’t know what to say to that because from the looks of things she’s 100% right. He decides to change tactics. “I never thought you would give up. I expected you to fight me tooth and nail-”

“With what? After I paid my lawyer I had nothing. I didn’t have a job. I was living in a motel for God’s sake. I had no case to get visitations let alone get her back, so I gave up, because I had already been beaten.”

“I never thought you would become this,” he whispers and shakes his head as his own tears spring to his eyes. “Olivia, if I had known.”

“You’d what? Wasn’t this what you wanted?”

He doesn’t know what to say, because although this is not what he wanted for her, he did want to punish her. He did want to hurt her, break her, and he did. “I’m sorry, Liv. I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t change anything. This is who I am now, and this is how I’ll die.”

“You don’t have to end your life this way. You don’t have to die.”

“Why shouldn’t I?

“Because I still love you.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t say it when we both know that you don’t mean it.”

“I do mean it.”

“Prove it.”

His thinks for a moment and then his lips are on hers a second later. He tangles his fingers in her hair and holds her mouth to his. His tongue traces her lips and he can taste the salt of her tears. She pulls at his clothes and he lets her take his shirt off. His jeans are the next to go. He pushes the robe off her shoulders and exposes her slender frame. He leans her back and tucks her underneath him, and his kisses bruise her heart. He trails them down her neck and then her breast. Just as he is about to enter her she flips him and settles over him. She pulls her hair to one side and she’s the vision of a dream. 

She’s his dream.

He awakes the next morning when his daughter’s voice awakens his senses. He looks beside him and she is gone. Her dress no longer hangs on the door to his closet. The food remains untouched and the money he’d given her lays fanned out on the table beside him. He doesn’t need to count it to know its all there.

“Daddy!” she calls.

“Hey baby girl, what’s up?” he asks and pulls her to sit on the edge of the bed beside him.

“The faiwy came to my woom!”

“Yea? What did she look like?”

“She was vewy pwetty.”

“Really? I wish I saw her.”

“She gimme dis,” the little girl says and holds the gold chain up for him to see.

He immediately recognizes it.

He holds the tiny pendant in his hand and reads the inscription.

Fearlessness.

“Isn’t it pwetty Daddy?”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Is it?”

Both sets of blue eyes look up to see Casey standing in the doorway. 

“Mommy you’re back!” 

Casey pulls the little girl up into her arms and kisses her lovingly on the cheek. “Why don’t you head downstairs and watch some cartoons and I’ll be there in a minute to make you breakfast.”

“Ok!” 

Casey puts the little girl down and waits until she’s out of earshot before she turns angry eyes towards Elliot. “Clinic should be open by now. Be sure to ask them if they have anything that cures being an asshole in addition to whatever shot you need.” 

*  
Weeks later she once again she stares at herself in the mirror and she doesn’t recognize the woman reflected back at her. Her skin is paler than she’s ever seen. Stained by green and yellow bruises. Faint reminders of the beating she received from Xavier when she returned six days later than he intended and empty handed. Her hair is long and stringy. She’s sure she can count every bone in her body through her skin, and grate cheese on her ribs. She’s not the woman she was meant to be. She’s not the cop she fought tooth and nail to become. She’s the mother she thought she’d never be. She was better than this, and she’d be damned if she let her pain and disappointment become her. 

She takes the scissors in her hand and begins to cut away the pain and heart ache. The disappointment falls at her feet, and then she begins on the self-loathing. She picks up the clippers and shaves away what is left of the pathetic person she’d allowed herself to become. When she is done she stares at herself in the mirror. Now with a bald head, she says hello to the new Olivia Benson. Completely reborn and made anew.


	3. Arms

Chapter 3. Arms

One Year Later

Elliot stares at the mountain of paperwork sitting in front of him. He thought that after he made Lieutenant and took control of SVU after Cragen and Munch retired, he’d have less of it to do. 

He was wrong. 

So, so wrong.

Cragen always made it look so easy; everyday in this job he finds a newfound respect for the man who once occupied his seat. Managing his detectives, dealing with the brass and the politics. All of it seems to be never ending. He’s thankful for Finn, who has remained throughout the years. He, too, after much badgering, has become a lieutenant and helps serve as his number two and a leader to younger detectives. The detectives. They’re all over the place. He has a few solid ones that know their stuff and can do their jobs. There are others that he swears are greener than the day they were born. He hopes they will catch on soon, because he’s not sure about the rest. Then there’re the ones he knows won’t make it much longer. He watches how each case chisels at the shiny new armor they walked in with. He can see how the case weighs on their minds, their hearts. He sees how each victim brings them down. How each child breaks their hearts. How each suspect that slips through the loop holes in the system takes a piece of them with them when they walk away scott free. He knows they will not last long. At this point it’s a matter of days before they finally catch the case that will inevitably break them and become their end.

He looks up when there is a knock on his door and smiles when Casey walks in with a bag from their local deli. They were supposed to grab lunch since they haven’t seen each other in days due to the latest case, but he’d had to call and cancel. He guesses that when he told her that he wouldn’t be able to get away to meet her for lunch that she decided to bring lunch to him. Casey Novak no longer works for SVU due to their ongoing relationship. While she still works for the DA’s office, she handles the homicide cases rather than SVU. He wishes there wasn’t the issue of conflict of interest, because he’s never seen and an ADA fight harder for the victims. Although he guesses her correct title is now DA.

“Figured I’d bring you lunch since you couldn’t get away,” she smiles back. She kisses him chastely on the lips.

“It’s ok. What’d you bring me?”

“Soup and a wrap for me, and a salad for you!”

“Salad? C’mon, Casey, what the hell is that going to do?”

“Remember the doctor said you need to watch your cholesterol and it has chicken in it.”

“Fried?” he asks hopefully.

“Grilled.”

He deflates, but opens the container that has his proffered meal. “What kind of dressing did you get?”

“Low fat Italian.”

“You’re killing me, Case.”

“You should be thankful I let you have any at all.”

“Thank you,” he grumbles as he takes his fork out and stabs at some lettuce. 

“So, how’s the case going?” she asks around a bite of her chicken Caesar wrap.

“DNA just excluded our best suspect.”

“That sucks. Any leads.”

“Got Schultz and Walters running down a couple. Finn and Boland are making phone calls, hoping to get a few others.”

“Well, that’s good. At least you’re not completely out of leads.”

“Yeah, but we seem to be running out of them fast.” There’s a knock on his door. “Come in,” he calls back.

A man he does not recognize steps into the room. “Lt. Stabler?”

“Yes?”

He hands him a blue enfolded paper. “You’ve been served.” The man turns around and exits promptly.

He unfolds the paper and attempts to read it but before he can get anywhere Casey has it in her hands and is quickly scanning it over. He watches as her frown increases the further into the document she gets. “Olivia is petitioning for partial custody.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m going to call Sandy and have her on it by the end of the day. There’s no way a judge is going to allow a hooker to have any contact with a child.” With that she packs up what is left of her lunch and heads out the office, taking the document with her.

He simply watches on, dumbfounded.

*

Sandy Ackerman had been his divorce attorney what seems like a life time ago. She’s one hell of a shark and had successfully helped him gain most of the assets he and Olivia had shared and terminated just about all of Olivia’s parental rights. She fought dirty back then, and he helped her. Back then he had been so focused on hurting Olivia, on making her pay for the mistakes that she had made that he lost sight of who he was. Of what he was doing to her life. All he had been focused on was revenge and punishment. On proving a point. There isn’t a time in his life that he regrets more. 

 

She now sits merely feet away from him across at another table. He can’t seem to stop looking at her, though he can’t see much. Both his lawyer and hers block his line of vision, and he can’t be too obvious about it, but he’d caught a glimpse of her as she entered the courtroom and had to do a double take just to make sure it was in fact her. The crème colored pants suit she wore clung to her body in all the right places, highlighting her new, healthier figure. The gold silk camisole helped to conceal her modesty and matched the Chanel pumps she wore on her feet and clutch she carried in her hand. Her hair was thick and fell down past her shoulders, full of life and color. A mix of her own natural color with light streaks of blonde and caramel.

She looked good.

The judge arrived and all parties rose as the honorable judge Madison Blake entered the courtroom. 

“You may be seated,” the judge announced as she too took her seat. “So we’re here to discuss the custody arrangement regarding one Kyle Joelle Stabler. Ms. Benson you’re currently seeking joint legal and physical custody.”

“That’s correct, your honor,” Olivia’s lawyer stands and says. “My client had her rights unfairly terminated close to three years ago. Right now she currently holds a stable job, and can offer a more than suitable environment for the child and has even been cleared by ACS. Their report has been included in the petition. My client is more than willing to offer child support and simply wishes to be given a chance to be in her daughter’s life.”

“Alright, Ms. Scarry. This is family court. I like things to remain as civil as possible while we’re here.”

“I apologize your honor.”

“Noted. Three years. That’s quite a bit of time, why such a delay.”

“My client simply needed some time to fully reestablish herself.”

“Yes, but three years is a long time.”

“We understand your honor, but my client wanted to make sure she would be able to give her daughter her best, and after the events that transpired with the first hearing she needed the time to rebuild herself from the ground up.”

“Your hon-”

“In a minute Ms. Ackerman. You’ll have your chance to argue your case.” The judge peruses the documents in front of her then looks back up. “Ms. Ackerman, you may argue.”

“Thank you your honor. My client has been the sole provider for the child in question during Ms. Benson’s absence and hasn’t seen her in three years-”

“Because your client wouldn’t allow her to,” Lorna Scarry interjects icily.

“Ms. Scarry, you’ve had your chance. It’s now Ms. Ackerman’s turn.”

“I apologize your honor.”

“Continue, Ms. Ackerman,” the judge requests.

“Thank you, your honor. We-” she pauses when she is interrupted by Elliot. “What is it?”

“I don’t want to fight this.” 

“What?” 

“Ms. Ackerman?” The judge questions clearly annoyed.

“I apologize, your honor. May I please have a moment with my client?” 

“Two minutes.”

“What is it Elliot?”

“I don’t want to fight this. Let her have the custody.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“Yes. Give her the custody. Alright?”

“Ms. Ackerman, are you ready?” The judge questions.

“Yes, your honor. At this time we have no objections to Ms. Benson’s petition for joint custody.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, your honor, my client has given it some thought and seems to have had a change of heart.”

“Well, that’s something new…Well, while Mr. Stabler may be ok with allowing Ms. Benson back into his daughter’s life, I, on the other hand, have some reservations. Particularly regarding Ms. Benson’s choice in occupation. I’m only awarding Ms. Benson standard visitation rights for now. Ms. Benson will be able to visit her daughter every other weekend, and holiday. She’ll have monthly check-ins with ACS and we’ll revisit the issue of joint custody in about six months. Are there any further objections?”

“No, your honor,” Sandy answers.

“No, your honor,” Lorna answers.

“Good. Court is adjourned.”

The judge bangs her gavel and both parties stand as she exits. He watches Olivia turn and hug her lawyer then make her way out the courtroom. He’s hot on her heels.

“Olivia, wait,” he calls and she pauses at the door. “Long time no see,” he says and he finally has the chance to really take her in. 

She’s more beautiful than he’s ever seen her.

“Yeah, it’s been awhile.”

“It’s good to see you.”

She nods and crosses her arms over her chest. 

“So Scarry, huh? Bringing out the big guns.”

She smiles at that. “Fool me once, Elliot.”

He nods in understanding. The first time she had been unprepared. She expected for them to come to a fair agreement civilly. He came out with guns blazing, ready and willing to fight to the death for a judgment that was anything but fair. This time she was more than ready. “You look good.”

“Thanks,” she answers and notices Casey standing not too far away. “I have to go and it looks like someone is waiting for you.”

“Wait, aren’t we going to talk about this?”

“I’ll come and pick her up next Friday. Four ok?”

“Four’s great.”

“Alright. See you then,” she turns on her heels and leaves him there, stunned.

“What the hell was that?” Casey asks once Olivia has left.

“Relax, we were just hashing out some of the details,” Elliot says as he steps out the courtroom. Casey follows behind him.

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about that in there!” she says pointing towards the courtroom. “How could you just change your mind like that?”

“Because I can. Why do you care?”

“Why do I care other than the fact that I’ve been doing everything I can to help you beat this? That I took the day off from work to be here for you and you just change your mind?”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“You didn’t have to! I thought we were doing what was best for Kyle.” 

“We are. Look, I was all set to fight Olivia until I saw her. Clearly she’s gotten herself together. I don’t see a reason to keep her away from Kyle.”

“How about the fact that she’s a female escort.”

“What?”

She shoves a piece of paper at his chest. “She’s a female escort which is two steps away from being a prostitute, if she isn’t still one already.” 

He straightens out the paper and sure enough, it’s an add for an escort company. A faded picture of Olivia classily dressed among other girls stares back at him. “Where did you find this?”

“The private investigator I hired found it.”

“Private investigator? Casey, you’re taking this way too seriously.”

“Yes, I am. Why aren’t you?! Does Olivia have to endanger our daughter’s life again before you realize that she isn’t stable enough to be in her life? Even the judge thinks so, which is why she only gave her visitation rights instead of full joint custody. I’m surprised they’re not supervised.”

“It’s because she believes that she deserves a second chance.”

“We can-”

“No, Casey that’s enough! I’m not going to fight this anymore. Olivia is her mother, she gave birth to her. She just wants to be in her daughter’s life and I’m not going to keep Kyle from her anymore.” 

“So that’s it? I’m not her mother because biologically she’s not my child?”

“I never sa-” 

“You’re so full of shit! I may not have given birth to her, but I’m more of a mother to her than Olivia ever was. She calls me Mommy. I pick her up from school everyday, feed her, bathe her, read her bedtime stories, all while you’re chained to your desk at work. When she had chicken pox, who took four days off to stay home with her? It sure as hell wasn’t you, and I’m pretty sure Olivia would have been too busy spreading her legs for the highest bidder to care. Now, if you would excuse me, I have to pick my daughter up from school. She has a doctor’s appointment. I bet you didn’t know that, either.”

She brushes past him and exits the courtroom. He sighs. He’s going to be sleeping on the couch for a month for this one. His cell phone rings with a number from one of his detectives. “Stabler,” he answers.

*

Olivia stands staring at the house she once called home. She remembers looking at it for the first time so many years ago. She remembers falling in love with the hardwood floors, the large kitchen, winding staircase, and the spacious back yard. She envisioned having tea parties with her daughter in that yard. She envisioned a dish rack full of sippy cups and the magical forest on the walls of the room that eventually became Kyle’s. She envisioned marking her daughter’s growth on the one of the doorposts. Snowmen and snow angels in the front yard. Cold nights snuggled together on the couch drinking hot chocolate with extra marshmallows in front of the fire place. She envisioned so much that would never come true. At least not with her. She walks up the pathway and rings the doorbell. A few moments later the door opens.

“Hi,” Elliot says with a smile.

“Hi,” she responds.

“Come in.”

She steps through the threshold and into the foyer. She looks at the house and it’s just like she envisioned. Pictures chronicling her daughter’s growth litter the walls, along with photos of his other children. The living room is full of her toys. Her crayons and coloring books lay strewn about on the coffee table. She makes a mental note to get her some to keep at her apartment.

“Kyle!” Elliot calls up the stairs.

Kyle bounds down the stairs moments later and comes to stand by her father’s side. Her long dark hair falls in waves down to the center of her back. A red headband holds the wisps back out of her face and her bangs swoop over her right eye. She wraps an arm around her father’s leg and stares up at her mother with her father’s blue eyes. Elliot bends down to her level. “Kyle, this is Olivia. Remember we talked about her. She’s your mom.”

“Hi,” she says shyly then hides her face in her father’s neck.

“Hi,” Olivia whispers back and she blinks hard to keep the tears at bay.

“Now, Kyle, remember how we talked before about you going to stay with Olivia for a couple days?” she nods her response. “Well, she’s here to pick you up.”

“I don’t want to go anymore. I want to stay here with you and Mommy.”

“I know Sweetie, but Olivia was really looking forward to spending some time with you.”

“But I don’t want to go,” she says sadly and her eyes well up with tears. Olivia feels her heart sink.

Elliot can see the look of disappointment in Olivia’s eyes and thinks quickly for a possible solution. “Ok. How about you go with Olivia, just for tonight. And if you wake up tomorrow morning, and you want to come back home, Olivia will bring you right back,” he looks up to Olivia for confirmation and she nods back in agreement. “Ok?” he asks Kyle.

“Ok,” she agrees solemnly.

“Great.” He stands and grabs the overnight bag he packed for her, and tries to hand it over to Olivia.

She shakes her head. “It’s Ok. I got everything I need for her back at my place.”

“Yea, but it has a couple DVDs and some toys.”

“I got it covered.”

“Just in case, Liv. It won’t hurt to have it.”

“Alright, but just in case.” She concedes and takes the bag. She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Here’s everything you need to know. My address, apartment number, home phone number, and my cell.”

“Ok,” he pulls out his business card and hands it to her. “Here’s my info. The extension to the direct line to my office is on there and my cell is on the back. Call if you need anything.”

She quickly reads the card. “Lieutenant. You finally went out for it.”

“You always said I should. Heading up SVU now.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Look, I know about your job.”

“Don’t worry it won’t affect her. No one knows where I live. I use a PO Box and I won’t be working on the days that I have her.”

“Alright, but if something happens and that changes, you call me. I want to keep her safe.”

“So do I, Elliot,” she says to him before turning her attention to their child, “Alright, Kyle. Let’s go,” she smiles down at Kyle, and holds out her hand for the little girl to take. She slides her little hand into hers.

“Oh, before I forget,” Elliot says. “No nuts. Definitely no peanuts. If she eats something she’ll just break out in hives and you can giver her some Benadryl for that, but if she has any trouble breathing there’s two epi pens in the bag. One for you to keep at home, and another for you to keep on you at all times.”

“Ok. Thanks.”

“K. Oh, let me grab the booster out my truck.”

“It’s ok. I have one in the car.”

“Alright,” he says, slightly surprised. He stoops down and hugs and kisses Kyle. “I love you baby. Have a good time.”

“K. Love you Daddy. Bye.”

They head towards the door and at the last moment Kyle let’s go. “Wait. I forgot Bear.”

She runs back and grabs an old Teddy bear that has seen better days. Olivia smiles when she recognizes it as a toy she secretly left for her on her third birthday. Kyle runs back and takes her mother’s hand once again and Olivia thinks there may be hope for them yet.

*

Kyle follows Olivia into through the door of her apartment and pauses to take in the unfamiliar surroundings of a home she does not know. It is different. It is small compared to the house she currently lives in. She hugs her teddy bear close to her chest as she follows behind Olivia.

“This is the living room, and the kitchen,” Olivia points as she passes each room. “If you’re ever hungry or thirsty, don’t hesitate to ask me for something to eat or drink, ok?”

“Ok,” Kyle nods.

“The bathroom is right here,” she points and Kyle peaks in. They bypass another room, but the door is closed and Kyle wonders what is in there. “My room is at the end of the hall, and this,” she says, stopping in front of a door that has a sparkly pink K on it, “is your room.”

Kyle peaks in and is immediately drawn into the room. It is the bedroom of her dreams. The walls are of a light pink color and she is immediately surrounded by her favorite Disney characters. Cinderella on one wall, Ariel and Jasmine on another. There is Mulan with her sword and Mushu at her side, and Belle with her books. Pocahantas with Meeko and Flit. Tiana stood beside Aurora with Snow White on her other side and Tinker Bell hovers nearby, leaving a trail of pixie dust as if she has been flying through the walls. Pink icicle lights line each wall of the room. Her canopy bed is dressed in a Disney Princess bedspread and a few stuffed animals. A Barbie dream house sits in one corner with dolls and clothes waiting to play dress up. Dr. Seuss books fill a small book shelf in the corner, with many others thrown in. Pink beanbags sit on the floor in front of it, as well as in front of the Disney Princess themed TV with a rack of moves beside it. 

“I have a Wii in the living room. I figured we could play sometime. Would you like that?” Kyle nods. “Do you like your new room? I wasn’t sure what you liked, the lady at Toys R Us said girls your age really like Disney Princesses and they seemed to be everywhere, I turned so I took a chance and got just about everything I could find. And I used to like Barbies and dolls and stuff when I was your age. Do you like it?” Kyle nods. “Not exactly the talkative type huh?” Kyle merely stares. 

A young woman stops in the doorway. “Olivia?” she calls.

“Yeah?” 

“Is this her?”

Olivia can’t keep the smile off her face. “Yea, this is Kyle. Kyle this is my friend Melody. Can you say hi?”

“Hi,” she says softly.

“She’s gorgeous, Olivia.”

“Thanks,” Olivia says as she stares at her daughter. Still unable to get over the simple fact that she is finally here with her.

“I’m going to head on out.”

“Ok. How did everything go?”

“It went very well...”

Kyle tunes out her mother’s conversation as her eyes bounce around the room excitedly, wondering what toy she should play with first.

“Alright thanks. So I’ll see you Tuesday?”

“Yup.”

“K. See you then. Have a nice weekend.”

“Thanks, you too.”

The young girl leaves and Olivia turns her attention back to her daughter. “Ok.” Olivia puts her bag down, and sits down on the floor by her bed. “Can you sit by me, Kyle. I wanted to talk to you for a bit.”

“Ok.” Kyle walks over and sits down beside the mother she doesn’t know.

“Kyle, what did your Dad tell you about me?”

“He said that you were my tummy mommy, because I grew in your tummy, and that Mommy was my other mommy because she takes care of me and loves me and she is my mommy now because you went away, but he didn’t say why.”

Olivia takes a deep breath not exactly sure on how to have this conversation with a five year old. “You know that I love you too, right?”

“No. Why did you leave me? Was I bad?”

Olivia does her best to hide her tears. “No, Sweetie. You did nothing wrong. Some things happened between me and Daddy, and I had to go away.” 

“Why?”

Olivia shrugs. “I made some mistakes.”

“What kind of mistakes?”

“Mistakes we’ll have to talk about when you get a little older.”

“Daddy always says that.”

Olivia laughs. “I bet he does. But I want you to know and understand something. I never stopped loving you. No matter what happened or where I was, I always loved you and I love you even more now that we are back together again. In fact, that bear you love so much?”

“Bear?” she asks and looks down at the bear she holds in her arms.

“Yeah, him. I got that bear for you because I wanted you to know how much I loved you. And I still love you very much, and now that I’m back I’m not going away. Never again. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Good. Why don’t you go on and try out your new toys and stuff.” Kyle tosses her bear on the bed and quickly runs off to play with the Barbies. Olivia smiles to herself, and leaves the girl to her own antics.

*

“Hey Baby girl, what’s up?” Olivia asks as Kyle came towards the kitchen. She climbs up on one of the bar stools that sits in front of the counter. 

Kyle shrugs. “I’m bored.”

“Bored?! How could you be bored with all those cool toys I got you?” Kyle shrugs once again.

“Ok. Well, dinner will be ready in a bit and then I’ll give you a bath so there’s that. Then we can read a story and it should be about 8, 8:30 by then. I think that’s probably around your bedtime. Or do you stay up later on the weekends?” Kyle shrugs. “Yeah, I don’t know either.” Olivia stares at her daughter and cant believe that it is this complicated dealing with a five year old. She didn’t expect it would be this hard dealing with her five year old, but she guesses that is to be expected given the amount of time they’ve spent apart. “Well, how about this. After you take your bath, we’ll stay up and watch movies until you fall asleep. Does that sound ok?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Good. Are you hungry?” Kyle nods.

“Alright. Sit right there I’ll have something for you in a minute.”

She watches Olivia bustle around the kitchen and sets a Tinker Bell place mat in front of her. She returns with a matching plate full of food and a matching cup as well. Kyle stares down at the food in front of her. “What is it?” Kyle asks.

“Well, that’s gold and nuggets.”

“Huh?” Kyle stares up at her, in confusion. “It looks like macaroni and cheese.”

“Well, why don’t you try it and find out.”

Kyle takes up a spoonfull and places it in her mouth. “It is macaroni and cheese!” she exclaims.

“Right! That’s the gold. Can you tell me what the nuggets are?”

She scoops up one of the round objects into her mouth. “It taste like hot dogs.”

“That’s right. Eat up.”

“Can I get some ketchup?”

“Ketchup?” Olivia giggles.

“Yeah. I like ketchup on my macaronies” 

Olivia shrugs and takes down the bottle and hands it to her. Kyle squirts some over her food and hands it back. Olivia watches the young girl mix it in and then eat a spoonful. She smiles up at Olivia and Olivia smiles back.

*

Kyle awakens sometime during the night and stares at the walls around her. There is a pink glow coming from the icicle lights that hang on the walls of the room. Everything is so…strange. This isn’t her room. This isn’t her bed. These aren’t her sheets. She wants to go home. She hears some movement outside and takes her bear with her as she goes to investigate. She opens the door and steps into the darkness of the hallway and jumps when Olivia bumps into her.

Olivia immediately stoops down to her daughter’s level. “Sweetie, what are you doing out here? What’s the matter” Olivia asks when she notices the tears on her daughter’s face.

“I’m scared. I want to go home.”

Olivia’s heart sinks. “Ok. But it’s really late, Honey. Is there any chance you can wait until it’s morning?”

Kyle shrugs as she sniffles and wipes away some tears. Olivia, sighs, at a loss as to) what to do. It was nearly three in the morning. A noise comes from behind one of the doors and Kyle jumps to her mother’s side. Olivia grins. “Actually, there’s someone I was hoping you would meet before you went home.” Olivia takes her daughter’s hand and leads her into the room she had skipped earlier that evening. Light fills the room and Kyle squints and rubs her eyes in an effort to deal with the brightness. She watches as Olivia heads over to a crib and lifts a baby from it.

“Kyle,” Olivia said as she takes a seat in a glider chair. “This is your baby brother, Shawn.”

Kyle heads over and hesitantly takes the baby’s hand in hers. “Hi baby,” she says in a light voice. Shawn smiles up at her. “He’s cute!” she smiles up at Olivia. 

“Yea, he is,” Olivia agrees. She picks up the bottle she brought in and uncaps it. “Would you like to help me feed him?”

Kyle nods eagerly. Olivia hands her the bottle and helps her direct it into the baby’s mouth. “You hold it just like this, ok?” Olivia says as she angles her daughter’s hand into the proper position.

“Ok.” Kyle holds the bottle steady and in place. “Am I doing good?” she asks.

“You’re doing great, Sweetie. You know, I was really hoping that you would help me out with him this weekend. Taking care of a baby can be a lot of work and I could really use a helper. Would you mind helping me?” She knows she is fighting dirty by pimping out her son as a way to get her daughter to stay, but this is the most time she’s been able to spend with her in three years. She’s not about to let her go again without a fight.

Kyle seems to think about it for a minute. “Ok,” she agrees.

“Great. You can even help me make pancakes in the morning.”

“With chocolate chips?” Kyle asks hopefully.

“With double chocolate chips!” Olivia exclaims.

“Yay!”

After awhile, Shawn’s eyes drift close and he falls asleep. Olivia quickly burps him then moves him over to the changing table. Kyle helps by handing her items she needs from the lower shelf. Afterwards she tucks Shawn back into his crib and lifts Kyle so she can kiss him goodnight. Olivia sets her back down then leads her back to her room. Kyle seems to hesitate at the door.

“You know, I bet you’re not all that tired right now. How ‘bout you pick out a movie and we can watch it in my room for awhile.” 

“Ok!” Kyle exclaims without hesitation. She rushes in and grabs a DVD and her bear then comes back out and takes Olivia’s offered hand.

Kyle hops into Olivia’s bed while she puts the movie in. “Finding Nemo? Good choice. I really like this one. Dory’s really funny.”

“Yeah, she is,” Kyle agrees.

Olivia skips past the previews and starts up the movie before climbing back into bed. She fixes the blankets beside them and Kyle snuggles down beside her and tucks her thumb in her mouth. Olivia smiles at the fact that she still has the habit from birth. A habit Shawn has. A habit Olivia herself once had. Olivia hesitates before wrapping her arms around her daughter and tears well in her eyes at the simple miracle of being able to hold her baby in her arms again. A miracle she believed would never happen. She leans down and smells her daughter’s hair. It still smells of the Johnson’s baby shampoo she washed it with earlier this evening. She smiles to herself. She finally has her baby back.

 

*

A day later Olivia rings the doorbell to a home she no longer knows. Elliot answers with a smile. “Hey, so how did everything go?”

“It went well. Didn’t it Kyle?” Olivia asks the little girl by her side.

“Yea, Daddy. There was so much toys and games, and I got to play with the baby an-”

“Whoa. Too much at once. Why don’t you head in and wash up for dinner. Your mom made your favorite.” Olivia takes a few breaths to tap down her anger at him referring to Casey as Kyle’s mother. She is her mother. Not her, and she was standing right there. “You can finish telling me while we eat.”

“Ok!” The little girl exclaims. “Bye Olivia!”

“Bye Sweetie. Have a good week.”

The parents watch Kyle bounce into the house and up the stairs. “Sounds like she really had a good time,” Eliot says.

“Yea. Started out a little rocky but she came around,” Olivia says before handing him Kyle’s overnight bag. “Everything’s in there. I let her bring home a couple toys, can you make sure they come back with her next time?”

“Sure, but you know Liv, you can’t buy her love.”

“Excuse me?”

“All the toys. Toys aren’t going to make her love you.”

Olivia smiles to herself and shakes her head. “You would think that wouldn’t you. Ever stop to consider that maybe I was just trying to make her comfortable. What was she supposed to do? Come over and stare at the walls? I bought her things so that she can feel at home in my home, and seeing how I missed the last three years-”

“That’s fine Liv. I just don’t want you spoiling her. So if you could refrain from buying her anything more.”

“I’m going to buy her whatever I feel like. If it will make her comfortable in my home then I’m going to get it. Contrary to your belief I’m not buying things for her just so that she’ll like me.”

“Fine. But if she asks you for something can you at least check with me first before buying it for her?”

“Well, she asked me for some crayons and coloring books so she can draw the next time she comes over. Is that ok with you?” she asks and he knows she’s anything but genuine.

“Olivia…” he says and there is warning in his tone.

“Why did you tell Kyle that I left her?”

“I…”

“I tried to see her and you kept me away. You wouldn’t let me anywhere near her!”

“For good reason!”

“No! That should have never been an option! You knew how much I loved her and what she meant to me.”

“Yea? Well, you had a funny way of showing it.”

She takes a deep breath and lets the steam out. “I loved her. No matter what happened, that never changed and you let her believe that I didn’t. You let her think that I just up and abandoned her when you did everything you could to keep me out of her life.”

“Well, when you got visitation rights I had to tell her something. I had to explain things to her. What would you like me to have told our five-year-old daughter? That you took her on a perp chase and got her shot?”

Olivia shakes her head. “You don’t even know what happened that day.”

“I saw the evidence, Liv. It was obvious what happened.”

“It wasn’t that obvious because you still have no idea what went down in that alley. Sometimes the evidence is wrong. You and I both know that.”

“I doubt this is one of those cases, but evidence or no evidence, all I know is that my two year old daughter had a bullet hole in her chest and you were partly to blame.”

She shakes her head again. “Whatever, Elliot. I’ll see you in two weeks.”

She storms down the path to her car. There is no point in arguing with him over something that had happened years ago. Arguing will not change the events of the past three years. It won’t change the fact that her daughter almost died as a result of her being distracted. It won’t change the fact that she lost custody of her daughter and didn’t see her for three years. It won’t change the fact that she sold herself on the street for drugs. It won’t change the fact that she doesn’t know anything about her own child, including what her favorite meal is. All it will do is unleash the evil and demons she’s hidden in Pandora’s box and take away her hope for a new future with her daughter.


	4. Blue

Chapter 4-Blue 

Olivia walks in on the arm of some new shmo. She racks her brain for his name. Hank? No. She glanced at him. He is definitely not a Hank. Henry? No, that was the investment banker from two weeks ago. Howard? Yes. Howard is his name, and he is from California and sold…what was it? Cheese? No. Milk? No. He owns something like a farm. A vineyard. Yes! Wine!!! He owns a vineyard up in Napa and sells wine for a living. He is here to schmooze with the who’s who of New York’s top socialites in the hopes of finding some potential investors for his new franchise. She was his default girl because everyone else at the agency was booked, and he wasn’t too happy when he saw that she was clearly older than the other girls. He told her to “Just smile and try to look pretty.” Easy enough, but she had bigger plans. Being older and working as a female escort means that she needs to have something extra to draw in her clients and keep them as returning customers. Her added edge was that she was smart and her past work as a cop and a prostitute had introduced her to the who’s who and had allowed her to get to know them inside and out. Unfortunately. But she knew how to use it to her advantage. She always did her homework before each date. She researched her clients, checked their stocks, found out where they were from. Where they went to school. Who they probably knew. Who they definitely didn’t, and even looked into their backgrounds as well. Thank God for Google.

“That’s Joseph and Mickey Schwartz. He used to be big on Wall Street, but his company forced him to retire. They just sent their son off to Yale, and are currently looking for a new business venture to get invested in together,” she whispers in his ear. 

“Really?” he says with peaked interest.

“Really. They’re also Yale alums. And Mickey there comes from money. Her father patented some medical device before he died and left her as the sole beneficiary. Very involved in the local charity scene, but she and her husband are looking to branch out.”

“Interesting. Who else do you know?”

Olivia grins seductively. “Everyone you want to know and everything about them.”

“Hmm. I’m guessing it’s a good thing that I know you.”

“I guess so. Why don’t I grab you something drink while you talk to them? You look like a Gin man. Am I right?” 

He smiles, clearly impressed. “Right. Hurry along and come right back. I want to find out what else you know.” 

“Sure thing.” She smiles to herself as she walks off. She knows he’s a gin man. She knows he went to Yale. She knows Joseph would do anything for another Yale man. She learned this when she slept with him a couple years ago. He was one of the johns Xavier had set her up with. He was full of Bull Dog pride. She also knows that Howard would be calling Vivienne, the escort service director, by the end of the night to book her for the charity gig that Mickey is hosting tomorrow night. She’s already dropped her dress off at the cleaners. Five minutes in and already it is a successful night.

*

She sits down at the bar and orders herself a ginger ale. She’s called Melody, her nanny, and Shawn has been tucked in bed and asleep for the past three hours, which means she can finally take a small break while Howard continues to talk shop. She has charmed Howard’s friends and fueled his ego. Introduced him to the right people and he already has several potential investors lined up. He already asked her if she was booked for tomorrow night and even next weekend. Next weekend she’s going out with some redneck from Texas who has some hot sauce company. She’s going to have to hook him up with some of the top restaurant owners, but she’s not quite sure how. What little research she has done has revealed he’s loud and obnoxious, but he’s rich and in New York often. He’d be a good client to have.

“Long night?

“Excuse me?” she asks then turns to look at the newcomer and the color of his eyes touches her soul. The perfect hue of blue that reminds her of the water surrounding the islands of the West Indies. Like most of the men here tonight, he wears an expensive suit and his golden blonde hair has been carefully styled to perfection. He’s handsome. Young. She’s seen him around before, but never this close and personal.

“Long night?” he asks again before ordering a refill on his scotch. “You look tired.”

“Thanks? You really know how to flatter a girl.”

He chuckles to himself. “Sorry. The name’s Aidan. Aidan Malone.”

“Alyssa,” she replies.

“Alyssa?...”

“That’s it. Just Alyssa.”

“Like Jewel or Cher. C’mon. Everyone has a last name,” he smiles and she can’t help but smile back. 

“Mathews,” she answers. “My name is Alyssa Mathews.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Alyssa Mathews.”

“Nice to meet you too, Aidan Malone. So, what do you do?”

“To put it short, I’m a business man.”

“Yea, just about every man here is a business man. Specifics?”

“Umm. I guess you can say I’m kinda like the guy in Pretty Woman. A corporate raider that dabbles in real estate here and there among other things, and has great respect for fine architecture.”

“So, you buy large shares in struggling companies and either take them over and change everything, or you liquidate the company by breaking it up and selling everything off piece by piece. You also buy houses or whatever property you can find, remodel it and flip it for profit or sell it to someone that makes it more than monetarily profitable, and you invest in whatever you think will turn a large profit. Though, you probably do like architecture.”

“Wow. Pretty and smart. I like it.”

“So where does someone go to learn such things? Harvard? Princeton? Yale?”

“Well, I started out at MIT, because I thought I wanted to build things rather than take them apart, but then I realized that my brain was made more for business and transferred to Georgetown. After graduating, I made money selling real estate then started investing. Got my MBA from Harvard… The rest is history.”

“So you’re basically Donald Trump,” she says and takes a sip of her drink.

“Yes. Except I’m better looking and not as much of an asshole.” 

“Not as famous and not as rich either,” she replies, looking anywhere but at him. She’s done with him. She knows what he’s looking for and she’s not interested.

He’s surprised by her tone and her attitude. “Maybe not as famous, but definitely as rich. Probably more so. I can’t remember the last time I had someone ascertain my net worth. Seems beneath me. And the only reason I’m not as famous is due to my publicist. I find staying low key is better for business. Those who need to know me, know mwe”

“Yes. Being in the society pages every other day and on the cover of Forbes magazine is low key,” she snarks back.

“Hey, sometimes letting this face get around is good for business. So, you know who I am.”

“I know of you.”

“Maybe you would like to know more?” he grins.

She gives him the once over. “Hmm. Cocky and rich. Why am I not surprised?” 

He laughs at her sarcasm. “You forgot good looking. And what is it that you do?”

She grins at him. “Smile and look pretty,” she answers before taking another sip of her Shirley temple, disguised as a cosmopolitan.

He laughs again. “No, really? Oh I get it. You’re married. Which one’s yours?” he asks and turns to look at the crowd. She turns with him.

“Alyssa!” Howard calls.

“Him,” she answers.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Alyssa Mathews.”

“Wish I could say the same, Aidan Malone.”

*

 

Olivia steps into a large ballroom. Another shmo on her arm. He is a top restaurateur enjoying his time in the city and looking to expand his fine dining Italian chain in the states, starting with New York. Once again she has done her homework. She knows exactly what people to introduce him to, which was harder to find due to the language barrier. Vivienne had set them up because she was the only one that could speak Italian. She is going to make sure he becomes a regular, although it is going to be tough, given that they are currently at a masquerade ball and she can hardly recognize anyone. She does her best to look through her own mask; Kyle had helped her make it. It was covered in purple, silver, and gold glitter, and matches her mermaid style dress with an incredibly poofy bottom that she is wearing. 

An hour in and things are going well. They are dancing and Olivia is desperately searching the room for the next guy she wants to hook Giovanni up with. Julio is a frequent client of hers and is looking to open a Spanish Italian fusion restaurant. She isn’t sure if Giovanni will be interested in such a business adventure, but Julio is a smooth talker with plenty of connections. For Giovanni, he would be a networking gold mine, and if he found out she knew several other business men like Julio, he would be sure to request her again. Julio would also request her again which would give her the opportunity to meet more of his connections, as was their deal. Every time she sent business his way, he took her out and introduced her to more people. 

 

Olivia finally spots him several feet away and just as she is about to pull her date in that direction, they are interrupted.

“Would you mind if I cut in?”

Giovanni looks at the blue eyed, masked blonde with confusion. Olivia rolls her eyes and translates for him.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you only spoke Italian,” Aidan apologizes in Giovanni’s native tongue. He asks Giovanni if he can dance with Olivia and Giovanni agrees. Olivia points Giovanni in Julio’s direction, and leaves him to talk shop with the other businessman while she dances with Aidan. Julio’s Italian is decent, but not decent enough to carry on full business conversation. They’ll need her soon.

“I didn’t know you spoke Italian.”

“Yea. I speak Italian and a couple other languages. What else do you speak?”

“I speak whatever language the guy I’m doing business with speaks. Mandarin, Japenese, Korean. I do a lot of business in Asia. A little German. French and Spanish. As you just saw, my Italian isn’t great, but I can finagle my way through a conversation. How bout you? Anything other than Italian?” 

“I’m fluent in Spanish, French, and Italian, and can finagle my way through several others if I need to.”

“Well, aren’t you something.”

“Yes, I’m a girl with many skills,” she whispers seductively into his ear.

“I bet you are. So tell me, what other skills do you possess?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she smiles.

“I would. I would also like you to hook me up with Giovanni there.”

“Why? He doesn’t have a company for you to destroy.”

“I like to invest in different businesses. You know, broaden my horizons.”

“You want to use me to do your networking for you.”

“Well, yeah, but I also want to invest in his new restaurant. That’s why he’s here right? I’ve eaten at a couple of his places throughout Europe. Very good food.”

“I guess I could help you out, but what’s in it for me?” 

“Well, I could hire you, become a regular. That is if you tell me which escort service you work for.” 

She stares at him in shock. “How did you?”

“Let’s see. I saw you last week at the Bank of America luncheon. And the week before that you were at the Ralph Lauren party. That same weekend you were at the Columbia University benefit banquet. Every time with a different rich bastard, and I figured either you’re a gold digging whore and get around a lot, or you were an escort. You’re far too refined to be a prostitute, so that left escort.”

“Gee, tell me what you really think.”

“Well, I’ve been watching you all night, and you are by far the best looking woman here.”

“Buttering me up isn’t going to get you very far.”

“I’m serious. I want you to go out with me. How’s next weekend?”

“Sorry. I’m booked.” She has no interest in making him a regular. These days she’s all about business, and she can tell he wants their arrangement to be anything but.

“Really? How about the week after that?”

“Sorry, I have to wash my hair that night.”

“Ohhhh no!!! Not the wash my hair excuse. I’m not that ugly, am I?”

She pretends to scrutinize him. “I guess you’re ok. The mask seems to be helping you out tonight.”

“Thanks,” he deadpans. “C’mon. One date.”

“Aidan, I already date for a living, as you were so kind to point out for me before.”

“Alyssa!”

Right on time.

“Looks like I have to go. Duty calls.”

“Wait. What agency do you work for?”

“Goodnight Aidan,” she whispers in his ear then kisses his freshly shaven cheek before turning and walking away.

Aidan stands on the dance floor and watches her disappear into the crowd of masks.

*

Olivia twirls her fettuccini on her fork and lets it dangle above her lips before slurping it into her mouth. Beside her Kyle giggles and mimicks her mother with some of the cheese from off of her pizza.

“You think I’m silly huh?” Olivia asks her mini me.

“Yeah,” Kyle giggles. 

Olivia twirls more pasta onto her fork and just as she is about to take a bite, her son’s cries halt her. She quickly puts down the plate and hurries to see what is the matter. After a quick diaper change, Shawn is tucked back into bed and Olivia returns to the living room and finds Kyle copying her motions from before with some of her fettuccini Alfredo. 

“Hey you!” Olivia calls and Kyle giggles and quickly puts her fork back down and tries to pretend like nothing has happened. Olivia laughs at her and takes her seat as she watches the characters from Phineas and Ferb break out in song and dance. Olivia catches her eying her pasta once again. “Wanna trade?”

“Yeah,” Kyle nods eagerly. Olivia hands over her takeout box in exchange for Kyle’s pizza. “This is my favorite.”

“Yeah?” Olivia questions. “It’s mine, too.”

“Mommy makes it all the time for me at home.”

Once again, Olivia tries to ignore the sting that accompanies Kyle’s name for Casey. “Well, you know. We can make it here, too. If you’d like, we can do it together.”

“Really?!” Kyle asks in excitement.

“Yeah. We can all go to the grocery store tomorrow and pick up the ingredients and then cook it for dinner. Whaddya say?”

“Ok!” Kyle picks up the parmesan cheese and sprinkles some on the pasta. 

Olivia she smiles to herself. Kyle is her mother’s daughter.

*

Tonight is Monte Carlo night at some inane charity function. She thinks she’s been to a million of these since she’s gotten into this line of work. She doesn’t know anything about her date tonight. He was sprung on her at the last minute, much to her disdain, but she needed the cash so she was in no place to say no. So tonight her job is fairly simple: To smile, look pretty, and charm him. Easy enough. She has two out of the three already covered, but tonight she is distracted. Her focus hasn’t been on her date tonight; it has been on him. 

She’s playing his game tonight; it seems to be a friendly game of cat and mouse. A glance here, an innocent touch there, a game that seems to only exist between them, oblivious to those that surround them. He follows her from table to table. His eyes never leave her, and he waits almost forty-five minutes to sit at her table, making the excuse to the men at the table that he simply “wants to play with the big boys.” Now he watches her intently, as he has all night. She smiles and holds his gaze from time to time as he stares at her shamelessly. As though trying to claim her. Possess her. Make her his with the fixed gaze of his eyes. She eyes him as she whispers something into her date’s ear, and then she watches her affect on him. 

He blinks rapidly and tries to focus on the cards in front of him, but he can’t take his eyes off. Of. Her! He remembers the same way she whispered seductively in his own ear not too long ago and he can still picture it as if it only happened moments ago. He can still feel the warmth of her breath caress his skin. Her lips tickle his ear, and he glances at her lips. Gloss covered lips he wants nothing more than to taste. Consume, and claim for his own.

“I call!”

“Dammit!” He knows he should have pulled out ages ago, but he hadn’t been focused. He watches as her date laughs heartily and pulls all the chips and money his way. His head wasn’t in the game. It was on her. The dealer collects his discarded cards then shuffles them and begins to deal out a new hand. He needs to win this one. If he ever wants to do business with these men again, he has to prove that he is a man of their caliber, which means beating them in at least one game, but right now losing is furthering his agenda.

“I thought when you said you wanted to roll with the big boys, you would have been a little bit better at this,” her date says in his southern drawl.

“It’s because he can’t keep his eyes off that ole gal you have there” another man comments in a similar accent.

“Well, you don’t say. Guess that makes you my little lucky charm then,” the fat bastard says and wraps his hefty arm around her.

He’s focused this time. He doesn’t have a decent hand, but he’s pretty sure he can bluff his way out of this and then… He sees her. He watches as she rubs her hand up and down her date’s hairy arm and he can see her with himself. Her hand caressing his arm instead. 

“I call.”

“Shit!” he exclaims and throws down his cards. “I need a drink, I’ll be right back,” he says and makes to stand up.

“You leave the table you lose your seat,” the dealer informs him.

“Is that so guys?” Aidan asks.

“No. I’m enjoying taking this boy’s money. Go on and get your drink. Your seat will be waiting for you when you get back,” he turns to Olivia. “Why don’t you go on and get me something to drink as well. A whiskey. Put it on my tab.” She nods and heads on her way, tamping down the urge to knock him out when he slaps her on the ass. Forget it. She does not want him for a repeat customer. One night with him is enough.

She joins Aidan at the bar and quickly orders a drink for her date and a real cosmopolitan for herself. It’s just one of those nights and there is no way she can get through the night with the red neck without something in her system. She will pump and dump later.

“You’re making it easy for them over there.”

“I know. I’ve been a bit unfocused.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

“So, what’s it going to take to get you to go out with me?”

“After seeing the way you play poker, I’m not sure if I even want to go out with you.”

“So, if I win, you’ll go out with me.”

“No.”

“Damn. So not only do I not get the girl, I end up looking like a chump in front of potential clients as well.”

“You’d be playing a lot better if you had your head in the game. Those guys are so easy.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, for one. Mathers can’t keep the grin off of his face when he has a good hand. If he takes a drink, there’s no point in continuing. George scratches his beard when he has a decent hand, but not a stellar one. He’s always contemplating when he should call it quits. No confidence. He could have won a couple hands if he knew how to bluff.”

“And what about your guy? What’s his tell?”

“You,” she grins. 

“Me?”

“Yes. Every time you look at me, he knows your head’s not in the game and he takes advantage of it. Like I said before the other two are easy to figure out. Most of his hands are worth shit, but he knows that as long as you’re not focused, he can win the game.”

“And why would you give me all this info?”

“I feel sorry for you. Most men can’t help but stare, but you…you can’t seem to tear your eyes away.”

The bartender hands over her drinks and she scoops them up before heading back to the table, his eyes following her the entire way.

He smiles to himself. He knows she likes him. She wouldn’t help him otherwise. He takes his drink back to the table, and slowly begins to make a comeback, but he came here for business, not pleasure. The redneck tosses in his last chip, and Aidan pretends not to notice and pretends to mindlessly push in the rest. His eyes are fixed on Olivia, and he can see the smirk on the corner of her lips because she knows exactly what he’s doing.

“So, Aidan. Let’s make this interesting,” Aidan pretends not to hear him. “Aidan.”

“Oh, what now?”

“Make this interesting.”

“Interesting? How?”

“Well, I know you’ve been sniffing around my company.”

“Times are hard. Just seeing what’s out there. What could use my help.”

Redneck chuckles. “We both know that you’re not exactly the helping type. I know you want my company, and I know what you want to do with it.”

“And what is that?”

“Let’s not play games here, boy.”

“Isn’t that why we’re all here? To play some games. I mean, it is Monte Carlo night.”

“I tell ya what. I win this hand you stay away. We’re going through a rough patch, but we’ll bounce back.”

“And if I win?”

“I make your take over easy, by stepping out of the way.”

Aidan looks at him. Pretends to consider the offer. “No. I don’t think so. I need some assurance. I mean what’s to keep you from backing out?”

“A man’s word is his bond.”

“Yea… but I’m going to need better.”

“How much better?”

“Better.”

“Alright. I’ll sign my shares over to you tonight. George?”

George whips out some legal documents, and places them in front of Aidan. “One says you’ll back off. The other gives you my shares in the company.”

Aidan scans the documents. He’s done this enough times to know what they should say and what they shouldn’t. These papers are the real deal. They’re the ones he expected Redneck would bring once he saw his name on the RSVP list. They both came here to do business. Not to play games. 

“I don’t know…” Aidan shrugs and pretends to contemplate. He glances down at the cards in his hands. There’s no way he can lose, but Redneck needs to see him sweat. Needs to think that he is being cornered with an offer he can’t refuse.

“You ain’t chicken are you, boy?”

“No…” Aidan answers and glances nervously at his cards. At this point Redneck must think that his cards are good, but not great. Hence his so called anxiety, so he needs to throw in something else. Something so good that he can’t help but to take the risk.

“And her.”

This really grabs Aidan’s attention. “What?”

“I’ve seen the way you’ve been eyeing her all night. Win this game, and you get her and my shares. What do you say?” Aidan eyes Olivia. She’s the perfect picture of innocence, though he knows she must not be happy with this new deal. “Don’t you want her? I know you do…”

“Ok. Deal.” 

They shake on it, and both sign each document then lay it in the middle of the table on top of all the chips.

“I call,” Redneck says. He lays down his cards and smiles. “Straight Flush,” he chuckles and his buddies laugh with him.

Aidan isn’t expecting that, and he pretends to take it like a man when Redneck draws all the chips, money, papers and all towards him. At the last moment Aidan reaches out and grabs the papers.

“What?! Now boy, we had a deal!!!” Redneck yells, attracting the attention of the other patrons.

“I know,” Aidan says calmly. He flips over his cards one by one revealing an Ace of hearts, followed by a King, Queen, Jack, and a ten. All of hearts. “Royal Flush,” Aidan laughs.

Redneck turns red. “You. You swindled me didn’t you?! Doesn’t matter though. Even with my shares you can’t take control.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I knew you were coming here to try to beat me out of going after your company. Which is why I purchased some shares before coming here, and now with your shares as well it looks like I own 52% of your, excuse me, my company. Thanks for a fun night,” he smiles charmingly. The dealer bags his chips, money, papers and all and hands it to him. He removes the papers from the bag and then stuffs them into his inside pocket. He hands the bag to Olivia and holds out an arm for her to take. 

“Let’s go, doll,” she stands and takes his arm, shaking her head and smiling the entire way.

He leads her outside and once they have stepped out into the warm September air, he turns to face her. 

“Thanks for your help in there,” he tells her.

“Please. You didn’t need my help. You had that planned all along.”

“I did, but I couldn’t pull it off without you. I really was staring at you the whole time. Mesmerized by your beauty… and your lack of dress,” he says as he admires her figure in her form fitting backless black sequin dress.

Olivia shoves him playfully. “Please. You’re so full of shit,” she rolls her eyes and shivers a bit.

“Maybe, but I really did need those tells. How did you figure them out so easily?” he asks and slides his blazer over her chilled shoulders.

“Let’s just say I’m good at watching people. Figuring out their weaknesses and such.”

“Another one of your skills, I take it?”

“I guess you can say that. It also helps when you’re actually paying attention to the game.”

“Well, thank you for your help. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“You’re welcome. So where we off to?” Aidan stares at her confusedly. “You won me remember? I’m yours for the rest of the night. So what would you like to do?”

“No, that’s ok. Go home. Enjoy the rest of the night doing what you want. You looked miserable up there with him, so I figured I’d help you out. Just because you’re an escort doesn’t mean you should be traded or used to bet with. Enjoy your freedom.” He smiles charmingly then reaches over and whips out a cigar from his inside pocket. She watches as he cuts and lights it then takes a couple puffs only to choke on it. She laughs at his antics.

“She laughs! Never thought I’d get more than smile out of you,” he tries another puff and chokes some more.

“You don’t do that often do you?”

“No,” he wheezes. “Something new I thought I’d try. Most of the guys I do business with like to smoke, and I’m always the loser in the corner choking to death, so I figured it’s best to join them. Make me look more manly,” he says and punctuates his words by standing up in a Super Man pose. She shakes her head and takes the cigar from him, holds it like an expert, then takes a long drag and blows out a few Os into the sky. “You’re good at that.”

“I’m good at a lot of things,” she winks at him. “Don’t inhale. Draw it in slowly. Enjoy it. Is this Cuban?”

“Nothing but the best,” he winks. She holds the cigar to his lip and he does as she says. This time there is no choking. “Thanks. You have a good night, Alyssa,” he gently pulls the cigar from her fingertips and poises it in his mouth. He turns and heads on his way.

“Wait! What about your chips?”

He laughs. “You kidding me. That’s chump change compared to what I just made. Keep it. It’s yours now.”

She looks in the bag, there had to be close to twenty grand in there. She sees something else that doesn’t quite belong and pulls it out. It’s a card, the King of Hearts. 

“What about your jacket?” she asks his retreating form.

“I highly doubt this will be the last time we see each other,” he replies and winks before continuing on his way. 

She watches him walk away with a swag to his step then whips out her cell phone. “Hey, Julio. Long time no speak.”

*

Olivia smiles when Kyle hugs her goodbye the next weekend. She enjoys every moment she gets to spend with her little girl, and she can feel the bond between them getting stronger and stronger with each visit.

“Bye Olivia,” she waves.

“Bye Sweetie,” Olivia waves back and watches her disappear into the house. She smiles awkwardly at Elliot, then turns on her heels to head back to her car.

“Olivia, wait!” he calls and runs to catch up with her.

“What is it?” she asks, slightly annoyed because she knows she is not going to like this conversation.

“So, Kyle’s been talking a lot about a baby. Baby brother to be exact. Took me awhile to realize that Shawn isn’t a figment of her imagination or one of her dolls, but actually a real baby. Were you ever going to tell me you had a son?”

“I figured you’d find out eventually. Besides, he’s none of your business.”

“He is my business if he’s my son.”

“Well, then it’s a good thing that he’s not.”

“Let’s see. He must be about three, four months old now. Timing fits, Liv.”

“No, it doesn’t. And please don’t call me that.” she says and turns to leave again.

He catches her arm and pulls her back from him. “Olivia, we’re not done here. If he’s my son you can’t keep me out of his life.”

“He’s not. Yours,” she growls, staring him straight in the eye.

“How do you know? Do you even know who his father is?”

“No, and I don’t want to know!” she shrugs off his grasp. “He’s my son! That’s all that matters.”

“But there’s a chance that he could be mine right?”

“Of course there’s a chance. But there’s a few guys on Wall Street, a couple judges, a DA from the Bronx and an Italian businessman that I slept with the same week I slept with you. All of which have just as much of a chance of being his father as you do.”

“Well, then let’s get a DNA test.”

“No,” she says with finality.

“Olivia, I will take you to court on this.”

“Then do it Elliot! Isn’t that what you do best? Use the court system and the law to bully people into giving you what you want? I wouldn’t expect any less from you. Get a court order because I’m not going to have my son tested otherwise. But if you do, I hope you’re ready to find out that the truth may not be what you want it to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means whatever you want it to mean,” she says before storming off towards her car.

“Olivia, what are you so afraid of? Why are you fighting this so hard?”

“Because as much as I don’t want to find out who his father is, I really don’t want to find out that it’s you.” With that final word she gets into her car and speeds off to her son.

*  
Olivia sits at the bar and waits for her date to arrive. Tonight is not the night for this. She just wants to be home, curled up in bed beside her son laughing and playing with him. Enjoying her time with him. Not out on a date with some nameless asshole she doesn’t give a shit about. She’d done everything she could to get out of this date, but Vivienne wouldn’t take no for an answer. It had been a last minute hook up and apparently he had requested her by name and paid extra to have her tonight. In short, she is his for the next four to six hours. Though she hoped it was closer to four since she would need to pump by then.

Her argument with Elliot has shaken her to the core. He won’t give up without a fight, and neither will she, but she has to be realistic about the situation. Elliot does have the upper hand in all this, and she is sure that if he wanted to, he could take her son away from her, and she’s not sure if she’s strong enough to handle that. Shawn had been a small ray of hope in the darkness and never ending depression that used to be her life. Just when she was finally ready to call it quits she had found out that it wasn’t only her life she’d be taking, and the thought of having someone there to love her as much as she loved them gave her a new sense of purpose in life. His birth had brought joy back into her life. His light had penetrated the darkness and engulfed her in it’s warmth. He became her reason to live and made her believe that there was hope of being with Kyle once again. If it wasn’t for him, she’d be six feet under by now. He made her life worth living again and at this point there is nothing she fears more than going back to a time without him in it.

“You look beautiful tonight.”

She recognizes the voice, but she’s not in the mood. Not tonight. She just wants her date to come so she can finally get this over with. “Don’t I always?” she answers instead. “What are you doing here?”

Aidan sits down on the barstool beside her. “Well, I’m supposed to meet this incredibly beautiful woman here for a date. You?”

She smirks. “You know why I’m here Aidan, so just cut the bullshit.”

“Well, excuse me. I was just trying to make some small talk.”

“Well, I’m not in the mood for small talk.” 

“Fine,” he says and stands. “Let’s go.”

“Go? Go where?” 

“Out.”

“I can’t. I’m supposed to meet a client here.”

“Yea, and you’re looking at him right now.”

“What?”

“C’mon. Let’s go.”

And suddenly her night just got interesting.


	5. The Courtship of Olivia Benson

Chapter 5-The Courtship of Olivia Benson

She takes a large bite of her Whopper and dips some of her fries into his Zesty sauce. 

“Hey,” he exclaims as he attempts to brush her hands away, but her reflexes are quicker and she pulls her hand away before he can make contact. “I told you to get your own Zesty sauce.”

“I didn’t even know what it was. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had Burger King, let alone Zesty sauce. I also can’t believe you brought me to Burger King.”

“What, not fancy enough for you?” he asks and takes a bite into his chicken tender crisp sandwich.

“I don’t need fancy. I’m just surprised.”

“I like their food. It’s my guilty pleasure, so shoot me.”

“You live in one of the few cities in the world where you can get ten different burgers better than this at anytime of day or night and you choose Burger King???”

“Don’t judge me. Besides. I got a chicken sandwich. You got the burger,” he mumbles around a mouth full of food. He dips the rest of his fries into the sauce then shoves them into his mouth. “You ready?”

“Where are we going?”

He smiles charmingly. “It’s a surprise.”

She polishes off what is left of her whopper and dips the rest of her fries into his sauce before shoving them in her mouth. “Ready,” she answers. 

He clears off their table and tossed everything in the trash. “C’mon,” he says and waits for her to take one final sip of her Hi-C mixed with sprite. She tosses it in the trash then links arms with him and follows him out. So far she is enjoying her night.

*

Aidan admires Olivia from behind as she grabs a ball and steps up to the line. Her form is perfect as she draws the ball back in her right hand and then releases it to watch it roll down the glossy floor. 

Strike!

The pins scatter and she jumps up in delight. 

“Doesn’t count,” he says from around the score machine.

“What’d you mean it doesn’t count? Of course it counts!”

“You stepped over the line.”

“I did not.”

“Did so.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

“You’re just mad because I’ve been kicking your ass all night.”

It was true. So far she had beaten him at Dance Dance Revolution, basketball, the car racing game, and he had died before her on every shooting game they had tried in the arcade attached to the bowling alley. 

“Not true. I beat you in Guitar Hero.”

Well, there was that.

“I let you win.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

“You know, I’m not sure if I like this side of you.”

She laughs out loud. Truly laughs. She can’t remember a time when she has had this much fun. “You’re the one who’s competitive.” 

“I’m an athlete. It’s in my nature to be competitive.”

“And I’m a woman. It’s in my nature to be better than you.”

He smiles and shakes his head. “You’re something, you know that, right.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Well, it’s late. How ‘bout we call it a game and I get you home.”

“I still have one more turn left.”

“But, you’re already winning.”

“Yea, but I like to do a thorough job in everything I do.”

“Everything you do?” he leers and moves in close to her.

“Everything I do,” she leers back, moving in close to him. “That includes kicking your ass.” She jumps up and grabs another ball. He watches as she rolls yet another strike. “Now we can go,” she announces as she walks past him to collect her shoes.

He simply smiles and shakes his head at her antics. He follows her outside and his car and driver are waiting idly nearby.

“So, where can I drop you off?”

“I’m actually just going to catch a cab.”

“No. I want to make sure you get home safe. It’s a dangerous city, you know.”

“I know, but I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

“Alyssa.”

“Aidan.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

She avoids eye contact with him. “I’m just not comfortable with you knowing where I live.”

“I see. Do you think you will ever trust me to know such privileged information?”

She shrugs. “Probably not.”

“Do you think you’ll ever trust me enough to tell me your real name?”

“You do know my real name.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why, did you try to look me up or something and come back empty handed? Alyssa’s a pretty common name, you know.”

“No. It’s not uncommon for women in your profession to use an alias. You don’t wear it like it’s your name. You don’t own it. Sometimes it takes you minute to respond when I call you, as though you didn’t realize it was you I was talking to.”

“Aidan, Alyssa is my real name.”

He shakes his head. “No, its not.” He eyes her skeptically and he can see in the subtle way she avoids eye contact, and the way her eyes hold a cloud of sadness that getting through will be a challenge, but it is a challenge that he is willing to accept. “I had a good time tonight.”

“Me too. I can’t remember a time I had so much fun.” 

“I’ve seen you on some of your dates. You looked like you could use some fun in your life.” 

She smiles at this, because her dates can be a bit boring sometimes. “So you make it a habit to frequent arcades and bowling alleys?

“Hell yea I do! Life is too short to spend it bored and unhappy.”

She thinks about this and supposes that he is right, but her life has been a series of unfortunate events that have led to a lifetime of unhappiness. Yes, there have been good moments. Her time with her children is precious and being with them does make her happy. She also recalls a time in her marriage to Elliot when she couldn’t imagine being any happier, but when it ended she allowed herself to fall into a life of misery. A life she guesses she’s still living now. “You may be right,” she answers instead.

“So when can I see you again?”

“Aidan…I’m sorry but…I’m not really looking to get involved with anyone right now. It’s just not a good time for me.”

He stares at her with a confused look on his face. “Alyssa, you and I aren’t getting any younger. If now is not the time then when is?”

She smirks. “I think my time has passed, but you’re still young. Kinda good looking, I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Alyssa, it’s never too late for love.”

“For me, it is.”

*

He had hailed her a cab and then paid the driver to bring her home. She was surprised the next day when Vivienne had called her to let her know that he had booked her for a few more dates. He was persistent, she’ll give him that, but there would have to come a point where he would give up on her because he could do better, and soon he would realize that.

Melinda Warner brings over two cups of mint tea and hands one to her. “So, how’s Shawn been doing?”

“Good. Really good. He’s all smiles and kisses,” she answers and glances over at her son as he lays sleeping in his car seat.

“That’s great. He sleeping through the night yet?”

“For the most part, yeah. He’s still up by six, but he’s a good baby.”

Melinda watches Olivia closely. They were never particularly close to begin with. Acquaintances, really, respected colleagues in the same general area of profession. She had attended Olivia and Elliot’s wedding, but had missed the downfall. From what she knows it was quick and without much warning. After The Incident, she never saw Olivia. She was discharged from the force before she even woke up in her hospital bed. No pension. No benefits. No one had heard from her or known her whereabouts, but they also didn’t seem to care much. She did. She had checked on her once, and to say she wasn’t doing well was an understatement. After much searching she found Olivia living in some run down motel, unable to scrape together enough cash for a down payment on an apartment. Melinda tried to be there for her. Offered her money. A place to stay, but Olivia had been unreachable. She was wallowing in her own heartache and self-pity, and allowing it to consume her. Melinda saw it, tried to help, but Olivia never reached back when she stretched out her hand to help her. Then things took a turn for the worst in her own marriage, and she had needed to focus on mending the cracks in her own home before it too fell apart. By the time things were back on track at home, Olivia had fallen off the radar completely. Then one particularly cold night in her mad search for a bodega that was still open and had milk had landed her in a particularly seedy part of town. She had exited the store and found her shivering against the wall of the bodega. It took Melinda awhile to recognize her, but something about the scantily clad woman with pale skin and mussed hair had seemed familiar. To her horror it had been her, and she had been high as a kite. Melinda brought Olivia home. Put her in a hot bath, bathed her, and then tucked her into a warm bed for the night. When she returned from work the next day, Olivia had still been asleep. The morning after that she had been gone. All that was left in her place was a note on her pillow that simply said, “Thank You.” 

Melinda had searched the local shelters, driven through some the areas where some of the working girls on her table had come from. While some of the girls on the corner knew of Olivia, they hadn’t seen her in awhile. For two years Melinda lived in fear, waiting for the day when Olivia’s dead body would wind up on her table. She was surprised when, early one morning, she had found her waiting in her office, nearly seven months pregnant, and asking her to be her birthing coach. She had eagerly accepted, afraid to lose her and now her baby once again. Now, almost seven months later Olivia sits in her living room as if nothing has happened. As if they have been good friends all along. Melinda enjoys her friendship with Olivia. She likes that they can meet for drinks and have shopping days. That Olivia comes over once a week for dinner with her family. She is Shawn’s godmother, and as time continues, and their relationship grows, she begins to feel more and more like they are sisters and not just friends.

“You seem a lot happier since the last time I saw you.”

“I am.” She answers honestly. 

“Hmm. So what’s his name?” Melinda asks knowingly.

Olivia laughs and shakes her head. “Am I that transparent?”

“You’re glowing, girl.”

“His name is Aidan.”

“Where’d you meet him?”

Olivia avoids Melinda’s inquisitive eyes. “Work.” Melinda has never been a supporter of her new line of work, but she knows not to push.

“You know that job offer is still on the table.”

“I know Melinda, and once again thank you, but I’m fine.”

“Alright. Just making sure you know.”

Olivia smiles. “Mel, you let me know every time we see each other.”

“Just making sure that’s all. So tell me about this Aidan fellow.”

Olivia can’t hide the smile that comes over her face. “Well, he essentially buys and sells companies, which is as serious as he gets. He’s a ton of fun. Loves Hip Hop and Rap music. Loves having fun. Very athletic. Swims, rock climbs, plays pick up games of just about anything when he can. He…makes me feel like I’m sixteen again. Everything is so simple with him. He’s taken me everywhere from the theatre to dancing to roller skating, bowling, the movies. He’s funny, and just so easy to talk to. I really enjoy our time together.”

“Sounds interesting. How’s he on the eyes?”

Olivia grins. “Very easy.”

“So when do I get to meet him?”

“You don’t. We’re not really dating.”

“What do you mean you’re not really dating?”

“He books me for dates, but that’s about it. Nothing outside of work.”

“Why not?”

“Because Mel, I’m not looking to get into anything serious.”

“Well, when are you planning to start getting serious with someone again?”

“Mel…”

“Olivia, you can’t let the past keep you from being happy and finding love again. This guy seems to really like you. Give him a chance.”

“I don’t know, Melinda.”

“Well, don’t wait too long, because one day he’s going to take you seriously and stop waiting around for you.”

“I guess-” she is interrupted when Shawn coos from his car seat. She puts down her tea and lifts him into her lap. “This right here is the only man that I need. Isn’t that right, Shawn?” Shawn smiles and laughs at his mother. 

“Let me see my godson,” Melinda reaches for Shawn and Olivia passes him over. “Now, tell your crazy mom that you have no intension of becoming a mamma’s boy.” Shawn laughs once again.

“Oh, he’s up!” one of Melinda’s daughters exclaims from the staircase. She hurries over to her mother and reaches for Shawn. “Can I hold him, Olivia?” At Olivia’s go ahead she takes the baby and heads back up the stairs. 

“Be careful with him. If you break him, I’m too old to replace him.”

“I’m not!” the young girl calls back.

“Yeah, let’s see what your father says about that.”

“Your girls are gorgeous, Mel. I can’t get over how much they look like you.”

“Thanks, but all they do is drive me crazy. If they’re not fighting, they’re not breathing. Tamara is always taking Malia’s things. Malia wants to be out at all hours of the night. I swear they’re both trying to give me a stroke, but I love ‘em. Wouldn’t change them for the world.”

“Makes me wonder what Kyle’s going to be like when she gets to that age. With Elliot’s stubbornness.”

“Elliot’s stubbornness? From what I’ve seen, she’s a pint sized you. Giving Elliot the same trouble you used to give him.”

“You’ve seen her?”

“I’ve seen him bring her to family functions and the office a few times. That girl does not take no for an answer.”

Olivia smiles at that. “She also has his temper.”

“That she does,” Melinda takes a sip of her tea. “So how have things been going with you, stress wise and all?”

Olivia smiles. She can read between the lines. “I’m doing ok, Mel. I’m still going to my NA meetings and things with Kyle have also been going well.” 

“Has she called you Mom yet?”

Olivia smiles wistfully. “No, I’m starting to think it won’t happen. She sees Casey as her mother now. She gets that I’m her mother too, but Casey is Mommy, and I don’t think that’s ever going to change.”

“It will happen, Olivia. Just give it some more time. She’s still trying to get to know you.”

“I guess. I just want my daughter back, you know? I want to be her only mother.” 

“You will be. It’s just going to take some time.”

*  
Olivia listens intently as he talks about his latest business adventure. The deal had taken him to Dubai and she listens intently as he explains to her the culture there, and how beautiful the man-made city is, and the more he explains, the more she hopes to be able to one day visit and see for herself the wonders that he now speaks of. Tonight he has brought them to Donatello’s and ordered Caesar salads and Chicken Alfredo for them both. She can see the exhaustion in his eyes, jet lagged from coming straight off a fourteen hour flight to see her. Though as tired as he may be, he seems genuinely happy to see her. Happy to be with her. 

With her.

The waiter brings over their food and he smiles up at her. “They make the best Alfredo here, I can’t wait for you to try it.” He takes the parmesan cheese off the table and sprinkles a generous amount onto his plate, then offers it to her. “Here, it’s better with extra cheese.” 

She takes the cheese from him and watches him with wonder in her eyes as he swirls some noodles onto his fork. 

She smiles.

*

They step out of the restaurant together and he comes around to stand in front of her. “So, how come you didn’t tell me before that you knew about the Alfredo at Donatello’s?” 

“You seemed so excited to introduce me to it. I didn’t want to ruin it for you.”

“So you decide to let me ramble on like an idiot instead,” he dead pans.

She laughs softly. “You were cute.”

“Oooh. So you think I’m cute now.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re ok.”

“So you want me to hail you a cab or something?”

He’s such the perfect gentleman and she is always taken back by his respect for her, and her privacy. He never seems to push, though she knows he wants to. Still, he is always willing to go at her pace. While it is only ten and he is so clearly tired, she’s not quite ready to part ways with him for the night. “I know you must be exhausted, but could we walk for a bit?”

“Yeah, of course,” he nods. 

She begins walking and he follows beside her. It’s a cool October night and she crosses her arms and huddles into herself. When she shivers he removes his blazer and places it over her shoulders. “Thank you,” she smiles.

“Not a problem. It’s a little chilly, but still a really nice night.”

“Yeah. Not many like this left, I wanted to take advantage of it.” 

“I’m not excited for the winter.”

“Me either, but I love the fall. Nights like this make me want to enjoy the gifts of mother nature.”

“Yes, and blizzards that leave me stranded at the airport for hours makes me wonder what it is I did to piss her off.”

Olivia laughs at this. They walk in a comfortable silence for a couple blocks and when his hand brushes against hers she allows him to take it in his. His palm is warm and firm against her own and she smiles to herself.

Is yesterday we were just children. Playing soldiers. Just pretending. Dreaming dreams with happy endings…

“So umm. I’ve been trying to find a new charity to donate to…” It’s not much of a conversation starter, but it is something.

“Why not breast cancer?” she suggests.

“No. Have you looked in stores lately? I can’t even buy a tick tack without it supporting them. I think they’re doing fine enough. I want something low key. I want to give to a charity that, like all charities, could use the money, but aren’t really receiving as much money as the popular ones in the media.”

“Umm. How about children’s and women’s shelters. Or St. Jude, or something. I know you said you were looking for low key, but every time I see those kids…I don’t think I could ever be as brave as   
“Why St. Jude?”

“Because I used to be one of those kids you feel so sorry for.” At her look of surprise he continues. “I had leukemia as a kid. Almost died a couple times, but just when everyone had run out of options, out of hope, St. Jude was there. Saved my life.”

“Wow. Has the cancer ever returned?”

“Nope. I’ve been cancer free for almost twenty years now.” 

“That’s amazing.” Once again they walk in silence and she tries to come up with another charity. “How about you start your own?”

“What do you mean?”  
them. I can’t imagine what their parents are going through.”

“Yeah it must be hard, but I already donate regularly to St. Jude. Have been for years now. Ever since I started making money.”

“You know. Like all those celebrities. Find a cause that means something to you and start your own.”

“What would you start a charity for?”

“Rape victims,” she says without hesitation. “Getting them the help they need, from counseling, to relocation if they’d like. Some of them are so traumatized that they can’t go back to work, but then they don’t have any money to pay their bills. It’d be nice if they could take the extra time they need. Ending the back log. There are a ton of rape kits that have yet to be tested. Leaving rapists out there free to continue victimizing other people.” 

“You sure know a lot about this.”

“You learn a lot when things hit close to home.”

But now we've stepped into a cruel world. Where everybody stands and keeps score…

He doesn’t want their night to become a great ball of depression so he decides not pry. “Aren’t things like that government funded?”

“They are, but government money can only be stretched so far, it’s the same reason why cops make shit. They put up with filth and sacrifice time with their families, put their lives on the line and for all that they barely make enough to make ends meet. Sometimes even sending their kids to college is a struggle. If they make a simple mistake they lose everything. Their jobs. Their pension. Their dignity. Their respect. They deserve better.”

So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard. Every lesson forms a new scar…

“Aren’t there scholarships and such out there for them?” 

“I’m sure there are, but those are also probably government funded.”

He eyes her skeptically. “How do you know so much about this stuff?”

She shrugs, painful memories of a life she used to have flooding her heart. “You learn a lot in my line of work.”

He continues eyeing her, once again getting a glimpse of the pain she carries inside of her from day to day. “It’s getting late,” he says.

“It’s only 10:30. Wimp.”

“This wimp has technically been up since 7 AM yesterday. I’m exhausted, but I also want to put you in a cab early so you can get home safe. When are you going to let me know where you live?”

“I dunno. Maybe when you prove to me that you can be trusted with such privileged information.”

He stops and pulls her so that she stands face to face with him. “And what do I have to do to prove to you that I can be trusted?” He asks, his lips a bare whisper above hers.

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown. Everybody's watching to see the fallout. Even when you're sleeping, sleeping. Keep your eyes open…

 

She stares into his eyes and she is enveloped by the calm of the blue of his eyes. She steps closer to him, and when his lips finally descend onto hers she fights the urge to run. To flee from the possible heartache. She stares at him, her eyes wide open, afraid to blink, afraid that if she closes her eyes he will change the same way her husband did and she will miss it and she will get hurt again, all without any warning. This time, she wants to be prepared. She wants to see it coming. 

Keep your feet ready. Heartbeat steady. Keep your eyes open. Keep your aim locked. The night goes dark. Keep your eyes open…

“It’s ok,” he says. “I won’t hurt you.” And she wonders how he knows because his eyes are still closed. His tongue touches her lower lip and she gives into her own feelings, her need for intimacy and opens her mouth to him, and when his tongue finally touches hers she closes her eyes, and enjoys his kiss. His arms circle around her waist and pulls her closer, and he is all hard muscle, just like she thought he would be. She continues to let go of her anxieties and her fears, and her arms come up to circle around his neck. The blazer falls, but his reflexes are quick and he catches it before it has a chance to hit the ground, all without interrupting their kiss. He pulls her tighter against him and holds her in his strong arms, and for the first time in a long time she feels good. Her tongue contends with his and she feels safe and warm and wanted and at home. For the first time in a long time she feels like she can once again fall in love.

He pulls back breaking their kiss and rests his forehead against hers. “Wow,” he breathes, placing the blazer back over her shoulders. “I’ve always imagined what it would be like, but…”

“Yea,” she pants back, eyes still closed. “Wow.”

“I think it’s time to get you home.” 

He hails her a cab and pays the driver to take her home then opens the door for her and allows her to take a seat. She remembers his blazer still wrapped around her shoulders and tries to hand it back.

“No,” he shakes his head. “I trust you to hold onto it for me. I’ll get it back, when you trust me to come over to your place and get it.”

“You’re going to run out of blazers if you keep this up.”

“I have more than enough money to buy a thousand more.” He closes the door and kisses her chastely through the window. “Goodnight.”

She smiles back and replies, “Goodnight.” 

 

*

From then on their dates ended with them making out like high school teenagers. His driver circling the blocks of the city in an effort to give them more time. She enjoys this time with him and can feel herself being drawn closer to him, her feelings grow stronger for him with each passing day, and it scares her. For that reason she keeps their arrangement the same. She only sees him for work, and she is sure to distance herself from him as much as possible, but that doesn’t change the way he feels about her. It doesn’t keep him from making continuous gestures like buying her fancy jewelry and making her stuffed animals at Build A Bear. It doesn’t stop him from taking her out on romantic dates from time to time, but tonight has been by far the most romantic.

Tonight he had picked her up in a stretch limo with a bouquet of red roses, had the Oak Room shut down at The Plaza, and it was just the two of them surrounded by candlelight and a romantic dinner. A band of violinists played in the background, and she had appreciated it, really she had, but tonight her heart just wasn’t in it. It was Halloween, and she had promised Kyle that they would go out trick or treating together. She would be Peter pan, and Kyle was to be Tinkerbelle, Shawn, one of the lost boys. But Elliot had put a firm halt to that. Spouting some bull about him taking her and how he and his kids always went trick or treating every Halloween and how this one would be no different. There was nothing she could do to change his mind, so instead she had simply dropped off the Tinkerbelle costume she and Kyle had put together and that was that. 

The problem was Kyle was upset with her and refused to come out and speak with her when she dropped the costume off. Olivia knows Kyle thinks she broke her promise to her and there is no room in their newfound relationship for broken promises. Especially when there is a faulty foundation on which it has been built. Kyle already believes that Olivia left her as a baby because she didn’t want her now this has happened and she isn’t sure how to fix it. She can’t really explain it without putting the blame on Elliot, but really she knows she only has herself to blame. She should have checked with him first before she went out making promises she wasn’t sure she could keep.

So now, as the limo driver circles around town, and as he delves his tongue deep into her mouth, she decides she wants more. She wants to forget Kyle’s look of disappointment she has stamped in her brain and think about anything else. She wants to feel good, and she wants him to make her feel good. So she takes control and pushes him against the seats then straddles his waist easily and pushes her tongue into his mouth. He moans against her lips and allows her to help him remove his blazer. His hand travels up her bare thighs and he pulls her closer against his growing erection. When he doesn’t make the move she’s been hoping for, she grabs him by the fingers of one of his hands and places them over her heat. He takes the hint and slides them inside of her panties and finally touches her where she wants to be touched the most. She moans into his mouth when he slides his middle and ring finger inside of her and begins to move them back and forth painstakingly slow. She rocks her hips against him urging him to move faster and once again he takes her hint and begins to increase his pace. She loses her breath and breaks their kiss and moans and pants into his ear. She holds him close and rocks her hips against his fingers until she explodes, muffling her cries of pleasure into his neck. Once she catches her breath and comes back down off of her high she attacks his mouth with even more fervor, wanting more. Needing more to drown out the day and her pain and fears, and just needing something, anything to make her forget it all. She reaches for his belt buckle and his hands cover hers, halting her. “Alyssa,” he tries, mumbling against her lips. She brushes his hands away and continues her assault on his mouth. “Alyssa,” he tries again. “Not here. Let’s go to your place or mine. My apartment’s not too far from here.”

“No. Here,” she mumbles before her mouth is on his and it’s enough. 

Finally it is enough. 

He pushes her off of him and she falls to the seat beside him. “God! What is wrong with you?!”

She stares at him with confusion in her eyes because really she doesn’t know what the fuck just happened. “Wha-”

“Don’t you have any shame? Where’s your common decency? Your self respect?! What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been distant all night and as soon as we hop into the car you decide you want to fuck. Where the hell is all this coming from? I mean you won’t tell me your real name, but you’ll let me fuck you in the back of my limo? What kind of relationship is this?!”

“Who said this was a relationship?”

“Really, Alyssa? You’re going to hide behind your job now and pretend like we don’t have something going on here? I mean, do you let all your clients finger fuck you in the back of their limos too?” 

“Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you! I’m tired of this. I’m tired of this being a one sided relationship. I’m tired of opening up myself to you, hoping it will make you trust me enough to open up yourself to me. I told you about my cancer. Do you think that was easy for me? Do you think that’s a time in my life that I particularly like to revisit? I told you those things so that you would finally open up to me.”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“You didn’t have to! I mean God, it’s been 6 WEEKS AND I STILL DON’T KNOW YOUR REAL FUCKING NAME!” 

“My name-”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare lie to my face.” 

“I just can’t, but what’s going on... It’s not about you. I just had a bad day.”

“Just tell me what’s wrong. I’m here for you. I can help.”

“I can’t…I just… can’t.”

“It’s now or never, Alyssa. I need you to open up to me. I need you to trust me. At least enough to tell me your real name.”

She looks up at him with tear filled eyes. Pleading with him to just let. It. Go.

He sighs. “Driver!” he calls. “Pull over here.” The driver does as he’s told and pulls over to the curb. “Get out,” he tells her.

“Aidan,” she tries.

“Just…Go.”

With tear filled eyes she grabs her purse and climbs out of the limo. The driver pulls off leaving her out on the street, cold and alone.


	6. Unthinkable

Chapter 6- Unthinkable

“You look sad.” 

Olivia glances up from feeding Shawn and watches her daughter nibble on a French fry. They sit at a table at a local Burger King. Kyle had spotted it as they drove by and wanted to go, and she didn’t seem to have the heart to tell her no. It’s the same one Aidan had brought her to so many nights ago. A night that was filled with laughter and careless freedom. A night that she will never forget. She guesses that it is risky to be at a place where she and Aidan have visited before, but there is a part of her that hopes that maybe she will see him, and her secret will be exposed and everything will be out in the open and she will no longer have to worry about him finding out, or build up the courage to tell him. But then again, she doesn’t think she will see him. It probably hurts him too much to come here to a place where they were first happy. She knows, because just sitting at this table with her children is killing her.

“I’m fine, Sweetie. Eat up.”

Kyle takes a bite of her cheeseburger then stares at her mother. “Did I make you sad?”

No. Her daughter isn’t the reason why she’s sad. He is. Aidan has cut off all ties with her. Not that there were many to cut, she can thank herself for that. She set up an email account at his behest and now that he no longer wishes to communicate with her, she has no reason to keep it except for the hope that she still has that he will finally reply to one of the twelve emails she’s sent him. He cancelled all of his dates with her and rescheduled with some of the other girls. She remembers she had gone to the office to find out what was going on, and one of the other, younger, girls had grinned at her and made some smart comment about being able to do what she couldn’t and make him happy. Make him one of her regulars. Many of the girls had been jealous of her. Not only had she made good money off him, but he had bought her gifts and expensive clothes. All of which the girls knew about, although she’s not quite sure how. They thought she was living the call girl fantasy in which a rich bastard was so smitten with her that he eventually asked her to marry him. They were happy to see her fail for once. Despite many of the girls being younger than her, perkier, and full of more cosmetic surgery than Joan Rivers, a date with Olivia still cost more than a date with one of them, which meant that she made more money than them. Little did they know that she actually worked hard for her customers. She used her brain rather than her body to wrangle in high paying customers, which is why she knew none of them would last with Aidan. Most of them were just too dumb to hold his interest. 

Olivia manages to muster up a smile for her daughter. “No, Sweetie. But I did want to talk to you about Halloween.”

“Why didn’t you want to go trick-or-treating with me? You promised.”

“I know, but I made a mistake. Your Dad had already planned something for you and I should have checked with him before I made that promise. Believe me, I wanted to go, but Daddy already had something special for you so we thought that it was best if you did that instead.”

“We just went trick-or-treating with my other brothers and sisters. We always do that. Why didn’t you come?”

Olivia sighs. How do you explain the complexities of a messy divorce to a five-year-old? “I never thought of it,” she lies. “Maybe next time,” she lies again. Great, now she was lying to her kid. “So, do you forgive me?”

“Yeah.”

“Great, how about we go get some ice cream after?”

“Okay!” Kyle exclaims excitedly. Those words are magic to her little ears.

“Well, hurry and finish up so we can go!”

Kyle jumps and takes a big bite of her burger and smiles at her mother as she chews. Olivia smiles back. Shawn finishes his bottle and Olivia sits him up to burp him. As she lightly pats his back, she stares at the table they had sat at so many nights ago. She could see them there. Sitting across from each other. Hear their conversation word for word, and suddenly she is overwhelmed with the loneliness. The loss of him. She misses him desperately. She isn’t aware that she is crying until Kyle paws at a lone tear streaming down her face. 

“It’s Ok. Don’t cry, Mommy, I still love you.”

*

“Well, what did you think would happen?!” Melinda exclaims exasperatedly. “You dated the man for six weeks and you never even told him your real name!”

She sits on her couch, a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough shared between them. When she had called this evening to tell her that she and the kids wouldn’t be over for dinner tonight because she just wasn’t up for it, Melinda had read between the lines and been over within the hour with dinner, and the ice cream they now share, in tow. Tonight was supposed to be Kyle’s first dinner with them because Elliot allowed her to have Kyle for an extra day. Something they had all been looking forward to, so Melinda knew something was definitely up. Their dinner sits cooling on the counter while Olivia bares her soul to the only woman in her life that truly cares about her. Although she was hoping for more compassion than tough love.

“I never-”

“Bullshit, Olivia. Lie to him and lie to yourself, but you sure as hell ain’t lying to me. I saw how happy you were with him. You had feelings for him. Real feelings! And you developed those feelings because you were dating him and you know it. I told you if you kept stringing him along he would eventually leave you.”

“I know. And I know it would eventually happen, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much…You know, Kyle finally called me Mommy.”

“Really? That’s great!”

“No. Not great. We were sitting there in the Burger King he took me to on our first date-”

“Wait, he took you to Burger King on your first date? That boy has all that money-”

“Mel,” Olivia looks at her seriously.

“Sorry. Go on.”

“It’s a long story, but yeah he took me there. He took me on a normal date that we would have gone on if we were broke and sixteen, and really, it made me like him even more. Showed me how down to earth he was and how full of life he is. I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun or smiled more.”

“Then why let him go?”

“Because I can’t tell him who I really am. I can’t tell him about my past or who I used to be. I can’t tell him about my kids. I have to protect them-”

“Olivia, you need to stop hiding behind those kids. I understand that they’re a factor, but that’s not until you two get serious. There’s more to this than what you’re admitting.”

“He doesn’t want me anymore, Mel,” and her tears slip out of her eyes without warning. “He doesn’t even know who I really am and already he’s deemed me not worth knowing. So what’s the point?”

Melinda nods in understanding. “The point is you have feelings for him and at least if you told him, you wouldn’t be sitting here wondering what if, and I’d bet that’s what’s tearing you up inside right now.” Seeing her friend’s sadness, she tries to change the subject. “So what happened with Kyle?”

“Well, I was sitting there, surrounded by our memories and thinking about him, and I ended up crying in front of her like a jackass. And she wipes away my tears and tells me it’s ok. ‘Don’t cry Mommy. I still love you.’ That’s what she says. I mean I’m her mom. You’re not supposed to cry in front of your kids. You’re supposed to be their pillar of strength, not the other way around.”

“I beg to differ, Liv. My kids are the reason I crawl out of bed at six every morning. Why I try to eat right and run every day. Well, every other day.” At Olivia’s look she amends again. “I said try. But anyway. They’re the reason why I spend more time with the dead than the living. That and living patients are annoying. But I do it so that they can have whatever they want or need. So that I can be around to watch them grow up and live full happy lives. And look at you. Look how far you’ve come. You got off drugs and stopped being a prostitute so that Shawn would be born healthy, and so that you could make a stable home. You’ve been making strides ever since. You’ve got Kyle back in your life and she’s calling you Mommy. It doesn’t matter how it happened, Liv. It happened, and that’s big.”

Olivia nods. After everything’s said and done, Kyle calling her Mommy means the world to her.

“So, what are you going to do about Aidan?” Melinda asks in spite of herself.

“I don’t know, Mel. I think I’m just going to cut my losses and continue working and try not to fall for my next client.”

“Olivia, you don’t have to give up. You made it so that he has no way to contact you or reach you.”

“He can contact me through the agency. We also have the now fifteen emails he hasn’t responded to.”

“What did you say in those emails?”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, what else am I supposed to say?”

“Olivia. He’s not going to respond to that. He needs more. You need to go to him. Open up to him. He’s not going to chase after a woman that doesn’t want to be chased. You have to take that step. You have to track him down and tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not ready to bring him into my life. I’ve got kids, Mel.”

“Bullshit, Olivia. You can’t hide behind those kids forever. You need to keep taking back your life and being with someone that genuinely cares for you is a way to do it. Yes, bringing him around them is a risk, but you don’t have to do it right away. Letting him know they exist is a big step and from the way you talk about him, not really a risk at all.” She stares at her friend and can see the guilty look on her face. “You know this too, don’t you?” Olivia nods. “So what’s the real problem, Liv? Tell me.”

“What if he doesn’t like the real me?”

“What do you mean? How can he not? From the way you tell it, he’s completely smitten with you.”

“Yeah, but that’s because he doesn’t know me! He has no idea who I am. I mean, who wants to be with a divorced mother of two and ex junkie prostitute? Melinda, once he finds out about me - the real me - he’s going to go running for the hills and I’m going to be left here all alone. So, I’d have bared my soul and told him all my secrets for nothing.”

“You’re alone now.”

“Yeah, but at least I have some semblance of my dignity left.”

“Well, you can keep your dignity and be alone, or you can take a chance and wear your heart out on your sleeve and possibly gain everything you’ve ever wanted. If it’s too much for him, then you can pick yourself up again and move on. Yes, you’ll be a little hurt, but you’ll get over it, and isn’t it better knowing you tried than always wondering what if?”

 

*

The next day, Olivia rings the doorbell to Elliot’s home so that she can drop Kyle off. She’s all full of smiles as she waits for him to open the door, until it does and it is not him standing on the other side. 

“Casey,” Olivia greets.

Casey smiles awkwardly. “Olivia, how’ve you been?”

“Good,” Olivia turns her attention from the other woman to her daughter and stoops down to her level. “Now, you be good and have a good couple of weeks ok? I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Ok,” Kyle nods and hugs her mother. “I love you, Mommy.”

“Love you too, Sweetie,” Olivia tells her as she squeezes her back.

Kyle waves bye, then rushes into the house.

“Brush your teeth and start getting ready for bed!” Casey calls behind her. She turns back around just in time to see Olivia descend the steps. “Olivia, wait.”

“What, Casey?” she growls.

“Can we talk for a moment?”

Olivia crosses her arms defensively over her chest. “I don’t see what we have to talk about.”

“Kyle.”

“What about her?”

“Look, we’re both important people in her life. It would be great if we could get along.”

“I’m sorry Casey, but I have no intention of getting along with you.”

“Olivia-”

“Really, Casey? How do you think this is supposed to work? Are we supposed to go out for drinks and exchange tips and stories about screwing my ex husband?”

“Olivia…Things with Elliot just…happened. I never meant-”

“It doesn’t matter what you meant. It should have NEVER happened. You were supposed to be my best. friend.”

“After everything that happened, he needed me. Juggling Kyle and work-”

“Really? The twice divorced father of five needed you more than the jobless, homeless, childless mother whose husband was divorcing her? The one that had just been shot and just so happened to be your best friend? Please. I was walking around with a hole in my chest, literally and figuratively, and I needed my best friend. But I knew. Deep down inside I knew you always wanted him, and when the opportunity presented itself you took it!”

“I did not, Olivia.”

“You can lie to me all you want, but you’re the one in my old house, fucking my ex-husband in my old bed. Having my daughter call you Mommy. A title you don’t even deserve.”

“Yeah, and you do? She got shot because of you! A two year old had a bullet lodged in her chest and almost died because of you, and you wanted me to feel sorry for you?” 

“You have no idea what happened in that alley, and if you ever were my friend, you would have asked me. You wouldn’t have believed the hype. You would have been there when I woke up in that hospital bed. You would have convinced my husband to talk to me, forgive me, take me back, done and said whatever to make sure I got to keep my family. Because that’s what good friends do. That’s what I would have done for you. If you were my friend, you wouldn’t have used it as an opportunity to take my family from me. Because if the roles were reversed and I was still your best friend, that’s what I would have done. I would have done everything in my power to find out the truth instead of listening to the media-”

“Ballistics-”

“Ballistics have been wrong before and you know it, Casey. But you didn’t want to believe it was wrong.” 

“Olivia.”

“Look, at this point I don’t care. What’s done is done. I’ll be civil with you when she is around, but we will not be friends. You can have Elliot, and my old house, and fuck him in my old bed, but Kyle- she’s mine. You just heard her call me Mommy, which is why you want us to be friends. So you can secure your place in her life no matter what happens. But you see, I gave birth to her. She grew inside me for nine months, and that’s a bond you can’t even begin to compete with in your wildest dreams.”

“That may be so, but I’m still here and I have no plans of going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Neither do I Casey. Neither do I. So enjoy your time with her for now while it lasts. Because as long as I’m around, it won’t last long. And I’m not going anywhere either.” Olivia smirks at her then climbs into her car and speeds away a few seconds later. Casey watches on slightly unnerved, and worried that her time in her daughter’s life may be limited.

*

Olivia sips on her martini as she waits for her date to arrive. She knows nothing about this one because her schedule was never updated after Aidan cancelled all of their dates. She’s really not up for it tonight, but she needs to get back up on the horse and move on with her life. She decided to start by wearing the dress she has on now. It is a dress she purchased with Aidan in mind. Her back is bare and the soft material clings to her every curve. The front of the dress dips low, leaving very little to the imagination. The dress is a royal purple and she accentuates it with gold accessories. She wanted to wear it for him one day, but she supposes that day will never come, so instead she wears it tonight as part of taking her first initial steps to finally getting over him.

“Excuse me, Ms. Matthews?”

“Yeah?” she turns and knows that this is not her date. He is simply the driver. 

“I’ve been sent to escort you out.”

“Alright.” 

She quickly pays her tab and then allows him to escort her out to the stretch black limo and she thinks that she wouldn’t mind him becoming a repeat customer. She quickly racks her brain for the many events going on tonight and the clientele so she can do her job right. He opens the door and she slides in then tries to make out her date for the night, but the car is dark and she can only see a shadowed figure that sits in the corner. 

“Hi, I’m Alyssa,” she offers her best smile and stretches out her hand to greet him.

“I know who you are,” a voice says and she immediately recognizes it. “Aidan?”

“Look, don’t read too much into this. I tried to reschedule but no one else was available to go and I wasn’t about to lose two grand. No refunds.”

“I know another girl…I can-”

“No. I paid for you and I’m sure as hell going to get my money’s worth. I’m not going to take some annoying second rate bitch.”

It’s the first time he’s ever referred to their arrangement as what it actually is, and it makes her feel cheap and used. But she supposes that at this point, she is. “Aidan, can we talk. Please?”

“Talk about what, Alyssa? There’s nothing to discuss. This is our last date on the books so let’s just get through tonight so that I don’t ever have to see you again.”

She nods and sits in silence with him for the rest of the ride. There is so much she wants to say and explain, but she knows he won’t listen. He won’t understand and, in the end, she’ll still wind up hurt. She can get through tonight and then she’ll never have to see him again, just as he says.

They pull up to their destination and when the driver lets them out, Aidan does not wait to escort her into the building. He does not even hold the door open for her when he enters and she knows it’s going to be a long night. She walks in and as she sees the other people attending the function, she feels like something about them is eerily familiar, and not in a good way.

She steps into the ballroom and freezes when she realizes just where she is. She suddenly feels like a wounded guppy swimming in shark infested waters. She is surrounded by the familiar faces of her old life. The life in which she had a respectable job as a cop and not a sleezy escort dating people for money. She’s out of place, and her dress isn’t long enough for such an event. Some of them recognize her and stare and gossip. Others, former Johns of hers, gather their wives and head in the opposite direction. Then there are the ones that knew her well. They can’t keep their mouths closed and their eyes never waver. 

“Olivia,” Cragen says. “Is that you?”

“Don,” she nods.

“Damn, girl. Where have you been?” Fin takes a step towards her and she takes one back.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Oh, so it’s like that.”

“Yeah, it’s like that,” she says icily and walks away.

“Olivia,” Munch calls, but she ignores the name and continues on in the opposite direction.

She quickly locates Aidan shaking hands with the police commissioner and the mayor - a John of hers as well from when she was working with Xavier. She quickly sidles up to him and links arms with him. He eyes her with annoyance, but he will be her shield for tonight. He’s polite and introduces her to the mayor and the commissioner and they are none the wiser as to who she is. Neither is the chief of detectives or the Bureau chief. One doesn’t realize she was once under his command, and neither of them have any clue that she’s slept with them both. It doesn’t matter anyway. The only thing she needs to do is smile and look pretty. Then when the night is over, she can escape to the solace of her apartment and forget that any of this ever happened. 

*  
It turns out that Aidan has been invited to the annual NYPD appreciation ball as their honored guest and receives an award for his new Cop Kid foundation, a foundation that gives scholarships to the children of the NYPD and kids who wish to one day offer their talents and expertise to the NYPD. He also receives another for his Rape Victim Support foundation, which aims to provide for any of the needs of rape victims. She’s proud of him and she wishes that she could share that with him, but he has barely looked at her all night. When it comes time to dance, his movements are stiff, perfunctory. Normally, he would hold her close to him and, despite her best efforts, she would relax and fall into his warmth. She always felt safe in his arms, but tonight she feels hurt an alone. 

She spends the rest of the night making small talk with the wives of the Mayor, Commissioner, Bureau Chief, and the Chief of Detectives, and as awkward as it’s been sitting at a table with men from different parts of her life that she’d rather forget, it’s better than being out in the open with the others.

“Alyssa!” Aidan says, and it’s more insistent than usual. He must have been calling her for awhile.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Can you get me a drink?”

She wants to say no. She can’t be out there all alone. “Sure. Scotch right?”

“McKellan. Neat. Anything for you guys?” Aidan asks.

“No, I think I’ve had my fill for the night.”

The rest seem to agree. “Alright, just the scotch for me,” he tells her and he notices her hesitancy. Sees that something is off. “You ok?” he asks.

She wants to tell him. Really she does, but she can’t. Not in front everyone. “Umm.”

“Never mind. Just go get my Scotch,” he says and waves her off. 

She sighs and she can faintly hear their conversation as she walks away.

“Trouble with the misses?” One of them asks.

“Yeah, something like that,” he answers.

She takes her time as she walks across the dance floor and she knows he’s watching her. She’s felt his eyes on her all night, and she knows he’s been waiting for the perfect moment to strike. She hopes that she can complete her task quickly before he has the chance. She wishes she could see him. She wishes she knew exactly where he was so that she knows exactly where to avoid. But he’s hidden amongst a sea of black and white. She makes it to the bar and orders the drink without any problems, then turns to head back to the table. She feels like a wounded swimmer in open water desperately trying to make her way to shore while a great white lurks near by. She’s on her way back and their table is just a few feet away. But…

She never makes it to shore.

She never reaches the table.

He steps in front of her and his eyes are dark and glazed over. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He seethes and she can smell the alcohol on his breath.

“Elliot,” she warns. “This is not the place.”

“You’re damn right this is not the place. What the fuck are you doing here!” his voice rises.

“Elliot, Keep. Your. Voice. DOWN!” She looks around and tries to smile. Tries to pretend that they aren’t having a heated discussion.

“All of Manhattan is open and you bring him here? To this? In front of everyone? Are you trying to embarrass me?”

“He brought ME here. HE was the one getting the award. Not me.” 

“Don’t fucking give me that bullshit excuse. You whore yourself all around town, spreading your legs for the highest bidder and then you come here to do the same so you can embarrass me in front of my colleagues as some kind of sick retribution?”

“You’re embarrassing yourself!” she whispers harshly.

“No, you being here is an embarrassment. Having been married to you is an embarrassment. I don’t even understand why you’re here. Why you would think its ok to come here. You’re not a cop anymore remember? You’re a whore. What? Slow week or something? No one wanted you so you came here looking for some blue blood?”

“Elliot,” she warns.

“These are the people that I work with. People who know who you are, people who your daughter associates with. Wait until I bring this to the judge. You’ll never see her again!”

“Elliot, you’re drunk. No one here knows-”

“The hell they don’t!” he yells, gaining the attention of some more of the people around them, and now they have an audience.

“Elliot, let’s go outside and get some fresh air,” Casey tries. 

Where did she come from?

“Fuck no!” he tells her loudly and shrugs off her grasp. “Everyone knows Olivia. They know you’re a whore.”

“Elliot!” Cragen commands in that voice that used to make them all jump. Munch and Fin grab his arms and attempt to drag him outside, but Elliot is strong and stubborn, and fights them off.

“She’s not worth it,” Fin says as he fights back and does what he can to pull him away from her. 

“That you fuck people for money, because you’re so fucking worthless that you can’t do anything better for yourself. That you’re a sorry excuse for a mother. Some role model. A slut for a mother. A prostitute that sells herself on the street for anybody with a spare dime in their pocket.”

“Excuse me, what did you just say to her?” Aidan asks as he steps between her and Elliot, and she’s thankful for the reprieve.

“How much did you pay for her, Mr. Money bags? I hope it wasn’t too much. At this point she’s not even worth the pennies in my pocket. All of Manhattan’s had a chance to ride her!”

“Elliot!” Casey exclaims. “Stop it!!”

“Is this how you treat your honored guests?” Aidan asks the commissioner.

“Mr. Malone…” The commissioner tries.

Aidan shoves his awards back at him. “Keep them. If this is what New York’s finest really are like, then I don’t want any part in helping to create any more of them.”

He grabs a dumbfounded Olivia and pulls her along as they exit the building. He calls his driver along the way and by the time they step outside the building, the limo is waiting for them. They both climb into the back and are quickly on their way.

“What was that in there?” he asks. She tries to tell him. Really, she does. She opens her mouth to tell him, but there is so much emotion in her throat that the words just won’t come out. “Right,” he shakes his head. “I should have figured before that you wouldn’t tell me. I’ll just tell the driver to find somewhere to drop you off.” His phone rings and suddenly she is no longer of his concern. He says something in Chinese or Japanese or something and he quickly hangs up the call and dials another number. “Yeah, Jasmine, what’s happening with the Tokyo deal? I just got a call from Japan…yeah…well, are you sure?...Ok. Alright, I think I have a copy at my place. I’ll just fax it over.” He turns his attention back to her. “I need to handle some business, you think you can hail a cab from my place?”

She nods. 

The rest of the ride is held in silence.

*

They pull up to the building that houses his penthouse apartment. Once they exit the limo, he sends the driver off for the night and turns to her. 

“You have enough money for a cab from here?” he asks.

She nods, still shaken from the events of the night, Elliot’s words still ringing in her ears.

He sighs. “Alright. See you around.”

The doorman to his building pulls the door open for him and he pauses just short of stepping through. She stands, unmoving, huddled to herself as she tries to keep warm on a cold night, and he feels sorry for her and his feelings for her won’t allow him to leave her out in the cold.

“Wanna come up and call a cab from there? Warm up a bit?” he asks.

She nods and follows him into the building. They ride the elevator up in silence. She has nothing to say, and seems to have entered into a state of numb. She follows him into his apartment and takes time to admire his place. It screams bachelor. It’s all black and white, complete with leather couches and all. She can tell he used a decorator, because there are just some things a guy would never think of to place in his apartment. It’s nice though, and so eerily him.

“There’s a phone in the kitchen and another in the living room. Feel free to help yourself, or you can just use your cell phone. Whatever works for you.”

He disappears around the corner and she takes a moment to explore more of his home. Digital photo frames alternate photos of him and his friends from college. A few of him with different celebrities and a couple others of him and his sister. She knows this because he’s told her all about them. He’s told her so much about his life and she has made it a point to tell him so little about hers. He has a large plasma TV hanging on his wall and a full entertainment center complete with sound system, video games, blue ray player, and TiVo. She can see him here relaxing with a beer after a long day of work. She makes her way to the kitchen and admires his granite counter tops. She picks up his cordless phone and begins to dial a cab number she knows by heart when something catches her eye. The only thing on his fridge is a taped up photo of them from a photo booth. She remembers him dragging her into one the last time they went to the movies. The first is of them posing for the camera, all smiles. The second is of them making funny faces. The third is of them laughing and smiling and happy, but while she laughs into the camera his eyes are trained on her, and his smile is genuine. The photo has captured more than just their image. In his eyes are his feelings and she can see that there is something real. The last is of them kissing and it’s the sloppy, haphazardly drawn heart around the two of them that tugs at her heart strings and makes her face her fears. 

She places the phone back in its holder and goes to find him where he is. He doesn’t see her when he exits his home office and bumps into her. He pulls some quick maneuvers to keep them both from falling over and it puts her in his arms. She leans up quickly and captures his lips in a surprise kiss. She takes advantage of the fact that she has caught him off guard and slips her tongue into his mouth. He pulls her tight against him, and she is glad to be back in his arms like this. But then he stops and pulls away from her.

“No. No. You can’t just kiss me and make this all better. Sex isn’t going to fix this! It doesn’t work that way, Alyssa!” He turns and paces away from her. “God!” he yells and drags his fingers through his hair.

“It’s Olivia,” she says and she hopes that he gets it. That he understands that she is trying.

Moment of honesty... 

“Do you understand that I have feelings for you?!” he rants, pacing away from her. “Real feelings and you-Wait…What?” He turns and looks at her quizzically.

“My name…”she says hesitantly.

Someone's gotta take the lead tonight. Whose it gonna be?...

She’s nervous, but he’s worth it she tells herself.

He’s worth it.

If you have something to say, you should say it right now…

“My name is Olivia. Olivia Benson.”

He gets it. He understands, and the utterance of such a simple truth lands her back in his arms. His lips descend on hers with heated passion and her tongue touches his once it enters her mouth. He maneuvers her backwards towards his bedroom and she stumbles when her Jimmy Choo snags in his carpet. He lifts her and she wastes no time securing her legs around his waist and holding him close to her. He carries her to his bedroom and she slides her legs down his body slowly when he stops in front of his bed. His lips move down one side of her neck and back up the other side. His hands seem to be everywhere. Touching, feeling, caressing, groping, and she revels in the feeling of having his warm, calloused fingers all over her body. 

“I’ve been dying to get this dress off you all night.” He mumbles a few seconds before he’s undone the clasp around her neck holding her dress together. 

If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?...

The thin material falls, pooling around her feet, and he holds her hand while she steps out of it. She returns to his body and it is now her turn to touch him and lay kisses on his body. She starts on his shirt, but he beats her to the punch when he simply rips it open, his buttons flying everywhere. She runs her hands down his sculpted chest and she lays gentle butterfly kisses on the soft skin of his pecs, while her hands make quick work of his slacks. When they fall to his feet, he kicks them off easily, then toes off his shoes and socks. He pulls her naked chest flush against his and this time when their lips meet their kiss is sweeter, more gentle, but just as passionate. He grips her bottom in both hands and grinds his growing erection into her pelvis. He lays her down onto the bed and follows her down, his lips never leaving hers. His strong arms wrap around her body and he pulls her to the top of the bed, and allows her head to rest on a silk covered pillow. She spreads her legs and allows him to fall into the cradle of her body. She kicks off her Jimmy Choos and wraps her legs around his waist. His hips grind against hers as he continues to make love to her mouth and his hand gently massages her breast. He moves down her body, leaving a trail of wet kisses in his wake. He licks her breasts, and she uses a gentle hand to coax him to move his kisses elsewhere. He kisses the plane between her breasts and continues downward over her stomach, stopping to delve his tongue into her navel before continuing on his way. He pulls back and smiles as he hooks his fingers into her black-laced panties. He pulls them down and tosses them somewhere amongst the rest of their discarded clothing. He returns to her, parts, and then tastes her for the very first time. His tongue dips into her center and circles around her clit. She raises up on her hunches and watches him as he goes to work on her. She massages her breasts and cries out when he adds a finger, she nearly comes undone when he adds a second to the mix. She writhes on the bed and he uses a hand to keep her in place as he uses both his fingers and his tongue to bring her to the edge and she revels in the attention, because its been so long since a man has touched her like this. So, so long since a man has tried to make her feel good in this way. 

You give me a feeling that I never felt before…

She comes for him and he continues to lick her, sapping up all her juices. When her body seems to calm again he steps away from her and finally removes his boxer briefs. He lowers them slowly, watching her face the entire time and she takes this moment to admire his body. He’s the perfect picture of a Greek Adonis, toned and muscular in all the right places. She expected him to be. He’s very much into sports and works out regularly. His chest is bare, waxed for swimming. His boxer briefs finally hit the floor, leaving him fully exposed. She gets a good look at his engorged penis and smirks to herself. 

Figures.

“What’s that smirk about?” he asks with a smirk of his own.

“Nothing. Just liking what I see,” she answers.

And I deserve it, I know I deserve it…

She locks her eyes with his and watches them darken as she slides her hand down her body and touches herself. She knows from experience how much this can turn men on, and it works like a charm. He’s grown harder. She pulls her slick fingers from her heat and raises them to her lips, but he’s quick and captures her hand. He sucks her residue from her fingertips and lays back on top of her, covering her naked body with his own. His lips touch her, and this time when he opens his mouth to her she can taste herself on him. The heat, the need, the desperation quickly rises in both of them once again, and this time when he parts from her, he leaves her breathless. She waits patiently as he reaches into the drawer of his bedside table and pulls out a condom. His teeth rip at the gold foil and he quickly fits himself with it before returning to her. Once again his kiss is sweet, kind, and gentle. He takes her breath away when he finally enters her, and she winces inwardly the further he pushes inside. 

He rests his forehead against hers and gives her a moment. “Shit,” he whispers into the dark night.

She tenses. 

“What? Is something wrong?” she asks.

If you ask me I'm ready…

He shakes his head in what she later determines to be disbelief. “You were made for me.”

She smiles and kisses him soundly on the lips. He pushes further and she takes several deep breaths as she wills her body to yield to his. She caresses his jaw and draws him in for another kiss and he takes it as a sign that it is time to move. His body presses deep into hers and she enjoys it. She enjoys the feeling of having the weight of him on top of her, of feeling him move within her. It’s a part of life that she has denied herself for so long. Instead she’s allowed others to enjoy her, to use her, to penetrate her for their own satisfaction, but tonight she takes it back. She enjoys him, and allows him to make love to her, to make her feel good.

She enjoys the pleasure he gives her.

His movements are fluid and precise. He knows exactly where to touch her. Exactly how far to push and for how long before changing it up and hitting a new spot altogether. He knows exactly how fast to move and when. He creates a rhythm for himself and she catches on quickly, and arches her hips to meet his. He arches one of her legs above his hip and pushes deeper, and once again he takes her breath away. She pushes at his shoulders until he rolls over and she’s on top and she takes advantage of this opportunity and works out her frustrations on him. She rocks her hips rhythmically over him and he gives back to her as good as he gets. His hands grip her waist as he arches into her. He sits up and immediately his kisses are on her neck. He hooks his hands under her arms and impales his body into hers. Her moans and cries of pleasure fill the room, chasing away the silence as his grunts and groans join them. She grips him back in the same manner that he holds her and she feels the base of his penis brush over clitoris over and over and over again until she’s coming once again then suddenly she’s back on her back and he continues to fill her. He continues to push within her and make her feel good. His headboard knocks against the wall as his thrusts become more insistent, more powerful. Her nails rake down his back and she holds her body close to him until finally she lets go. She lets go of it all as he sends her soaring. This time he comes with her, groaning loudly into her ear. 

He tucks his face into her neck and rests against her chest. They lay together unmoving as they wait for their breath to return to them, when suddenly it all comes back to her, weighing on her, burdening her. The years of abuse suffered as a child, the hardest cases of the job, the shooting, the divorce, the loss of her own child, the years of working the streets, the men. So many men. Tonight. Tears fill her eyes as the years of sadness and heartache overwhelm her and threaten to end her. She tries to swipe them away, but the more she swipes the faster they come until finally she gives up, and lets the tears come. She covers her face as great sobs rack her body and he holds her. She realizes that she is crying in his arms after they’ve just had sex and tries to move. Tries to push him away.

“No,” he says as he fights back against her.

“Aidan, please,” she begs.

“Olivia, I’m here. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, but you have to stop fighting me. You can’t keep running away from this. You gotta let someone in. Let me in.” 

“I can’t,” she wails.

“Yes, you can, Olivia. Talk to me. Let me in. I’m here. I’m here for you, and no matter how much you push me. How much you fight me I’m not going anywhere. Just talk to me.”

She stares into eyes that are so sincere and so full of concern for her that she relents. She gives up the ghost that is her past and finally decides to talk.


	7. Her Story

Chapter 7-Her Story

 

All of these lines across my face. Tell you the story of who I am…

“My mother…” she begins, “my mother was raped. She was raped and then she had me. Growing up I never knew. I never understood why she hated me. Why she would look at me with disgust, or randomly feel the need to beat the crap out of me. When I was old enough she told me. And after four years of confusion and self searching I decided to become a cop.”

“No.”

“Yes. You’re looking at former First Grade Detective Olivia Benson.”

“Wow.” She watches the confusion dawn over his eyes. “So, what happened? How did you end up… here?”

So many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am…

“Elliot. When I finally made Detective, I decided to join the Special Victims Unit. I wanted to help women like my mother. Help keep them from becoming my mother by atoning for the sins of my father. I also wanted to find my father. He was never caught and I think the fear that he was always out there resonated with her. I wanted to do that for her, to apologize for causing her so much pain. For being a constant reminder of that night. When I joined SVU, Elliot was my partner.” She smiles. “He was my best friend. For twelve years we went through hell and high water. I had his back and he had mine. We had a couple of rough patches here and there, but in the end he was always there for me, and I for him. In the fifteenth year he divorced his wife. Not too long after we started seeing each other. We were married within a year. And about nine months later we had a baby girl.”

“Wait, you’re a Mommy?” he questions and smiles genuinely at her.

“Yea. I have a little girl named Kyle, and a son named Shawn. It’s why I couldn’t tell you where I lived. I just couldn’t risk putting them in danger.” He nods in understanding. “After Kyle was born, things were great. I was home with her for about three months and then I decided it was time for me to go back to work. It was rough at first. Being away from her, and it started to put a strain on our relationship. Elliot had switched units when we started seeing each other. Because of department policy we couldn’t work in the same unit, so he went over to missing persons. Got better hours. In SVU I didn’t have that luxury. He wanted me to switch units and be home more. But I couldn’t leave. I wasn’t ready. SVU was a part of me. It was where I belonged. He understood that, so he stopped pushing for me to transfer out. But every time I came a bit too close to losing my life, or had a case that required me to work for days at a time, it strained our relationship a little bit more, until finally he had enough. I was working this case for about three days straight. Our Captain sent us home to get some sleep and freshen up, and I wanted to see Kyle. Elliot was mad. He understood the job, but he wasn’t a fan of me not being there for our family. I had missed both Christmas and Thanksgiving the year before and this case was the icing on top of the cake. We got into a big fight and he told me to choose. Our family or my job. I choose our family. It was a no brainer. I called into my Captain and told him that I was no longer on the case and would be taking a leave of absence until another unit had a place for me. I spent my days with Kyle. She had grown and changed so much,” she says wistfully. “She was talking a lot more. Her steps were more stable and her balance was better. She knew how to communicate what she wanted. Loved to say no.” Her eyes mist over at the thought of her baby. The last few memories she has of her at that stage in life. “She was about eighteen months then. And it was summer and very hot that day. I had some small errands to run. I had her with me. I had just stepped out of the bank and was walking down the sidewalk. Everything was going fine until we passed the ice cream vendor. Kyle saw it and wanted ice cream. See she loved ice cream. Still does. She started crying and throwing a fit. I tried to stop and calm her down because she was making a scene, but she has her father’s temper, and my stubbornness so she wasn’t having any of it. I stopped and bought her the ice cream, which proceeded to melt and make a mess. There were too many people on the sidewalk, so I ducked into an alley to try and clean her up. I was wiping her face when I heard something. I looked up and there he was. The guy I had been trying to track on my last case, and he still had the little girl we had been searching for. There she was out in the open. Right under my nose. It was clear she had been abused. She didn’t scream. Didn’t try to run. It was like she was soulless. There she was in a crowd of people. The perfect chance to escape. And nothing. She was dead inside. He had a gun trained on us. I’d never been so scared in my life. He said he saw me when Kyle started crying. Recognized me from the news. He asked if there were any more cops on the way. I told him no. Begged him to let us go. Tried to convince him it was just a coincidence that we were both in the same place at the same time. He didn’t believe me at first, but after some coaxing he did, but then he said he couldn’t just let me go. Because then I would call somebody and he wouldn’t have a chance of getting away. I told him I wouldn’t call anybody. He didn’t believe me. He asked me for Kyle,” she whispers. Tears well up in her eyes and she fights past the emotion in her throat to continue talking. To continue telling him her story. “You have to know,” she cries. “You have to know that I tried to protect her.”

“I know,” Aidan nods and there are tears in his eyes. “I know.” 

“I begged him to let me give him something else. Anything else. To take me instead. I mean, I couldn’t just give him my baby. I knew what he did to children. I couldn’t let him do that to my daughter. He said that he needed some insurance that I wouldn’t call the cops. That he wouldn’t hurt her and once he was safe he would leave her somewhere I could find her. But she was my baby. I couldn’t. I couldn’t give him my baby. I saw what he did to those little girls. How he brutalized and terrorized them. How he left their bodies completely exposed and mutilated. I couldn’t just allow him to do that to my baby. I said no. He pointed the gun at her, and told me to either hand her over or to watch her die. That he would be able to get away in the commotion. I told him no. That he couldn’t have her. He said fine. And he pointed the gun at her. I covered her with my body. I tried to protect her,” he voice cracks. “He pulled the trigger, and the bullet went through me,” she takes his hand and directs his finger to the scar on her left breast, “and into her. The gunshot sent the crowd into chaos. He tried to take her, but then he realized she’d been shot and left her. I passed out after that.” She’s silent for several long minutes as she tries to compose herself. Tries to work up the courage to tell him the hardest parts of her story. “I woke up in the hospital. Alone. I waited. For hours I waited, because I knew Elliot was there. I thought that he would want to see me. That he would be waiting by my bedside. A nurse came in and when I asked her for him she told me that he was with Kyle. That’s when I remembered she was with me. I asked her to take me to go see her. When I got there, that’s when I saw everybody. My captain. My partner. My friends. Colleagues. My so-called best friend. All of them were there. When Elliot saw me, he was livid. He screamed at me, much like he did tonight.”

“Wait, that was him? That was Elliot?”

“Yup. That was him. Somehow the story came out that I went chasing after the suspect with Kyle in tow. That we both got shot in the process and he got away.”

“How? There were people there. No one saw what happened?”

“One thing I learned in that job is every witness has a different story. You can put fifteen people in one room and show them the same exact play and you will have fifteen different versions. Plus, they heard I had a gun. When they hear things like that, they concoct stories in their head that they honestly believe are true.”

“But where do they think you got the gun from?”

“There was one in my purse. Standard issue 9mm. They thought I was a rogue cop hell bent on nabbing one more perp. Truth is, I was going to turn it in. I was going to take a sabbatical and focus on my marriage and raising Kyle. I needed to turn my gun in for that since I was going to be out for an indefinite amount of time. I wasn’t going to let the job cost me my family. Turns out it took it anyway.”

“So why didn’t you tell them this. Why didn’t you explain?”

“The evidence already convicted me.” 

“But the evidence was wrong.”

“I know.” 

“But your story. Your story would have made them look. Made them reevaluate.”

“No one believed me. The evidence…it was wrong but no one believed me. So I just gave up.”

“What? Olivia! How-how why?”

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules, but baby I broke them all for you…

“Because after awhile I didn’t care what they thought. The only person I wanted to believe me. The only person I wanted to know the story, who I cared knew the truth was Elliot. And he wanted nothing to do with me. He wouldn’t let me see my daughter. He filed for divorce. The scandal was all over the papers. The force let me go. Elliot sued me for custody. When we went to court he used it to his advantage, along with every mistake I ever made, to take her from me. My genetics. The fact that I was abused growing up and that statistics showed I was likely to abuse Kyle as well. Not to mention my mother’s addiction, which I also had a genetically predisposition to have has well. I wasn’t expecting that. The lawyer I had was a novice. Neither of us were expecting all of that. By the time I changed counsel, it was too late. The judge had already made up her mind and I lost my daughter. Because Elliot got custody, he got pretty much everything in the divorce. The house. The car. Most of our joint account. I was pretty much left with nothing. I spent my days living in some ratty motel that I could barely afford, wallowing in my own depression. On her second birthday I went to see her. He wouldn’t let me anywhere near her. That’s when I found out he was dating my best friend. Well, who I thought was my best friend. I left the teddy bear I bought for her on the porch and that night I took my first hit of cocaine. I knew from my days as a cop where to find drugs. I was hoping for some oxycodone. I got something better. The drugs made me feel good. As long as I was high I was fine, so I aimed to be high all the time. I blew through what little money had left buying drugs. And when I had nothing left, I started selling myself. I knew of a Madame that had high end clientele. She knew me from the papers. Figured she would make a pretty penny off of me. So she hired me. The first guy. He was the worst. Tall. Skinny. Lanky. He smelled. He was rough. Liked to hit. But he paid for my next fix. After that I got used to the demands of the job. Made my own rules. Lucia didn’t like my rules so she let me go. So I started working some of the corners. The regulars didn’t like that I was on their turf, but once they saw that I could handle myself and that I wasn’t going to back down they accepted me. Then I met Xavier. He tried to convince me to become one of his girls. But after Lucia, I realized I didn’t want someone who was just going to take all of my money. But then he caught me on a particularly rough night. It was slow and I was starting to go into withdrawal. Not to mention, it was cold. So…cold. He promised to put me in a nice apartment. Made sure I looked good. And most important, all the drugs I could ever want. He told me he had to “sample the goods” first. He was particularly rough. I remember… I bled that night. And when I looked…there was some tearing when he was done. I could barely walk out of the hotel room when he was finished with me. He apologized. Told me he had to know if I could take a good fucking and got a little carried away. He kept his promise, though. I fucked whoever he lined up for me and he made sure I was comfortable. Switched me to heroine. Made sure I had clean needles. On her fourth birthday, I went to see her again. But they weren’t home. I guess they went out off town or something. Or knowing Elliot, he knew I would come so he made sure he was elsewhere. It was that day that I realized that I no longer knew what she looked like. So I OD’d, trying to see her. Because I could see her when I was high. When I was high, she was my baby again and she was in my arms and I could hold her, feel her, smell her. When I woke up, I was in the hospital again. Except this time Elliot was there. We didn’t talk much and I left as soon as Xavier showed up. Elliot kidnapped me a few days later. Tried to make me sober up so I could get into rehab. I wasn’t having any of it. My plan was to be dead by the end of the year. If I couldn’t have her, then I didn’t want to live a life that didn’t have her in it anymore. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I found my reason to live again. I left Xavier and checked myself into the best rehab I could find. One that would ensure my baby’s safety. I’d saved up quite a bit since I wasn’t really spending my cut of what Xavier had been giving me. I quit cold turkey, except whatever the doctors gave me in rehab to ease my transition and help with the withdrawal. Fat load of good that did, but it was worth it. I didn’t want to hurt my baby so I made sure I wouldn’t have the chance. After rehab I started putting my life back together and set out to get my daughter back. After I had Shawn, I started working for the agency and eventually got visitation rights to see my daughter. Then I met you. The rest’s history.”

He stares at her and doesn’t say a word. Clearly in awe by her story. When minutes pass and he still doesn’t say anything, she takes it as her cue. What she has been afraid of all along has finally come to pass. He now knows about the real her and wants nothing to do with her, but is in such a state of shock that he does not know what to say to her. She tries to move from beneath him, but he holds her firmly in place.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I just told you a lot of stuff and I understand if…”

“If what?”

“If you don’t want me anymore. If it’s too much for you.”

“I need to say something. And I need you to really understand this.”

She looks up at him with sad eyes. She already knows what’s coming.

“I don’t want you to ever think that you’re worthless. That your life means nothing. That you mean nothing, because you mean something to me. I want you to promise me that you won’t ever sell your body like that or think of ending your life like that. Life is a gift. Your life is a gift.” She nods. “Promise me.” She nods. “Promise me.” 

“I promise.”

“Good. Now things are going to get better from here on,” he says and smiles at her.

“Yeah?” she laughs and cries at the same time. 

“Yeah.”

“How so?”

But these stories don't mean anything, when you've got no one to tell them to…

“I’m going to make it better. And I’m going to start by kissing away every tear,” and he punctuates his words by kissing the tears off her face. “Every bruise and every scar. Starting with this one,” and he kisses the place where the bullet once singed her skin and left a hole in her chest that still has yet to close. He continues trailing his kisses down her body. He kisses her from head to tippy toe. From her collar bone to her finger tips. From hipbone to toe and everything in between, And when he’s hard and sheathed in a new condom he presses back inside her and makes love to her until her pain goes away.

It's true...I was made for you…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Credits: Brandi Carlisle


	8. The Morning After

Chapter 8-The Morning After

The next morning the sun peaks through his dark curtains awaking her from a peaceful slumber. She stretches against the dark silk of his sheets loving the feel of them against her bare skin. She takes in the unfamiliar surroundings of his bedroom. It’s simple. Dark. Masculine. Him. Speaking of which… His side of the bed is empty, but a wonderful aroma fills the air and she smiles. She slips out of bed and searches amongst their discarded clothes for hers, but the only thing she can find is her underwear. She slips the thong back on and opts for his crisp white shirt from the night before. She heads into the bathroom and takes care of business before heading to the kitchen, stopping by his nightstand along the way.

The kitchen is a mess. Ingredients are strewn across the counter, but he seems to be maneuvering through the kitchen with little effort. She steps in behind him and slides her hands over his bare chest. “Something smells good,” she whispers into his ear and kisses his neck. 

“Hey, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed!”

“Sorry, but I have to go. Got any idea where my dress is?”

“You mean the $4000 dress you threw on the floor?”

“I didn’t hear you complaining about it being on the floor last night.”

“Touché. But I sent it out to be dry-cleaned. It should be back within the hour.”

“Thanks. How do you know how much my dress cost?”

“I saw it in a store and was going to buy it for you. But…shit happened.”

She visibly softens. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m just glad you’re here now,” he smiles at her and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before cupping her face and kissing her.

She hums into his kiss. “Me too. So what did you make me? I’m starving.”

“After last night you should be.” She shoves him playfully and he lifts her onto the island counter top and brings over a plate he’s already assembled. “Belgian waffles,” he points out. “Fresh fruit. Scrambled eggs, and of course bacon.”

“He’s good in bed and can cook. I’m liking this arrangement already,” she says as she snags a piece of bacon off the plate.

“And you haven’t even tasted it yet. You like powdered sugar or syrup?” he asks.

“Both.”

He adds the preferred condiments then returns to her. She watches as he cuts up the waffle and offers her a bite. She takes it off the fork and hums in appreciation. “You know, you would have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you led with that.”

“So that’s it. The key to Olivia Benson’s heart is Belgian waffles. Who knew?”

“Shut up and feed me.”

He comes to stand between her legs and holds the plate between them. “You really must have worked up quite an appetite last night.”

“You could say that,” she grins.

“Here, try these strawberries. They’re amazing.”

He holds one dipped in syrup up to her lips and she takes a bite leaving a drop of syrup on her lower lip. She flicks her tongue out to wipe it off, but his is faster. He drags her lower lip into his mouth and removes all traces of the syrup. Then he moves his attention to the rest of her mouth. Breakfast is forgotten as their mouths trade heated passionate kisses. He pulls her to the edge of the counter until she can feel his erection pressed against her center. 

He pulls away briefly and looks at her kissed swollen lips. “Tell me,” he pants. “Why does my toothpaste taste so much better in your mouth than it does in mine?”

“I think I just taste better in general. I borrowed your toothbrush. I hope you don’t mind.”

He grins at her. “I don’t mind anything that has to do with your mouth,” he tells her before kissing her once again.

“Really?” She asks as her kisses move done his neck.

“Yessss,” he hisses. 

“Well my mouth was hoping to taste more than just your cooking this morning.”

“Is that so?”

“Uh huh,” she answers and grins mischievously up at him.

He whispers his question against her lips. “And what exactly where you hoping to taste?” 

“You,” she replies and shoves him back into the other counter top. 

She hops down and steps slowly up to him, her eyes never leaving his. He smiles when she kisses his chest then takes her time licking and kissing her way down his body. She kneels in front of him and tugs lightly on his pajama bottoms. They fall easily and pool around his ankles revealing his glorious erection. She takes her time kissing her way back up his legs, watching him grow harder in anticipation. His body is nearly humming when she takes his long shaft in her hand and kisses him from tip to base. She licks her way back to his tip and holds his gaze when she finally slides him into her mouth. She takes him in as far as she can manage before sliding back and repeating the process. Her mouth and hand work in counter point while he mumbles a string of curses and fists his hand in her hair. Suddenly he’s tugging her up by the shirt and his mouth is hot and heavy on hers. He yanks the shirt open sending buttons flying onto the kitchen floor. He tugs on her thong and it gives way with little effort, but pauses when something falls to the floor. He retrieves it and she smiles like she’s done something right and takes the condom from him. He watches her as she easily tears away the gold foil then she’s back on her knees in front of him. Her eyes hold his as she uses her mouth to slide it onto him. Then uses her hands to adjust it into place. She stands and grins smugly back at him. 

“You’re going to be the death of me.”

He lifts her onto the counter and seconds later he’s inside of her. He pulls her hard against him as he pushes deep inside her while their mouths trade hot hungry kisses. Needing more he lifts her easily and shuffles them to a wall in the hallway. He hooks his arm underneath one of her legs and opens her further. Her moans and screams of ecstasy resonate throughout the apartment as she takes gratification at the deeper penetration. He moves faster, thrusting harder as her nails rake down his back. It’s not long before they come together and he holds her, pinned against the wall. There’s a knock on the door and he groans inwardly.

“That’s my dress…” she sighs, but makes no effort to move.

He looks at her seriously. “Stay here with me. Don’t ever fucking go. We can just fuck and eat waffles all day.” 

She caresses his face gently and admires the blue of his eyes. “I wish I could, but I have someone to get home to…”

“Right. Sorry, I forgot about him.”

“It’s ok. He’s not your responsibility.”

“Yea but still.”

The knock sounds again. “Coming!” he calls back and quickly pulls his pajama bottoms back up.

“Well you were,” she teases. 

He smacks her lightly on the ass and then hurries to answer the door.

*

Olivia steps out into the crisp October morning and walks towards the waiting driver holding the door open for her. 

“Olivia?”

She looks up and is surprised to see Elliot walking towards her. He grabs her forcefully. “What are you doing here?!”

“Ow! Let me go!” she shrugs off his grasp.

“Hey you can’t grab her like that,” the driver intervenes. “You leave her alone or I’m calling the cops.”

He flashes his badge at the driver. “I am the cops so if you want to stay out of jail I’d suggest you back off.” The driver stands back, hands up in surrender. He turns his attention back to Olivia. “Why are you here?”

“Why do you care?” she spits back.

“You sleep with him?”

“Did I sleep with who?”

“Don’t play games with me Olivia. I’m not in the mood.”

“I don’t have to answer to you, now if you’d excuse me.” She tries to move past him, but he blocks her path. “Get out of my way,” she seeths.

“Make me,” he growls back. 

“Hey step away from her!” Aidan runs towards them san shirt and shoes. He forcibly wedges himself between them. “You should go. Now.”

“I don’t have to go anywhere. You sleep with her?”

“Aidan don’t say anything to him,” Olivia interjects.

“Yea, What’s it to you?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Elliot grins and pulls out his handcuffs. “Aidan Malone you’re under arrest for soliciting a prostitute.” 

“What?”

Elliot grabs his arm and yanks it behind his back. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.”

“Elliot you can’t do this!”

“You’re under arrest too,” he grins. “And once the judge hears about this, you can kiss your visitation rights goodbye.”

*

Elliot leads them into the squad room and hands Olivia off to one of the unis with a “Put her in an empty interrogation room.” Meanwhile he leads Aidan to a holding cell. 

“I want to call my lawyer.”

“You can wait,” Elliot admonishes.

“If you’d like to keep what’s left of your job, I suggest you let me call now.”

“Please. I’ve dealt with your type before.”

“This is personal. So, no, you haven’t.”

Elliot grins. “Have fun with your cell mates. Pretty Boy.”

*

Olivia sits and jiggles her leg agitatedly. Her arms are crossed over her chest in an effort to keep them from flinging the crappy furniture across the room. She doesn’t look up when the door opens and closes, but suddenly there’s a cup of coffee sitting in front of her. 

“My partner made it, so its not great, but it’s what we got.”

“I don’t want it.”

“C’mon Liv, it ain’t that bad.”

She takes the cup and throws it against the wall. 

“Alright. Is there anything else I can get you?” She doesn’t answer so he tries again. “How’ve you been?”

She finally looks up to meet Fin’s eyes. “Are you kidding me? We’re supposed just sit here. Drink coffee, and shoot the breeze like nothing happened? Are you fucking kidding me???”

“Liv. A lot of shit went down.”

“You were supposed to me my partner. My partner. You were supposed to have my back, but when I needed you the most you were nowhere to be found.”

“Olivia what you did-”

“What I did? What I did?!?! You have no idea what went down in that alley.”

“The evidence…”

“The evidence was wrong.”

“Olivia-”

“You know if it was you in my shoes I wouldn’t have stopped digging until I proved you were innocent. Because that’s what a good partner does.” 

“Not when they know their partner’s guilty.”

“I have nothing left to say to you. Please go.”

Fin sighs then disappears through the door and it is not long before Elliot walks through it. He puts down a notepad in front of her along with a pen. “You can write your statement on that.”

“I’m not writing shit.”

“Well then I guess you’re not going anywhere.”

“You never officially booked me, so we booth know you only have twenty-four hours. More like twenty-three now.”

“Yea. Give or take a few hours.”

“You think he’s just going to sit there for twenty-four hours and let this go?”

Elliot laughs. “You think he’s going to risk his career. His reputation for you?”

“I know he will.”

Elliot sees the conviction in her eyes and it unnerves him because knows she is probably right. There was a point in his own life when he would have risked everything for her as well. He tries a different tactic. “You know if you cooperate, it’s going to look good to the judge. Especially when it comes to getting visitation rights to see Shawn.”

“You’ll get custody over my dead body.” 

“With this on your record along with the shooting it won’t be very hard. Especially when I get a DNA test to prove that he’s my son.”

She grins up at him. “And what are you going to do when it proves you aren’t his father.”

“You know-”

“He’s NOT. Yours. He looks nothing like you.” 

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t need a DNA test to prove he’s Kyle’s brother, and once you’re proven an unfit mother again you know the court will want to keep him with family…Now that ‘I think about it, you know Casey always wanted a son,” he grins and she lunges for him, but the handcuff keeping her linked to the table stops her. Elliot laughs. “That got to you.”

“Why are you doing this?!”

“You said you were done with all that. You said you were working as an escort and nothing more. That you would keep it away from Kyle. Then you show up to my work function with him on your arm?”

It dawns on her then. “You’re jealous. At first I thought that you were just mad that I finally moved on instead of wallowing over you for the rest of my life, but now I see that you’re actually jealous of him.”

“Please. You wish I would be so insecure. Do you know how many of my colleagues were there? How many know you? How many of them have invited my daughter to play dates and birthday parties? Then you walk in with your John on your arm so that you can embarrass me???”

“Elliot, incase you were too drunk to notice he was the one getting the awards. He brought me. I was his date. Not the other way around.” 

“Doesn’t matter. You should have left when you had the chance. Now write,” he nods towards the note pad. “Maybe it will help your case.” He opens the door and slams it closed behind him.

*

“So you see it is totally possible for you to make a legitimate business selling your own flowers. All-”

“Aidan?”

Aidan looks up to see his attorney. “Alistair, thank God. How’d you know I’m here?”

“Let’s just say a friend of a friend tipped me off that you were brought in this morning. Why didn’t you call me? And where are your clothes? And shoes?” he says looking his client over. Astonished by his state of undress. 

“They still haven’t given me my phone call.”

“I’ll have you out of here in a minute.” 

“Look don’t worry about me there’s a woman down the hall. Her name’s Olivia Benson. Get her out first.”

“I can get to her as soo-”

“No. Get to her now. I want to see her walk out of here within the next hour.”

“Aidan I can’t make that promise, I don’t even know what she’s been charged-”

“I pay a lot of money to have you on retainer and I hardly ever use your services for this type of thing. Alistair your firm likes my business correct? They like the millions I bring in in billable hours not to mention the business deals I allow you to represent me in for a forty percent cut right?” 

“Yes sir.”

“Well if you want to keep my business I suggest you find a way to have Olivia walking out of here within the next fifty-seven minutes or I will find somebody else that can.” 

“I’ll just need to make one phone call.”

*

Elliot stares at Olivia as she continues to avoid eye contact. The notepad and pen remain in the same spot he had placed them in nearly an hour ago. “Olivia how long are we going to do this?”

“Elliot do I look like an idiot to you? Do you think I forgot everything I know about the law just because I’m no longer a cop? You have nothing. What you’re trying to pin me for is a misdemeanor anyway. Not worth confessing to seeing how it would probably get thrown out in court anyway.”

“True, but it will still be a part of the record.”

She rolls her eyes and looks up when the door opens and a white haired older man enters the room. “Alistair Mathews of Mathews Holmes and Jordan. Here as defensive counsel for Ms. Benson.” 

“She didn’t call an attorney. Who sent you in here?”

“I did.” Elliot turns around at the familiar voice and swallows hard when his eyes confirm the owner of the voice he’s heard. “Lt. Stabler. I would like to have a word with you. Your office. Now!” Elliot fallows behind the man and once the door is firmly closed behind them Police Commissioner Morrison finally lays into him. “Would you like to explain to me why the recipient of our Honorary Man in Blue award is standing in your holding cell in nothing but his pajamas?! And why wasn’t he given a phone call?”

“Sir-”

“The spectacle you made of yourself last night wasn’t enough-”

“Sir-”

“You had to drag him out of his apartment without shoes-”

“I did not drag him anywhere he came out of his apartment building like that.”

“I don’t care how he came out of his apartment!!! Why is he in your holding cell and why is he claiming that he was denied his constitutional right to call his attorney?!”

“Sir-”

“Not. Another. Word. I sent you over there to apologize to him for your belligerent behavior last night. Behavior unfitting of a member of the New York Police Department let alone a Lieutenant.” 

“And I did, which is when I saw Ms. Benson exiting his apartment building. I began to question her and he came down a couple minutes later wearing what he is wearing now. He admitted to sleeping with her, a known female escort and prostitute, so I arrested him for solicitation.”

“Did you see money exchange hands?”

“No. But he paid her to attend the ball last night.”

“But do you have definitive proof that he paid her to have sexual relations with him?”

Elliot is silent.

“So for all you know their encounter was purely consensual.”

“Sir-”

“No. You’re going to go out there and offer your most sincerest apologies to both Ms. Benson and Mr. Malone. Then you’re going to come back in here and turn in your badge and glock. You’re hereby on unpaid leave until that apology is accepted.”

“Sir-”

“Then you can go home and further explain to your children, Richard and Elizabeth, why their scholarships are being revoked.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“They were among the first applicants. It’s sad too. They were great candidates.”

“Then why punish them? Please. Don’t make them suffer for my mistakes. I didn’t even know they applied.”

“The man who started the scholarship and personally put in the first million dollars is standing in your holding cell in nothing but a pair of silk pajama pants. Do you really think he’s going to fund your children’s education?” 

“There has to be something I can do.”

“I’m sorry. We’ve already sent an email and they should be receiving an official letter by the end of the week.”

“Please. Don’t punish them.”

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing more that I can do. Next time you want to get back at your ex-wife I suggest you don’t involve the NYPD.”

*

Olivia absent-mindedly rubs at the rash forming on her wrist. A reminder of that morning. After Elliot had disappeared with the commissioner he had come back with his tail between his legs and finally apologized. 

She hadn’t accepted. 

Aidan had bid her goodbye from behind iron bars still locked up in the holding cell and ordered his driver to take her home. She hopes he made it out ok. She would have waited around for his release, but she needed to get home to her son. Melody had left several frantic messages on her cell phone about not knowing where she was and running out of milk, which worked out in her favor because she had been full and desperately needed to nurse. Her little man had been more than happy to see her. Beside her he laughs and gurgles at the toys she waves in front of him, thoroughly enjoying the attention she is bestowing on him.

There’s a knock on her door and she looks up slightly confused. The doorman hadn’t called to let her know he was sending someone up. “I wonder who that is?” Shawn gives her a large gummy smile. She gets up and straps him into the bouncer before she heads over to the door, wondering who it might be, but having a good idea of who it was. She checks the peephole then opens the door and finds that her suspicions are in fact correct.

“Hey,” Aidan smiles showing pearly white teeth.

“Hey yourself…” 

“Sorry to just drop by unannounced but…” he takes in the confused look on her face and it dawns on him. “Shit. This is why you never wanted me to drive you home. You were afraid I might do this. I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I should just…” he turns to head down the hall, but then turns back. “I’ll call you and then we can try this again.” Once again he heads down the hall, but turns back seconds later. “Except I don’t have your number. Is it possible to-”

“How about you just come in?”

He smiles and takes her invitation. Once he is in he looks around her apartment. “Nice place.”

“Thank you. So how did you find what apartment I was in and get past the doorman?” 

“Oh he pulled you up on the computer and I read it off the screen when he got distracted with one of the other tenants that live here.”

She shakes her head. “What’s the point of having a doorman if anybody can get through.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to come and make sure you’re ok. And I didn’t have your number or anything…”

“It’s fine,” she waves him off.

“Well are you ok?”

“Yea, I’m fine. Other than this weird ring around my wrist,” she says looking at the angry red abrasion marring her smooth skin.

“Let me see,” he takes her hand and carefully examines it. “We should get some ice on that.”

He takes her hand and leads her to her kitchen where he lifts her onto the counter top then retrieves some ice from her freezer. He wraps it in some paper towel and then holds it to her wrist.

He blows gently on her chilled flesh and she admires how gentle he is. “I never knew you were a doctor.”

He grins. “I spent a good portion of my childhood in and out of hospitals. Picked up a few things here and there. Almost became a doctor, but then I remembered how much I hated being in hospitals and changed my mind.” He holds up her wrist and gets a better look at it in the light. “I’m so sorry,” he says guiltily. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“I know but…I should have known better. I should have protected you better. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

She tilts his chin up so his eyes will meet hers. “You didn’t do this, so stop blaming yourself.”

“I know, but still. God what an asshole. I mean I knew your ex-husband was an ass, but I never expected this.” 

“That’s just Elliot.”

“Why did you marry that guy?”

She looks down and smiles wistfully. “He wasn’t like this back then. Besides he’s not all bad. There’s some parts to him that are pretty great.” 

“He hides them very well.” Shawn lets out an unhappy wail from the living room. Aidan jumps. “What’s that?”

Olivia smiles. “There’s someone I want you to meet.” She slides off the counter and takes him by the hand before leading him into the living room and stopping in front of Shawn’s bouncer. “Shawn, this is Aidan. Aidan, this is Shawn. My son.” 

Aidan smiles and stoops down to Shawn’s level. “Hey little guy,” Aidan says and tickles his stomach. Shawn gives him a large smile and laughs in response. “He’s adorable, and look at those eyes.”

Olivia smiles watching the two of them interact. “Want to hold him?”

“Huh? Oh no. I might drop him or something. I don’t want to break him.”

“Nonsense. Take off your coat and have a seat. He’s a lot more durable than you think. Especially with Kyle for a sister.” 

Aidan removes his leather jacket and places it neatly on the armrest of her crème colored couch before taking a seat. Olivia unbuckles her baby then lifts him and places him in Aidan’s arms. Aidan holds him stiffly and looks to Olivia for guidance. “Like this?” 

“Yea just like that. Relax. You’re going to make him uncomfortable. Aidan’s muscles relax and he shifts the baby into a more comfortable position maneuvering him like an expert father. “See you’re a natural.” Aidan doesn’t respond, and only stares. Mesmerized by the tiny life he holds in his arms.

*

Olivia pulls the door to Shawn’s room closed and then heads out to the living room to tidy up a bit. Shawn’s toys are strew across the living room floor from their playtime earlier along with a couple bottles and burping cloths. She picks up the bottles and heads to the kitchen to wash and sterilize them when the phone rings. She answers it quickly for fear it may wake the baby.

“Hello?” she answers tapping down the instinctual “Benson” response that is still ingrained in her psyche.

“Good Afternoon Ms. Benson we have a visitor here for you. A Ms. Kathy Stabler.”

“Ummm….” She pauses for a moment. “Send her up.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Olivia abandons the bottles and does her best to straighten up as much as she can in the few minutes she has before Kathy knocks on her door. She can’t imagine why Kathy would be here, but before she has a chance to truly contemplate why, she is knocking on her door.

Olivia opens the door with a timid smile. “Hey.” 

“Hi.”

“Come in,” Olivia says and opens the door wider to allow her in.

“Thanks,” Kathy says and enters the apartment. “Nice place.”

“Thank you. Why don’t you have a seat?” Olivia asks as she leads her to her living room. “Can I get you anything? Water or Juice?” 

“Oh no, I’m fine.” Kathy notices the baby paraphernalia around the apartment. “You have a baby?”

“Yea, his name’s Shawn.”

“Wow, Elliot never told me you had another baby. How old is he?”

“Four months.”

“Great age.”

“Yea.”

“So how’ve you been otherwi-”

“Kathy why are you here?”

She and Kathy have never been friends. They’ve been cordial. Polite. Respectful of one another, but never friends. They’ve never gone out for drinks or coffee. Sure they’ve shared a holiday or two and had adult conversations about politics and the going ons in the world, but they’ve never gossiped or gabbed like little school girls. She saw Kathy as Elliot’s wife. His first love and the mother of his children. She accepted her as such even when she was Elliot’s wife. So she does not understand Kathy’s sudden need to come here and pretend that they’ve always been old pals.

“You just cut to the chase huh?”

“Yes, especially when someone I haven’t seen or heard from in years magically turns up at my door for a little sit down.”

Kathy takes a deep breath and looks her in the eye with kind blue eyes. “I’m here for your help.”

“My help? With what?”

“My kids…my kids are good kids. They’ve all given us their fair share of trouble, but for the most part they’ve been pretty good kids. Especially Lizzie and Dickie.”

“I thought he was going by Dick these days.”

“He is, but he’s my son. I named him. I’ll call him what I want whether he likes it or not. But yea, Dickie had some trouble here and there, but when things started happening with Kathleen he really stepped up. Both he and Liz helped me a lot with Eli and the divorce. It hurt me when Elliot and I had to tell them that we weren’t going to be able to help them with going to college. Kathleen…she relapsed. Not long after…the incident. And with her constantly switching majors and taking time off… needless to say Elliot and I are on the hook for about five years worth of student loans. It’s why he hasn’t been able to retire like he’s want to. To spend more time with Kyle.”

“I see, but I’m sorry. I don’t understand how you need my help”

“Lizzie and Dickie both want to join the force. Liz is more interested in forensics so she wants to double major in both that and criminal justice. But Dickie… Dickie is his father’s son. He chose Michael as his confirmation name because he’s the patron saint of cops. Just like Elliot did. He wanted to join the Marines, just like Elliot did, but we’ve manage to talk him out of that so now he wants to go to college. He wants to major in criminal justice and become a cop. Just like his father. They’re both applying now, but they’re really hoping to get into Yale. They’ve already submitted their applications early decision and had their interviews. They’re just waiting to hear back, but if they do get in I don’t see how they’ll ever pay for it. None of us have credit good enough to co-sign any loans.”

“So you want me to co-sign their loans?”

“No. They applied for scholarships. Lot’s of scholarships and they’ve gotten a few, but that money probably won’t even cover their books. A few weeks ago they got a really good one, one that will cover everything.”

“That’s great. It sounds like they deserve it.”

“They do. Except it just got rescinded from them.”

“What? Why?”

“The scholarship they received came from the FOAF.”

“Oh, The Future Officers of America Foundation” Olivia answers and it suddenly all makes sense.

“Yes. Look I know what Elliot did was wrong.”

“Kathy-”

“But my kids shouldn’t have to pay for the mistakes of their father. They did nothing wrong.”

“I understand.”

“Then can you talk to him? Can you ask Aidan to reconsider?”

“Well for one, this didn’t come from Aidan. He doesn’t know anything about Elliot’s kids. He only knows about Kyle. Second, Elliot dragged him down town in nothing but a thin pair of thin pajama bottoms, locked him in a cell, and denied him his right to counsel and a phone call. Elliot did everything he could to humiliate him just because he and I slept together.”

“And I completely understand his reaction. Believe me none of us are too happy with him, but none of this has anything to do with my kids.”

“Except Aidan donated the first million dollars out of his pocket. I highly doubt that he’s going to be willing to pay for Elliot’s kids to go school. He’s really upset, and he’s thinking of getting rid of the foundation all together.”

“I completely understand. Believe me I do, but if you could please. Just talk to him. That’s all I’m asking. I know we’re not friends or anything, but my kids were once apart of your family. They’re Kyle’s brother and sister. That has to count for something. Please. I’m begging you to do this for them. For me. Please, I’ll do anything. I’ll baby sit for free or something. Just…Please.”

Olivia sighs. She cannot ignore the pleading and desperation in Kathy Stabler’s eyes. “I’ll talk to him. But I’m not making any promises.” 

“I understand…You know. We should hang out some time. Go for coffee. Drinks maybe.”

“Kathy you don’t need to pretend to be my friend just because you need a favor.”

“I’m not. I’m… the thought occurred to me a long time ago. Back when you and Elliot were still married, but before I could muster up the guts to ask you…well. You know.”

“Yea I do, and it’s ok. You don’t need to. Elliot and I aren’t even married anymore so-”

“But I want to. Look whether either of us like it or not we both loved him at some point in our lives. We were both once his wife.”

“And you think that’s something I want to bond over?”

“No, but it’s a start.” 

“Kathy we don’t need to be friends. Really it’s not necessary.”

“I know, but I want to. You’ve always been a mystery to me. I want to get to know you. Elliot always says how much Kyle is like you. I’d like to know what he’s referring to.” Kathy shrugs and pulls out a folded up piece of paper out of her purse. “I took the liberty of writing down my numbers. Both for the house and my cell. If you ever change your mind give me a call. I like you Olivia. It would be nice if we could be friends. I’ll see myself out,” she places the paper on the coffee table then stands and heads towards the door. 

“Kathy wait,” Olivia calls. Kathy pauses with one foot out the door to see Olivia twirl the piece of paper in her hand. “I’m not much of a coffee drinker these days. The baby,” she nods towards the hall. “I am however looking for a running partner. Mel refuses to get out of bed that early.”

“Umm. Sure. Who’s Mel?”

“Never mind. I’ll explain later. I’ll give you a call. Set something up?”

“Sounds good. Thank you, Olivia,” and with that Kathy Stabler is out the door.

*

“Hey,” Olivia says. She opens the door to allow him entry into her apartment and smiles wanly before heading back to the couch and settles in with Shawn. 

Aidan walks through the open door then closes it behind him. “What no kiss?”  
He follows her to the living room and kisses her when she tilts her head back to him.  
“Hi Shawn,” Aidan waves.

Shawn giggles and waves his fists and kicks his feet from his comfortable position, against Olivia’s legs.

“Glad someone’s happy to see me.”

Olivia sighs. “I’m sorry, I’m happy to see you.”

“I know, but you’ve been bummed all week,” when she makes no attempt to contradict him he continues. “Wanna tell me about it?” 

“Not really.”

“C’mon Livia.”

“I haven’t seen my daughter in three weeks.”

“I know.”

“He won’t let me talk to her.”

“Olivia if he-”

“It’s not about him! It’s about her. She’s going to think she did something wrong.” 

“Then when you see her you explain otherwise.”

“And tell her what? Her asswipe of a father wouldn’t let me see or talk to her because he was mad that I started screwing somebody else.”

“Is that all we’re doing?”

“Aidan please? Not tonight.”

“Fine. But I want to know. Is this only sex to you?”

“You wouldn’t be here if it was. You think I would open my home and allow my son around someone I’m only screwing?”

“I guess not.”

“You guessed right.” 

“You’ll see her again. I promise you.” 

“You can’t promise me that.”

“Olivia I will do anything and everything I possibly can to make sure that little girl stays in your life.”

She smiles softly. “Thank you, but this is between me and Elliot. It’s just something we have to figure out.”

“Ok, and I respect that, but I’m not going to sit back and watch him use her to hurt you. You can’t expect me to do nothing.”

“I don’t, but please. Let me try to work it out with him first.”

“Alright, but in the mean time. I brought over some stuff to cheer you up.”

“Yea? What’d you bring me?”

“Well I brought stuff to make you dinner.”

“Ooo. Dinner? I didn’t know you were that much of a cook.”

“I’m not. Breakfast is my specialty. So we can either have brinner.”

“Brinner?”

“Breakfast for dinner.”

“Ok…”

“Or I can attempt the pasta dish I looked up on the internet and then when I burn it we can order Thai. Or pizza. Or cake. Whatever will cheer you up.”

“Can we just skip to the Thai part? I’m starving and you can cheer me up later,” she winks at him.

“Sounds good. You know what you want?”

“There’s a menu in the drawer by the fridge. I’ve already circled my favorites. We can mix and match.”

“Ok.” 

He makes his way to the kitchen and she watches as he moves around her place like it’s already his home. Storing various items in her kitchen. “Aidan?”

“Yea?”

“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

“Well I was thinking of going to see my parents, but that’s not exactly something I’m looking forward to. Why?”

“My brother invited me to his house out in Jersey.”

“You have a brother? I thought your mom didn’t have anymore children?”

“She didn’t.”

It takes a moment for it to click, but realization dawns on his face when it does. “Sure. I’d love to meet your brother.”


	9. Song of Simon

Chapter 9- Song of Simon

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

Simon steps back and allows Olivia and Aidan to step through the door and into his home. He pulls her into a big hug and holds her close. “I’ve missed you, Sis.”

“Missed you too, Bro,” she backs up and takes a few seconds to look her little brother over. “You look good!”

He smiles. “Thanks.”

She steps back and pulls Aidan to her side. “This is Aidan. Aidan, this is my brother, Simon.” 

Aidan stretches out his hand and he and Simon shake in greeting. Simon bends down and looks at Shawn, who sits quietly in the car seat Aidan carries. “And you must be Shawn. Hey buddy! I’m your Uncle Simon,” he says and tickles Shawn’s belly. Shawn gives him a large, gummy smile.

A young woman walks through a double door two kids behind her. Simon smiles with love in his eyes. “Olivia, you remember my wife, Tracy, and our kids, Ty and Olivia.”

Olivia smiles at the name then bends down to the kids’ level. “Hi, I’m your Aunt Olivia. I don’t think you remember me, but I met you both before. A long time ago.”

“Hi!” Ty says bravely, while little Olivia opts to wave from behind her father’s leg.

“They’re adorable.”

“Here, let me take your coats,” Tracy offers. 

Olivia and Aidan hand over their coats, then follow him into the living room. They each get comfortable on a spot on the sofa while Simon lifts Shawn from his car seat. 

“Ty, you guys go wash up for dinner, and help your sister,” Tracy orders.

“But Mooom,” Ty whines.

“You go, and don’t let me tell you again.” She gives him a look that means business and Ty get’s the point.

“C’mon Livvy,” he sulks and takes her hand and heads upstairs.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Olivia asks.

“Oh no. Everything’s ready. I just need to finish setting a few things on the table. Why don’t you finish catching up with Simon?”

“Alright.” 

“Oh, we forgot the stuff in the car,” Aidan speaks up and heads outside. He returns moments later with a couple bags. “We brought gifts. Scotch for you,” he says and hands Simon a bottle.

“Whoa. Dalmore 62? Trying to buy my love?”

“Is it working?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Moscato for the lady, and apple pie and vanilla ice cream for the kids. I also baked some brownies.”

“Thanks,” Tracy says. “Ty loves apple pie and Livvy loves anything chocolate.”

“Gee, I wonder where she gets that from,” he says looking pointedly at Olivia. She sticks her tongue out at him.

“Why don’t you come help me plate these, and we can pop open this wine.”

“Sure.”

Simon and Olivia watch them disappear into the kitchen before turning to each other. “So how did you meet him?” Simon asks.

“Work.”

“Work?”

“We met at a charity function.”

“Oh, and what is it you do again?”

“Nothing important,” she brushes off the question. “What about you? What have you been up to?”

“Oh nothing, just work. Tell Melinda thanks again for helping me out with that job. I know she had to pull a lot of strings to get me that pharmaceutical job at the Hospital. I know they don’t normally hire ex-cons.”

“She was glad to help.” 

“But seriously Olivia, how’ve you been doing?”

“I’m good. I’ve got Kyle back in my life and Shawn here. I have Aidan and I’m happy.”

“And your other problem?”

She locks eyes with him. “It’s under control.”

He’s seen this look before. It’s her assured look. The look that means whatever the situation may be, she’s handling it, and she has everything under control. He nods in understanding. “Good. So tell me more about Aidan. He treating you right?”

“He treats me fine.”

“You’ll let me know otherwise right?”

She smiles. “You know, you’re the younger one.”

“Right, but I’m your brother. I’m supposed to look out for you. I didn’t do that before.”

“What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I should have been there. I should have protected you. There were so many times you were there for me. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for you and if I hadn’t been locked up over some stupid-”

“Simon, we’ve both made mistakes, and we both had to suffer the consequences.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t deserve that.” 

She smiles wanly. “It happened. There’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“I know. I just feel guilty.” 

“Don’t. I know you would have been there if you could.”

“I would have.”

*

Aidan awakes in unfamiliar darkness, no longer able to sleep through the heat, even though he has already stripped down to his boxer briefs. His throat is parched and he’s in desperate need of a drink. Beside him, Shawn sleeps deep and evenly, small beads of sweat pool along his hairline and across his forehead. When he was moved from the pack and play they brought for him, Aidan has no idea, but he couldn’t be comfortable surrounded by their body heat. Aidan carefully strips him out of his sleeper and leaves him in his onesie, hoping that will help him cool down. On the other side of the baby, Olivia sleeps. She no longer wears the pajama bottoms and camisole she went to bed in and now sleeps in her bra and underwear. He feels himself harden at the sight of her. She shifts to her side and lays a protective hand over Shawn’s stomach. The glow of the night’s moonlight highlights her curves. Black lace hides parts of her body from his view, but only seem to heighten her sex appeal. Her face is peaceful, a faint smile on her lips. He feels his own ache to touch hers. Realizing that this is neither the time nor place, he decides to instead track down that bottle of water and the thermostat.

As he passes by the living room and dining room, memories of the evening float in. Dinner had been a lively affair with plenty of jokes, childhood stories, and laughter. Seeing Olivia and Simon interact with each other had been mesmerizing. It was hard to believe that they had only known each other for few years. They acted as if they had never been apart. They seemed to have the brother and sister relationship down pat, right down to the sibling rivalry. As was showcased in a not so friendly game of Mario Cart. It was interesting to observe the subtle similarities. The stubbornness, the ability to talk their way into getting exactly what they wanted. Even the mannerisms were uncanny. They both scratched their eyebrows with their thumbs and pointed with their pinkies. In the end, Olivia and Simon spent the evening playing with the kids and catching up while he and Tracy talked and exchanged recipes. Though all of his were breakfast recipes and in the end he ended up learning more from her than she from him. What amazed him most was how natural Olivia was with the kids. Sure, he’d seen her with Shawn, but he was a baby and was easily amused. She was a natural born mother. From the way she cut Livvy’s meat at the dinner table without having to be asked, to how she easily convinced Ty to finish what was on his plate, including the collard greens. In the end, it wasn’t long before the effects of the turkey set in, causing everyone to turn in for the night.

He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and spies the left over turkey, along with the makings for a sandwich. His stomach growls.

“Make me some of whatever you plan on eating.”

Aidan jumps and turns to see Simon sitting around the kitchen table. “How long have you been sitting there?”

“Long enough to see you could use some pants,” he glances at him, “and a shirt.”

“Sorry, it’s hot in here. I was going to do sandwiches. Sound good?”

“Yup. I like extra mayo on mine.”

“So, what are you doing up?” Aidan asks.

“The heat. Tracy is a bit anemic and gets cold easily. She forgets that normal people can’t sleep when it’s nighty-five degrees. You?”

“The heat got me up. Made me thirsty.”

“Yeah, me too. Some good scotch you brought here. Liv tell you I’m a scotch man?”

“She mentioned it once or twice. I’m a scotch man myself.”

“I can tell. How much a bottle like this run you?”

“Well… not very much actually. I own some stock in the company and the owner is a very good friend of mine.”

“So it was free.”

“Yeah, it was free.”

Aidan sits down and pushes a sandwich towards Simon. “Good turkey,” he mumbles around a large bite.

“Yeah. Tracy’s a great cook.”

“She cook like that all the time?” 

Their dinner had consisted of a large southern style buffet. Turkey, mashed potatoes, candied yams, macaroni and cheese, black eyed peas, potato salad, fried chicken, stuffing, corn bread, cranberry sauce, salad and pecan pie. Aidan couldn’t remember the last time he ate so well.

“You kidding me? I’d be five hundred pounds by now if she did.” Simon takes a bite of his own sandwich. “Sundays.”

“What?”

“Tracy was raised by her grandmother and Sunday dinners were a big thing when she was growing up. She wants to continue the tradition for Ty and Livvy.”

“Well, then we got to come here for our Sunday dinners from now on.”

“Really? You guys would come back here?”

“Sure, why not?”

“He never would have come back here.”

“He? You mean El-”

“Don’t speak his name in my house. I hate that guy. He never saw me as her brother. He treated me like some nuisance. Like I wasn’t her real brother because we didn’t grow up together or because of who my father was, but what he didn’t understand was that Olivia and I were the only family each other had. I’ll never forgive myself for letting her marry him.”

“I don’t think you could have stopped her if you tried.”

“Well, then I should have been there when he divorced her. I hate myself even more for that. She was there when I needed her and the one time she needed me, I was sitting in a jail cell.”

“Olivia never told me that. What happened?”

“It started when I got pulled over and searched. Officer found a joint in my pocket. Next thing I know ACS is knocking at my front door and they’re taking away my kids. Livvy was just a baby and Ty was about five. I went to Liv for help, and she got me a lawyer. He managed to get the charges against me dropped, but the judge in family court wouldn’t let us take the kids back until I completed a drug program, which would have taken weeks possibly months. I couldn’t wait that long. Ty hated the foster home they had him in. The older kids were taking his stuff, picking on him. He had bruises on his arm. Livvy…Livvy’s diaper was so wet that she had leaked right through it. When we had to give her back,” Simon swallows hard. “She cried bloody murder. Screamed and reached for us. I couldn’t just leave my baby girl there. So, we went back and took them. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch up to us. They let Tracy go, but I ended up in jail since I had a record. They separated our cases since it was the only way for Tracy to get custody. I, on the other hand, only got visitation rights for three years. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was that or 25 years in jail. I was locked up for about a year. In that time, Olivia would come and visit and bring pictures of Kyle. She was such a pretty baby. Suddenly, she stopped coming. I tried calling, but that asswipe picked up the phone and told me she no longer lived there. I didn’t understand. I went to the library and there it is on the front of all the newspapers. ‘Cop Puts Perp Before Child.’ I called everyone I knew. No one knew anything about her. She just…vanished. When I got out they made me move into some half way house and get some mediocre job. Tracy was struggling to make ends meet. She was finishing up some Medical assistant program and working at the same time. It was hard to watch her struggle, but I was on probation and there was very little I could do. I would give her whatever money I could manage. In my spare time I walked the streets looking for her. Talking to her old colleagues. Melinda was the only one that had seen her. That’s how I found out that she was selling herself on the street to pay for her newfound drug habit. After that, I was more determined than ever to find her. I carried her picture with me everywhere I went so that I would always have it handy. I asked around and talked to everybody I could. I got a few leads, but they just led to nowhere. I went back to Melinda and she suggested that I focus on getting my life back together. So that I could really help her if I ever did find her. She gave me a job in her office. Good pay and benefits, which helped out Tracy a lot with Livvy and Ty. I told Mel I wanted to move back to Jersey and she got me a job at the hospital. I started working in their morgue, but on a probationary basis. It didn’t matter. The money was good and I was able to get this house. The knowledge I had in pharmaceuticals really helped me in my work there and they gave me a position with the county ME’s department. I got my lawyer to work something out with the court and Tracy and the kids were able to come live with me again. We still have unscheduled visits from child services, but we don’t have anything to hide. Tracy got a job as a medical assistant at the same hospital so we were stable, and I was able to go back to looking for Liv. I still wanted to find her and bring her home. I bought a four bedroom so that she would have a room to stay in, but I never found her. She found me. On the day Shawn was born, she called me and we all packed up in the car and went over to the hospital to see her. I was so happy to find her. I invited her and the baby to come back with us, but she told me that she was ok. That she had a place and knew where to call if she needed me. But I call her. Every Tuesday night. To make sure she’s ok. With the kids it’s hard to make it into the city, but we see each other once a month.” 

“Wow. You really care about her.”

“Yeah. I always wanted a sister, and one day she shows up on my doorstep and it was like she’d always been there. I know if my dad was still around, he would have asked me to watch out for her. Take care of her. That’s why I’m going to ask you what are your intentions with my sister, because I’m not going to just sit back and watch her get hurt all over again.”

“That’s completely understandable. That’s why I’m going to tell you that I’m not here to hurt your sister. I can’t say I never will because I don’t know the future, but I can promise you that I will never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I…” he smiles. “I have very strong feelings for your sister-”

“You mean you love her? Didn’t you guys just meet the other day?”

“Not love. I’m not sure what it is yet, but it may be too soon for love. We’ve only been seeing each other for about three months, but in that time I’ve gotten to know her pretty well and she’s everything I’ve been looking for in a woman. I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She makes me that happy.” 

“Does she know this?”

“No. She’s not ready for all that yet. She’s still trying to get past everything El- Sorry, He put her through and get her life back together. What we have right now is fine so I’ll wait for her to get to that point. She’s worth it.”

*

Elliot maneuvers his Highlander easily around a corner. The car is quiet, save for the soft snores emanating from the back seat and the Beatles CD he plays softly in the background. Eli sleeps in one corner, his Gameboy still loosely clutched in his hand. In the other corner, his younger sister replicates his posture almost exactly. Her own Gameboy also clutched in her tiny hands. Elliot glances at the passenger to his right. Casey stares quietly out the window. She’s been quiet ever since they left his mother’s house. Now that he thinks about it, she’s been quiet all weekend. 

“Everything ok?” he asks.

“Hmmm?” she turns to stare at him. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“You ok? You’ve been kind of quiet.”

“I’m fine. Just staring at the trees. They’re beautiful this time of year.”

“Yeah. Look, sorry about my mom. I know listening to her drone on and on about Olivia isn’t easy.”

“It would be nice if she could at least pretend that you and I are in a serious relationship and stop asking when you and Olivia are getting back together.” 

“Sorry. Subtlety has never been my mother’s strong suit. She’s always been a straight shooter, even more so since my dad passed.”

“Casey nods in understanding. Have you heard back from the Brass yet?”

“No.”

“Elliot-”

“No. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Elliot, it’s been nearly three weeks.” 

“I know how long it’s been.”

“Maybe you should talk to Olivia. She can probably help.”

“I’m not talking to her.”

“Elliot, will you stop worrying about your stupid pride?! We have bills to pay, mouths to feed. Not to mention your pension and health insurance. Kyle has a dentist appointment next week. We can’t afford to pay out of pocket for that and God forbid she develops a cavity after all the candy and cake frosting your mother gave her. Who gives a kid cake frosting? I mean, there wasn’t even any cake.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

“No. You need to swallow your pride and ask Olivia to put in a good word for you.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Do you still have feelings for her?”

“What? I was the one who divorced her, remember?”

“Yes, I remember. I also remember you being pretty angry. Maybe you acted on your anger without any regard for your feelings for her.”

“I was done with her putting everything else ahead of our family. I acted on those feelings.”

“Then why did you go off on her like that the other night? I mean, how did you think that was going to end? She was with the guest of honor, for goodness sake. How did you think they were going to take to you berating her in front of everybody?”

“Guest of honor. He pays for sex with my ex-wife and I come out the bad guy.”

“You were the bad guy because you verbally attacked her in front of every high ranking officer of the NYPD. Then as if that wasn’t bad enough, you arrest both her and the guest of honor the next morning. Why would you do that?! Were you jealous or something?”

“No! I was angry. How could she bring him there? How could she flaunt her sorry excuse for a profession in front of all my friends and colleagues? They all know who she is. For God’s sake, we have a carpool going with about five of the cops in that room.”

“And none of them were any the wiser until you made a fool of yourself in front of everybody.”

“Oh, I’m the fool? She-”

“Did nothing wrong. He brought her, she didn’t have a choice.”

“She could have changed her mind. She could have canceled. She didn’t have to embarrass me like that.”

Casey softens. “Is that why you arrested her? You wanted to get back at her?”

“No. I arrested her because that’s the law. But that night I wanted to show I had every right to be upset with her, and even that blew up in my face. I feel like everyone sees me as the bad guy when I was just trying to do what was best for my daughter and me. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Give her a hug and tell her everything would be ok?”

“Elliot, what are you talking about?”

“The shooting! She put our baby in danger and I’m the bad guy for trying to protect us.”

Casey takes his hand and squeezes it in her own. “I never saw you as the bad guy. I’m sure you made the right decision for you and Kyle.” 

He looks at her, confused blue meeting comforting green. “Then why do I feel so guilty?”

*

Elliot takes a deep breath and raises his hand to knock on her door when it swings open and there is no mistaking the furry in her eyes.

“You’ve got some nerve.”

“Olivia I just want to talk.”

“Where’s Kyle?”

“She’s home.”

“I want to see her.”

“I’ll drop her off this weekend.”

“No, I want her tomorrow.” In the background he can hear a baby’s cries.

“That’s not our agreement.”

“We also didn’t agree to you keeping her from me for three weeks. You violated our custody agreement. I should take your ass to court.”

“I know and I’m sorry about that. I should have dropped her off like I was supposed to, but we were both upset so I thought it would be best if we just took a breather from each other.”

“That’s not an excuse, Elliot!”

“I know, and I’ll talk with Casey and see if she’s ok with you having her this week.”

“If she’s ok?! She’s not her mother. She doesn’t get a say.”

“She mentioned to me that she has a dentist appointment sometime this week.”

“I can take her.”

“Casey’s been handling these things for awhile now, it’s just best if she continues handling it.”

“It’s not rocket science, Elliot. I can handle taking her to the dentist.”

“Yeah? Do you know how many teeth she’s lost? If she’s had any cavities? What tooth still hasn’t grown in yet? The last time she had an x-ray? These are things a mother should know. These are things Casey knows.” 

“How dare you-”

He watches her eyes water and realizes he’s hurt her. He sighs. “Look, I didn’t come here to fight. I need you to put in a good word for me with the Brass.” 

“Excuse me? You’ve really got some nerve. You keep my daughter from me for three weeks out of spite, then come here and insult me as a mother and think you can ask me for favors?!” Shawn’s cries become more persistent and raise in crescendo. 

“Aren’t you going to get him?”

“He’s fine.”

The cries seem to become increasingly louder and it is then that Elliot realizes that they are coming closer. Aidan steps up to the door, Shawn cradled in his arms. He holds out a bottle to Olivia “Is this ok?” he asks. She takes the bottle in her hand quickly then hands it back. “Yeah, make sure you put a bib on him.” Aidan nods and disappears into her apartment.

“What’s he doing here?” Elliot asks.

“He is none of your business.”

“He is if he’s going to be around my daughter.”

“Weren’t you just asking me for a favor?”

Elliot sighs. “I need my job back.”

“Why should I help you? What have you done to deserve my help?”

“Look, I know-”

“You don’t know shit!” She sighs. “Morrison called me last week. I told him everything between us was fine. If he hasn’t asked you back to work yet then I don’t know. It has nothing to do with me,” she shrugs. 

Elliot sighs and begins to pace the carpeted floor of her hallway. “Well, if it isn’t you then…” He looks past her at the man sitting on the couch. Feeding the baby. He’s nervous. Up tight. Constantly readjusting the baby and rocking him at the same time. He doesn’t know that the bottle alone will pacify the baby. That he’s already holding him at the proper angle. That all the moving is probably going to make the baby throw up. “It’s him. Can he?”

Olivia laughs. “You’re kidding right?”

“Look, Olivia I need this job. I’m still paying the mortgage on the house. I have Kathleen’s student loans to pay back and Kathy just told me Eli is going to need braces. Not to mention that both he and Kyle are on my health insurance.”

“He’s really upset, Elliot.”

“Then bring him out here so that I can apologize.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, either. He and Simon kind of started this whole ‘I hate Elliot club’ and they’ve spent the holiday bonding over their hatred of you. He’s probably still riled up over it.”

Elliot sighs.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank you. I’ll drop Kyle off tomorrow so she can spend the day with you and I’ll talk to Casey about this week.”

“Sounds good.”

“But I don’t want him around my kid.”

“Elliot.”

“No. If Kyle’s here, then he’s not.”

“You know, I don’t want Casey around my kid either.”

“The two situations aren’t the same and you know it. You made her Kyle’s godmother for Christ’s sake.”

“Don’t remind me. What a big mistake that was.”

“I don’t know anything about him, and until I do, I don’t want him around my daughter.”

“Fine. I had no plans of introducing him yet, so you’re safe.”

“Thank you. I’ll call you in the morning?”

“Sounds good.” She watches him head back down the hall to the elevators then heads back into her apartment. She sits beside Aidan and watches an old rerun of Friends with him.

“So, you don’t want me near your kid,” he says and she can tell by his tone that it is not a question.

“Of course I do. You’re holding Shawn right now.”

“Then why don’t you want me to meet Kyle?”

“Because I’m not ready for you to meet her yet.”

“Is that why you didn’t argue with him when he told you I couldn’t be around when Kyle is here?”

“No, I didn’t argue with him, because I understood his concerns and I respected them.” 

“Understood his concerns? What concerns does he have?”

“You’re a grown man that he doesn’t know anything about. I’m sure he would like to get to know you better before you start spending time with his daughter.”

“You make it sound like he’s afraid I’m going to touch her or something.” He glances at Olivia and can immediately tell that he’s hit the nail right on the head. “Oh my God, that’s it. He thinks I might molest his daughter and you- you agree with him?!” He hands her Shawn then stands and begins to search the room for his coat.

“I never said that.”

“You said you respected his concerns.” 

“I meant that I understood them. I worked the same job he does now and I can’t tell you how many horror stories we’ve heard where the mother’s boyfriend or new husband took a special interest in their new step daughter or son. He just needs some time to get used to the idea. Obviously I don’t feel the same way, otherwise I never would have introduced you to my son and we definitely wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation now.”

He finds his coat and quickly slides it on. “Well, tell him not to bother getting used to anything because I’m never going to meet his daughter.”

“What?”

“We’re done,” he tells her with finality and with that, he marches towards her door, slamming it behind him.

*

Olivia steps through the glass doors and shakes the rain out of her hair. She tosses her broken umbrella in a nearby trash receptacle, cursing under her breath. She reads the sign searching the list of company names renting office space. She locates the one she’s looking for. 

Malone Corp.

Floor 14.

She steps onto the elevator and a short while later she arrives on his floor. The name of his company hangs in platinum letters against the wall behind the empty receptionist’s desk. At this hour she is long gone. She walks down the hall until she comes across the door with his name on it. She enters and is met with another empty desk, which she guesses belongs to his secretary. She opens the door to the left where his name is once again engraved on the door and finds him behind his desk. The dark cherry wood matches the rest of furniture in his office. It’s simple, really. Simply for work and not much else, though she does spot a few touches of his personality here and there. The hoop on the back of the door. The iPod doc on the shelf. His gym bag in the corner along with several different kinds of sneakers. He has a beautiful view of the New York City skyline and at this time of night, the city is aglow with lights.

“What are you doing here?” he grumbles without looking up from the paperwork in front of him.

“I came to talk.”

He sighs and tosses his pen on the desk. “Yeah, I wanted to talk too. I’ve just been too proud to call you.”

“I’ve been proud too, but there are a few things I want you to know and once you know them you can decide if you want this or not. I know that I’m repeating myself, but it’s very important that you understand that first and foremost, I don’t think you’re a child molester. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I did. I also wouldn’t have allowed you to meet my son if I did.”

“Then why can’t I meet your daughter?”

“Because I’m not ready for you to meet her and, based on your actions the other night, neither are you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“We had a little fight and you walked out on me. Kyle has enough people walking in and out of her life right now, there’s no need to add to it. When I’m sure about us and where we’re headed then I will introduce you to her. Not only that, but I have no clue what to say to her. What we have now is so new and unfamiliar for me. I don’t know how to even begin explaining you to her. I need some time to figure that out.”

“Then why did you let me meet your son?”

“Because I wanted to spend more time with you. That meant you coming over more,” she shrugs. “I took a chance. Shawn’s younger. He doesn’t understand any of this. Kyle will.” 

“So what about Elliot?”

“That’s another thing. You don’t get to be mad over my relationship with Elliot. I’m trying to get to a point where I get to see my kid more than every other weekend and holiday. That means making compromises and respecting his feelings.”

“Well, it looks like you’re the only one compromising in this situation. I mean he basically called you a shit mother and then you bent over so he could fuck you over again.”

“You know you’re starting to sound a lot like him.”

“I’m just saying you’re giving him everything he wants. You’re letting him have all the power.”

“And that may be so, but what choice do I have? Elliot still has primary custody of her. I only have visitation rights. I have to play on his turf if I want to see my kid.”

“You know, I was looking into that there are things you can do, steps you can take to be in Kyle’s life more.”

“I know, but I have to tread carefully. It’s not like I have the upper hand in any of this. Getting visitation rights was a long shot in the first place. I’m pretty sure I only have them because he decided not to fight me on it.” 

He nods, “I’m sorry. You’re right for agreeing to his demands and it was wrong of me to try and push you into something you weren’t ready for. Especially when it involves your kid. I was just afraid that you were trying to pull away from me again.”

She walks over and sits on his lap. “I was just trying to do what’s best for everyone involved. I was never saying that you were never going to meet her. It just needs to be when the time is right for all of us.”

“I understand. Can you forgive me?”

“Only if you promise to talk to me next time and not to just jump to conclusions.”

“I promise.”

“Can you come home now?”

“I wish I could, but I have a ton of paperwork to do. Trades and such to sign off on.”

“Hmm. Well I was hoping…” she stands and begins untying her white trench coat, “that maybe we can do something more interesting instead.”

“Believe me I’d love to, but-”

The trench coat drops to the floor revealing Olivia in red lace. His eyes travel her barely covered flesh from head to toe, starting with the red stelettoes to the black stockings that shield her long legs. The garter belt that circles her thick thighs connected to the red thong that perfectly matches the bra that can barely hold her breasts. “You were saying?” Olivia smiles.

Use me take me home and use me…

“Umm. Paperwork. I have a lot of paperwork,” he says turning back to the forms in front of him.

She slowly walks over and takes her time sliding one foot on the other side of his legs, nearly straddling his waist, then slides back onto his desk, causing the papers to crunch. 

This is agony…

Because he’s hard as a rock and he can feel her legs grazing the soft material of his slacks. He can smell her perfume and he can already taste her on his lips. But there is so much paperwork. And he has to leave for Japan in a couple days, but she’s here. Her eyes are filled with desire. For him. He doesn’t have to touch her to know she’s wet and he can already feel her soft skin against his finger tips and she smiles seductively at him.

But it's still a thrill for me…

“So would you rather do paperwork? Or would you rather do…” she flicks open the clasp on her bra. “Me.”

You'll be addicted. I'll be inflicted…

And fuck it all to hell. His lips crash against hers and he pulls her body tight against his. He brushes the papers to the floor as her nimble fingers pull at his tie. He knows it will take him forever to get them all organized again, but fuck it. He’ll get to it later. Now, the only thing he wants is her. The only thing he wants to smell is her. The only thing he wants to feel is her. The only thing he wants to taste is her. The only thing that matters is her.

One look at your face. I'm back in that place. I'm feeling the fire…

Her.

Just. Her.

The paperwork will be there in the morning. The trade can wait until the morning. Right now he wants to live in the moment.

I wont fall down. My soul is bound.

Right now it’s all about her.

Her.

No time to waste. Let's fall from grace.

This is Agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Credits: Agony-Paloma Faith


	10. In Sickness...

Chapter 10-In Sickness…

She smiles into his kiss when she feels his nimble fingers brush against the skin of her stomach. “Aidan,” she laughs.

“What?” he mumbles, his kisses now falling against her neck.

“Don’t you have a plane to catch?”

He flicks open the button on her jeans. “So? It’s my plane. Not like it can leave without me. I can call and push it back.”

“I thought you have a meeting in Japan you have to get to?”

“They’ll wait. They need me more than I need them.”

“Why?”

“The company is going under because of several law suits pending against them, and they think I don’t know because I’m some dumb American with no real business sense.” 

“So they’re screwing you.”

“No, screwing you is what I should be doing.”

She laughs. “C’mon, tell me.”

“You know this is our sexy time, and I’m about to go away for two days.”

“We had sexy time all last night.” She grinds her waist against his. “Remember?”

“No. I think I need you to remind me.”

“You have to tell me what you’re going to do?”

“I’m going to buy their company and sell it for parts to their competitors including those that are suing them. Just to stick it to them. I have several lucrative deals in the works.”

“Why don’t they do that themselves?”

“Too much pride and they believe the company is worth more as a whole than individually.”

“So why isn’t it?”

“Because they don’t have my business savvy and charming good looks,” he winks at her.

“You’re so full of-” he cuts her off with his lips and she gives in, pushing him further into her couch. Shawn has another thirty minutes left on his nap and there is so much that they can do in thirty minutes. He pulls her sweater over her head and just as she is about to unbutton his shirt, her phone starts barking beside her and they both start laughing.

“That’s not funny,” she chastises.

“You said the ring tone was giving you a headache and freaking Shawn out so I changed it,” she glares at him. “What? Don’t you think it’s fitting?”

She rolls her eyes and answers her phone unable to keep the smile off her face. “Hey El, what’s up?” 

“I need you to pick Kyle up from school, they just called me saying she’s sick.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know. They just said she threw up and is running a temperature of about a hundred. I can’t leave the office because half my staff is out with the flu and Casey’s got court all day. Can you do it?”

“Yeah, I’ll pick her up and take her to the doctor. Does she still see Dr. Yogman?”

“Yeah, thanks Liv,” and he hangs up before she can say bye.

“Everything ok?” Aidan asks. 

“Kyle’s sick and I have to go pick her up.”

“Which means I have to go,” he sighs.

She wraps her arms around him and rests her forehead against his. “I’m going to call Melody. Can you stay with Shawn until she gets here?”

“I’d do anything for you.”

She kisses him softly. “I’ll miss you.”

He kisses her back harder. “I’ll miss you more.”

*

Olivia walks up to the front desk of Our Lady of Nazareth Catholic School. “Hi,” she smiles. “I’m here to pick up Kyle Stabler. You called saying she was sick.” 

“Hello. I’m sorry, and you are?”

“Kyle’s mother.” 

“You’re not Ms. Novak?”

“No, I’m her biological mother. Olivia Benson.”

“Oh right. Mr. Stabler did call and say you were coming. I’m so sorry. It’s flu season and I’m covering for several people. At this point in the day I barely know my own name.” 

“Understandably.” 

“Actually, if you have a minute would you mind filling out our contact information form. We like to keep all parents involved and up to date with what’s going on here, and I have some flyers and calendars here for you as well,” she hands Olivia a clip board with all the proffered information.

“Thanks,” she says, and takes a seat to quickly fill out the form.

*

Minutes later she walks down the fairly empty halls, following the map in her hand. She finds the nurse’s office and enters.

“You must be Ms. Benson. They just called and said you would be by. Kyle’s in this room over here.”

She opens the room door and sinks at the sight of her baby. She looks so small on the cot. She sits beside her and puts a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Kyle,” she calls softly.

Kyle turns to her. “Mommy?”

“Yeah, baby, Mommy’s here.”

“I don’t feel good. I threw up.”

“I know,” she says as she begins putting on Kyle’s jacket. “Mommy’s going to take you to the doctor and get you some medicine so you can feel better.”

“Ok.”

“C’mon,” Olivia lifts her into her arms and stands. Kyle rests her head against her shoulder and closes her eyes. The nurse slides Kyle’s backpack over one of Olivia’s shoulders and bids them goodbye. 

*

Olivia tucks the covers around Kyle a little tighter and kisses her warm forehead before exiting the room, pulling the door closed behind her. She hates seeing her daughter sick. Kyle is a happy and vivacious little girl, so full of life that she seems to breathe joy and vitality into everyone around her, but today she’s barely been able to keep her eyes open. As much as she hates seeing Kyle sick, she has found some happiness in the girl’s sickness, because she has been there to care for her and nurse her back to health. Something she never thought she would ever have the opportunity to do. It amazes her how it’s the little things that gives her life meaning these days. Seeing Shawn’s smiling face in the mornings. Putting on band aids and kissing Kyle’s boo boos. Getting Shawn’s diaper on before he manages to soak her, which he seems to have made a personal goal of his own. She likes being able to hold Kyle after a nightmare. To kiss away her bad dreams. She loves being a mom, and hopes that she will be able to do more mom things later on as she solidifies her place in Kyle’s life. Her home phone rings and she answers it on the second ring. 

“Hello?”

“Good Evening, Ms. Benson. I have a Ms. Novak here to see you, can I send her up?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thank you, Ms. Benson. Have a good night.”

“Same to you.”

She waits a few minutes for the inevitable knock on her door. She opens it and allows Casey Novak to enter her home.

“Olivia,” Casey greets.

“Casey,” Olivia returns. “Elliot never said you were coming to pick her up.”

“Yeah, he’s still at work. He’s been really busy today. Big case. Probably trying to catch up on his paperwork, so I thought I would just pick her up.”

“That sounds about right, but Kyle has the flu. She won’t be able to go back to school for a couple days.”

“Yeah, Elliot told me. I’m going to work from home until she gets better.”

“Oh, well I just tucked her in for the night. I’ll go get her,” and she walks away with her heart in her stomach, though she does a good job of hiding her sadness.

Casey watches her disappear down the hall and takes a moment to take in Olivia’s new apartment. The décor is reminiscent of her old apartment. From the crème colored couch to the light wooden furniture. The vanilla and honeysuckle candles. Light. Airy. She remembers many nights spent in that apartment. Nights filled with too much wine and silent confessions. Popcorn and movies. Secrets that have still been kept to this day. She misses those nights. She misses her best friend.

Olivia returns with Kyle in her arms, dressed in her jacket and pajamas, and passes her over to her. 

“Mommy?” Kyle mumbles and before Casey has a chance to answer Olivia interjects.  
“Right here, baby. You’re going to go home with Casey now.” 

“But I want to stay with you.”

“I know honey, but Casey’s going to take good care of you for now. I’ll see you in a few days. Ok?”

“K,” she sighs and is then asleep again.

Olivia kisses her cheek then steps back. “Um, I got some over the counter stuff her doctor recommended. It’s helped keep her fever down, but he said that if her fever reaches over a hundred and two you should take her to the ER.”

“Thanks,” she glances at the bottles. “We actually have these at home from the last time she was sick. You should keep those here for your own stash.”

“Thanks.”

Casey stands there awkwardly wondering if she should voice her feelings before blurting out, “Olivia, I was wondering if maybe we can really try being friends again. I miss you.”

“Took you about three years.”

“Olivia, c’mon.” 

“No. Casey, you’re sleeping with my ex-husband. I don’t see how we can be friends.”

“People do it every day.”

“Not me. I’ve never been too forgiving and I don’t plan on changing anytime soon.”

“No better time like the present.”

“Why? Why does it matter to you now? You’ve had plenty of time to patch up our relationship and you never once tried. All of a sudden you miss me and want to be BFFs now? It’s been years. Why now?”

Casey shrugs and looks down at Kyle and suddenly it dawns on her. 

“You’re afraid. Every day Kyle grows closer to me and farther from you. You’re afraid you might lose her. I take it things with you and Elliot aren’t going too well, either. So you figure if you and I are friends again, you can still be in Kyle’s life.”

“That’s not-”

“No, that’s exactly it.”

“No, Olivia. I really just miss my best friend. I made a mistake all those years ago. We all did, but now we’re all trying to remedy those mistakes and move on with our lives. Us being friends again can be a part of that.”

“No. The mistake I made was being your friend in the first place. I think you should go now,” she walks over to the door and holds it open for her. “Goodnight, Casey.”

She sighs. “Goodnight, Olivia,” she says and steps through the door.

*

Aidan tries her cell phone one more time as he walks through the emergency room doors. He quickly scans the waiting room and the pounding in his heart stops as relief flows over him. Olivia sits with Shawn wrapped in his favorite fuzzy blanket. He sits quietly in her arms while she flips through a magazine.

“Olivia.”

She looks up and is surprised to see him. “Aidan, what are you doing here?”

“We were supposed to meet for lunch, remember? When you didn’t show, I tried calling your cell and it kept going to voicemail. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I forgot to charge it last night. It’s been dead all morning,” she says, holding up the device in question. 

“I thought something happened to you. Melody mentioned Shawn was still sick and you might have gone to the hospital so I’ve been checking emergency rooms for the past three hours. No one would give me any information over the phone because of stupid HIPPA,” he reaches for Shawn and the baby willingly reaches back. “Why didn’t you tell me he was sick?” He takes him and sits in the empty seat beside her.

Olivia shrugs. “He’s not your son. Not your responsibility.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means I didn’t want to bother you with my problems. He’s my kid, my responsibility.”

“That’s not fair, Olivia. I still care about you both.”

“I know, but most guys don’t really want to deal with their girlfriend’s kid.”

“I’m not most guys.”

“I know you’re not. I’m sorry. I just assumed…”

He shrugs off her apology. “So what’s wrong with him?”

“Well, for one that cough isn’t getting any better and neither is his fever. He’s still not eating much and it seems like he’s having a hard time breathing. His pediatrician said that I should bring him here.”

“Well, how long have you been here?”

“A few hours. Can I see your phone?”

He hands over his phone. “Wait, a few hours?! He’s a sick kid he should have been seen hours ago. Let’s go to Mercy. They didn’t look too busy when I was there.” 

She opens one of the games she’s downloaded to his phone. “No. Not there.”

“What? Why?”

“Just…Not there. Besides Presbyterian is a better children’s hospital. We’ll wait.”

He pulls out his blackberry. “I think I might know a doctor that works here. I’ll call him and see if he can see us or at least pull some strings to get us seen.”

“No.”

“What? Why? Didn’t you say he was having trouble breathing?”

“Yes, but look around you. All these kids are sick. All these kids need to be seen. Some of them have been waiting longer than us.” He looks around and sure enough she’s right. The room is filled with sick children. Coughing and sneezing. Little red noses with snot drizzling from them. “They don’t have someone they can call to help them jump the line. So we shouldn’t either. They’ll get to us as soon as they can. They took his vitals. They know how sick he is. They’ll call us when they’re ready.”

He looks over to see her continuing her latest game of Plants Vs. Zombies. “That’s really how your phone died isn’t it?”

She grins. “Shut up.”

*

They are finally called into the examination room and Shawn sits on her lap while the doctor listens to his lungs.

“And how long ago did you say his cough started?” the doctor asks as she puts her stethoscope around her neck.

“Wednesday,” Aidan answers before she can say anything. “I noticed it when I put him to bed that night, but it wasn’t this bad.”

“His sister just got over the flu. I just figured he got it from her,” Olivia adds.

“Normally, I would agree with you, but I don’t like the sound of his lungs. We’re going to run a few more tests and I’m going to check his medical records to see what he’s been immunized for so far.”

“Immunized for?! What is it that you think he has?” she asks. 

“I’m thinking it’s pneumonia, brought on by the flu virus that he probably caught from your daughter, which isn’t uncommon, but since he hasn’t been immunized for everything yet, we just want to make sure we have covered all of our bases. I’m going to go ahead an admit him and get him started on some oxygen to help with his breathing. Then we’re going to take him to have some tests done. I know it sounds scary, but it’s going to be ok, your son is in good hands.”

*

Olivia paces outside the pediatric until. Memories flooding her head. She startles when she feels Aidan’s arms around her. 

“Hey, it’s just me.”

She releases a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and buries her face in his chest. “Thank you so much for being here.”

“There’s no place I’d rather be.They got the IV in and he’s calm now. You can come back in.”

“Some mother. He needed me, and I-I ran away.”

“Olivia, no one’s blaming you. None of this is easy.”

“But I’m supposed to be there for him. I’m supposed to be stronger than this.”

“Olivia, you’re the strongest person I know. Now c’mon.” He takes her hand and leads her back onto the unit.

“There’s your mommy,” the nurse smiles and when Shawn sees her, his chubby, roll-filled little arms stretch towards her.

“Hey buddy,” she says and takes him in her arms. 

“Just be careful of the IV and his oxygen tube; make sure he keeps the cannula on his face,” the nurse cautions.

“Thank you, I will,” Olivia tells her and then the nurse is off. Olivia sits in a nearby rocking chair and smoothes back the silky curls that rest on the top of his head. Aidan brings over a blanket and secures it around him. When he looks up and sees tears fill her eyes, concern fills his.

“Olivia?”

“Please. Just sit with me?” she asks and holds out her hand.

“Sure, Anything,” he takes her hand in his and her death grip on his hand scares hm.

“Just… don’t let them take him.”

He’s never seen her more serious.

*

“Hey,” Olivia shakes Aidan’s leg lightly.

He snaps up from his nap and Olivia grins. “C’mon, we can go home now.”

“I thought he had another round of antibiotics.”

“It’s complete. You two have been asleep for the past four hours,” She looks at her son snuggled in the man’s arms. The cannula long gone. She’s glad that he no longer needs it. Keeping it on his face had been a never ending battle.

“What?” he checks his watch and sure enough she is correct. “We’re leaving now?”

“Yeah.” 

“But Olivia, it’s almost midnight, why don’t we just wait until morning?”

“I don’t want to keep him here longer than we have to. He should be at home in his own bed.”

“Alright. I’ll call my driver.”

“Don’t bother. There’s plenty of cabs downstairs. We can just grab one.”

“Alright.” He hands Shawn to her and stands and stretches. He looks back over at her and catches the glint her eye.

“What?”

“I’m digging the five o’clock shadow. Sexy.”

“Yeah? You like a little facial hair?”

“I do.”

*

Her eyes open and focus on the bare white of the ceiling above her. Her heart rate increases and pounds in her ears, only to be echoed by the monitor. She sits up, but there is a pain in her chest. She looks down and her gown is stained red from the blood that spills from the hole there.

“Mommy!”

She springs from the bed and opens the door just in time to see one of the orderlies disappear with Kyle around the corner. She takes off after her at a break neck speed and turns the corner to find herself in Shawn’s nursery. She picks him up from his crib and sits in the glider chair beside Shawn’s crib and rocks him slowly. His blue eyes shine with love and admiration and she smiles down at him. 

The door bursts open and there are lights in her face. The nurse from the hospital comes over and snatches her son from her arms and before she can reach back for him, the S.W.A.T team is holding her back. She fights them off and chases after her.

“Stop!!!” she yells. “Give me back my son!”

The faster she runs, the farther away the woman seems to get, but she pushes on. Her bare feet slap against the cold tile of the hospital floors. The nurse comes to a stop in front of a man in a suit and hands Shawn to him.

“Stop!!!” she yells when she realizes who it is. “Don’t!”

She catches up to him, but just as she lunges for him there are hands on her all over. Her arms, legs, waist. They’re pulling her back and her efforts to fight against them are futile. They tear away the flimsy hospital gown and then she sees the dirty mattress in the darkened room. “No!” she cries. “Please!” she begs. They toss her onto the mattress and there are hands pinning hers down. Hands that hold her legs open. “No!!!” she cries and screams as the first man climbs on top of her. In the corner she can see him. Her son in his arms. Her daughter by his side. All of their eyes trained on her.

“Elliot! Get them out of here. They shouldn’t be seeing this.”

“No. They need to see this. They should see their mother for the whore that she is so that they know that it’s not my fault. That I had to take them away for their own good.”

“No! You’re not taking my kids anywhere!”

But he is walking away. He pulls Kyle along with him and her eyes never leave her mother.

“Kyle!” she calls. “Shawn!!!”

A man kneels in front of her, his erection in his hand, and she notices recognizes this penis. It’s one that has been haunting her dreams for years. She knows the mole at the base of his penis as he inches it closer and closer to the mouth. She looks up and Harrison smiles.

“Miss me, Bitch?”

*

Olivia gasps and sits up in bed panting. A sheen of cold sweat covering her body. She tries desperately to take a breath, but it doesn’t seem like any air is getting into her lungs.

“Olivia, it’s ok,” Aidan tries to comfort her. He puts his arm around her shoulders, but she slaps them away.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Ok,” he says and puts his arms up defensively. “Ok, tell me what you need.”

“Shawn. Where’s Shawn?” she moves to get out of bed, but his hand stops her.

“Sorry, no touching. I know. But he’s fine. Here,” he hands her the video baby monitor and on the screen she can see her baby sleeping. His soft snore coming through the speakers. “See, he’s ok. You’re ok. Everything’s ok.”

She breaks down and the tears come fast and hard, and this time she doesn’t push him away when he tries to comfort her. He pulls her into his lap and holds her. “Want to talk about it?” he asks and she shakes her head ‘no.’ “What can I do?”

“Can you sing to me?”

“What?”

“Please?”

“Ok,” he says and rocks her. He thinks of a song, and it doesn’t take long before one comes to him.

The first time ever I saw your face  
I thought the sun rose in your eyes  
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave  
To the night and the empty skies my love  
To the night and the empty skies…

The sweet melody of his voice seems to calm every nerve in her body and the words take her to a peaceful place. So she closes her eyes and hopes the nightmares stay away.

*

Olivia walks through the church doors and out into the chilled weather. The sky is grey and flakes fall around her, melting into her hair and joining the numerous feet of snow that has fallen from the night before. She pulls her peacoat tighter around her and looks for a cab, though she is surprised by the familiar face she sees. 

“What are you doing here?” she asks as she comes to stop in front of Aidan.

He hands her a Styrofoam cup. “Hot cocoa.” 

She takes a sip of the warm chocolatey liquid, and hums when she can feel its warmth spread through her. “Thank you. How did you know I was here?”

“Well, I noticed that on Tuesdays and Thursdays from about 1-2 I can never seem to reach you. I’ve tried to schedule lunch with you several times during this block, but you’ve always found a way around it. Melody says you go out for some alone time, but you’re never gone long. So I thought. And thought. And thought about what you could possibly be doing at this time, and then it hit me.”

“Aidan.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me.”

“My NA meetings are not something I particularly like talking about. They’re personal and private.”

“I’m sorry. I just want to be here for you.”

“How about next time you wait for me to confide in you. I don’t like being pushed into things. Especially when I’m not ready to talk about them.”

“We don’t have to talk about them. In fact, I have someplace special I want to take you to take your mind off of all of this.”

Several minutes later they arrive at Central Park and she looks at him quizzically. “You brought me to the park.”

“Yeah. It’s the best place to do this. Look!” He points. 

A horse drawn sled moves effortlessly through the freshly fallen snow and comes to stop at their feet. The driver steps out of the way and allows them on then hands the reigns to Aidan.

“You’re driving?” she asks, surprised.

“Yeah. I’ve had a few lessons.” He snaps the reigns and they’re off.

“Where did you get this idea from?”

“I saw it in an episode of Sex and the City. I figured if the guy in the show could pull this off, so could I.”

“You know that show is fictional, right?”

“Yet here we are.”

“Wait, you watch Sex and the City?”

“I have the deluxe DVD set. What? You don’t?” 

She stares at him as if he’s grown a second head. “Are you sure you’re straight?”

“We can go home and I can show you how straight I am.”

“You’re something, you know that?”

“Funny. That’s what I say about you.”

*

Sometime in the wee hours of the next morning she awakes in his bed. The sun is just beginning to peak over the horizon and she is wide awake. She looks at the clock beside his bed and it reads 5:45. She needs to get up and get home to her son, but she likes being in his bed. It’s warm and safe, and isn’t tainted with her nightmares. She gets up and readjusts his T-shirt and shorts and goes to brush her teeth and wash her face, but while heading back to bed, she decides to sit by the window. Below her, the city comes to life. People head into the local coffee shops to buy their morning coffee and a bagel for breakfast. A few stop at the newsstand to pick up the morning paper. Others rush to the subway, afraid of missing the upcoming train. The constant hustle and bustle of the city continuing. She wishes she was them. She wishes that she had a constant job that allowed her no time to dwell on her past, and the nightmares that have emerged from it. She stares at the sky. It’s a mix of pinks and oranges and blue. A new day. A new beginning, but her troubles from yesterday and the days before still linger. They flash through her psyche whenever she closes her eyes.

“Hey.” She jumps when she hears the voice in her ear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He kisses her temple. 

She turns to kiss him back, but laughs instead when she sees what he is wearing. “What are you wearing?”

He wears a pink dress shirt with a white collar along with a light and dark blue striped tie. Though he sits before her in a pair of red poka-dot boxers. “What? I had a video conference in Japan. You don’t need pants for a video call. You only need to look professional from the waist up.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “You’re a mess.”

“You love it. Why are you up so early?”

“I gotta get home. I haven’t seen Shawn since I left him with Melody yesterday.”

“Oh he’s here.”

“What?”

“Yeah, when you fell asleep during our Sex and the City marathon-not cool by the way- I went and brought him back here. He’s asleep in my office.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. I’m just glad he slept through my conference call.”

“You know you do a lot of business in Japan.”

“Gotta go where the economy is.”

“Wouldn’t that be China?”

“I do business there too, but there’s something about Japan that I love.”

“Ever thought of moving there? Instead of flying back and forth and doing conference calls at three in the morning.”

“I have. I have an apartment and everything over there and I was going to move there, but then I met this beautiful woman…”

“You stayed for me? Aidan, why would you do that? I’m not sure-”

“Relax,” he tells her and pulls her into his arms. “Short of a bad earthquake or tsunami or something, Japan will always be there. You won’t. If we don’t work out, it will still be there.” She leans into his embrace and enjoys the feel of having his arms wrapped around her. “So did you sleep well?”

“Yeah.” 

“Good. Anymore nightmares?”

“No.” she says softly.

“You ever thought of talking to somebody about those?”

She moves out of his arms and stares at him with heated eyes. “I don’t need a shrink.”

“Olivia, I just want you to get some help.”

“That’s what the NA meetings are for.”

“You can’t talk about your nightmares at NA meetings, Olivia. The fact that you’ve been to five already this week shows that. If they’re so bad that it’s making you feel like you want to use ag-”

“Ever stop to think maybe they were helping and that’s why I was going? And you’re following me now?”

“Actually, that was the fourth time I stood outside of an NA meeting with hot chocolate, hoping it was the right one. But then I realized that was stupid and a waste of time, so yeah. I had my driver follow you when you went yesterday. I just wanted to be able to surprise you. But anyway. We both know you’re not going to those meetings to talk about your drug problems.” She’s quiet and he watches her blink away tears. “You know, I have ears too. I’m not a professional or anything, but sometimes saying things out loud can help.”

“I don’t like to talk about that.”

“You’ve got to talk to someone, Livia. I can see them eating you alive.”

“They’ll go away. They always do.”

“Why don’t we find you a good psychologist. So that they won’t come back.”

“Psychologists just want to deem you unfit to be a parent and take your kids away.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I tried getting my job back after they fired me. They mandated that I see one. When Elliot fought me for custody, he testified against me.”

“I thought they were bound by doctor patient confidentiality?”

“Not when you’re a danger to yourself or others. Especially not when you’re considered a danger to your two year old.”

“Olivia, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. You weren’t there.”

“I still think you need to talk to someone.”

“I don’t like hospitals.”

“Ooook. You don’t have to go to a hospital to see a shrink. A lot of them have private offices and you can even have them come to you sometimes.”

“My dreams always start in the hospital. I wake up in a hospital bed with a hole in my chest and it’s bleeding. And then they take my kids. It used to be Kyle, lately it’s been Shawn. Or both. And, of course, Elliot is there because, well, they have to go to someone. And then there are the men. So many men. And they all stand there and watch while they pin me down. And-the look in Kyle’s eyes...”

“Olivia, that’s not real.”

“I know it’s not real! But when I wake up I can still feel them on me, and I can still see the look in Kyle’s eyes. I can still hear Shawn’s cries.”

“Olivia. look at me,” he commands and she turns tear-filled brown eyes towards him. “That won’t be you. That won’t ever be you.”

“That was me!”

“Not anymore. Not now, and never again. I won’t let it, and more importantly, you won’t.”

“But what if-”

“NO! That is not an option. Those kids belong with you. Losing them is just not an option, and it’s as simple as that.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“How can I not?”

She moves closer to him and touches her lips to his. “Don’t let me,” she whispers.

“Never,” he whispers back and pulls her into his arms. “Why don’t you head back to bed. I’ll make you some breakfast.”

She smiles at that. “Thanks, but can you come to bed with me?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”

“No, I mean, can you just hold me? I’m sorry, I’m just…”

“Olivia, I know. You haven’t been sleeping since Shawn was in the hospital. I’m guessing that’s also why you’ve kicked me out every night since then. Afraid that if you kept refusing me I’d run away. You probably didn’t want me to witness your insomnia either. I know, and yet here I am. That should tell you something.”

“That tells me everything.”

*

Aidan knocks on the door to Olivia’s apartment and waits for her to answer, but is surprised when he sees Melody instead with Shawn on her hip.

“Hello, Mr. Malone.”

“Hey,” he says as he walks into the apartment. “Is Olivia here?” he asks and reaches for Shawn. He smiles when Shawn smiles and goes into his arms willingly.

“Yeah, she’s in her room.”

He moves to head over to her room, but Melody stops him. “Oh no, Mr. Malone. Let me take Shawn.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“She’s sick, and she’s been trying to get some rest, but hasn’t been able to with the baby around, and if he sees her, he’s not going to want to be away from her. I just got him calm.”

“Oh, well here, let me go see how she’s doing.” He hands the baby back to Melody and heads down the hall to Olivia’s room. He knocks first, but she doesn’t answer. He opens the door slowly and listens to hear her protest. When no sound comes from the room, he enters and finds her asleep on the bed.

She looks like death.

Her skin is flushed and her nose is a rosey red. She breathes through her mouth and clutches a tissue in her hand.

“Livia?”

There is no movement. He walks over and sits on the side of her bed. He touches his hand to her forehead. She is burning up.

“Livia. You ok?”

“Hmm,” she hums, but she doesn’t open her eyes. 

“What are you taking?”

She doesn’t answer. He sees a bottle of Tylenol on her nightstand, but nothing else. “You sleep tight.” He kisses her forehead then leaves. 

*

A couple hours later Olivia awakes to the sound of Aidan entering her bedroom. His arms are laden with bags from their local CVS and Shawn dangles in a sling in front of him. His face lights up at the sight of her and his chubby legs flex up and down in excitement.

“What’s all this?”

“I went to the store to get you some stuff. You’re trying to fight off the flu with a bottle of Tylenol?”

“I don’t have the flu. Just a cold. Where did you get the sling?”

“Oh, I bought it when we were out. The sales lady even helped me with getting us all strapped up.”

“Bet she did,” she mutters before succumbing to a coughing fit. “Got any cough syrup in there?” 

“Yes, among other things.” He places the bags on her bed. “I got you some Robitussin; Simon said that was good.”

“You called Simon?”

“Yeah. I didn’t know what to get so I called him for some help. I didn’t know what you had so I got whatever they had in the store,” he says as he pulls out three different bottles of medicine from the bag. “I also got you some Nyquil and Dayquil. Vicks. A little Echinacea. A humidifier, some cough drops, a heating pad, some honey and tea. I didn’t know what kind of tea you were in the mood for so I just picked up one of whatever they had. Simon said that I should keep you hydrated so I also got you some ginger ale in case your stomach was hurting, but I know how much you love orange juice so I got some of that for you too. Oh and I also brought home some chicken noodle from that deli you like. I’ll get it for you in a minute after I feed Shawn. He’s been a trooper, but I don’t want to test him.”

The contents of the bags now cover her bed and she simply stares. First at him, then at the entire CVS pharmacy that now covers her bedspread, and finally back at him. Neither of them are expecting the tears that fill her eyes. 

“What, did I forget something? I can go back out.” 

She shakes her head and tries to blink away her tears. “Thank you,” she says hoarsely. “No one’s ever--” she swallows hard. “I’ve always had to do this alone.” 

He pushes aside some of the amenities and sits beside her on the bed. “You’re not alone anymore, Livia,” he tells her, then kisses the corner of her mouth.

“You’re going to get sick.”

“Kissing you is worth it. Besides, I couldn’t tell you the last time I was sick.”

*

“I’m sick,” he whines. 

Olivia sighs and puts down Shawn’s baby bag on the floor of his room. “I thought you didn’t get sick.”

“I don’t. That’s why I’m convinced I’m dying. I’m dying, Livia. This is how I die.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re not dying.”

“I am. This is what death feels like.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“Please take this pillow and just put me out of my misery,” he says holding up a pillow for her to take.

She takes the pillow and hits him over the head with it. Then she sits beside him on the bed, shifting Shawn from her hip to her lap.

“Ow!”

“What are you taking?” she asks looking at the bottle on his bedside table. “You’re going to need more than cough syrup to beat this. Lucky for you I brought a few things with me."

“Please tell me one of them is morphine… or a gun.”

“No, but don’t worry. I’ll have you feeling better in a minute.”

*

Later that night Olivia is awakened by the sound of Aidan’s snoring. He’s horribly congested and it’s affecting his breathing. She reaches for the Vicks and rubs a bit in her hand before spreading it on his chest and nose. She thinks back and remembers how he had done the same for her a few days before. She feels his forehead and while he’s warm, he’s not burning up so she lets him be. He’s under the full effects of the Nyquil and is resting peacefully, so there’s no reason to disturb him. She instead decides to check on Shawn.

Aidan’s office cum nursery is something that still surprises her. Since their last stay, he’s added a crib and matching changing table fully stocked with Shawn’s brand and size of diapers, along with baby powder and lotion as well as a couple extra onesies. An unopened box in the corner holds a bathtub and the pack and play full of toys sits in the living room. She hardly has to bring anything anymore whenever they stay over, which is rare, but still he’s made it so that they will be comfortable when they do. Shawn sleeps comfortably in his crib. She tucks the blanket around him and kisses her fingers and presses it into his golden curls. Behind her, Aidan’s desk is a mess. Papers are strewn about, covering his laptop, books lay here and there, pens are tossed all over. She picks up his books and places them back on his book shelf and tosses the Airhead wrappers in the trash. She places the pens and highlighters in the pen cup and stacks the papers. Then she comes across a set of blue prints. She can tell from the layout that it is a large shingle style house, and when she reads “Family Home” in the corner she picks it up and heads back into his room.

“Aidan,” she calls and shakes him. “Hey Aidan, what’s this?”

“Huh? Olivia, I’m trying to sleep.”

She gets back on her side of the bed. “What’s this?”

He rolls over and looks at what she is referring to. When he recognizes it he sits up quickly and attempts to snatch it out of her hand. “Olivia, you’re not supposed to see that.”

“What is it?”

“They’re blue prints for a house.”

“Well, I can see that, but you never told me you were building a house.”

“It’s not something I like to talk about.”

“Why?”

“Because…because I just don’t like to talk about it. Can I have my blue prints back please?”

“You drew these?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you were into architecture.”

“I’ve dabbled in it here and there. Nothing serious, just a hobby of mine.”

“This looks like it took a long time to draw. How long have you been working on this?”

“Years.”

“Years? Why so long?”

“Because it’s My Family Home, and every time I think it’s perfect I find something I don’t like about it.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing serious. Sometimes I feel I want it to be more modern and then I think it’s too modern and that’s not what I’m going for.”

“What are you going for?”

“I want it to be modern, but not too modern. I want it to have a homey feel to it and be comfortable. You know? I want it to feel lived in, not like it should be a part of a museum exhibit.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What?”

“I want you to tell me about it. Maybe I can help.” He looks at her nervously. “Show me,” she commands and hands him the blueprints.

He takes them from her hesitantly. “So it has five bedrooms and four and half baths. A finished basement. I’m thinking of adding a bar down there. Some pool tables. Or making it into another bedroom, I’m not sure.”

“I like the bar option. You can put a nice entertainment system down there and it can be a man cave/ rec room type thing. Good for hosting Super Bowl parties and the like.”

“Yeah, yeah I like that.”

“Well, it’s going to have this nice wrap around porch with a swing and a big yard in front. So you can sit there in the summer and watch the kids play and ride their bikes. Or just sit and watch the sun go down. Enjoy the breeze.”

“I like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Sounds nice. What else?”

“Well, the back is going to have a pool of course. I love to swim so it needs a pool. It’s my favorite sport you know.”

“I know,” she says and cuddles closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“I haven’t quite figured out what kind to get though. Something for the kids to play in, but also for me to get a good swim in when I need to.”

“A rectangle pool should be fine.”

“Rectangle pools are boring.”

“They don’t have to be. You can put colored lights in them, and add fountains or waterfalls and such. Oh, and a hot tub!”

“Yeah, but all that requires a lot of space and I want to put in a swing set, too.”

“Put the swing set to side or something. Like here,” she points to a space on the blue print. “Build the pool first. This is your dream house, it needs a pool. The kids can climb trees. You can even make a tire swing for them or something. Wait, where do you plan on putting this house?”

“I found some space in Pennsylvania. About forty acres or so.” 

“Wow, that’s a lot of space.”

“I know. I’m thinking of adding a guest house or something.”

“Guest houses aren’t homey. They’re kind of impersonal. Speaking of guests, what are you going to do with all those rooms?”

“Well, there will be the master bedroom with the bathroom attached. It’ll have both a stand up shower and a tub. Then two rooms for the kids and one guest room I guess and another downstairs. Each with their own bathroom.” 

“You should have the kids share one bathroom and put the half on the first floor. That way if you have people over for dinner or something you can keep everyone on one floor. You should also put one in the basement.”

“That’s a good idea. Talking to you actually is pretty helpful. What color do you think I should paint it?”

“Well, any color really if you want it to look modern, it just depends on the trim and style of house but I think yellow is a homey color.” 

“I don’t know about yellow. But I like the blue or grey. With white shutters and such.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice…Aidan, who is this house for?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is it-”

“No. No. Nothing like that. I’ve been building this house for years because I want it to have a certain look and feel. I grew up in a hospital room and the whole time there was nothing I wanted more than to be at home riding my bike. Scraping my knee without worrying about dying from infection or loss of blood. I want to mark my kids’ growth in the doorpost. I want to reminisce with them about how they got their scars from falling out some tree or nearly killing themselves on some dare not from the number of times they were stuck by needles for chemo treatments. This home is for my family. If you’re asking me if I mean you and Shawn, then I don’t know what to tell you because I can see us there. I can see Kyle on that tire swing and Shawn riding his bike in the front yard. I can see us sitting on a porch swing on warm summer evenings sipping iced tea and lemonade. I can see us late at night in that hot tub, but if you’re asking if I’m building this house for you, the answer is no. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to be us making those memories in this home.”

His eyes hold hers and she can see how serious he is. She looks at the blue prints he holds in his hands, and damn it she can see them there too, but she’s not sure if that’s where they belong. “I can see us there too...but-”

“No,” he cuts her off. “No ‘buts.’”

“But Aidan-”

“Look, I’m not saying this means anything other than the fact that you can see us going somewhere and I like that. I like the fact that this relationship is actually going somewhere and we’re not just messing around.”

“But I’m not sure when I will be ready for that, or if I ever will be.”

“You will be one day, but there’s no rush in getting there. Nothing has to change right now. Where we are is where we should be. We’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Alright. Tell me more about the house.”

“Actually, I’m kind of tired. Mind if we just go back to bed?”

“Sure. Let’s go to bed.”

They snuggle down under the covers and Aidan pulls her closer to him. His muscular arm falls over her waist and he tucks her into his large warm body, her back pressed against his hard, broad chest. He kisses her neck and then it’s not long before she can hear his soft snoring. She likes to think that she can get used to this. That she can make falling asleep in his arms a part of her nightly routine, but she’s scared of what that will entail. There are walls that he’s breaking down left and right, but still there are a few that she will have to take down herself, and she is not ready for that. She cannot let down her defenses and be vulnerable for him when there is so much at stake. But she wants that house. She wants summer evenings on that swing and in his arms. Winter mornings building snow men and making snow angels and having snowball fights, then going in for hot chocolate by the fire just to get warm enough to do it all over again. She can see Shawn riding a red tricycle outside and Kyle on the tire swing. She can imagine reading them books in the hammock and collecting different colored leaves in the fall. She can hear the stories he would whisper into her ear as they gaze up at the stars. She can picture it all. But she is not ready. So tonight, she will lay in his arms and enjoy his warmth and dream about a future she won’t let them have.


	11. Christmas

Chapter 11- Christmas

“So, what do you want to do next?” Elliot asks Casey as he swings their gloved hands. 

“I want to drink my cider without getting burned,” she says as she tries to balance the Styrofoam cup in her other hand. Cider spills out the lid and she sips it up before it can run down into her glove. 

“C’mon, what’s next?” he asks.

The Winter Wonderland Fair is abuzz with life. Children zoom past them in an effort to get to the spinning cocoa cups. Other couples stand in line for the ferris wheel, but they’ve already been on that ride. “How about we make a snow globe, or maybe an ornament for the tree?”

“I want to do something a bit more active. It’s cold out here. How about some skee ball?”

“I suck at skee ball.”

“Well, I don’t. I can play and you can sip your cider. Then we can go home and really do something that will warm us both up,” he winks at her.

The blush climbs her neck before the smile reaches her lips. “Fine, but we’re making an ornament first.”

“Fine. No glitter though.”

“Oh there will be glitter, and lots of it.”

“No, Case. It will fall everywhere and get all over the house and no one will take me seriously when I’m trying to give orders with glitter in my hair.”

“That’s just too bad. Because I’m putting extra glitter on mine. Kyle will love it.”

“We’ll see about that.” 

They walk hand in hand towards the skee ball stall when Elliot comes to a sudden stop. She looks around to see what is the matter when she spots her. A large smile on her face and a large stuffed polar bear encased in her gloved hands and suddenly skee ball has been forgotten as Elliot alters his course and heads in their direction.

“Elliot,” she stops and pulls his arm. “Let’s just go play skee ball.”

“We should say hi.”

“No. We shouldn’t.” 

“C’mon. Just a quick hi,” and he’s off, pulling her behind him.

“Olivia!” he calls, and she pauses and searches the crowd. Her smile fades when she finally spots him. “Hey,” he smiles.

“Elliot. Casey,” she nods when she sees her.

“What are you doing here?”

“It’s a fair, Elliot.”

“I know, you here alone?”

At that moment Aidan sidles up beside her. Shawn dangles in front of him, encased in a dark blue snowsuit and he smiles at her with piercing ice blue eyes. He hands her a Styrofoam cup. “Hot chocolate for my lady.”

“Thank you.”

“Malone,” Elliot nods. 

“Stabler,” he nods back.

The four stand and stare at each other awkwardly. Shawn flaps his arms and legs and babbles happily.

“So um. Where did you win that?” Elliot nods towards the bear.

“The shooting range they have over there,” Aidan answers.

“I didn’t know you shoot.”

“Here and there. Some of the men I do business with like to hunt, but she’s the one that won the bear.”

“Really. You let her beat you?”

“We weren’t--”

“Like I wouldn’t wipe the floor with you.” Olivia snarks.

“Competing--”Aidan finishes, but Elliot doesn’t hear him.

“Please. I was always the better shot out of the two of us.”

“Maybe in your dreams.”

“Alright. Put your money where your mouth is. Where’s the booth?”

“Over there, but I’m not competing with you. We’re going to make ornaments for our tree.”

Well, there goes that idea, Casey thinks.

“Chicken?”

“Please.”

“I think you should play him,” Aidan interjects.

“See, your boy toy isn’t afraid of a little competition, even though he’s not even the one competing.”

“I have nothing to prove, but clearly you do.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything. Just thought a little friendly competition would make this night more interesting.”

“Alright,” Olivia agrees.

They all head over to the shooting range. “Moneybags, make yourself useful and pay the man.” Aidan rolls his eyes and hands the young stall vender a twenty. “Best of three?” Elliot asks her.

“Sure. I don’t need three turns, but I can understand if you’re a bit rusty.”

The vender hands them each a BB gun.

“Ok. Object of the game is simple. Hit the moving penguin. You each get one minute. The person who hits the most penguins wins. Hit more than twenty penguins and you win a bear. Who’s up first?”

“We’ll do the best of three. Ladies first,” Elliot offers.

“I guess that means it’s your turn,” Olivia snarks back.

The vender starts the timer and Elliot takes his turn. 

A few feet back, Aidan and Casey watch while Shawn babbles on. She turns to the baby hanging from Aidan’s chest. “You are such a cutie,” she smiles and waves his little hand, and Shawn smiles at her.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Aidan warns. “Not when Mama Bear is holding a BB gun and I’m sure you know is a pretty good shot.”

Casey pauses and glances at the woman. Her focus is on the game in front of her. She watches as Elliot shoots down penguin after penguin with relatively little effort. Casey decides to heed the warning because she knows, ADA or no ADA, there’s a pretty good chance that Olivia will shoot her, and between her knowledge of the law and Aidan’s money and connections it would be too easy for her to plead intentionally shooting her in the ass with a BB gun down to a misdemeanor. “You think she’ll ever forgive me?”

Aidan thinks for a moment. “No.” 

“I miss her, you know. We were pretty good friends back then.”

“I know. She’s told me about it.”

“So doesn’t that mean something? How long is she going to hold this grudge?!”

“You know Olivia, Casey. You know that she doesn’t trust easily. I fight with her everyday to let her guard down and trust in me and, while we’ve made progress, I know she still doesn’t fully trust me yet. And I understand it’s something that’s just going to take some time. But she trusted you. She trusted you enough to call you her best friend and make you her daughter’s Godmother, and you betrayed her trust.”

“She went chasing after a suspect and almost got her daughter killed. What would you have done if you were me?”

“My senior year at Georgetown my best friend and roommate got caught cheating and was subsequently kicked out of school. He was paying one of the TAs to give him the answers to the tests in this ECON class we were taking. I was pissed. I was considered guilty by association. Got pulled into the Dean’s office and grilled about possibly cheating since I was doing so well in the class. Almost got kicked out with him. I was so mad. I wanted to lay into him first because he never offered to share,” Aidan jokes and Casey smiles. “And second, because I had worked hard in that class. I had made a name for myself there as a good student and then to have it all tarnished because of his stupidity. But most of all, because he was leaving me to finish senior year without my best friend. He was my roommate since freshman year. That’s how we met. We rowed crew together. Won a first place at Head of the Charles. We were supposed to start our own business together and now he wasn’t even going to graduate. I was so pissed at him…But I couldn’t yell at him. I couldn’t berate him, because I knew there was nothing that I could say to him that would make him feel worse than he already did. He had been struggling with the class and was too embarrassed to ask me for help. He was one of those kids where everything came easy for him. He was smart and he came from money. He was a legacy student. His family had names on buildings. He was under so much pressure to be great and carry on the family name. He didn’t feel like he could ask for help. He felt that his family would think less of him if he did and now he had to go back to that family and tell them he had been kicked out of school. He needed me. So I helped him pack his things and then I drove him home to his parents’ mansion in Hartford. I sat beside him at his dinner table, a table where I had shared so many holiday dinners when I didn’t feel like going home, and I supported him when he told his parents. I defended him as much as I could and then I hugged him goodbye and went back to school, but I never stopped being his friend. Not when he turned to drugs. Not when he went to rehab. Not when he gave up on his life. I stuck by him and eventually he pulled himself together. Went on to graduate from Yale and then got his Masters at Harvard Business school. We’re still friends to this day.” He looks at Casey then. “She needed you. She was walking around with a hole in her chest both literally and figuratively and she had just lost what was pretty much the only family she ever really had. She needed a shoulder to cry on. A place to stay. Food to eat. She needed a friend and you left her out in the cold. You took sides against her and then you moved in with her husband and took her child.”

“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t just jump into bed with him.”

“It doesn’t matter. You turned your back on her when she needed you the most. In her eyes, you used her disadvantage to your advantage and there’s no forgiving that.”

She nods. She’s wished many times that she could go back and change things. She would have been there. She wouldn’t have fallen in love with Elliot. She would have been the friend that Olivia needed, but mistakes of the past can’t be changed. They can only be learned from. She watches Olivia take her turn and glances at Elliot. His eyes never leave her form. “You ever wonder if you have something to worry about with those two?”

Aidan stares and Elliot’s obvious staring isn’t lost on him, but Olivia quickly glances back at him and winks as the attendant hands her another large white stuffed bear. He smirks. “No, but you do.”

*

Elliot jogs quickly through the hallways of St. Anne’s school. He reaches the auditorium and quickly scans the crowd for Casey. He spots her waving at him. He walks briskly down the aisle and slinks into the seat she saved for him, grateful that she managed to save him an aisle seat. 

“It’s about time!” she whispers harshly.

“Sorry, but there was a small incident at the station.”

“Incident. What kind of incident?”

“McClusky’s wife found out about his second family. And his third.” 

“What? Third?”

“Yup. Wives two and three were none too pleased either and each of them wanted a piece of him. Then they turned on each other. It was a mess. Christmas should be interesting over there. I still have to go back and write up the report. Three wives. I don’t understand. I could barely handle one. So glad I’m not him. I don’t know what I would do with another wife.” Casey visibly deflates. “What did I miss?”

“Just about the whole thing. You missed Oh, Holy Night, We Three Kings, the Little Drummer Boy, But Kyle’s part is coming up. She’s going to sing Silent Night with the rest of the angels.”

“Oh good. Where is she? I can barely see from here.”

“Well, I would have gotten better seats, but I figured this one would be easy for you to sneak into. She’s there over to the left,” Casey points and he looks in the direction she points him to. He spots Kyle and she is beautiful and angelic in her costume. He scans the room at all the parents with their cameras out and wonders where his is. “Case, where’s the camera?”

“You didn’t put the battery on the charger last night like I told you to.”

“So why didn’t you buy one?”

“Because I have a job, and I had to cut across rush hour traffic to pick her up, get her home and changed into her costume, and then back here by six.” 

“We should have this on tape.”

“Well, next time I tell you to charge the battery you should plug it in instead of stuffing your face with pizza. Just use your phone like everyone else.”

He scans the room at all the other parents and can’t help but feel like a shit father. Not only did the other parents get here on time, they also managed to bring a camera, though some have opted to use their phones. His eyes scan the room and they stop when he sees her. And yes it’s only the back of her head but he knows that head, and she’s with him, and he has a camera, and he can feel his heart rate increase and his temper boil. 

He never takes his eyes off of her. 

He watches her stand and clap when the play is finished. 

He watches her exit the aisle. 

He watches her hug their daughter and he heads towards her.

“Did you see me, Mommy?” Kyle asks her.

“I did, and you were wonderful! By far the most beautiful angel I have ever seen.”

“Thank you.”

“I have somebody I want you to meet. This is my friend Aidan.”

“Hi,” Kyle waves.

“Hello.”

Aidan stoops down to her level and hands her a mall bouquet of light pink roses and a matching teddy bear. “For the young actress. You did a great job in your play.”

“Thank you,” Kyle smiles.

“Olivia,” Elliot says and watches as the smile immediately disappears from her face. 

“Elliot,” she replies.

“What are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

She hands Shawn over to Aidan. “Kyle, why don’t you go get some cookies with Aidan so Mommy can talk to Daddy.”

“Casey, go with them,” Elliot barks. He does not trust that man being alone with his daughter. Even if it is in a crowded room.

“It’s a school play. Family and friends were invited,” Olivia answers once Kyle is out of earshot.

“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me you were coming or that you were bringing him. I thought we were going to talk about him meeting Kyle.”

“I never agreed to that.”

“Well, don’t you think it’s a conversation that we should have had? I mean, I don’t even know him!”

“That’s your problem, Elliot. We’re serious and I want him to meet Kyle.”

“You should have talked to me first.”

“Why? So we can get into yet another fight?”

“I deserve to know who you’re bringing into my daughter’s life.”

“My dating Aidan has been no secret to you. You had to have known this day was coming.”

“You just started seeing him the other day! How serious can this be?”

“Serious enough for him to meet my daughter and spend the holidays with us.”

“Wait, the holidays? No. We never discussed you getting her for Christmas.”

“You had her for Thanksgiving, that means I get her for Christmas. It’s in our visitation agreement.” 

“We were fighting during Thanksgiving; that doesn’t count.”

“My lawyer says it does and I’m sure a judge would be inclined to agree.”

“Well, maybe we can do some kind of joint Christmas thing, or something.”

“Sorry, no.”

“It’s Christmas. I’ve never missed a Christmas with her.”

“I’m sorry, but we’re going to the Poconos for Christmas and you’re not invited, just like I wasn’t invited for Thanksgiving.”

“C’mon. You’re being petty.”

“No, I’m not. This is my first Christmas with Kyle in years and I don’t want you there to ruin it.”

“How would I ruin it?”

“By being you.” 

“What if I-”

“No.”

“Fine. But you’re not taking her out of state. Not without my permission. And you sure as hell are not having her share a hotel room with him.”

“Try and stop me.”

“You try to take her out of this state and there will be patrol cars waiting for you at the border, and they will arrest you and your little boy toy for kidnapping.”

“Do it and you can kiss your job and your pension goodbye. There is nothing in our agreement that says I can’t take her with me. I had my lawyer check.”

“You’re being petty.”

“No, I’m not. I just want a nice quiet Christmas with my kids and my boyfriend. Having you around would just ruin that.”

“You know, you’re such a fucking hypocrite. You keep trying to encroach on our life with Kyle, but you don’t want me to be a part of yours. I mean, what are you even doing here? How did you even know about this?”

“I helped put it together.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I joined the PTA and we helped put the play together.”

“You joined the PTA? Are you kidding me Olivia? You’re not-”

“What? Her mother? Last time I checked I was.”

“Olivia, here, Casey’s her mother. She’s the one that’s-”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit!” And her outburst has earned them the attention of every eye in the room.

“Excuse me?”

“I am so sick and tired of you trying to convince me and every one else that Casey is Kyle’s mother, and she’s not. Kyle has one mother and that’s me.”

“Well, the three years that you were off whoring yourself out on the street and shooting God knows what into your veins, Casey was here-”

“Excuse me, what did you just say to her?” Aidan cuts in.

“Get lost, Money Bags. This is between me and her.”

“You stupid sonofa-”

“Aidan, it’s ok.”

“But he can’t-”

“I know. Go over there with Kyle. I got this.”

She watches him go then turns back to Elliot. “ I am so tired of this ‘you need to respect Casey as Kyle’s mother bullshit!’ You can shove Casey down everyone’s throat and try to pretend and make them believe that she’s Kyle’s mother, but that is not going to change the fact that she’s not and she’s never going to be. Kyle looks like me. Not Casey, and you may have forgotten, but I was the one who carried her inside me for 32 weeks. I was the one who went to appointments by myself while you were at work! I was there week after week getting poked and prodded and having blood drawn! I’m the one that almost died giving birth to her and I’m the one that has the scar to prove it! Not you, and for damn sure not Casey!!! I took six months off of work to stay at home with her. I stayed up with her night after night when she had colic. I drove her around the block at 4AM when it was the only way to get her to sleep because you had to work the next morning. Me. Just because you kept her from me and put Casey in my place doesn’t make Casey her mother! She has my blood flowing through her veins and it’s my name that is listed on her birth certificate not Casey’s! And three years ago I took a bullet to protect MY daughter. Not you and sure as hell not Casey!!! I’m taking Kyle with me, you’ll have her back on New Year’s eve. You have any problems with that, you can take it up with my lawyer.” 

The room has come to a standstill as everyone watches from their various positions. She takes Kyle by the hand and walks out the room with Aidan by her side. 

He turns to look at Casey and she shakes her head and hurries off in the opposite direction. “Casey, wait!” he calls and chases after her. He reaches her when she comes to a stop outside the back of the school. “Casey, I’m so sorry.”

“Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was!”

“I know. I didn’t mean-”

“Did you have to pick a fight with her in the middle of the auditorium in front of everybody?! You couldn’t have waited until we left?” He simply stares because he does not have the words at the moment to make this right. “And what’s worse is she’s right.”

“Casey don’t say that. You’re Kyle’s mother too. She calls you Mommy.”

“No. I’m not. She grows closer and closer to Olivia everyday and I can’t fight that. I can’t compete with the fact that Olivia is her real mom. The other day she called me Casey.”

“I’ll talk to her about it.”

“No, don’t. You can’t force her to see me as her mother. Olivia is right. Kyle is her daughter. Everything about that little girl screams Olivia Benson. They have a bond that I will never have and never understand. I mean she grew inside her for God’s sake! How do I compete with that?!”

Elliot simply stares, because again, he does not know what to say. Kyle has her mother’s spunk, her smile. Her stubbornness. Her compassion. Her tenacity. Her beauty. Kyle is Olivia Benson’s daughter. There is no arguing with that.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What? Yes you can. You don’t have to be blood related to form a mother/daughter bond with Kyle. There are plenty of-”

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Then what exactly are you talking about? What can’t you do anymore?”

“This. Us. You approached her in there because you were jealous.”

“I was not-”

“You were. Ever since she came back into our lives I’ve watched you fall in love with her all over again. Now that I think about it, I don’t think you ever fell out of love with her. You divorced her because you were angry at her. Not because you stopped loving her.”

“That’s not true!”

“It is, and anybody with eyes can see that. I see the way that you look at her. How jealous you are that she’s finally moving on. The fact that deep down inside you know that Shawn is not yours, but cling onto the possibility that he might be because you want to have that added connection to her. As if Kyle isn’t enough.”

“Casey, I-”

“Don’t try to deny it. Not when it’s so obvious. I mean, we’re not even going anywhere.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t miss what you said in there. It’s been three years and you’ve never once mentioned marriage.”

“I thought things were going well. I didn’t see a reason to change anything. I thought we were both happy.”

“Well, I’m not. And I haven’t been for a long time.”

“Is this because of Olivia?”

“No. It’s because of you and me!” 

“So what, it’s over? Just like that? Three years down the drain because you’re feeling insecure?!”

She walks up to him and kisses his cheek. “Goodbye, Elliot.”

“No! This is not over! Please Casey, don’t leave me.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

She stares at him with sad, tear-filled eyes. “Because loving you is killing me.”

*

Olivia readjusts Shawn on her hip as they enter the dining room and takes Kyle’s hand in hers. 

“There he is,” Aidan says and nods towards a table where an older couple sits.

“One hour,” she says for what she knows is the millionth time, but she wants him to know that she is serious. This is going to be a family vacation, despite whatever plans he may have. He’s been a sport about it all. He arranged for a sitter for Shawn while the rest took to the bunny hill to teach Kyle to ski, and while hesitant at first, Kyle not only took to the sport, but to him as well. They had finished the day with a nice dinner and hot cocoa back in the room by the fire while decorating the tree and hanging stockings. Still. She knows him. She knows that despite how great he has been, his main focus this trip has been work. 

“One hour,” he agrees, then leads them toward the table. “Mr. Hemmingway, Mrs. Hemmingway,” Aidan greets and shakes each of their hands. 

“Please, call me Martha,” the woman smiles charmingly.

“And call me Tom, and who’s this beautiful young woman here?” He asks, nodding to Olivia.

“Excuse my manners. This is my girlfriend Olivia and Shawn right there on her hip and the pretty little lady there is Kyle.”

“Beautiful! Just Beautiful! You never told me you had a family.”

“Oh, well, I’m not one to really discuss my personal life.”

“Understandably. In this business the less some people know...”

“Agreed.”

“Why don’t you sit and join us?”

“Are you sure? We wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Nonsense,” Martha waves him off and pulls out the chair beside her. “Why don’t you come and sit next to me?” she smiles warmly at Kyle. Kyle looks at Olivia for affirmation, and when she nods, happily sits beside the older woman.

Aidan helps Olivia get seated before taking a seat himself, not missing the eyebrow she gives him. A waitress comes over with a placemat for Kyle and some crayons and Olivia orders an array of items for all of them. Martha fawns over Kyle as she helps her complete the various activities on the placemat while Aidan gets to work on making good use of the 57 minutes he has left. 

“How old is she?” Martha asks.

“Oh she’s five,” Olivia answers.

“Just five? She’s so bright.”

“Thank you.”

“And gorgeous. Have you ever thought of having her model? They would just LOVE her in Paris.”

“No. I just want her to have a normal childhood, you know?”

“Yes, I do.”

Their food arrives and Martha helps Kyle cut up her pancakes while Olivia butters Aidan’s toast and pushes it in front of him, along with his eggs and bacon. She sets Shawn up with a bottle while she goes to town on her Belgian waffles and fruit.

“May I?” Martha asks nodding towards Shawn.

“Oh, sure,” Olivia agrees and hands Shawn over to the woman. She takes over the feeding process and Olivia watches the way she admires Shawn. She kisses the top of his head with his bountiful curls and pauses for a moment with her eyes closed taking in the sweet smell of him. 

“He’s such a sweet baby,” Martha murmurs.

“He is,” she says smiling at him, though he is distracted by the faces that Martha is currently making at him. “Do you have kids?” 

“Oh no. Tom and I never thought we would be good parents. He was so invested in his business and we both loved to travel. We never thought we would be around enough to properly parent a child so we decided not to have any. A decision, I’m sad to say, I regret now. It would be nice to have some grand kids to spoil now that we’re finally starting to slow down.”

Olivia nods in understanding. “But you must have so many stories to tell about your adventures. What’s your favorite city?”

“Oh we’ve been to so many, it’s hard to chose, but there’s just something about Paris.” 

“Yes, it is a beautiful city.”

“You’ve been?”

“I studied abroad in Spain and whenever we had the time, we would take the train over. I hope to take her someday.”

“Oh, she would love it.”

“I think so, too.”

“How long are you guys here for?”

“Oh we’re leaving the 28th.”

“Right before New Years?”

“Yeah, we want to spend New Years in New York.”

“Oh, well that sounds nice. Is that where you guys are from?”

“Yes.”

“Another beautiful city.”

“It is.”

“Livia,” Aidan calls. 

She knows from his tone that she is not going to like what he has to say.

“Tom just invited me to look at some land he plans on purchasing and wants to know my opinion.” 

“Oh, you two go. Have a boys day. Olivia and I will go up to the spa and make a day of it, my treat.”

“Oh Martha, that’s not necessary.”

“Nonsense. It will give me a chance to spend more time getting to know you guys.” Olivia catches the way her eyes stare adoringly at her children and knows that this time would mean more to her than it does to Aidan, and as much as she would like to say no, she is somewhat in the Christmas spirit.

“You know, a spa day does sound great. Except it will be Aidan and my treat. You already let us join you for breakfast. It’s the least we can do,” she says and looks pointedly at Aidan.

“Yes, have them charge it to the room. We’ll meet you guys for lunch?”

“Sounds good,” she smiles sweetly. 

*

Olivia stares at the screen of her laptop as she reads about what is going on in the world, along with her newfound guilty pleasure: TMZ. The kids are napping and the room is quiet, leaving her to her own distractions. She scans through the latest about Kim Kardashian and Lindsey Lohan. Something about Hugh Jackman and Justin Bieber when she hears the door beep and quickly closes the Safari tab and opens one with the New York Times. Aidan walks in and kisses her quickly.

“What are you up to? More TMZ?” he asks.

“What are you talking about?”

“Please. That fake New York Times screen isn’t fooling anybody. You should clear your history next time you use my laptop. You know these Macs save everything you do, and thanks to you I now read it too. But we must never tell a soul.”

“Agreed.”

“Anything good?” 

“No, not really. Kim might be buying a place not too far from you.” 

“Great. There goes the neighborhood.” 

“So, where have you been? You were supposed to meet us for lunch oh about four hours ago.”

“I know. I’m sorry. After he showed my the property we went down to this Casino and got a bit carried away.”

“How much did you lose?”

“Not much. About twenty grand.”

“And how much would you have won had you not thrown the game?”

He smiles because she knows him so well. “About three times that.”

“So, did it work?”

“Yes, but…Have I told you how beautiful you are today?”

“Oh boy. I’m not going to like this am I?” She closes the laptop and puts it on the coffee table in front of them.

“This deal is in tandem with another that I have been working on for over a year now. I now have twenty-four hours to make this work and I can’t do it from here.”

“Aidan, it’s Christmas Eve.”

“I know, and I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

She only glares at him. “We were supposed to play Santa tonight after the kids went to bed.”

He kisses her chastely on the lips. “I know.”

“I bought an outfit and everything,” she pouts, holding the edges of his collar.

“Outfit?”

“Little red number. Leaving very very little to the imagination. I was going to be Santa’s naughty helper.”

“Oh. Livia, please don’t do this to me.”

“I can try it on if you’d like.”

“Olivia, this deal is worth a ton of money. I have to go…”

He looks at her seriously and she visibly deflates. “Fine. Go.”

“I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

“Sure.”

She watches him scurry around the room as he packs away his things and kisses him goodbye when he finally leaves their room.

*

Olivia snuggles deeper into the soft comfort that is the hotel sheets and blankets. She desperately attempts to get more sleep, while Shawn babbles away to himself, but something doesn’t feel quiet right. She opens one eye and sees two blue ones looking back at her.

“Mommy, is it Christmas yet?”

“No. Not yet,” she mumbles. “Five more minutes.”

“But Santa came. He drank the milk and ate the cookies we left. I checked.”

Olivia glances at the clock beside her bed. It’s not quite seven. “Five more minutes.”

“But Mooooommmmyyyy.”

She sighs. “Fine. I’m up. Let me brush my teeth and change your brother and I’ll be right out.”

“Yay!” she exclaims excitedly and rushes out to the living room to shake her presents.

Olivia quickly washes her face and brushes her teeth before lifting Shawn from the pack and play and heading out to the living room. She places a couple quick calls while she changes his diaper then turns her attention to Kyle as she gives Shawn his breakfast. Kyle rips vigorously through each present, loving each and every one of them. From the new games for her Gameboy to the American Girl doll. Her eyes had lit up with pure delight at the first sight of her and Olivia can’t wait to read her the accompanying books she got her for bedtime and the lunches they will have at the store downtown.

There’s a knock at the door and Olivia heads over to answer it, grabbing some cash along the way to tip the maître d with their breakfast. However, it is not the maître d on the other side of the door, and she is not happy to see him.

“Elliot, what are you doing here?!”

“Liv, it’s Christmas. I just want to spend it with my daughter.”

“No! It’s my holiday with her.” 

“I know, and I just want a few minutes with her. I just want to see her open the presents I got her.”

“You can do that on New Years Eve when I bring her back to you,” she moves to close the door, but he blocks her from closing it.

“Olivia c’mo-”

“Daddy?” Kyle questions coming around the corner. She spots him in the doorway and her eyes light up with glee. “Daddy!” she exclaims and rushes towards him.

Olivia sighs because she knows she has just been defeated. She opens the door and allows him in just in time for Kyle to jump into his arms. 

And so begins her Christmas.

*

Elliot sits on the floor and aids Kyle with accessorizing her new doll, which really consists of Kyle riding around the room on the new bike he has bought her while he tries to cut free the doll’s clothes and accessorizes. Olivia sits in her room, dialing Aidan for the seventh time that morning. She’s already left a message and a text wishing him Merry Christmas, but has not heard back all day. She sighs and decides to give in and salvage what’s left of the Christmas day.

“Trouble in paradise?” Elliot asks from his position on the floor.

“No, just…No.”

“I thought you and Mr. Moneybags were supposed to be celebrating together.”

“We were, but…he had to work.”

“It happens. You worked on Kyle’s first Christmas remember?”

She remembers. She remembers the sheer look of panic in the woman’s eyes, so terrified that she could barely explain how her daughter had disappeared in the last-minute-Christmas-shopping-rush. She’d spent the next seven days partially sedated and virtually useless, but Olivia had felt her pain. So she had carried on, leaving no stone unturned until she found four year old Chelsea Dwyer. It wasn’t until New Years Day when she stumbled across the recording of the mall’s Santa Claus and found her tied up in his basement. Chelsea had snuck away from her mom when she spotted Santa on his break in the food court and no one was any the wiser when Santa had snuck out the back, careful of any cameras, with little Chelsea in his duffle bag. That Christmas, Chelsea had lost more than her belief in Santa Claus and Olivia never forgave herself for not finding her sooner. 

“Yeah,” she answers. “I remember that it was the beginning of the end of our marriage.”

Elliot looks at her, but doesn’t say anything else. 

“Speaking of which. Where’s Casey?”

“We were supposed to go to her parents’ place this year, but I wanted to spend the day with Kyle so she went without me.”

There’s a knock on the door and Olivia gets off the couch to answer it. She’s surprised by the young girl she finds on the other side of it.

“Hi I’m Joey. Your sitter for the night.”

“Sitter? I didn’t hire a sitter for tonight.”

“Oh? A lot of parents get sitters for tonight. It’s the hotel’s annual Christmas Ball. We look forward to it all year since the hotel pays so well. It’s a major pay day.” The teen babbles on and pulls out a folded piece of paper from her back pocket. “Says here that a Mr. Malone ordered a sitter for tonight’s Christmas ball. For a…Kyle, 5 years and Shawn 6 months. He also ordered dinner for the five year old.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, but we’re not going to be needing your services anymore.”

The teen visibly deflates. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Actually Liv, maybe we should go.”

“No Elliot, that’s ok.”

He pulls her aside. “It’s been a good day right? What’s a little dinner and dancing.” 

“You don’t even have anything to wear.”

“I can run out and get something. A hotel like this must have some options available.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” 

“Olivia, look at her. She’s been looking forward to this for weeks.” 

Olivia glances at the girl and the look of pure hope and desperation on her youthful face seals her fate. “Give me an hour.”

*

Olivia lifts the last piece of her chocolate mouse cheesecake to her lips and takes a bite. She wants to tell Aidan how good it tastes, but he still hasn’t returned any of her calls or texts. She glances at her phone one more time to verify that she has not missed any notifications. She does have service and her battery is above fifty percent. She presses the home button on her iPhone and a picture of her children stares back at her. All of the above is verified and she places the phone back down.

“No word yet?” Elliot asks. 

He looks diviner in his rented tux and bow tie. “No,” she replies.

“The cheesecake was good.”

“Yeah,” she replies absentmindedly.

He wipes his mouth with his napkin then tosses it on the table and stands. She’s surprised when he holds out a hand to her. “Let’s dance.”

There are more than a few couples out on the floor. Enjoying the night. Having a good time, and while she would love to join them, her heart really just isn’t in the mood. He’s not the one that she wants to dance the night away with. “I’m ok. I think I’m just going to head back to the room and go to bed.”

“One dance. Please.”

She sighs and places her hand in his and allows him to help her up and lead her to the dance floor. They find a space and he places one hand in hers and the other on her back. Calloused fingers caress the smooth skin left bare by the high neck, long sleeved, royal blue sequined dress. She had looked stunning when she stepped into the living room earlier that night. Her hair and makeup done to perfection. He had never been more proud than when he stepped into the dinning room with her on his arm.

“Tonight was nice right?” he asks.

“Yeah, it was nice.”

“You’ve been kind of aloof all day.”

“What did you expect? You’d show up unannounced and I’d pretend that the last three years didn’t happen just because it’s Christmas?”

“No, I just-I just wanted to have a good day with you. Because it was Christmas. I thought that maybe we could not fight for one day and pretend to be the parents that our daughter deserves.”

“It was my first Christmas with my daughter in years and you intruded on that.”

“You’re right. I should have asked you about coming here first. I just figured you would have said no.”

She smiles. “I would have.”

“You think it was a good day? For her I mean. You think she was happy today?”

“Yeah. I think she was happy.”  
“She never had that you know? Christmas with both of us. Maureen said she used to love it as a kid because it was the one day we were all home and there was something special about it. I wanted that for Kyle.”

She looks at him. Really looks at him and realizes that he is being sincere. It’s strange to see this side of him. “You’re a really good father you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re an ass, but you’re a good father.”

“Thanks, I guess.” The music changes and she doesn’t pull away. He lets his arm slide farther down her back and he continues to hold her close. “This is nice.”

“What?”

“Us. Being like this.”

“Elliot-”

“No. I mean this is the longest we’ve gone without fighting.”

“Yes, because you’re an ass.”

“You think it’s easy for me Liv? Seeing you with him.”

“You think it’s easy for me seeing you with Casey? Having Kyle call her Mommy.”

“My point is it’s hard watching you move on without me. I thought you were the one.”

“Me too.”

“Where did we go wrong?”

“I don’t know, El.”

“Do you ever regret it?”

“Do you? You’re making it seem like it was my fault. You served me with divorce papers. While I was in the hospital nursing a bullet wound!”

“I was angry. I was so so angry. I went back to the church and spent a lot of time with my priest. It took me a long time to find peace, and when I finally did. Yeah, I regretted it.”

“I deserved better from you, Elliot.”

“You did and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that to you.”

“Thank you.” 

“So where’s Mr. Money Bags?

“Something came up last minute and he had to work.”

“I was hoping to finally spend some time with him. Get to know the guy that’s going to be around my daughter.”

“It was a very big business deal for him, so he had to go.”

“He chose work over spending time with you. If you ask me he made the wrong choice.”

She says nothing for a minute then finally responds. “Thank you.”

“No problem. I hope you don’t let him get away with it. You deserve better.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“He might not be perfect, but he’s good to me, and I’m no prize either.”

He pauses their movements and looks her dead in the eyes. “Olivia, don’t let your past get in the way of what you deserve. You’re a great woman. He should have stayed. Money isn’t everything.”

“Thank you,” she replies and hugs him.

He’s forgotten just how good it feels to hold her and he’s lost in the smell of her. She pulls away and his lips touch her mouth. She pulls away and rests her forehead against his. 

“This isn’t a good idea. I’m going to head back to the room.” 

“Mind if I spend the night?” 

“Are you kidding me?!”

“On the couch I mean. I’ll be gone in the morning. Promise.”

“Fine. But you’re out by 8AM.”

“Thanks.”

As he takes her hand and escorts her back to her room, neither notice the blue eyes that burn green with envy.


	12. Maybe

Chapter 12-Maybe

Days have passed and she still has not heard from him, and she cannot figure out why. She knows he would have told her if he had to go out of town, and it wasn’t like him not to respond to her calls. She decides to swing by his office after dropping Kyle back off at Elliot’s. She makes a quick stop and picks up lunch for the two of them then heads over to his office. 

“Good Afternoon, welcome to Malone Corp.” the receptionist smiles when Olivia steps off the elevator.

“Good Afternoon, is Aidan available?”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No, I’m his girlfriend, Olivia.”

“Oh, well let me see if he has a break. He’s been in meetings all day.” Olivia waits while she places a quick phone call through her head set. “Mr. Malone I have Olivia here to see you…yes…yes…very well Mr. Malone.” She turns her attention back to Olivia and smiles awkwardly. “He’s very busy, and can’t come out.”

“Well, can I talk to him? I just need a minute.”

“I’m sorry. Mr. Malone is not available at the moment.”

“Ok,” she shifts Shawn on her hip and bypasses the receptionist. 

“Wait. You can’t go back there.”

She avoids the receptionist’s frail attempts to keep her from entering the office and heads in, finding him playing with his golf set.

“The hell?” she says when she sees him.

“I’m sorry Mr. Malone, I tried to stop her. Would you like me to call security?”

“No, Mary. That won’t be necessary. Please. Give us a moment.”

Mary closes the door behind her on her way out, but Olivia never takes her eyes off of him. “You’ve been avoiding me?”

Aidan sighs. “Yeah, I have.”

“Why?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know. Like you’re so innocent.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I saw you. With him.” 

“With who?”

“Don’t play dumb. I saw you kiss Elliot.”

“I never-”

“Please. I don’t want to hear it.”

“So, you’re not even going to give me a chance to explain?”

“I don’t owe you anything. Now, get out of my office and leave my key with my receptionist.”

He turns his back on her and goes back to his game of golf. She stares at him in disbelief for a moment, then places the bag with the lunch she’s brought them on the floor along with his key and leaves without another word.

*

Olivia sips on her cosmopolitan and takes in the room around her. Vivienne has set her up on a last minute date that has come into town in search of a good time. Buck Billings is an oil tycoon from Texas who has been carrying on the family business for the past twenty-five years. She’s not sure if he intended for this trip to be about business, but she intends this night to be. She’s just not sure what route she needs to take. 

“Excuse me, Pretty Lady, you wouldn’t happen to be Ms. Alyssa, would you.”

“That I am,” she smiles. He’s very handsome for a man in his mid to late fifties. Salt and pepper hair. Blue eyes, and she finds his southern twang charming.

He takes her hand and kisses the top of it. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure’s all mine. Are you ready to be on our way?”

“Sure am.” She allows him to help her off her stool and waits while he pays the bartender. Then she links arms with him and heads to a party that is currently going on.

“So, where is it you’re taking me?”

“New Year’s Eve party being hosted by one of the owners of the Jets.”

“You’re gonna have me do-si-do with a bunch of Jets fans? I don’t know about this. I’m a Cowboys man through and through.”

“Relax. This party is about you getting to mingle with the who’s who of the New York social scene. Have fun. Make some new friends.”

“I don’t know…”

“Relax, you’re in good hands.”

The elevator stops on the top floor and opens. They cross the small hallway and into the lavish ball room. People stand in small clusters conversing while waiters circle around them, carrying hors d'oeuvres and champagne. Others place their bids on trips to Indonesia, spa packages, Mickey Moto pearls, and other extravagant prizes. A waiter passes them and Olivia grabs two glasses of champagne and hands one to him.

“There’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Who?”

“Senator Mosely.”

“Why would I want to meet him? Ain’t he one-a dem democrats?”

“You could use a democrat on your side. You’re into offshore drilling correct?”

“Yeah.”

“So is Mosely, but not for the same reasons you are.”

“Then what am I supposed to say to the man?”

“Mosely’s issue is the national unemployment rate. Sell drilling as a means to lowering the rate, and if you sell it right, you will have a democrat on your side.” 

“Hmm. You know. I like the way you think.”

“Great. Let me introduce you.”

She introduces the two men and is sure to drop a line about the number of jobs being created with Buck’s business, before excusing herself to get Buck a drink. She spots Him on her way to the bar and she smiles before moving onto her next target. Tom Jacobs is a cutthroat and ambitious investment banker that had been one of her top customers before Aidan, and now that she’s back to dating other people besides him, she needs to rebuild her clientele. She sidles up beside him and wordlessly hands him a drink.

“Martini. Dry.”

“You know me so well, Alyssa. Long time no see,” he says and kisses her cheek.

“I’ve been busy.”

“So I’ve seen. You and Mr. Malone no longer working out?”

“No, it’s just time to move onto bigger and better fish.”

“Is that why I’m suddenly so special?”

“Maybe.” 

“So to what do I owe the honor?”

“I hear you’re planning on branching out on your own.”

His flirtatious mood quickly turns serious. “Who told you that?”

“Relax. You know I have my sources, and you know I never kiss and tell,” she winks.

“So, how much is it going to cost me to buy your silence?”

“I don’t do black mail.”

“Then what exactly do you do?”

“I heard you’re having a hard time convincing some of your clients to leave with you.”

“They don’t trust me. They think I’m too young to stand on my own.”

“You’re a baby.”

“I’m thirty-five.”

“You’re barely thirty-five.”

“Fine, I’ll be thirty-five in four months. Do you have a way to help me fix my problem or not?”

“I do,” she takes a sip of her cosmopolitan.

“You do?”

“Yup, but it’s going to cost you.”

“How much?”

“Fifty.”

He nearly chokes on his martini. “Fifty grand? Did you not just hear me say I’m trying to start my own business?”

“Think of it as a smart investment.”

“And where exactly is this investment going?”

“Senator Mosely’s re-election campaign.” 

“Alyssa, you know I don’t do politics. Especially now. I cannot be associated with any insider trading scams.”

“All the more reason for you to start your business now.”

“What do you know?”

“Like I said, I don’t kiss and tell.”

“So fifty huh?”

“Fifty.”

“And what’s in it for me?”

“A client.”

“Old money or new?”

“Old.”

“How old?

“Early nineteen hundreds old.”

“So, we’re talking millions?”

“Billions.” She watches him swallow hard. “Imagine. Your first official client is a billionaire with a name. You know a name always comes with new money.”

“So, I agree to donate to Moseley’s campaign and I’m sure to get this client?”

“Have I ever steered you wrong?”

“What’s to keep me from backing out?”

“Him being your client is contingent on this donation. So, we have a deal?”

“Deal.”

She walks away and hands Buck his drink. “I don’t know,” Mosely says. “That oil spill caused a lot more problems and money than jobs.” 

“No one understands this more than Buck, which is why he’s also for regulation,” she chimes in. 

“I am?” 

“Yes, because you’re all for safety, especially the safety of your employees.”

“That I am. I was raised to be a southern man, and we southerners, we take care of our own, and after that great big spill they had there the other day, ain’t nobody want that there to happen again. ‘Specially on my watch.”

“Not only that, but Mr. Billings has agreed to help support your re-election campaign, as well as solicit other supporters who are willing to donate to your campaign as well. In fact one is ready to write a check for you tonight.” 

“Tonight?”

“Tonight.”

“Well then, Mr. Billings, welcome to the fold. I look forward to doing business with you.”

The two men shake hands and Olivia brings him over to introduce him to Tom. “Buck this is Tom, your new investment banker.”

“New investment banker? Sweetie, I already got one of dem there, I don’t need no more.”

“And let me guess. He’s a good old friend of yours, you’ve been doing business with him for twenty years or more. He works for - no, he owns his own firm and has your account being handled by his top banker. You’re happy with his work and you see no reason to change.”

“That’s about right.”

“Well, you’re wrong.”

“How so?”

“Tom is young, passionate, and driven. He will make you his top priority because you won’t only be his number one client, you’ll be his only client.”

“His only client?”

“Yes, sir. See I’m starting my firm. I’ve worked for one of those big companies you’re currently doing business with, and I can promise you that I can do better.”

“How so?”

“Well, a magician never reveals his tricks, but I can tell you that I’m hard working. I worked my way from the bottom up and learned from the best of the best. I can promise I won’t let you down.”

“And Tom has agreed to help your partnership with Senator Mosely by donating to his campaign,” she smiles slyly.

Buck smiles back. “He has…huh? Well then. Looks like we’re in business.”

The two shake hands officially, making her night a success.

*

“You know, I came here to have a good time, and now I think I’m leaving with a new business prospect.”

“You are, and it’s a good one.”

“So, is that what you really do? Help men with their business adventures.”

“Yep.”

“Under the guise of working as a female escort.”

“Something like that.”

“Pretty and smart. I like that in a woman. Don’t see many of those round my parts.”

“We’re a rare breed.”

“That you are.” He takes a drink of his bourbon. “Now, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but this party is duller than my great granny’s funeral and I’m hungry. These little tarts aren’t doing a thing to calm my appetite. I need some rib sticking food.” 

“Well, the night is still young, and I think I might know a place, but it’s not fancy like this place.”

“They got ribs?”

“They do.”

“Well, lead the way pretty lady. I’m right behind you!”

“Excuse me. I’m sorry to cut in, but Alyssa and I here, go way back. You wouldn’t mind if we have a quick dance would you?” The sound of his voice. Warm. Comforting. She didn’t realize how much she missed it until just now. 

“By all means. Alyssa, I’ll have them bring the car around. Meet me outside in five.”

“Sure.”

He takes her hand and pulls her in close, just as the music to a new song begins. She rests her head against the hard muscle of his chest and aches to feel it pressed against her naked breasts. She takes in the smell of him. His cologne has always been subtle, as if he always smelled that way, but strong enough that you could still smell him after he passed by you. Tonight she finds that scent comforting. Tonight she longs to be comforted by his gentle touch. She longs to feel his body inside of hers. She longs to run her fingers through his hair. To sleep in his arms. To wake up to his smiling face and sparkling blue eyes. She simply longs for him.

“I miss you,” she says and he says nothing back. 

The music continues and they continue to sway gently to the music. She misses the messages he would send her through the day. Their emoji wars were epic. She missed their conversations and debates. She misses their dates. Whether they be fun or romantic or both. She misses relaxing with him. Laying on her couch or in his bed and watching movies or reading and listening to music. 

She misses him.

The music comes to an end and she pulls away from him, but he grips her hand before she can fully pull away. She turns to him and blue eyes meet brown. She gives him a moment to say something. Anything that would make her stay. He says nothing, so she leaves.

“I miss you too,” he says as he watches her walk away.

*

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year!!!

People around them in Times Square shout, hug, and Buck surprises her when he leans in and kisses her cheek. “Happy New Year, pretty lady. I hope it’s a good one.”

“Thank you. I hope the same for you.”

 

*

She remembers the first time she came here. It was about a month after Kyle had been born and Kathleen had surprised them both with an offer to babysit, which had shocked her the most. Out of all the Stabler children Kathleen was the last one she expected to willingly give up her Saturday night in order to babysit. She had never been a strong supporter of their relationship and had always seemed a bit indifferent when it came to Kyle. Nonetheless, they had flown out the house before she had a chance to change her mind and with no place to go. They drove around for awhile and then settled here. The food had been amazing and the atmosphere exactly what they needed. Buck tosses the ball into the last glass of beer, officially claiming their win.

Olivia checks her phone. Their date ended hours ago, but she is having such a good time. It’s the first time she’s laughed like this since Aidan. She misses him, but he still refuses to talk to her and she has given up on trying to contact him. There’s no point in fighting when someone isn’t willing to get in the ring and fight with you.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. How about you? Are you having a good time?”

“I’m having a great time, I haven’t had this much fun since…since Marjorie and I were the age of them boys we just schooled.” 

“Marjorie…is that your wife?”

“Yeah. She’s at home. She has Alzheimer’s.” 

“I’m so sorry. So why are you here instead of with her? Sounds like you miss her.”

The group of guys behind them begin to shout and disrupt their conversation. “How about we move this natter outside.”

He helps her slip her coat on and then follows her outside into the cold January night. They fall in synch side by side. 

“So,” she continues. “Do you miss your wife?”

“I do, but not in the way you think. My wife, she doesn’t recognize me anymore. I go to visit her and she asks me about me. The younger me, seventeen year old me, and when I tell her that I am me, she looks at me like I’m some kind of pervert.” 

“That must be tough. How long have you two been married.”

“Twenty-five great years.” 

“That’s amazing. Any children?”

“Yes. Five. Spread to the four corners of the globe.” 

“Sounds like you guys have had a wonderful life.” 

“So, what about you?”

“Me? I don’t have anybody special. That’s why I date for a living.”

“Really? So what about that blond feller. With those pretty boy looks and fancy hair.”

“Who? Aidan?”

“I guess. He’s been following us all night.” She’s seen him. He was at the party mingling with the players. She spotted him at the bar while she and Buck enjoyed their ribs with loaded mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and the best mac and cheese she’s had in years. She didn’t see him in Times Square, but she sensed his presence. She knew he was there without having to look. And back at the bar, he occupied a small booth in the back where he’d nursed his scotch and never took his eyes off of them. “That boy doesn’t even blink when you’re around.”

“We used to date, but not anymore.”

“What happened?”

“Things got misinterpreted. Things were said and not said. There was just an overall lack of communication. In the end I think it was for the best.”

“You think?”

“I’m not one for relationships. They always end badly.”

“Doesn’t mean you should give up on them. Or love.”

“For me. Love always ends in heartbreak. Life’s just easier without it.”

“Sounds like you might still love this Aidan feller. I don’t think you should give up on him just yet.”

“I never loved him to begin with.”

“Tell me. If he came to you tonight and wanted to get back together with you, would you take him?”

“That would never happen.”

He stops walking and turns to her. “Would you take him?” 

She pauses and, as much as it pains her to admit it, she cannot lie. “Yes.”

“Then I think you should give it another go.”

“Maybe, but it takes two to tango.”

“And one to make the first move.”

Touché.

“Well, how about we get you home. Damn near four in the morning.”

“Oh I can just take a cab.”

“Well let me make sure we get you in one.” He turns around and tries to hail a cab just as a black limousine pulls up and the back window winds down. 

“Need a ride?” Aidan asks.

“Speak of the devil.”

“No, we were just trying to hail a cab, but thanks,” Olivia answers.

“Actually, we were trying to hail her a cab, but since you’re here…”

“Buck,” Olivia tries just as the driver comes around and opens the limo door.

“This is your chance,” he whispers in her ear. 

“Thank you,” she whispers back. “Will you be ok getting back?”

“Don’t worry about me. Talk to him.”

She mouths “Thank You” one last time and then climbs into the limo.

The driver waits until she’s fully situated before closing the door and heading back into the driver’s seat. Aidan rattles off her address to the driver then sits quietly in his seat. The silence is deafening and she thinks that this is how the entire drive will be, and then…

“You look really nice tonight. I like the silver.”

And I, will swallow my pride…

“Thank you. So how long have you been following me?”

“Since you left the party. Lost you a bit in Times Square, but I found you. Then I followed you to that restaurant. Driver lost you guys on the way but then I remembered you took me to there before and took a chance that you guys might be. I was right.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why were you following me?”

“I just…I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.”

“That’s it?” she eyes him skeptically and watches him struggle as he tries to avoid eye contact.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“A…”

Anywhere I would’ve followed you.

“Looks like we’re here. That was quick.”

“Yeah. Quick.”

The driver comes around to her side and opens the door for her. “Goodnight Aidan. Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year.”

He looks as if there is more that he wants to say, so she pauses and gives him his chance. 

Say something I’m giving up on you.

“Good night, Olivia.”

She nods and climbs out the car. They wait until she is safely inside her building and she watches as the slick black limo pulls away, taking her heart with it.

You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

*

“Hey!!!!”

“Daddy!” Kyle yells as she runs and jumps into her father’s arms.

He pulls her close and hugs her tight. “How was your weekend?”

“Good.”

Olivia hands him Kyle’s backpack. “All of her homework is done and ready for tomorrow.”

“Thanks. Thanks for keeping her a little later too.”

“No problem.”

“Mommy, can I bring Rebecca and Molly with me?”

“You can bring one,” and Olivia holds up a finger to emphasize her statement.

“Ok.”

Elliot puts her down and she runs off to her room to pick a doll. 

“Have you had dinner yet? I was thinking maybe we could order in. Talk a little.”

“No, I don’t want to talk.”

“Why? We’ve been getting along so well. Is this about the kiss? I already apologized for that.”

“Did you know that Aidan was there? He saw us and broke up with me because of it.”

“Oh Liv, I’m so sorry.”

“Well sorry doesn’t cut it, because you just ruined the best thing that’s happened to me in years.”

“Olivia, c’mon. I didn’t mean to-”

“Then what did you mean? Why did you kiss me? Why?”

“We had had a good day and then there was the dinner and there was a moment. We had a moment. So I kissed you.”

“Yeah, but why? Were you hoping for something more?” 

“I…I don’t know.”

“So you basically just ruined my relationship for nothing.”

“No, no that’s not true-”

“Kyle!!! C’mon Sweetie. Your daddy has to go.” 

Kyle comes running out the room with a dark haired doll clutched in her arms. “So, you’re taking Rebecca?”

“Yeah.”

Olivia helps her slip into her coat, then bundles her up in her hat and gloves. “You be a good girl and I’ll see you in a couple weeks.” She rubs her nose against Kyle’s in a sweet Eskimo kiss, then faces Elliot. “Make sure that doll comes back in one piece. It cost me a lot of money.”

“Olivia-”

“G’night Elliot.”

She gives Kyle one last hug and a kiss before whispering ‘I love you,’ and then sends them on their way.

*

It’s the middle of the night. It’s that quiet time when the city that never sleeps has come to rest. It is a calm that she can’t explain, but simply exists. There are only a few cars on the street, so there are no horns blaring. No sirens sounding. Just peace, or as close to peace one can get in the middle of Manhattan. The moonlight peaks through her blinds and bathes her room in its sweet glow as she watches the numbers on her alarm clock tick by and she listens. She listens to the drunk girls cackle as they stumble home from the night’s festivities. She listens to his voice through the baby monitor.

I've made my home in your heart and your mind, and you laid your hands on my chest and you pointed home…

It’s the middle of the night and his voice is coming through her baby monitor and it’s killing her.

I'll give you all of me. I'll make you mine. If you'll take me and you'll make me. Your first in line...

It’s been weeks of this and it would be different if he would just talk to her and work this out, but he refuses to. So night after night she listens. She listens to him open her door and slink down her hallway into her son’s room and sing her baby to sleep. Night after night, but she can’t do this anymore and it’s time to put an end to this.

She throws off the covers and climbs out of bed. He’s in the glider chair when she arrives, her son sleeps against his chest while he buries his face in his hair and threads his fingers through his curls. His eyes are closed and he is so lost in his song that he doesn’t even notice that she has entered the room.

“Aidan,” she calls. He startles and his blue eyes meet hers. Stark against the darkness.

“Sorry, I just wanted to hold him. I miss holding him.”

“I know, but you can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Come here! Night after night you come here and you…you make it so hard. He needs to get used to the fact that you’re not going to be around anymore and I - no we - need to get over you.” 

“I’m sorry. I just…I just wanted to hold him.”

“I know, but you can’t keep doing this. He’s never going to get used to you not being here if you never leave.” She watches him tuck her son into his crib with a kiss on his forehead. 

He doesn’t even look her way when he passes her on his way out. 

“Please leave my key and I’m telling the doorman not to let you up anymore,” she says. He stares at her in disbelief. “It’s time we all had a clean break.” She watches him remove her keys from his key ring.

“You know what sucks? I’m the one that did nothing wrong and yet, I’m the one being punished.”

“Punished? You won’t even talk to me and I’m supposed to what? Pretend like nothing happened and time share my kid with you?”

“Yes, Olivia. You’re the victim,” he sneers. “You cheat on me and it’s my fault. I’m the bad guy.”

“No one is saying you’re the bad guy. I’m saying talk to me. Fight with me. Don’t just give up and walk away. Fight for me!”

…Maybe you could stay a bit longer. I could try a bit harder. We could make this work…

“Fight for you? Fight for you? Why would I want to fight for you?”

“Why are you here? Clearly walking away isn’t as easy as you thought it would be because it’s been over a month and you’re still here. All I’m asking is that you talk to me and work this out.”

“Talk. Fine, you want to talk. Tell me, how was he? What was it like igniting the old flame?”

But maybe we should stop pretending. Both of us are hurting. Maybe it's time to go…

“I didn’t sleep with him.”

“I saw you. I saw you take him to our room after you kiss him. The room that I paid for.”

“And nothing happened. He slept on the couch.”

“You guys had a moment. I saw it. I watched you two out on that dance floor. Don’t lie to me and say it was nothing.”

“It was nothing. He felt something. I didn’t.”

All along it was a fever…

“Then why did he spend the night in your room?”

“Because he needed a place to sleep and I’m not a monster. He’s my child’s father.”

“Don’t do that. You always use that line to explain away your feelings for him.”

“I do not.”

“You do too! He treats you like absolute shit and you still have feelings for him.” 

“No, I don’t. I try to work with him so that we can raise Kyle together without putting her in the middle. You’re not a parent. You don’t know-”

“I don’t need to be a parent to see that there is more than just Kyle between you two.”

“Maybe you want to see more between us than just Kyle.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means maybe you’re looking for a way out, but you don’t want to be the bad guy, you want me to. Maybe your lack of trust is what drove your exes to cheat on you. That is, if they ever did cheat.”   
“I came back. I came back for you because I felt bad for leaving you on Christmas. I rushed through the deal and had a helicopter fly me back to you. I came back to surprise you and I walk in to find you with him. Dancing with him. Touching him. Letting him hold you. Kissing him.”

“He kissed me!”

Round and around and around and around we go. Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know…

“Yeah, that’s what you’re saying now.”

“No. That’s what happened. He. Kissed. Me. And I stopped it. Because I was in a relationship with a man that I really cared about. But rather than talking about it and working it out with me, you walked away.”

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving. 'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving…

“It’s been my experience that when you see your girlfriend kissing another man, there really isn’t anything to talk about, and I wasn’t really in the mood for a fight.”

“You mean I wasn’t worth fighting for.” 

He doesn’t say anything.

…The reason I hold on. 'Cause I need this hole gone…

“Well then. There’s the door. You can find your way out,” she turns to head back to her room.

“Olivia.”

“What?!”

“Let’s at least be friends.”

“No.”

“Livia.”

“I have enough friends, Aidan, and I can’t even begin to fathom how to be yours.”

“So what? This is goodbye?”

“I guess…unless…”

“Unless what?” 

I want you to stay.

“Work this out with me.” 

“I can’t…”

“Well, those are your options. Stay and fight for this, or leave and forget you ever knew my name.” With that she turns and heads back to her bedroom.

She climbs into bed and listens. And listens… And listens… And listens…Until she hears the door close behind him.

I want you to stay…

*

He steps into his apartment and literally it is the last place that he wants to be. Because everything in this apartment reminds him of her. His pillow smells of her shampoo. Her bra and underwear hang in his shower. He sees them together in his kitchen. He remembers making breakfast and licking syrup from her lips while she sat on top of his countertop. He remembers the first time they made love and how she cried in his arms moments after. He remembers the joy he felt because she had finally opened herself up to him after weeks and weeks of fighting. Fight for her? He’s been fighting from the beginning and, at this point, he’s tired of fighting. 

He can’t stay here. Too much of his apartment reminds him of her. Especially with all of her stuff here. He grabs a box from his office and heads into his bedroom. He grabs her bras and underwear from the bathroom and tosses them in the box. He opens his draws and cupboards and pulls out her razors, tampons, shampoo and conditioner. He reaches in the medicine chest for her toothbrush and pauses when he spots the Vicks and Nyquil. Medicine she brought to nurse him back to health. He looks at the bed. He remembers how she took care of him. How patient she was as he bitched and moaned and whined about being sick. How she never said a word or uttered a complaint.

Can you lie next to her, and give her your heart, your heart? As well as your body….

He remembers lying next to her. He remembers Sunday afternoons with Pad Thai and the baby and laughter. He’s never been so happy. He remembers one night when they stumbled into his apartment. Still buzzed from the glasses of champagne they had at that evening’s charity function. He forgets which one, but what he does remember is how they made it the bedroom in matter of seconds, and how he was so anxious to be inside her and feel her skin against his that he forgot to take her heels off. He’d fucked her that night and woke to find her with them still on. He still has the scar on his ass from when she dug her heel in as she came around him. It was the hottest sex he’s ever had.

And can you lie next to her, and confess your love, your love? As well as your folly…

He remembers other nights as well. Coming back here for privacy when they had Melody for the night. He remembers spending those long nights making love to her. However, he also remembers the heartache he felt when he saw her in another man’s arms. He should have never left her. It was Christmas and she wanted to spend it with him, but that still didn’t excuse her actions. He moves onto the dresser and removes any of her clothes that he can find, along with T-shirts of his that she’s worn. He can never wear them again without thinking of her. He stares at his closet. She particularly liked his dressed shirts. He tells himself that he doesn’t know which ones she’s worn, but he knows. He can see her in his mind’s eye in each one of them, but for some reason he’s not ready to let that go. He stops by the office and spots all of Shawn’s things. The crib. The diaper changing table. His toys strewn about the room. The pen he received as a graduation gift…also known as Shawn’s favorite chew toy. He cannot bear to touch any of it. He hasn’t been able to for weeks. He moves onto the kitchen.

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?...

He can see her in here too. Cooking them dinner. Waiting on him to finish making breakfast. The mischievous grin that never seemed to leave her face when she was with him. Except, of course, for those rare moments when he managed to find something to make her laugh, which, as time moved on, seemed to be more often than not. While he loved making her happy, it was the genuine smile that lingered long after the laughter had gone that he loved the most. That was always his reward. He never asked much of her. She made him happy without really trying, but he always had to work so hard to get her to open up to him. To be a real girlfriend to him.

You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink. You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections…

Weeks of wining and dining her. Of proving to her over and over again that he was the one. That he could be a good boyfriend to her. That he would never hurt her. That he was what she was looking for, and for what? So she could turn around and go back to the bastard that broke her heart and took her child from her? The man that condemned her to a life of drugs and prostitution. That replaced her with her best friend. That made getting to know her daughter all the more difficult every chance he got. That’s what she left him for?

Her white blank page, and a swelling rage, rage…

Olivia Benson did not deserve to be with him. No, Aidan James Malone was too good for her. Way too good for her. She was a female escort for goodness sake. He could do better. He could do far better. He didn’t need her.

Then why was he in so much pain? His heart literally hurt and there were days where getting out of bed was a struggle. On those days it hurts to even breathe.

So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

He grabs a beer out of the fridge. When the door closes he’s left face to face with a photo booth strip of them. She claims she hates the photo booth, but lets him drag her in every time he sees one. He stares at the photos. The simple smile on her face. This time Shawn sits between him and his eyes sparkle with delight. Clutched in his hands is a soft basketball that he bought him. It was the first thing he ever bought for him. A simple toy to keep the baby quiet while they watched a movie. He remembers the smile that had lit up his face when he saw it. It was the first time his joy came from seeing another person’s happiness. Shawn’s happiness gives him joy. Her happiness gives him joy.

It’s then that he realizes why all of this hurts so much.

The crib and changing table in his office makes him happy. The plushie toys that decorate his couch give him joy. Sleeping with her in his arms gives him joy. Having her toothbrush and shampoo in his bathroom gives him joy. The scent of her on his sheets gives him joy. She gives him joy. He stares at the last photo and realizes that while he and Shawn grin shamelessly for the camera, her grin is directed elsewhere. Her grin is directed at him. In every photo her grin is directed at him and as he stares closer her realizes it’s not just a grin, but a smile. A real smile. Her pearly whites are showing and it’s so rare that they ever make an appearance. It’s funny because he wasn’t even trying to make her smile. It’s then that he realizes that he brings her joy. 

He brings her joy. He brings her joy. He brings her joy. Hebringsherjoy. Hebringsherjoy. Hebringsherjoy. HebringsherjoyHebringsherjoyHebringsherjoyHebringsherjoy.

He’s making a mistake. 

He puts the beer down and he’s out the door seconds later.

Seems like, street lights, glowin’…

He sent his driver home for the night and there are no cabs in sight. So he runs.

I know my destination, but I'm just not there…

He passes the late night stragglers that still aren’t ready to end the night. He forgets that it’s cold and he has no coat on. He forgets that he’s running in a $3000 Italian suit. And $400 shoes. And runs. He welcomes the cold air as it rushes past his face, fills his lungs and travels through his body. 

In the streets. In the, streets…

He hears his heart in his ears and uses its comforting rhythm to invigorate him. His legs pump harder. Faster. His strides become longer. Quicker. The distance, shorter. He will get there. He has to. He has to tell her. She has to know. He was wrong. He made a mistake. He has to tell her. She has to know. He sees a flash of yellow and a white blinding light. Then there’s pain and faces he doesn’t know. The pain never stops. But he has to get there.

He has to tell her. She has to know. He tries to move, but they hold him down and tell him not to move. But don’t they know? Why can’t they understand?

Blue and red lights flash in between the darkness.

Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…

He has to get there. He has to tell her. She has to know.

Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…

He has to get there. He has to tell her. She has to know.

Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…

He has to tell her. She has to know.

Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…

He has to tell her. She has to know.

Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…

She has to know.

She has to know...

She has to know……………….

I’m just not there. In the streets. In the, streets…

 

*

He wakes to find himself no longer in the streets, but still in unfamiliar surroundings. It takes him a moment to place himself and soon realizes that he is in a hospital room. It all comes back to him then. He got hit by a fucking cab, and while his first thought is to sue the cab company, his second is of her and how she still doesn’t know. He has to tell her. She has to know. He tries sit up, but a sharp pain flashes through his side, causing him to collapse back against his pillow and hiss in pain.

“You shouldn’t do that.” 

He looks over and is surprised to see her sitting at his bedside. “Olivia.”

“You had to have surgery. You injured your spleen in the accident and they had to go in to remove it.”

“How? How did you know to come?”

“You told them to call me, and now that I know for sure that you’re ] not going to die I can go back home to my son.” 

He watches in horror as she gets up and heads for the door. “Olivia wait-”

“No. No. I got a call in the middle of the night that you’ve been hurt and immediately I started to worry. I worried while I waited for Melody to come over and watch Shawn. I worried the entire cab ride here, because I was too shaky to drive. I worried the entire time you were in surgery and then as I sat in that chair, willing you to wake up so I could yell at you for being so stupid and almost getting yourself killed. I started to wonder why? Why did you have them call me? Why did I care? Why was I here with you instead of at home with my son? Why was I here holding your hand instead of at home holding his? Why did I care so much when it was so clear that you didn’t? Because last night I asked you to stay and fight for me and you walked out on me and made it clear that you didn’t think that I was worth fighting for.”

“I made a mistake,” 

But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man

He rasps and swallows hard. He could use some water, and she gets the hint, pours him a cup and holds the straw to his lips so that he can drink without moving. When she tries to back away he holds her wrist to keep her from walking away. “I made a mistake,” he repeats. “I got back to my place, and started packing up your stuff, but I was miserable. Ever since we broke up I’ve hated being there, and I just wanted to be with you. I was scared that you were like the others. That you only want me for my money.” 

“I’ve ne-”

“I know. I know you’ve never cared about my money, but it’s hard for me to trust people because of it. It’s something I’m working on, but I was there, looking at our stupid photo booth pictures and I realized how happy you made me, how happy we make each other and I didn’t want to be without you anymore. I realized I made a mistake and I had to tell you. I was running back to your apartment when I got hit. I probably told them to call you so that I could tell you that I made the wrong choice. That’s the only thing that mattered to me. You had to know. You have to know you’re worth it. You’re worth everything and I should have stayed and fought for you because you’re so worth fighting for.” 

She doesn’t say anything and her eyes have filled with tears and he’s scared because he never once thought about it from her point of view and what if he’s not worth fighting for. What if she doesn’t want to be with someone who treats her like less than what she’s worth. He raises his hand and caresses the side of her face. 

She closes her eyes and covers her face with her hands, enjoying the feel of his touch. She stands and takes several steps away from him. The fear inside him turns to panic and he reaches for her.

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

“Tell me,” he whispers. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She’s been through this before.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

She’s been through this all before. 

He’s always prided himself on the fact that he was nothing like him. That he was a better man in every way because he would never hurt her like he did, but he has. He left her without giving her a chance to explain. He refused to hear her side of the story and blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault. The only thing he didn’t do was take her child from her. He’s him. He’s Elliot, and now he hates himself. But there is one thing that Elliot never did. One thing that can still set them apart. 

“Forgive me,” he begs. “Please forgive me. I made a mistake. Forgive me. Forgive me. For-”

She pulls her hands away from her face and blinks away her tears and he swears he’s never seen a more beautiful sight. The sun rises from the shadows behind her and she seems to glow. She looks like an angel, and he’s sure she’s his angel. He reaches for her again.

“Please.”

Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need…

She goes and sits beside him, and he caresses her cheek. “I’m sorry,” he tells her. Her lips touch his and there is forgiveness in her kiss. 

It’s the only answer he needs.

Maybe we can make this work…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Credits: Maybe-Emili Sandé  
>  Say Something-A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera  
>  First In Line- Matthew Mayfield  
>  Stay-Rihanna ft Mikky Ekko  
>  White Blank Page-Mumford & Sons  
>  Street Lights-Kanye West  
>  Stay With Me-Sam Smith


	13. Fools In Love

It’s December!!! That means more postings. YAY!!! Thank you all for being so patient. I know it wasn’t easy. This Chapter was inspired by the song “Fools In Love,” by Inara George. I heard the song and parts of this chapter began to formulate in my mind. So I hope you YouTube it and enjoy!

 

Chapter 13-Fools In Love

Aidan groans and throws his head back against the couch as he feels her warm lips slide down his shaft. Both hands are fisted in her hair. Her tongue swirls around the head of his penis and he can feel a familiar tightening in his balls. 

“Livia,” he pants. “I’m gonna…”

Her ministrations never stop and he continues to feel the tension build inside him until he can no longer hold back his release. He collapses against the back of her couch and grins when he feels her lips trail up his body. She pays special attention to his healing incision before continuing on her way and stopping at his neck.

“If this is what make-up sex with you is like we should break up more often.” 

“Well, we have to make up for lost time.” 

Her lips capture his and her tongue delves into his mouth while her hand massages him below. When the time is right she grabs a condom off the coffee table and puts it on him then slowly slides onto him. She rocks against him in a painfully slow manner with her lips attached to his neck. He places his hands on her hips in an effort to speed up her movements, but she takes them in hers with a shake of her head.

“Uh uh, you do that and I’ll stop,” she says as she lay kisses along his jaw line.

“You’re an evil, evil woman.”

She rocks her body even slower and he tries to look at her in a serious manner, but he cannot help but grin at the mischievous smile on her face. “You know, two can play at this game.” He shifts them so that she is now on her back and he on top and grins. 

“Ai, the doctor said you’re supposed to take it easy.”

“I am. Now what was that thing you were doing?” 

He inches himself slowly inside of her and watches as her eyes roll back. He pulls back with every intention of doing it again, but he can’t resist her. She seems to overwhelm all of his senses. The smell of her is intoxicating. The sight of her is stimulating. Her moans are invigorating. The taste of her is tantalizing. The feel of her, there are no words that describe how amazing she feels. So, instead of torturing her like she did him, he instead decides to bury himself inside her and enjoy every moment he has with her. He speeds up his pace and without a word, her hips arch to meet his, and it’s like they’ve been doing this forever. A coordinated dance they know by heart. 

Everything you touch, everything you feel

Her buries his face in her neck and pushes deep inside her. Her fingers tangle in his hair and rake down his back. Her lips nibble on his ear. Her legs slide against his. She holds him tight against her and he holds her tight against him, and when the time is right, his lips attach themselves to hers. He holds them there as he comes inside her and she’s with him every step of the way. He can feel the pull of her and enjoys the feel of her contracting around him. His lips continue to move against hers long after he’s spent and there is no need for him to try and catch his breath because she’s his air. She’s nurishment. She’s his water. His medicine when he is sick. His warmth when he is cold. She is his everything. She is everything he needs.

Their lips do not part until there is a knock on her door, and he breaks apart and rests his forehead against hers. “You had to order Chinese.”

She chuckles. “I’m starving. You haven’t fed me all day.”

“Oh I’ve been feeding you, but you’re insatiable.” 

“Let me up, it’ll just take a second. I won’t even put pants on.”

“You better not put pants on.”

He lets her up and watches as she slides on his dress shirt and buttons a couple buttons to keep it closed. He grins at her. She grabs the cash off the coffee table and opens the door without looking. “How much do I owe you?” she asks as she counts out the money in her hand.

“$30 including tip.”

She looks up surprised at the voice. “Elliot? What are you doing here and why do you have my take out?”

“Saw the guy downstairs while I was checking in with the doorman so I just paid him for it and told him I’d bring it up.” 

She takes the bag from him and hands him the money. “What are you doing here?” 

“I came…to…talk,” he says slowly as he takes in her appearance. The messy hair, swollen lips and general lack of undress. “Is this what you do during your free time? Spend all day having sex?”

“Yeah, you should try it sometime. Might help you with that stick up your ass.”

“Wait, I thought you and Mr. Money Bags broke up?”

“We got back together. Is there something I can do for you?” 

“So you just took him back? Just like that after what he did to you?”

“You’re one to talk, Asshole,” Aidan answers as he walks up and takes the take-out bag from her, sans shirt and pants. 

And underwear.

“How ‘bout you go put some clothes on, huh?”

“Aidan give me five, please?”

“Sure. I’ll go check on Shawn,” he says as he pulls on his boxers.

“You do this shit with the kid here, Liv?” Elliot chastises.

“He’s napping. What do you need?”

“Why do you even like that guy?”

“He has a really big dick.”

“Seriously, Olivia.”

“Seriously, Elliot.”

She stares at him unblinking and while he knows she’s saying it just to get to him, the look on her face tells him that there is some truth to that statement. “C’mon.”

She sighs. “He’s good to me, Elliot. He sends me flowers just because. White roses when he’s away on business because he knows they’re my favorite and he thinks they’ll make me happy when he’s not around. We text each other all day, everyday. When he’s out of the country we email, but he still calls me every night to tell me good night and how much he misses me. No matter what the time difference is. He’s amazing with Shawn. He…” she stares off as she looks for more reasons and locks eyes with him when she finally has an answer. “He makes me happy. And I haven’t been happy in a long time not…not since before the divorce.” 

He nods in understanding.

“Now, is there a reason why you’re here?”

“I came to ask for your help.”

“Help with what?”

“Kyle.”

“Kyle? What’s wrong with Kyle?”

“Nothing’s wrong with her. It’s just…Casey and I broke up. We’ve been broken up since the night of the Christmas pageant and I’ve been having a hard time finding a sitter. So I was wondering if you could pick her up after school. Keep her until I get off and can pick her up. Take her when I get those late night calls.”

“Sure, I can do that, but Aidan is going to be around.”

“No, he won’t. I’m not agreeing to that.”

“Look Elliot, the way I see it, you don’t really have much of a choice. My guess is you’ve already exhausted all of your options. Your kids are too busy living their own lives to be at your beck and call and Kathy is busy enough with Eli that she can’t really add another kid to the mix, and Kyle is probably confused enough with the break up so you don’t want to rely on Casey. You’ve had her bouncing around from friend to friend and kid to kid for weeks now, and they’ve probably all had enough. You can’t afford a full time sitter or live in nanny, which is what you would need, so really, I’m your last and only option.” 

“He doesn’t spend the night when she’s here.”

“Deal. Is there anything else?” She asks as she tries to contain her happiness and ignore the overwhelming urge to jump for joy.

“Any chance you can start today?”

“No problem.”

“Thanks. I have to get back to work.”

“See you later.”

She watches him go and closes the door and leans against it with a smile on her face. She looks up to see Aidan in the hallway and can tell by the look on his face that he has heard the whole thing. Within seconds she is across the room and in his arms. He lifts her and spins her around as he shares in her sheer joy. He puts her down and stares lovingly into her eyes as his hand caresses the side of her face. The time is right. He is going to tell her.

He kisses her instead, and decides to show her.

He lifts her and she secures her legs around him as he carries her to her bedroom where he shows her.

And shows her.

And shows her.

Fools in Love…

xxx

Aidan uses his key and enters her apartment. All is quiet and all of the lights are out, save for a single lamp in her living room. At this point, he knows her apartment well enough to navigate where he is going in the dark, but he follows the light to her sleeping form. He tosses his leather jacket on one of the chairs and gazes at her. A copy of To Kill A Mockingbird is still clutched in her hand. He smiles. She’s been waiting up for him. He sits on the edge of her couch and decides to wake his sleeping beauty with a kiss.

“Hey,” she sighs.

“Hey. I’m here.”

“I see that. You’re also very late.”

“I know. I got caught up in a meeting that just wouldn’t end.”

“Is this about the hotel you’re trying to open in Dubai?”

“Yeah.”

“How did it go?”

“Not well. They’re being stubborn, and no one seems to be looking at the bigger picture.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t come here to talk about them. I came to spend some time with you,” he says and emphasizes his feelings with a kiss.

“As much as I love that,” she kisses him chastely. “You have to go,” she sighs. 

“He didn’t. She’s still here?”

“He called around eight thirty and said they caught a case and he wasn’t going to be able to pick her up. Sorry.”

“Man, you should have texted me.”

“If I knew you were going to be this late I would have, but I wanted to see you and I ended up falling asleep anyway.”

“So, wait, what time is it?”

She glances at the clock on her cable box. “Almost eleven thirty so you have about thirty minutes.”

“Maybe I can stay a little bit later,” he says as he kisses down her neck and climbs on top of her.

She moans. “No, you can’t. We both agreed to midnight since it was the only way to make sure you actually leave, and the last time I let you stay later, you didn’t leave until six in the morning.”

“Well, in my defense we weren’t exactly sleeping, so it doesn’t really count.”

“Is that what you plan to tell Elliot when he finds out and decides to shit a brick?”  
He chuckles. “So, we have thirty minutes. We can do a lot in thirty minutes…” His hand slides down the front of her draw-string shorts. He grins. “You’re not wearing any underwear.”

“There’s no point when all you do is rip them off of me anyway, but this doesn’t mean anything. You still have to go.”

“Five more minutes.”

“Yeah, this is how it starts,” she says and pulls his hand back out.

“I’ll be good, I promise,” he mumbles against her neck. “C’mon, it’s been over a week,” he whines. 

“It hasn’t been that long.”

He looks at her seriously. “It’s been eight days. That’s over a week.” 

“You’ve been counting?”

“I’m a man. Of course I’ve been counting.”

“Fine, thirty minutes and then you’re out.”

He grins and attaches his lips to hers. He tongue delves into the depths of her mouth and she moans into his kiss. “Not here. Kyle can wake up any minute.”

“But I love couch sex. Couch sex is the best.”

“Not. Here.”

“Fine.” 

He climbs off her and helps her off the couch. He turns off the lamp and leads her towards her bedroom. He pulls her in front of him and holds her close to him as they make their way down the hallway. He kisses her neck as she turns in his arms and her lips find his in the darkness. He maneuvers them to her bedroom and makes sure to close and lock the door behind him. She tugs at his T-shirt and tosses it and he does the same with hers before they fall onto her bed in a tangle of limbs. She cradles his hips between hers and he grinds his erection into her center. Their kisses grow more fevered and she unbuttons his jeans to find him hard. He moans and pauses as he revels in her ministrations. He stands up and removes his jeans and underwear while she takes off her shorts. He reaches in her drawer for a condom, and is frustrated when he comes up empty. He turns on the light as he searches in vain for latex covered in gold foil. He finds several wrappers but no condom.

“You didn’t bring any? I told you we were out.”

“I just bought that box the other day,” he growls as he continues to come up empty handed once again. “How did we go through a twenty-four that quick?”

“Make-up sex.”

“Shit!” he pauses and thinks. “Oh!” He says and picks up his jeans.

“We used that one when I came to your office for lunch. Eight days ago.” she sighs and lays back against the bed, resting one arm over her eyes.

“No, no, no. Don’t go to sleep. I’ll be right back.”

“Uh huh,” she sighs.

“Shit!” he says and sits on her bed. Behind him he can hear her laugh. “This isn’t funny.”

“You’re cute when you’re frustrated and naked.” 

“This is no laughing matter.”

She kneels behind him and wraps her arms around him. “We can try again tomorrow. Elliot is coming to get Kyle in the morning. We’ll have all day. Besides, your thirty minutes are almost up.” she kisses his ear and then his neck.

“Oh!” He unwraps her arms and tosses her back onto the bed as he runs to her bathroom excitedly.

“Hey!” she whines.

“I stashed an emergency one in here a long time ago in anticipation of a time like this.” He searches through the drawer and spots his prize, but something else catches his eye.  
He goes back into her bedroom carrying the item. “Olivia…”

“Did you find it?” she rests on her stomach with her eyes closed. 

“What’s this?” he asks.

She opens an eye to get a glimpse of what’s in his hand and nearly jumps when she realizes what it is. “It’s not what it looks like!”

“Really? Because to me it looks like a needle. A needle that you use to shoot up with. Are you using again?”

…Everything you see, everything you know now…

She ignores his question and takes the needle and shoves it back in the drawer in her bathroom. She tries to leave, but he blocks her exit. 

“Are you using again?” he asks again.

“No,” she answers and shoves past him.

“Well, then, why do you have it?”

“I think you should go.”

“No, I’m not leaving.” 

“Well, I’m not having this conversation with you,” she says as she pulls her shorts back on.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.” She puts on a robe and ties it close. “Like I said before, you should go.”

“And like I said before, I’m not leaving. Now, are you using again?”

“No.”

“‘No’ you’re not using or ‘No’ you’re not having this conversation.”

“Both.”

“Olivia…”

“Look, I got the needle one day because I wanted to use, but then decided against it.”

He puts his boxer-briefs back on. “What made you want to use again in the first place?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well, we’re going to.”

“Why, so you can fix me? You’re not my shrink and I can’t be fixed. I have an addiction. It’s a disease. Do you think that that magically goes away because one day I up and decided to quit? You think my body still doesn’t crave it? That the urge isn’t there every single day?”

“It’s just that… you were doing so well. Going to meetings and stuff. What changed?” She doesn’t answer. “Was this because of me? Because I broke up with you?”

“You’re really full of yourself, you know. You think I was willing to risk fucking up my entire life, everything I’ve worked so hard for just because you got your panties in a bunch and decided to become an asshole?”   
“I’m just trying to get down to the bottom of this.”

She sighs. “I’m not gonna lie. You were part of it. I was… sad. Maybe a little depressed, but most of all I was stressed. Shawn was teething and screaming bloody murder all day, and I was out escorting all night so I wasn’t getting any sleep and Melody couldn’t sit during the day because she was at her parents’ house on break. I wasn’t making my usual amount because I no longer had my regulars, which, by the way, you should know that just because we’re back together doesn’t mean I’m only going to escort you. I just spent six weeks building my clientele back up. I’m not going to risk that again.”

“We’ll talk about that later. We’re dealing with this now.”

“The payment on this place was due and I needed to pay Elliot child support and make my car payment. I just wanted something to help me mellow out and forget for a bit.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have helped you.”

“You weren’t even answering my calls! You wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I couldn’t call on you for help or anything for that matter. It was like it was four years ago all over again. Except this time I got to keep my kid, though I’m sure if you could, you would have taken him from me too.”

“I would never do that and I’m sorry for the way I treated you during that time. I could have gone about that better. There was no need for me to be that cold. I’m sorry.”

“What scares me is, for those two months you were just like him and I don’t think I should be making that mistake twice.”

“I’m not him-”

“Bu-”

“I’m not. Him. I made a mistake. You said you forgave me.”

“I did, but I still wonder if I made the right decision.”

“Haven’t I proved to you that you did? Haven’t you been happy?”

“I have. So happy, but what happens during our next fight? What do we do then?”

“We fight, then we kiss and make up. That’s what couples do.” 

“I don’t know…”

“Well, then I’m going to keep fighting for you. I’m going to show you that you’re worth fighting for and I’m going to give all of me. I’m going to be here for you, Olivia. I’m going to help you through this, and I’m going to start by throwing that needle away.”

“No, don’t.”

“Why? You don’t need it.”

“I know, but I like knowing that it’s there. In case…”

“In case you do decide you want to use again. Olivia, you’re just making it harder on yourself by having the needle right there.”

“Maybe, but I have two very good reasons for why I shouldn’t out there. For right now, I just need it to be there. When I’m ready I’ll get rid of it.”

“You should get rid of it now. It shouldn’t be in the house with the kids and you know this. You’re letting your addiction cloud your judgment.”

“I’m not.”

“When you were a cop would you have felt right leaving a child with a known addict that kept needles in the house.”

“That’s not fair.”

“What you’re doing isn’t fair. Just throw it out.”

She sighs. She knows he’s right. She goes into the bathroom and pulls the needle out of the drawer and tosses it in the trash. She leaves the bathroom and heads into his arms.

He holds her close against him and kisses the top of her head. “Well, my thirty minutes are definitely up now, so I’m going to go, but remember I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t mind if I take the trash with me do you?”

“You don’t trust me.”

“No, I do, I just don’t want to make this any harder on you.”

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”

“I’d love to.”

She gets comfortable under the covers and he lays down beside her and surrounds her with his warmth. She falls asleep with his fingers linked with hers and wakes to find his scent still lingering on her pillows.

Fools In Love…

xxx

He knocks on her door at three in the morning and he knows it’s late. He knows she’s going to yell, but he needs to see his daughter, there’s no way he can go home tonight without seeing her. It is simply not an option. So he bangs on her door until he finally hears the lock turn, but he is surprised when he sees who has come to open the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Elliot asks, taking in his lack of dress. The man stands before him in a pair of tighty whities and nothing more.

“I should be asking you the same thing. It’s fucking three o’clock in the morning.”

“I’m here to get my daughter. Where is she?”

“She’s in bed. Sleeping. Because it’s three o’clock in the fucking morning!”

“Well, move. I’m taking her home.”

Aidan stands his ground. “Why don’t you just wait until the morning?”

“Because I’m here now. Now move.” Elliot tries to shove past him, but Aidan blocks his entrance. Elliot pushes him hard nearly knocking him to the ground and enters the apartment in search of his daughter. Aidan bounces back and uses both hands to grab him by the back of his blazer and slams him against the wall. Elliot punches him and Aidan punches him back. Elliot swings again, but Aidan is quicker and ducks before he can make contact. He punches Elliot in the stomach causing him to double over then grabs him by the collar and slams him into the wall.

“I said you can wait until the morning,” Aidan growls.

“Aidan, let him go,” Olivia says solemly.

“He can’t just barge in here an-”

“I know,” she agrees. “Do me a favor and get Kyle ready.”

“Bu-”

“Please,” she says and gives him a look that begs him to understand. That she knows what she’s doing. That he should trust her.

He gets it. “Sure,” he says and lets Elliot go and gives him one final look before heading down the hallway.

“He’s not touching my daughter,” Elliot says and marches after him.

“He’s not going to do anything to her,” Olivia says and shoves him towards the couch.

“What the hell is he doing here? We agreed that he wouldn’t spend the night when Kyle was here.”

“You were supposed to pick Kyle up hours ago and he just got back from Japan. I told him he could come here since Kyle would be gone, and I wasn’t going to turn him away after coming here after a twelve hour flight. He just got home a few minutes ago.”

“You should have called me.”

“You should have came when you said you would!”

He sits down on her couch and she sits beside him. His eyes are drawn to her body in the black silk negligée she wears and she catches the line of his eyesight and covers herself with the red silk kimono-styled short robe she wears.

“What’s her name?”

“Whose name.”

“The little girl that has you here banging on my door and fighting with my boyfriend at three in the morning.”

“Cindy. Cindy Carmichael.”

“What happened to her?”

“The story we hear all the time. Local pedophile on parole kidnaps her from the park while mom is tending to the other kid. Takes her eyes off of her for fall of ive seconds and next thing she knows she’s gone. We spent all afternoon and all night looking for her. Finally get a call from some volunteers who found her in one of those tube bridges they can crawl through at a playground. Dead. Mel said she was raped and sodimized. Found fluids all over her mouth and-and-”

She places her hand on his. “I know.”

“I mean, it could have been Kyle. I take her to that park all the time. I’ve taken my eyes off of her so many times. It could have been her.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“She reminded me of Kathleen. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Curls. Kathleen was the only one who had curls.”

Aidan comes out with Kyle in his arms and places her in her father’s arms then returns to the bedroom.

…Everything you do, everywhere you go now…

“See. Kyle is here. She’s safe.”

Elliot holds her close and stares at her angelic face.

“It could have been her,” he says and blinks away his tears.

“But it wasn’t.”

“You know you can’t let them get to you like this, El. They need you to have a clear head so you can be effective. You can’t do your job if you’re a blubbering mess.” They both smile. “You have to remember the ones we do save.”

“We?”

“Sorry. You. You save. I forget sometimes that I’m not a cop anymore.”

“You were one of the best. They never should have let you go.”

“Shoulda Woulda Coulda. It’s all in the past now.”

“Olivia, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Seriously now. What do you see in that guy? I know he’s good looking and has money and everything, but he’s not even your type.”

“What’s my type?”

“Not him.”

“I love him, Elliot. I’m in love with him,” she admits and the confession shocks them both. “He’s everything I need and everything I never thought I would need. I’ve never felt like this before and…I like it. I like being in love and I love being with him.”

“So, this is serious then.”

“This is very serious.”

He nods. “I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you. You guys should get going, it’s late.”

“Yeah,” he agrees and stands. He shifts Kyle to rest against his shoulder and heads to the door.

“I’ll drop her lunch off at school tomorrow,” she says as she helps him with Kyle’s backpack.

“Actually, I think I’m going to keep her home tomorrow. Spend some time with her. It’s been awhile since she and I did something fun. Just the two of us.”

“I’m sure she would really like that.”

She lets them out then closes the door behind them. She turns the light out and heads back to her bedroom. Aidan sleeps with his back to her and she slips off her robe and climbs into bed beside him. He turns to her and slides his arm around her waist and pulls her closer to him. 

“How’d it go?”

“He’ll be ok. Some quality time with Kyle will do him some good.”

“You know, I love you too, right?”

“What?” she tenses.

“I overheard your conversation and I love you too. I just wish you told me first, unless you didn’t mean it.”

She turns to him then.“No, I meant it. I just…It’s just that loving you scares the shit out of me. I had no intention of ever being in this position again, and yet here I am. Again.”

“What position? In love?”

“Vulnerable.”

“Opening your heart to another person is a big risk, but know this: I’m doing the same thing and it scares me too, but I know that loving you is a lot better than not loving you. So I’m willing to take the risk.”

She kisses him chastely. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replies and deepens their kiss. Her hand comes up to tenderly caress his cheek and she opens her mouth to him. “You know this means that you have to meet my mother now,” he mumbles against her lips.

“Ai, let’s not talk about your mother right before we’re about to have sex.”

“Alright,” he acquiesces and shifts on top of her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Fools in Love…

xxx

Aidan sits at his desk, going over the productivity reports on his latest business venture, when the phone rings. He recognizes the number as belonging to his secretary and puts it on speaker. 

“What’s up, Melinda?”

“Sir, I have a Mr. Stabler,” there is a voice in the background, “Sorry, Lt. Stabler here to see you.”

“Tell him I’m busy.”

“I have. He’s rather insistent. He says he only needs a few minutes.”

Aidan rolls his eyes and decides to save his secretary from the ass that is Elliot Stabler. “Fine, send him in, but have security on stand by. We might be needing them.”

“Yes, sir.”

She hangs up the phone and a few seconds later Elliot appears at his door. “Elliot,” Aidan nods.

“Malone,” Elliot responds.

“To what do I owe this displeasure?”

“Look, I didn’t come to fight. I came to talk.”

“You could have called instead”

“You wouldn’t have answered.”

“Touché. So what do you want to talk about?”

“I was talking to Olivia the other night and I realize you guys are pretty serious.”

“You’re just realizing this now?”

“Considering you two were broken up a month ago? Yes. I’m just realizing this now.” 

“So what does that have to do with you?”

“You’re going to be in my daughter’s life a lot more, and I’d like to get to know you better. I was thinking maybe we can grab a beer or something.” 

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I’m sorry, but I don’t associate myself with people like you.”

“People like me? You mean hard working people?”

“No, I mean people who intentionally hurt the people they claim to love in the name of revenge.”

“What are you- Are you talking about the divorce? The divorce was between Olivia and me. That had nothing to do with you. And you’re one to talk. Didn’t you just break up with her?”

“I broke up with her, yes. A decision that hurt us both, but I didn’t throw salt in her wounds by taking away her child away and hooking up with her best friend. You-you BROKE her!” The furry in him surprises them both, but he can see her. He can see her broken and hurt and alone and standing in front of the man who could have stopped it - no - who was the cause of it upsets him in a way he never realized. “The longer I’m with her, the more I see what an amazing and beautiful person she is, inside and out. She’s the rose that grew from concrete and you destroyed her. The more I realize how great she is, the more she climbs out of the protective shell she’s built around herself, the more I see how beautiful her spirit is and what you did to it, the more I hate you for doing what you did to her.”

“My divorce was between Olivia and I-”

“She loved you! And more than anything she loved your daughter, and you took her from her. You knew what that little girl meant to her and you snatched her away from her as some fucked up form of punishment.” 

“You have no idea what happened there, and you can’t say until you have a child of your own. Until you see your two year old daughter on a ventilator and a hole in her chest you can’t judge me! There are two sides to every story-”

“And hers was the truth.”

“You would believe that. You know, just because you’re fucking her-”

Aidan reaches in his desk, pulls out a manila envelope and slaps it on top. “Yeah, I did believe that, but not because I was fucking her. When she told me…I’ve never seen someone that… raw before. That open. So, yeah, I believed her.”

“Then what’s in the envelope?”

“Proof.”

“If you believed her, then why did you need proof?”

“I didn’t. I got it for her. I hired a private company to go over the case and they proved she wasn’t lying. I was going to have one of the News Papers I own print the story. Shame the NYPD for turning their back on one of their own. Clear her name. But she asked me not to. She was afraid of what it would do to Kyle. She was afraid of what it would do to you. After everything you put her through, she still cares about your well being.”

“Then why do you still have it?”

“For you. I knew this day would come when I’d have the pleasure of shoving your mistake down your throat.” He picks up the envelope and hands it to him. “Seems that today is that day.”

Elliot takes the envelope and smiles. “You think some crap company you hired is better than the NYPD? You think they didn’t turn over every piece of garbage trying to clear her name? You think the NYPD was happy about that scandal? Please.”

“Did you know that there was a shooting in that same alley a few weeks before? Patrol was called out from the twenty-sixth precinct at 10:34 PM with a report of shots fired, but upon their investigation there were no suspects and no victims. The bullets recovered from the scene were too mangled to match striation patterns, but could only be determined to match that of a nine millimeter glock. My team went over the alley again. Found more slugs. One matching Olivia’s gun. Another matching the same gun that shot Olivia and Kyle, but according to the police report all bullets fired were recovered. So I guess they missed a couple, which would mean the slugs they have in evidence couldn’t have come from Olivia’s gun. What was also interesting is according to the trajectory, all the bullets were fired from the same spot.”

“You’re lying.”

“It’s all in the envelope. They spoke with the shooter. His story matches hers.”

“He testified under oath-”

Aidan laughs. “And criminals never lie. His word didn’t mean shit. At the time he was trying to get a shorter sentence and Olivia had already been crucified by the media. He would have said anything to save his own skin!”

“So why would he tell you the truth?”

“We paid him.”

“You mean you paid him to tell you what you wanted to hear? That’s not at all surprising. He’s serving a life sentence. Several of them, in fact. He knew he was going to jail so he had no reason to lie.”

“We paid him to hear the real story. His recorded testimony matched everything Olivia told me. Nearly word for word. Look, you don’t have to take my word for it. The evidence is all there. You’re a detective. Go over it yourself. See if they made a mistake. Though I doubt it, considering the company is all ex-law enforcement. All retired at the top of their game. You might even know a few of them. Call them. Their card’s in the envelope.” 

Elliot looks at him and then takes the envelop in his hands. He leaves without another word.

xxx

Elliot sits and watches as they lead Dante Barrow into the cell and sits him down in the ratty chair in front of him. He doesn’t blink. He simply watches as the officer cuffs him to the table and counts to ten. He does everything he can to resist the urge to punch him in the face. Images of his baby girl attached to various tubes and machines comes to mind. The endless crying from her pain - physical or emotional, he will never know, though his gut always told him that it was Olivia she was crying for. What is he thinking? She was a two year old with a bullet hole in her chest. Of course she wanted her mother. He meets Barrow’s cold, dead eyes and attempts to stare into the soul of a monster, though he’s not sure he even has one to begin with. Dante makes himself comfortable. He sinks back into his chair and grins at him. Elliot’s fists clench.

“Long time no see. How’s the missus?”

Elliot doesn’t say a word.

“What? Cat got ya tongue? Or maybe she’s a sore subject. Heard things didn’t end too well for you there. What about that little girl of yours? She was a sweet little thing,” he grins slyly.

Elliot reaches across the table, slams his head against it, and holds him there. “Talk about my daughter again, and I swear it will be the last sentence you ever utter again.”

“You can’t do this! Guard!!!”

Elliot snickers. “No one can hear you. It’s just me and you, and you’re cuffed to a table. So I’m going to tell you how this is going to go: I’m going to ask the questions and you’re going to answer them.” He lets him go and sits back in his seat.

Dante sits up and licks the blood from his lip. “I ain’t saying shit. At least…”he grins. “Not without a little incentive. My commissary account’s running low.”

“You’re not getting a dime out of me.”

“Then I have nothing to say.”

“You know, I read up on you before I came over here. They passed you around like a new toy. I’m surprised you can even sit down. How many stitches did it take to close you up after Big Tony got through with you?”

Dante shifts uncomfortably. “What’s it to you?” 

“Well, according to my research, Big Tony got turned out by Pearson. Pearson had a niece named Molly Hurwitz. That is, until you found her one day at the mall.” Dante swallows hard. “I never took no girl named Molly.”

“Oh, but you did. I think once he gets a hold of you, you’ll pray for death.”

“What do you want to know?”

“What happened that day in the alley? I want the truth.”

“I was looking for my next girl. The one I had was done. I had no use for her anymore. She was used goods. So I’m walking and I hear some brat screaming. I turn around and I see that dumb bitch cop with some screaming kid. I duck into the alley and wait for her to pass only she doesn’t. I think she’s calling back up and looking to trap me. She had to have spotted me. Next thing I know she ducks into the alley except there’s no other cops. She doesn’t even have her gun pulled. She’s trying to clean ice cream off the kid’s face. So I figure this is my chance to get rid of her you know? Besides, if I let her go, in five minutes there would be cops all over the place. So I get my gun ready. She hears me and looks up. First she begs me to let her take the kid I have with me. When I made it clear I wasn’t giving up anything she begged me to let her go. There was no way that was happening either. Not without some insurance that I was getting away. So I told her to give me her kid. She wouldn’t give her up. So I told her if she didn’t give her to me I was gonna shoot her. She still wouldn’t give her up so I got pissed and shot her.” 

“Shot who? Olivia or my daughter?!”

“I didn’t mean to shoot the broad. She tried to protect the kid and got in the way.”

“Protect her? Protect her how?”

“I don’t know. She liked hugged her or something. All I know is I shot her instead of the kid.”

“So you shot Olivia, why would you shoot my daughter as well? She was just a baby.”

“I didn’t! All hell was breaking loose and people were running and screaming. So I tried to take the kid and make a run for it, but when I finally got her away from the stupid bitch the kid wasn’t moving. She was just bleeding everywhere. At first I thought it was the bitch’s blood, but when I was carrying her, I could feel it coming out of her too, so I just left her.”

That’s why so much of Olivia’s blood was on Kyle’s clothes.

“You used Olivia’s gun. Why?”

“I was trying to see if she had any cash on her. I found the gun in her purse. I fired a couple shots to make it look like a shoot out. That way, if anything, I could claim self defense. Turns out that was a good idea.”

Elliot resists the urge to choke him.

“I wiped it off and put it in her hand.”

That’s why there was gunshot residue on her. It was transfer. They couldn’t perform an accurate test because of all the blood.

“Then you ran away and left them to die.”

“Every man for himself, you know,” Dante shrugs.

This time Elliot can’t control himself. He’s up and across the table in seconds and all he sees is red. It’s not until he feels the guards pulling him away that he realizes that it’s because Dante’s blood is the source of all the red. He shrugs them off, and grabs Dante by the collar. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE FUCKING DONE?!?! A piece of shit like you doesn’t deserve to live. Be sure to give Pearson my best.” He shoves him back and leaves him in the hands of the guards.

“Hey!!! We had a deal!”

“Yeah, well I lied. How’s it feel?”

xxx

Elliot storms into the Police commissioner’s office, livid. He bypasses the administrative staff and heads straight for the man’s office. He ignores Morrison’s secretary and her polite “Sir, you can’t go in there,” and slams the door in her face. Morrison looks up from his desk and is outraged by Elliot’s brash antics.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

“We need to talk.”

“Then you need to call and make an appoint-”

“I don’t have time to wait five months just so I can have fifteen minutes with you. I want to talk NOW!”

“Well, I have an important meeting with the joint staff. This is going to have to wait,” he says as he stands up from around his desk and begins to collect his papers.

“No, you have a seat, otherwise I’m going to slap this department with a lawsuit so big it will cost you and your next three replacements their pension.” 

“What is this about?”

“Olivia Benson, remember her?”

“Yes, isn’t she the woman you berated at the NYPD appreciation banquet?”

“Yeah, she’s also my ex-wife and a former first grade detective of the NYPD. That is until one of the perps she was chasing shot her and my daughter, and your so called detectives and lab techs and experts said it was her fault.”

“Well, if the evidence said she was guilty, there was nothing I can do-” 

Elliot tosses a file on his desk. “The evidence was wrong.”

“Says who.”

“Says a reputable PI company that employs some our best retired and ex-detectives.”

“So what would you like me to do?”

“Well, for starters, I want you to issue an apology to her. A personal apology. As I recall you’re big on those. No, make that a public personal apology. I don’t want my daughter to Google her mother one day and have it say that she was responsible for getting her shot. Then I want you to pay her out the entire sum of her pension. Every last dime.”

“Now see here-”

“If you don’t I will sue. I’ve been talking with my union rep and Randall Harowit, you know, the man who’s made his entire career and fortune off of suing the NYPD. Both of which think I have a good case, and I’ll talk to any reporter that will listen and tell them where all the bodies are buried.”

“You’re a cop, Elliot. Through and Through. Blue is in your blood. It was in your father’s blood as well-”

“Yeah, my father that dedicated twenty-five years of his life to the force and you screwed over because he didn’t want to rat out his fellow officers. You didn’t even give him his pension. After twenty-five years of loyal service. Do you know what it was like for my family after that? Nevermind. I love my job. I’m good at it, but I’m tired of the NYPD taking things away from me. I lost my first family because of this job, and today I found out I loss my second family because of this job. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for my daughter, and for Olivia. They both deserve to have her name cleared.”

“You do realize this can open up a number of other cases. Rapists you’ve put away. Child molesters you’ve put away. Countless murderers. Are you willing to risk setting them free all for clearing your ex-wife’s name.”

“I am. My daughter means more to me than this job ever will, she deserves to grow up without this hanging over her head.”

“The pension, no press meeting.”

“I’m not bargaining.”

“You know your track record isn’t exactly clean.”

“I think that’s a conversation we should be having with my union rep. I’m not backing down on this. My next steps are going to be speaking to the press. Any reporter that will listen, and I’m going to slap this department with a lawsuit so big it’ll cost you and everyone above you their job and then some.” 

“You would really betray your brothers in blue? After everything you’ve been through together.”

“I was Olivia’s partner for fifteen years. She was my brother in blue. I watched her sacrifice a personal life, her safety, her sanity. Blood, sweat, and tears, she gave to this force-”

“She gave to the community. The people she swore to protect and serve.”

“She gave to the FORCE! And the force turned their back on her when she needed them the most. Brothers in blue is bullshit! You personally signed her termination papers. The order came down from you. YOU turned your back on her.”

“Coming after me and the force is not going to assuage your guilt over turning your back on your wife and the mother of your child.”

“Yeah, but it’s a start. You have forty-eight hours,” Elliot tells him before leaving the same way he came.

 

xxx

Elliot stands in the alley and takes in his surroundings, glancing at the crime scene photos in his hand as a reference. He paces from side to side, playing the role of shooter and protective mother. He’s studied the crime scene photos immensely over the past few days and he swears he knows them by heart, but he wants to be sure. There is no more room for errors. It’s funny because originally he couldn’t bear to look at them. It hurt too much. It hurt two days ago. Seeing his child’s blood stain the pavement. His wife’s. It hurt. He stares at that same slab of concrete. The blood has long since been washed away, but the pain caused by that day still remains.

“I was standing about here.” He looks up and is surprised to see Olivia standing mere feet away from him. “He was right there. Right where you’re standing now.” She takes a few steps bends down and reverently touches the pavement. “This is where he left her to die,” her voice cracks and she stands. “I used to sleep here. When I was working the streets. At first I couldn’t go near it. It haunted me, but then I realized it was the last place I held her in my arms.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried.”

“Why did you just let me go?”

“You wouldn’t listen.”

He marches over to her. “You should have MADE me listen! You should have tried HARDER!” She stares at him with sympathy in her eyes. “Why? Wh- this was our marriage. Our family!” He fights back tears.

“You’ve got to let this go, Elliot. It’s not going to change anything.”

“Let this go? Let this go?! How- how can you be so ok with this?”

“Because I had to be ok with it! I understand that you just found this out a few days ago, but you have to realize that I’ve known this all along. If I was going to survive I had to be ok with it. I’ve made my peace with this. I had to. If I was going to get my daughter back and move on with my life, I had to let it go. You need to do the same.”

“I can’t. I-I-Why are you even here?”

“I got a call yesterday morning from Morrison wanting to set up a press conference and pay me my pension. In full. I interrogated Aidan into telling me that he told you and, according to Melinda, you’ve been interrogating everyone in CSU. At the rate you’re going, you’re going to tarnish what’s left of your career.”

“I don’t. Care. They-”

“You can’t blame them, Elliot. Not without blaming yourself too.”

“I do blame myself. I should have defended you. I was your husband. Your partner. I should have had your back.”

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Elliot, you’ve got to let this go and get back to work. Your department needs you.”

“Are you going to accept Morrison’s offer?”

“No. I’m trying to move on with my life.”

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll let this go if you take Morrison’s offer. Not for me. For Kyle.”

“Elliot-”

“She’s going to Google you one day or be Googled and that story is what they’re going to see. It shouldn’t be what she sees. It should be everything else. The cases you closed. The people you helped. The lives you saved. Not your involvement in her attempted murder. Please.”

She sighs. “For Kyle?”

“For Kyle.”

xxx

“Can I have another?” Elliot asks the bartender and frowns when he gives him a look. “I’ll give you my keys.”

“Don’t bother. Your ride is here.”

Elliot looks at a slightly blurred figure that he’s seen enough times to recognize as Fin. “You called him here?” he asks the bartender.

“No, I called him,” Fin answers.

“Where’s my drink!” Elliot demands of the bartender.

“You’re done for the night.” Fin answers for him.

“I’m done when I says I’m done,” Elliot slurs. 

“Well, I say you’re done, and I dare you to challenge me on that one.”

Elliot sighs. “You’re lucky I’m drunk. Otherwise I’d take on all thwee of yous.”

“What’s going on? I’ve been covering your ass all week while you’ve been AWOL then I get a call that you’re here tying one on. Not to mention the rumors about you and 1PP. Do you want to explain to me what’s been going on?”

“We were wrong.”

“Wrong about what?”

“Liv. The shooting. It was all just…” he searches his drunk brain for the right word. “An accident.”

“What are you talking about? We went over her case file together. Everything was spot on.”

“Not the ballistics.” 

“Of course they were. I was there when they did the scene recreation. The lasers lined up perfectly.”

“They had the wrong bullets.”

“What? How?”

Elliot pushes the file on the counter towards Fin. “The bullets collected were too damaged to match the striations to Olivia’s gun, but because they were the right size and make it was assumed that they came from her gun. That asshole she’s been dating hired a PI firm to look into her case. They found bullets from her gun in the concrete of one of the buildings in the alley.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he paid them enough to get the results he wanted.” 

“He hired Minnelli’s firm. Minnelli himself headed up the case. Our labs confirmed everything they found.” 

“So that means…”

“We were wrong. We stood back and let them crucify her. She needed us to have her back and we left her on her own.”

Fin continues to flip through the file then stops and sighs. “Can I get a beer. Tap.” He looks over at Elliot. The last time he saw him this down was right after the shooting. “You can’t blame yourself, man.”

“She was my wife. She needed me. We said for better or worse and when things got worse I left. I left her. I took her kid and I left her. I made sure she never saw Kyle and then I started dating Casey. We could have been together.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Sure we had our problems, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t fix. We could have worked through it… been together. We could be raising my son together.”

“Shawn’s yours?”

“He has to be. We hooked up once a little over a year ago. Timing fits.”

“Then why haven’t you gone to court and established paternity?”

“I can’t afford it. I’m up to my ears in Kathleen’s school loan payments so my credit’s shot. She’s inconsistent with her meds so we’re dealing with that. Then we have Eli. Caught a break with the twins getting those scholarships, but I still have my mortgage, and Kyle. I can’t afford the court fees. The lawyers fees. The DNA tests.”

“That’s rough, man. I know how much you love your kids.” 

“It’s my fault. I should have stood by her.”

“Yeah, but what’s done is done. The question is what are you going to do about it now?”

Elliot stares at him with conviction in his eyes. “Win her back.”

xxx

Olivia puts down her copy of Memoirs of a Geisha and grins at the man lying beside her. “What?”

“How long have you been wearing glasses?” he asks. I’ve never seen you in them before.”

“A girl’s gotta have her secrets.”

“You kinda have this naughty librarian thing going on. I like…” He says and pulls off her glasses and puts them on his face.

“You look kind of debonair.”

“Do I?” He moves over her and kneels between her knees. He pulls his T-shirt over his head. “How do I look now?” 

She grins. “We’ve been fucking like bunnies the past few weeks.”

“I haven’t heard you complaining,” he says as he kisses her neck. She moans beneath him and her lips seek his.

He never will.

“I want you to meet my parents.” 

“We’re about to have se-” His fingers slip past her panties and slide inside her. The book falls from her fingers, long forgotten, and thuds to the floor. Neither seems to notice or care.

“Will you meet them?” he asks and his ministrations stop.

“You know this is coercion.”

“This isn’t one of your interrogation rooms. There are no rules here. Will you meet them?”

She pulls her glasses from his face, stares into his cerulean blues and knows her decision has already been made.

I should know, because this fool’s in love again…

 

 

XXXX

 

As always, thanks for reading!!! Now my beta a bit of bad news. My beta is on vacation at Disney living it up. I’m not sure when she’ll be back, so it may be a couple weeks before I post again. Sorry. =( At least you won’t have to wait a month! =D

Music Credits: Fools in Love-Inara George


	14. Young and Beautiful

Chapter 14-Young and Beautiful

“Explain to me again why I’m doing this?” Olivia asks as Aidan pulls the car into the driveway of the Pennsylvanian brownstone. 

“It’s important that my parents meet the woman I’m in love with.” He puts the car in park and turns off the ignition before climbing out.

“But you don’t even like your parents,” she argues when he opens her door. He leans down and kisses her lips.

“You’ll be fine.”

“I don’t do well with parents.”

“What are you talking about? Elliot’s mother loves you. She calls, like, everyday,” the annoyance in his tone is palpable as he walks over to the trunk of the car.

“Bernie likes me because I didn’t let Elliot write her out of his life when we got married, and she loves Kyle. So, by extension, she loves me. She’s the same way with Kathy.”

He swings his duffle over his shoulder and hers over the other. “Well, I want to give my parents a chance to love you as well. Think of it as a common courtesy.” He tells her as she lifts Shawn from his car seat and hands him to her. He takes his baby bag as well. “I know I do,” he mumbles to himself. She stares at him seriously. “It’s just a couple days. You can make it a couple days,” he tells her before heading up the pathway and ringing the doorbell. 

“Remember I told you so when this goes horribly wrong,” she gets out just before the door opens. 

“Mother,” Aidan says and greets his mother with a functionary kiss on the cheek. “Dad,” he greets the tall older gentleman standing behind his mother. They shake hands and Aidan steps back beside Olivia. “Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend Olivia, and her son Shawn,” Aidan points out the baby that rests comfortably against his mother’s chest.

Olivia puts out her hand for Aidan’s mother to shake, and the older woman reciprocates the gesture. Her cold brown eyes rake over her form. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you too, and thank you for inviting us into your home Mrs. Malone,” Olivia greets.

“Well, come in, you’re letting out the heat. Aidan, why don’t you show Olivia to the guest room. I made up your room for you.”

“Mom, we’re not sleeping in separate rooms.” 

“Yes, you are. You know we don’t allow that sort of thing in our house.”

“Since when? The last time-”

“Aidan, I will not hear any more of this. This is our house and our rules.”

“Yeah, the house that I bought you,” Aidan mutters under his breath.

“Excuse me?”

“I didn’t say anything, Mother.”

“I thought you mentioned how you bought us this house, but that can’t be right, because clearly you don’t remember your father and I spending our entire life savings and then some saving your life.”

“I remember, Mother.”

“Good. Now show Olivia where she will be staying.”

Aidan leads the way and Olivia follows quietly behind him. He heads up a small set of stairs and stops half way down the hall and opens a door for her. She walks in and he follows in quietly behind her closing the door behind them.

“This is where flowers come to die,” Olivia states in awe. 

The entire room matched. From the curtains to the bedspread and the walls. All of it was a warm yellow, patterned with red pianese, allowing the dark mahogany furniture to stand out.

“Yeah, I only bought the house. As you can clearly see, I did not decorate it.”

“Did she have all of this specially made?”

“I don’t know what she did. I’m just glad that I can say that I didn’t pay for it.”

Olivia lays Shawn down in the middle of the bed and removes her coat before removing his then she lays beside him. Aidan does the same and she stares at him over her son’s golden curls. “You ok?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I finally get why you don’t visit your parents that often.”

He smirks, but doesn’t say anything. He merely stares at the sleeping baby that rests beside him.

“Ai, why do you do this to yourself?”

“Because I’m adopted.”

She stares at him in shock. “What?”

“I’m adopted. They’re my parents, Liv. The only family I’ve got. I guess there’s some part of me that still hopes that they’ll change and that they’ll love me. I just want someone to love me.”

“Aidan I love you.”

“I know, but it’s not the same…”

Olivia nods in understanding. She remembers countless times where she wanted to believe the same about her own mother. “You know when my mother was alive…there were times where I resented her. For not being able to stop drinking. For not wanting to. Not even for me. Then I found out about her rape and I resented myself for causing her so much pain. I felt responsible for his actions; it’s why I became a cop. I devoted so much of my life to fighting her battles. When I was younger there were times when my mom would stop drinking and she would be this amazing woman. Smart. Beautiful. Graceful. Amazing. She used to have her students over to discuss Chaucer and Salinger and Morrison, depending on the classes she was teaching that semester and the way they would hang on her every word. They would be completely mesmerized by her and I would too. At those times I wanted to be her. But after they left she would drink and she would turn into this invalid. And I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just be the other woman all the time. And then one day. I just accepted her. I accepted who she was. I accepted that her wounds would never heal and that she would always turn to alcohol to numb her pain. I accepted that I would always be a permanent reminder of the worst day of her life. I still loved her, but I stopped letting my love for her hurt me in the process.” 

“You saying I should forget about my parents?”

“No, I’m saying that if you’re going to love them, then you need to love them as they are, for who they are. You can’t keep coming here and hoping that they’ve changed in the time that’s passed. You’re only hurting yourself that way.”

He doesn’t say anything more, he only continues to gaze at the sleeping babe.

“He’s amazing when he sleeps,” she smiles. Olivia rakes her eyes over her son and takes in the little miracle that is her child. She loves everything about him. She loves his golden dirty blonde curls. She loves that his skin appears sun kissed even though the current New York winter ensures that the sun is nothing but a distant memory. She loves his bright blue eyes, currently shielded from view by closed eyelids and long eyelashes. She loves his cute little button nose and cupid bow lips. His chubby cheeks and pudgy fingers and toes. She loves the way he babbles in his crib when he wakes up. She loves that he always seems to smile when he sees her. She loves that he is fascinated by anything and everything around him. She loves his mischievous smile when he’s up to no good. He is her baby and she loves him dearly. 

“He’s amazing all the time…” he agrees. “Olivia,” she tears her eyes away from her beautiful boy. “What do you think about me possibly adopting him?” 

“What?”

“I want to be in his life. Watch him grow up. I want him to be my son.” 

“Aiden I…”

“Look, I don’t need an answer right now. Take your time. Think about it.”

“I’m going to go grab the pack and play. You mind staying here and making sure he doesn’t roll off the bed?”

“Uh, sure,” he watches her get up and can feel a subtle shift in their relationship. “Livia, are we ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back.”

He watches her leave, then sits and waits anxiously for her to return. He knows how she is about her children, Shawn in particular. He’s the one she doesn’t have to share. He’s the one she gets to come home to everyday. He’s the one she gets to make all the rules for. There are no legal custody arrangements when it comes to him. The only signature on his birth certificate is hers. No one can sue her for custody. Only the state can take him from her, and she will move to Timbuktu before she’d let them within ten feet of her son. He just asked her to give up that freedom and they’ve only been seeing each other for a few months. He realizes he’s an idiot for letting his feelings get the best of him. She returns with the pack and play in hand and he nearly leaps off the bed at her arrival. 

“Olivia, I just want you to know that you can say no if you want.”

“I know I can say no. He’s my son.”

“Yeah, but you should know that I would completely understand if-”

“Aidan, I said I would think about it. So let me think about it. Now, can you set this thing up and tuck him in bed? Your mother asked if I could help her with dinner.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Wait - she what?” 

“So I packed a couple blankets, you can use those-”

“My mother never asks for help in the kitchen. She’s up to something.”

“I figured as much. You can handle Shawn?”

“Yeah.” 

“Great. I’ll be in the kitchen. Let me know if he wakes up.”

“Wait, are we ok?”

“We’re fine.”

She heads for the door and he grabs her hand before she can leave. “Seriously.”

“Seriously,” she smiles reassuringly, but he is anything but assured.

He decides to let it go. “Alright.”

*

Olivia rolls up her sleeves and washes her hands in the sink. “So, what can I you help with?”

“Well, I’m working on the bread. Can you make the salad?”

“Sure. What should I make it in?”

“Oh everything is already washed and waiting for you right there.”

“Alright I’ll get started then.” She begins by picking up lettuce and peeling away some of the leaves. “What are you making? It smells delicious.”

“Chicken Parmigiana. It’s Aidy’s favorite.” 

“Really. He’s never mentioned it before.” Not to mention she’s pretty sure he’s told her that he hates chicken parm.

“He loves it. Every times he comes to visit, I make sure to make it. Wait until your little boy goes away. You’ll be doing the same.”

“Oh, I already do that for my daughter when she comes over. Every Friday night we do Fetuccini Alfredo.”

“Daughter? I didn’t know you had another child.”

Shit.

She curses herself inwardly for letting that one slip. “Yeah, she’s five.”

“Oh, and where is she now?”

“With her father. It’s his weekend to have her.” 

“Well, that’s good. Children need to spend time with their fathers. Were you two ever married?”

“We were. It didn’t work out.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Work. We were both working very stressful jobs at the time and it got in the way of our marriage.”

“So, what is it that he does?”

“He’s a cop. A lieutenant in the NYPD.”

“Really? Morty is a retired Lawyer. He worked for the city’s DA’s office at one point when he first started out, but then he joined a big firm and was on his way to making partner, but then Aidan got sick.”

“Oh. Aidan never told me that.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Why’s that?”

“Oh, no reason. You know what, I can finish up the salad from here. Why don’t you go wash up. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”

*

They sit around the table and the tension is more than palpable. She doesn’t know what to make of it because dinners at her house are usually a joyous occasion. Even when it is quiet, it’s comfortable. Even Shawn can feel the strain between the individuals around him, so much so that he sits quietly in Aidan’s lap. Normally he would grab at anything within arm’s length and insist on Aidan entertaining him, but not tonight. He sits quietly with his pacifier in place, the perfect picture of innocence. 

“So, Olivia,” his mother begins, “What do you do again for work?”

“I work in administration,” she lies casually.

“Really, and you make enough to live in the city?”

“Mother,” Aidan warns.

“Yes, I’m very good at my job.”

“Is that how you met my son?”

You could say that.

“Yes.”

“And how did you meet your husband? Aidan, did you know Olivia was married once before?” 

“Mother,” Aidan warns. “This is not the time.” He looks at his mother with all seriousness in his eyes, and pleads with her to let it go.

“I think we need to have this out now. Everything should be out in the open.”

“No, we don’t.”

“Clearly we do. You tell us you’re serious about this woman and we know nothing about her. Then today I find out that not only does she have a baby that’s nearly a year old, but a daughter as well. From a previous relationships.”

“I knew that, Mother. She’s never hidden that from me.”

“You need to be more careful about the women you associate yourself with.”

“Olivia, I am so sorry.” Aidan apologizes. Olivia sits there, stunned. 

Is there anyway we can go back to the intense silence?

“Don’t apologize, we’re trying to protect you.”

“I’m a grown man Mother, I can take care of myself.”

“Yes, like you did with Cynthia?”

“I admit Cynthia was a bad choice.”

“How about Jennifer? Or Jasmine? Or-or-”

“Mom, I dated them casually. Nothing serious ever happened with them.”

“You were living with Jennifer, and engaged.”

“Yes, for a month. We were 22.”

“You should have married Rebekah!” 

“She was a nice girl,” Aidan’s father chimes in.

“Dad, don’t help.”

“Don’t speak to your father that way, and Yes! She was a nice girl. A nice Jewish girl!”

“Who was only marrying me for my money!”

“You had planned the wedding and everything. Two days before you’re supposed to walk down the aisle, you call it off. A waste!”

“I’d rather lose all that money than be stuck in a marriage to someone who doesn’t really love me.”

“She did love you. You should’ve heard her when she called me and begged me to talk some sense into you.”

“If she knew me at all, she would have known that going through you was the wrong way to go. She didn’t love me. End of story.”

“And she does?!” She motions to Olivia. “A divorcé with one bastard child, and who knows about the other one.”

“Excuse me?!” Olivia chimes in.

“Mother, you’re out of line.”

“And you’re being stupid! She’s looking for someone to take care of her and her kids. She already has you thinking about adopting this one,” she gestures to Shawn.

“You were listening in on us-”

“That’s enough!” Olivia seethes. “Hate and despise me all you want, but you will NOT bring my children into this. I don’t want your son’s money. Never have. Never will. I love him. It’s as simple as that. If that’s something you can’t comprehend, then that’s on you. Maybe you would know a little bit more about me if you actually got to know your son and could have a real conversation with him, where he felt comfortable enough to tell you about me. Now, I’m not going to sit here and listen to you defame my character after knowing me all of five minutes. I’d like to say it was a pleasure, but then I’d be lying. Aidan, can you hand me my son?”

He wordlessly passes the baby over to her and watches as she takes him upstairs.

“Mother that was completely out of line!”

“I had to-”

“No! You didn’t! This is MY life! MY LIFE! Who are you to interfere?!”

“Don’t yell at your Mother!” his father admonishes.

“Oh Dad, butt out. You’re good at that.”

“Don’t talk to your father that way! I’m your mother! The woman who took care of you when you were sick and spent her entire fortune keeping you alive, and he’s the man that spent every dime he had paying your medical bills.”

“Yes, and you never let me forget it! It always comes back to that,” he shakes his head. “Thanks. For paying to save my life. But it’s still my life, and I’m going to do what I want with it.” With that he leaves the table and follows Olivia upstairs.

He finds her in the midst of zipping up her bag. Shawn sits quietly on the bed, her cell phone in hand. “I’m so sorry.” He begins.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“If I had known-”

“Don’t. Worry. About. It.” She grabs Shawn’s coat and begins to put it on him. He helps her out by pushing his hands into the proper holes.

“You’re leaving?”

“You really expect me to stay here? After that?!” she points at the door.

“I know, but it’s late-”

“Please, it’s like seven.”

“Where are you going?”

“I called a cab. It’s taking me to the nearest airport or train station or whatever. Whichever offers me the fastest way of getting back to New York.”

“Ok. Let me come with you-”

“No. You should stay here with your parents. Wouldn’t want them to think I’ve poisoned you against them on top of tricking you into falling in love with me and wanting to adopt my son.”

“Olivia, we both know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, but maybe they’re right.”

“What?”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be together. Maybe you should be with Becky or Joan or whatever the fuck her name is.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying maybe we should take some space to think things over.”

“I don’t need any space. I don’t have anything to think over.”

“But I do.”

“Olivia, before we came here we were happy and everything was fine between us.”

“No. We were ignoring what was there all along. I’m a divorced mother of two and ex prostitute who is about to turn forty. You’re a thirty-five year old self made millionaire. In what world does this work?! In what world are we together?!”

“In this one!!! Olivia, I love you!”

“You can do better.”

“There is no one better. Olivia, you heard my mother. I’ve dated so many other girls and none of them have ever worked out.”

“Well, add me to the list,” she says and picks Shawn up. She settles him on her hip and picks up her bags as well. “Can you bring his pack and play back home with you?”

“No,” he says and knocks her bags out of her hand. “No, you’re not leaving like this. Not this way. This isn’t the way we end.”

“Well, this is the way I’m ending it.”

“No, you’re not. I’m calling a car service. You’re going to cancel the cab and-”

“I’m not taking anything from you. I don’t want your mother to think-”

“I don’t care what my mother thinks. We are getting a room in the city and we are going to talk this out.”

“There’s nothing to work out.”

“There’s everything to work out.Olivia, if you still feel the same way in the morning, then fine. We will both agree to go our separate ways, but you’re hurt and you’re angry and you’re not thinking straight. A day or two from now you don’t want to look back on this as a mistake you made out of anger.” 

His words resonate with her. Elliot had divorced her and snatched her daughter from her in a fit of rage, only to find out later that it had all been one giant misunderstanding. He had torn their family apart because he had allowed his emotions to control his actions, and here she was, about to make the same mistake. The difference was he took her daughter and kept her from her out of spite. She was breaking up with Aidan out of love. The truth was he could do better than her. It has always been at the back of her mind, and she has ignored it because she loves him and she loves being with him. But tonight it is something that she can no longer ignore. On some level, his mother was right: he could do better than her, and she loves him enough to let him go so that he could go and find that love.

“I’m not making this decision because I’m angry. I’m making it because your mother is right and I love you too much to watch you throw your life away by being with me.”

He sighs and sits on the bed and stares as she tries to blink away her tears. “Do me a favor?” he asks.

“Ai…”

“Take the night. Get some rest. Start fresh in the morning. Not here, I know, but somewhere. I mean look at him. He’s been traveling all day. He’s exhausted.” 

She looks at her baby who rubs his eyes tiredly and sighs. “Fine.”

“And let me call a service for you, get you set up somewhere safe for the night.”

“Aidan, I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to pay-”

“Fine. Give me your credit card. I won’t pay for a thing.”

*

She arrives at the hotel and allows the driver to open her door and help her with her bags. She’s glad that she allowed Aidan to convince her to get some rest. Shawn hasn’t stopped rubbing his eyes since they left Aidan’s parents’ house. She feels bad. He’s been fighting sleep all night. She could use some sleep as well. A staff member opens the door for her and takes her bags from the driver. “Welcome to the Four Seasons, Ms. Benson. We’ve been expecting you.”

“What?”

“Right this way.”

They bypass the concierge and head straight for the elevators. “I don’t have to check in?”

“Mr. Malone took care of everything, Ma’am. He said to make sure you get to your room as soon as possible.”

They take the elevator up to the tenth floor and he uses a key card to open her door then steps back to allow her entry.

He’s standing there waiting for her. 

“Aidan,” she sighs. 

“Thanks, Tommy. That envelope there is for you.”

“Thank you, sir. You two enjoy your stay. Good night.”

“Good night.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but he stops her before she can get a word out. “I know. I’m going to take him,” he reaches over and takes Shawn from her. “And you are going to take a nice long bath,” he leads her to the bathroom where he has already drawn her a soothing bubble bath. Candles have been lit and the aroma of lavender, jasmine, and vanilla fill the air. “...while I put him to bed and then we are going to talk.” Once again she opens her mouth, but he cuts her off instead. “And I’m not taking no for an answer.” He leaves her be and really, she is far too exhausted to argue with him. 

She strips her clothes and climbs into the warm bath. The temperature is just right and she allows herself to relax and take it all in. She knows what he is going to say and that he will want her to change her mind, but she can’t. Can she? She loves Aidan with all her heart and nothing would make her happier than to be able to tell his mother to go fuck herself, but really, isn’t Aidan getting the short end of this deal here? She gets this amazing man who loves her and makes her happy, and meanwhile he gets this woman who is used goods and has been tossed aside.

“No, I don’t.”

She opens her eyes and is surprised to see him standing there. “I’m sorry what?”

“You were mumbling out loud. You do that sometimes when you sleep. You’re not used goods to me, Olivia.”

“But I am,” she cries. She brings her hand up to swipe away her tears, but it is covered in soap. He does her a favor and wipes them away for her.

“Olivia, you’re the first woman to love me for me. To call me out on my shit. To truly make me happy.” 

“But your mother-”

“My mother has ulterior motives.” 

“Does it make what she said wrong?”

“Yes! She doesn’t know us, Olivia, and most of all, she doesn’t know you.”

“My mom wants to know that, should I get sick again or get hit by a car chasing after the woman I’m in love with,” she smiles, “She would inherit my fortune. What kind of parent hopes to bury their child? She’s the gold digger, not you. She likes to scare away any woman that gets in the way of that. She basically scares away anything that gets in the way of her plans.”

“That’s morbid.”

“That’s my mother. Can I join you?”

She nods and watches as he removes his clothes to stand before her with his bare, sculpted body. She moves forward to give him space behind her, but is surprised when he sits in front of her instead. He makes room for himself between her legs and rests against her bare chest. She can’t help but smile at his antics. “You’re not the only one who needs some rest. She is my mother after all.”

“She’s a piece of work.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Do you think that she’s right?”

“Olivia, if I truly believed you were after me for my money we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“But you’re ok. With me being-with my…past.”

“Olivia, if you’re asking if I like the fact you used to be a prostitute, the answer is no. But you’ve always been honest with me. I knew who you were when we started to get serious, and that’s always what mattered to me. Your past is simply that: Your past. I will never fault you for that.” 

“But you can find someone-”

“I don’t want to find someone. I want to be with you.” 

She’s not entirely reassured by his words, but she doesn’t want to lose him. She wants to live in the moment and enjoy this time with him. “Why didn’t it work out with those other women?”

He shrugs.

“Tell me. I realized on the ride here that we’ve spent so much time talking about my past we never talked about yours. So tell me, what happened?”

“Alright,” he smiles to himself as memories fill his mind. “Cynthia or Cindy as I used to call her was my first real girlfriend. We met sophomore year in college. Became fuck buddies. We made it official junior year and moved in together after we graduated. I proposed to her on graduation day.”

“So what went wrong?”

“We couldn’t stand each other. Little things. Dishes in the sink. Clothes on the floor. Leaving the seat up. She was just starting out and wasn’t brining in that much money. She wanted me to use my savings from my real estate ventures to support us since what I was pulling in was basically covering the rent and not much else. I was spending most of my time interning and learning the raider business instead of selling real estate, and I wanted my savings to make my first real investment. We lasted a whole six months, but we parted on good terms. Then there was Jennifer. I fell in love with her free spirit. We got engaged after six whole weeks of nonstop weed, lust, and sex. When we finally got sober we realized that we couldn’t stand each other and that was that. The others were just girls I dated here and there anywhere from one month to two years. Then there’s Rebekah. I thought she walked on air. We were together five years. My mother was over the moon in love with her. That should have been my first warning sign there, but I thought it was a good thing and that it meant maybe we could be a regular family. They thought the arrangement was perfect. Her father was an investment banker. Her mother was a doctor so she came from money. She was a double Harvard grad. Both undergrad and law school. She was perfect. Or so I believed. A couple days before the wedding I came home early to prepare for the festivities and overheard her on the phone. She was telling her friend how she couldn’t believe this was happening. How she never thought I would marry her and couldn’t wait till it was final. Of course she would wait until we had two kids before filing for divorce that way I would always be at her mercy and the prenup wouldn’t matter because she’d be making enough off the child support. What threw me was the fact that my mother was involved. She would vouch for her as long as she was taken care of. Invited to all the fancy events we threw. I was devastated.” 

“Ai I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not. Yeah, that thing about my mother sucked, but I’m not sorry about Rebekah. Because while I was devastated at first and heartbroken and vowed never to love again it was actually a blessing in disguise. About a year later I saw this beautiful woman. And my first thought was wow, I have to have her. Then I met her and she was quirky and smart and not afraid to give me a hard time and my second thought was wow, I have to marry her.”

“What?”

I've seen the world. Done it all. Had my cake now. Diamonds, brilliant. And Bel Air now…

His soapy fingers glide over hers and when he lets go there is a diamond on her finger. Its band is made of tiny diamonds with a large six carat emerald cut diamond that stares back at her. 

He turns and looks at her. “Marry me,” he whispers. Her lips move to form words that he doesn’t want to hear. In this moment there is only one word that matters. Only one word he wants to hear, so he asks her again. “Marry me.”

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?

Her eyes fill with tears and there is so much emotion in her throat. So many reasons why they can’t work. Why she should cut her losses and run. But…

She loves him.

She loves him more than she ever thought she could. More than she ever wanted to. She loves everything about him and there is nothing more that she wants than to be able to spend her life with him being as blissfully happy together as they are now, but there are so many obstacles.

“Your mother.”

“She doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want to come bet-”

“She doesn’t matter. Marry me.”

Hot summer nights, mid July. When you and I were forever wild. The crazy days, city lights the way you'd play with me like a child…

She takes a deep breath and stares at the ring on her finger. She can see the life she’s always dreamed of in its many facets. She can see them making love in the early dusk of dawn, just as the sun kisses the sky. Nights sleeping in his arms. She can see Christmas mornings by the fire as they watched their children open their presents. Graduations, birthdays, and weddings. She can see laughter and warmth and love. She can see it all and it’s all within her reach; there’s no reason why she cannot have it, and yet she cannot grasp at it because she is afraid. She’s afraid because she’s had it all once before. She had a husband, and nights in his arms. She had Christmases and fires and warmth and love and she let it slip through her fingers. She let it fall and watched it shatter on the floor and has never been the same since, but she wants this. She deserves this. 

Hot summer days, rock 'n' roll. The way you play for me at your show. And all the ways I got to know. Your pretty face and electric soul…

So she takes this and everything it has to offer her.

“Yes,” she tells him and his heart starts to beat again.

His lips connect with hers in a kiss that holds the beginning and promise of a life they’ve always dreamed of. Her hands caress his face as he leans her back against the tub and he moves to follow her down only to slip and face plant into the water and her abdomen.

Her laughter is music to his ears.

She grabs a wash cloth and swipes the bubbles from his face so that he can open his eyes.

When they do they are filled with nothing but love.

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?

“I’m glad you find my near death experience and potential blindness so amusing.”

“I love you,” she tells him.

“I love you too,” he replies. “Now let’s try this again.”

I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will. Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

*

“Morning,” Elliot says as he bustles into the bullpen. He balances his morning donut and coffee in one hand and files he brought home the night before in the other. He glances around his squad room and is slightly outraged by what he sees. Various members of his squad are huddled together reading the morning paper. “What the hell is going on here? You guys don’t have cases to solve? Rollins, Amaro. I want a briefing in five. Fin, come on, you know better,” he barks as he enters his office.

He sits around his desk and unloads his burden just as Fin comes in his office. “What the hell is going on out there, Sergeant?” Elliot asks.

“Look, none of us wanted to bring this to your attention but…” He slides the paper over to him and steps back. “I’ll give you a moment. We’ll be ready when you are L-T.” 

Elliot watches him exit his office and picks up the paper. A copy of Forbes magazine falls out, but not before the engagement announcement catches his eye. It’s a picture of them on the red carpet of some charity event. His heart breaks when he sees the smile on her face. He wonders why Fin included the magazine until he recognizes Aidan on the cover with the title “Off The Market” printed against his chest. He flips to the article and is immediately overwhelmed. They show a picture of him whispering into her ear and her smile nearly kills him. There are photos of them walking hand in hand. Another of his daughter sitting on top of his neck, eating ice cream with a smile on her face beside one with Shawn held high above his head. His laughter infectious even through the photo. They look like the perfect happy family. 

It should have been him.

He puts the magazine down and places the paper on top of it. He has work to do. Paperwork to file. Orders to bark out. Rapists to catch. He doesn’t have time to obsess over his ex-wife. Though he can’t help but think…

It should have been me.

*

“So much for beating you to the papers.” 

He looks up and smiles at the love of his life. 

What a sad beautiful tragic love affair…

“That wasn’t how I wanted you to find out.”

“I guess there’s no good way to tell your ex you’re getting remarried. I would have opted for coffee, but I guess newspaper announcement and magazine cover is also a good way.”

She walks over and takes one of the seats in front of his desk. “I’m sorry. Aidan neglected to inform me until this morning that those were coming out.”

“Why’d he wait so long?”

“He knew I would make him stop it.”

“Smart.”

“Not the word I chose.” 

“So where’s the ring?” She holds out her left hand and his eyebrows rise and he lets out a low whistle. “Wow. Now that’s a rock. How many carats?”

“Six.”

“How much did something like that run him?”

“He won’t tell me.”

“Why?”

“Probably because I’d make him return it.”

“It’s a nice ring, but it’s…”

“A bit much, I know, but I would be surprised if he bought me something else. He likes the flashier things in life.”

“So I can see. Congratulations Liv.”

“You mean that?”

Words, how little they mean when you're a little too late…

“I mean that. I’m happy for you. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You arrested me when you found out we were sleeping together.”

Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting…

“Yeah, but that’s in the past. I want you to be happy. You deserve it.”

“Thanks.” 

“You tell Kyle yet?” 

“Last night. Aidan all but insisted on it. In retrospect, I guess he felt she should know before the rest of the New York.”

“How’d she take it?”

“About as well as any five year old would take it. She asked if she could be a flower girl and if there would be ice cream.”

He grins. “That kid loves ice cream.”

“Don’t I know it,” and while the phrase is meant to be sarcastic and funny, her tone betrays the façade and he picks up on it immediately.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. She just asks for it every chance she gets.”

“No, there was a look on your face. What was that about?”

“It’s nothing Elliot. Really.”

“No, tell me.”

She sighs. “The day of the shooting. I bought her an ice cream and she got all messy. I ducked into the alley to clean her up.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah… she’s here now.”

“Yeah, we were lucky.”

“No, I mean now. I brought her with me. She’s out there hanging with the female detective.”

“Oh, Rollins.”

“Yeah. Thought maybe you’d like to spend a night with her. Kyle. Not-”

“I know. And I would love to, but I’m up to my ears in paperwork. I don’t know how Cragen did it.”

“He never left. Did you think that cot in his office was decorative?”

“I never saw him use it.”

“Like he would show such weakness.”

“Remember that time we…”

She smirks. “Probably the most action that cot ever saw.”

“I thought for sure all that squeaking was going to give us away. Not to mention your screaming.”

“I did not scream. I am not a screamer.”

“You were that night. We got lucky.”

“We sure did.” He stares at her and she recognizes that sparkle in his eyes.

We had a beautiful magic love there…

“Did you eat?” she asks.

“No, I was just going to order a burger or something.”

“Good thing I thought ahead. Kyle!” she calls. The little girl looks up from her spot on Fin’s desk. Olivia waves her over and she grabs the bag she brought in with her and runs in.

“Daddy!” she squeals and jumps into his arms.

“Hey baby girl. I’ve missed you,” he says and hugs her tight.

“Missed you too,” she says as she hugs him back. 

“Why don’t you show your Dad what you brought for him?”

“Oh!” she hands him the bag. “We brought you dinner, Daddy. Sgetti’s and meatballs.”

“Sgetti’s and meatballs! Oh you know that’s my favorite.”

“Turkey meatballs. I doubt that high cholesterol’s gone anywhere.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No problem. Kyle, why don’t you hug your dad goodbye. We gotta get you home. It’s almost bedtime.”

“But Mooommy.”

“No buts. Let’s go, missy.”

“Can you stay a little longer? Just until I finish eating. I haven’t seen her in awhile. Maybe we can even get some ice cream.”

“Ooo. Can we Mommy? Can we?”

Olivia glares at him. “She has school in the morning.”

“She’ll fall asleep in the car anyway. Please.” 

She sighs. “Fine. I just have to call Aidan and let him know I’m going to be late.”

“Thanks.” He watches her step outside and listens in on her side of the conversation as Kyle unpacks his dinner.

“Yeah, I’m just going to be a little later than I thought. He wants to spend some time with Kyle…Yeah…Give him the blue one. He likes that one…Ok…Yeah… Love you too…”

'Cause we had a beautiful magic love there. What a sad beautiful tragic love affair…

 

*

“Hey, where are you going?” Aidan asks as Olivia passes him in search of her running shoes with Shawn settled on her hip.

“Out for a run,” she answers and passes him the baby.

“You can’t. We’re supposed to meet the wedding planner in an hour.”

“And I’m supposed to meet Kathy in five. I’m sorry, you’re going to have to reschedule.”

“We can’t reschedule. We’ve already rescheduled twice so that you can finally come to one of these meetings. She’s going to dump us and we’re never going to find another wedding planner like her. Paula is the best.”

“Well, then start without me. I’ll cut our run short.” She finds her shoe and slides it on her foot.

“Olivia…” 

She kisses him chastely. “An hour I promise.” 

*

Two hours later…

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Olivia says as she sits around the table. Her hair drips with water from her shower and she is slightly out of breath. “What have I missed?”

“We were just going over possible venues,” Paula answers and hands her several brochures. 

“These are gorgeous. I really like this one,” she points out.

“Yes, I like that one too, but unfortunately they don’t have a space big enough to host the event.”

“Why? It looks big enough. How many people were you planning on inviting Ai?”

“We’re looking at about three hundred and fifty guests.”

“Three hundred and fifty guests? Aidan, are you serious? How do you have three hundred and fifty guests? You inviting all of your clients or something?”

“Well, I can’t pick some and not others.”

“You shouldn’t pick any. This is our wedding. Not a thank you party for all of your clients.”

“It’s good business.”

“I don’t care what it is. You need to narrow down that list. What other venues were you looking at?” Olivia turns her attention back to the planner.

“Well, my contact at The Plaza just told me that there was just a cancellation for the date we wanted.” 

“What date did we want?” Olivia asks.

“July 24th.”

“No. That’s not going to work.” 

“Why not?”

“That’s the day I married Elliot.”

“Oh. That would have been helpful to know three sessions ago,” the planner mumbles under her breath.

“You never told me you guys picked a date.”

“Of course we picked a date. Maybe if you came to these meetings you would know that,” Aidan snaps. “What about the June date we discussed. Are any of the venues open then?”

“We can try, but if we do, we’d be cutting it kind of close to the wire. Have you even started dress shopping yet?”

“Wait, you mean June of this year?” Olivia asks.

“Yeah,” Aidan answers.

“Are you nuts? We can’t plan a wedding in two months.”

“Well, we can try for August.”

“No, August is too hot for an outdoor wedding. I mean I only agreed to July because of the timing, but you know I prefer June.”

“June what?” Olivia asks.

“We were going with late June.”

“No. Shawn’s first birthday is the 26th and that’s the only party I’m planning this June. 

“Maybe we can do it earlier in the month?” Paula suggests. 

“Yeah, but then we risk not being back from our honeymoon in time, and I have a huge merger that will hopefully be going through around that time.”

“I don’t know about all this,” Olivia sighs. “Maybe we should go down to the court house.”

“Olivia, we talked about this. We’re having a wedding.”

“No, we’re having a circus! This is ridiculous!”

“Maybe I should give you guys some time…” Paula says sensing the mood has changed. 

“Yes. Clearly we need some time to discuss some things.” Paula packs up her things and is out the door a few minutes later. As soon as he closes the door behind her he turns on Olivia. “What was that about?”

“What do you mean what was that about? We can’t throw a wedding for three hundred and fifty people in two months and I’m not throwing a wedding for three hundred and fifty people and I’m definitely not doing it in two months.”

“You just undid weeks of work!”

“Sorry for thinking that maybe you didn’t want to share an anniversary date with my ex-husband.”

“Well, we never would have picked that date if you acted like you gave a damn about this wedding and actually came to a meeting.”

“I’m sorry if I have a life and don’t have time to plan some elaborate party.”

“You never have time for anything that has to do with this wedding.” 

“I have two kids and a job.”

“When are you going to quit this job by the way?”

“When I’m ready.”

“You’re my fiancé. You can’t keep dating other men for a living.” 

“Is that why you put our announcement in the paper? Were you hoping to force my hand there?”

“I was hoping you would be happy about it like most brides-to-be.”

“Well, I’m not like most brides-to-be.”

“Clearly.Speaking of which, have you signed the prenup yet?”

“My lawyer is still looking it over.”

“What is there to look over? We both leave with what we came with. Simple.”

“I’m sure it’s not that simple. Would you sign a piece of paper without reading it over?”

“If it came from someone I trusted, sure.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Well, that’s because I have millions of dollars that I could lose.”

“And I have nothing right? Is that what you mean?”

“No, that’s not what-”

“I have to go pick Kyle up from the station. I think it’s best that you not be here when I get back.”

“We’re supposed to go apartment hunting tomorrow. Can I count on you to show up for that?”

“Text me the address in the morning. I’ll meet you there.”

*

“This one has four bedrooms and four and a half baths. Granite kitchen counters, laundry unit, and as you can see a beautiful view of the city.”

“I like it,” Aidan comments as he looks around. “Livia, what do you think?”

“It’s nice,” she says from her position by the large glass windows.

It’s nice.

‘It’s nice’ has been the kiss of death all afternoon. 

Aidan sighs. “Karen, would you mind giving us a moment?”

“Sure,” the woman says and leaves the room.

“Come here,” he says as he takes Olivia’s hand and pulls her to sit with him on the floor.

“Aidan, what are you- I’m not sitting on the floor with you. I’m never going to be able to get back up in these shoes.”

“Who wears heels to look at houses?”

“I have to wear these tonight and they need to be broken in.” With a hard pull she crashes into his lap. “That was uncalled for.”

“What’s your problem?”

“My problem. I’m no-”

“You’ve had an attitude all day. This is supposed to be fun.”

“Since when is house hunting fun?”

“Olivia, do you not want to do this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’ve been negative about this whole process the whole time, and I’m not just talking about house hunting. You don’t want to write your own vows. You don’t want to shop for a dress. You don’t even want to get married this year, as if you’re putting off the inevitable. You-” 

“You know, I’ve done this before. The house hunting. The quick engagement. The rushed wedding. Well, that was more spur of the moment than anything. Did I ever tell you about it? We went on vacation to Hawaii with his kids. It was supposed to be a family trip. Maureen joked that we should just get married and get it over with and Elliot took her seriously. Next thing I know I’m standing on the beach in a white dress I found in the gift shop saying, ‘I do.’ In retrospect I wasn’t ready. Neither was he.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not him?”

“You really think our marriage fell apart because Elliot’s an asshole?”

“Well…yeah.”

She shoves him and rolls her eyes. “I knew Elliot was an asshole when I married him. I loved Elliot and I wanted to be his wife, but the truth was there was just so much we didn’t know about each other. We thought we knew it all and everything would be perfect and it wasn’t, and we didn’t know how to handle that. Elliot and I got married about six months after we first started dating, and we knew each other for almost ten years before that. You and I haven’t even been together a year. June makes seven months, and that includes the month we spent broken up.” He sighs, finally realizing her fears. “I love you Aidan and I want to marry you, I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice. We should give ourselves more time. Not just to plan the wedding, but so we can get to know each other. Find the right place to live and move in together and see how that works.” 

“We practically live together now.”

“Last night I banished you to your apartment.”

“So how about you banish me to the couch from now on. I’ll move in some of my stuff and we see how that works in the mean time, but we still need to find a place and in order to do that, we’re going to need more than ‘it’s nice.’”

“Because that’s what it is. Nice, but not for us. Aidan, we have two kids that are going to be living with us. I have yet to see a place that is conducive to that. I know you like the stylish and classy and flashy, but we need to be practical. We need at least six bedrooms. One for us, another two - one for each of the kids, another for the nanny and one for your office, and we should have a guest room. In case Simon wants to visit with the kids. You like to swim, so we should be looking at places that have pools so you don’t have to go far to swim, and I’d like a place where I can work out.”

“Why didn’t you say all this before?”

“I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“Clearly.”

“June 12th.”

“What?”

“That’s the day we should get married. A spring wedding. It’s warm enough for your outdoor wedding and cool enough that I won’t die in the ten pound dress you want me to wear.”

He grins. “What else have you been thinking about?”

“Our wedding is our wedding. It’s about us making a commitment to each other and professing our love in front of our friends and family. It’s not some show for you to use to entertain your clients. It should be small. Intimate. We invite a hundred and fifty. Chances are a hundred can come. We say traditional vows because I like the idea of them. That way we cover all of our bases.”

“What do you mean?”

“Elliot never promised me till death do us part. In sickness and in health. In good times and bad. For richer or poorer. So he had no obligation to stick by me when things got rough.”

“Is that what you think?”

“It’s what I know. He told me how much he loved me. How happy he was to have the honor of being my husband and partner for life. I’ve gone over it a million times in my head. Replayed it over and over again in a heroin induced haze. I know what he said and what he didn’t say. I want that. I want you to make those promises to me.” 

“Ok, but Olivia, just because he didn’t promise you those things doesn’t mean he wasn’t held to those terms. It’s marriage. Some things are implied.”

“Well, this time I want to hear them stated. I don’t want them to just be ‘implied.’”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” he kisses her forehead, “but FYI - we need to have a Jewish wedding.”

“Since when are you Jewish?”

“Why do you think my mother loved Rebekah so much?”

“You said it was because she was willing to share your fortune with them.” 

“Well, there was that, but my mother’s maiden name is Esther Jacobowitz. My dad converted.”

“Oh God, we have to invite your mother.”

“Yup. It’s going to be a blast.”

“Not the word I would use.”

“It’ll be fine,” he smiles. 

“Also…”

“What?”

“Do you love me? Like really love me. Just for me?”

“Of course, why would you ask me that?”

“A part of me feels that you only want me because you love Shawn.”

“What?”

“When we were broken up it was him that you came to see. It was him that you missed and it was only when I told you that you couldn’t see him anymore that you wanted me back. Now you want to adopt him. I need to know that you want to be a part of my life and that you’re not just using me to be a part of his.”

“The night I got hit by that cabbie, I was running to tell you that I love you. I got hit by a car, because I couldn’t wait to tell you how much I loved you.”

“But you didn’t tell me until weeks later.”

“I was scared you’d run. I was afraid of having my heart broken and I didn’t want to use it as a way to get you back. It wasn’t the right time. I love Shawn because he’s everything great and wonderful about you. He’s just one of the many reasons that I love you so much. I snuck in those nights to hold him because it was the next best thing to holding you. Holding him allowed me to hold on to my pride and you let me. When you were done with me I realized I was about to lose every part of you. I love him because I love you, and I can’t love you without loving him. I want to adopt him because I want to make us a family. I want to make your life my life. I want to marry you because I want you to be my wife, and I can’t wait to make that happen.”

“Is that why you’ve been trying to rush all this?”

“Yes. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. I don’t want to wait any longer.”

She grins. “I love you,” she tells him before touching his lips with her own. His tongue asks to be let in and she acquiesces happily. His strong arms draw her in closer to him and hers circle around his neck.

“So, have we come to a decision?” Karen asks from the doorway.

They break away quickly and blush like teenagers that have just been caught making out on their mother’s couch. Aiden clears his throat and can’t help but smile. “Yeah. We want a place that’s more family friendly. Something with a pool and a view.”

“A pool and a view…I think I just might have the right place in mind.”


	15. Tragedy

Chapter 15- Tragedy

“You look amazing,” Aidan says as he walks into the bedroom and kisses Olivia’s neck. His arms wrap around her slender hips. He steps back and takes in the way the dress hugs her curves. The sweet heart neckline shows just the right amount of cleavage. A sheer strap wraps around one shoulder and travels down underneath her breasts. It’s decorated in jewels that add a hint of elegance to the sexy dress. “When did you get this?”

“When I was pregnant. I can finally fit in it now.”

“Wait, you didn’t tell me we were going anywhere tonight.”

“Because we’re not. I have a client tonight.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“What? I told you when we got back together that I was going to have other clients than you.”

“Yes, but that was before we got engaged. I put a ring on it,” he points to her hand. “That means you’re mine.”

She arches an eyebrow, “Excuse me?” she asks as she puts in one earring.

“You know what I mean, Olivia. Everyone knows we’re engaged. What are they going to think if you start dating other people?”

“I don’t care what other people think. I need to earn living.”

“You don’t need to sell yourself to do that. You’re so smart; there are a million things you could do.” 

“None of which are going to pay the bills anytime soon. Look, I’m only going to do this for a little while longer and I’m only seeing my regulars.” 

“Do you plan on doing this after we get married?”

“No. This is just until I figure some things out.”

“Figure what out? Olivia, I make more than enough for the both of us.”

“I know that, but I need to make my own money. I can’t just be your stay at home wife.”

“No. This is not about you working. There is more to this.”

She sprays herself with perfume. “No, there isn’t.”

“Yes, there is… You don’t trust me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You think I’m him. You think I’m just going to leave you with no way to support yourself.”

“No. I think I found myself in a situation that I don’t wish to find myself in again. Not when I have two mouths to feed.”

“Olivia, I would never do that to you. I’m not him. Trust me on this.”

“I do trust you.”

“Then stay home tonight. Or let’s go out for dinner or something.”

“No.”

“Olivia, how do you expect us to get married if you can’t even trust me to provide for you?”

“I don’t need you to provide for me. I can take care of myself.” She pulls one side of her hair back and pins it with a flower that matches her dress.

“No one is saying you can’t.”

“Then what’s the issue?” She slips into a pair of silver Givenchy heels.

“Olivia, trust me. Trust that I will take care of you no matter what happens.”

She pauses as she begins to pack her matching silver and white clutch purse. “No,” she growls.

“Olivia-”

“You know, you are such a hypocrite. You expect me to trust you when you don’t even trust me.”

“Of course I do!”

“Then what about that pre-nup you keep pushing me to sign?”

“Olivia, that’s just a standard-”

“No. You don’t trust that I’m marrying you because I love you. You think I’m marrying you for money. How do expect me to trust you when you’re so insistent on me signing a piece of paper that says should our relationship fail I would be left with nothing.”

“It states that we will both leave with what we came in with and anything we earn while together we leave with. That’s fair.”

“No, it’s not. Not when I’m going into this with practically nothing. Tell me something, when we buy our new apartment whose name do you plan on putting on the deed?” His silence is her answer. “Exactly. You plan on putting everything in your name so should we split you’d get everything. It’s not fair. Now you expect me to give up my only income.”

“No, I expect you to find a new one that doesn’t embarrass me.”

“Oh, so now I embarrass you?”

“No. That’s not what I meant. You’re twisting my words.”

“No. I’m just calling ‘em how I see ‘em.” she walks to her dresser and picks up a manila envelope. “I met with my lawyer today to discuss the terms of your pre-nup and found out you plan on doing exactly what he did to me.”

“So is that why you’re doing this? To get back at me?”

“No, I’m doing this because I need to protect myself. I can’t risk not being able to provide for my children.” She hands him the envelope. “It’s funny. Everyday you tell me you’re not him and everyday you keep proving to me more and more just how much you are.”

“Olivia I-”

“They’re signed.” She finishes packing her clutch and gives herself one last once over in the mirror. “Melody’s staying the night, so Shawn’s all set and Kyle’s with Elliot. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She walks out, leaving him staring in wonderment.

“Olivia, wait-”

“I said I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Now, I’m going to be late. Goodnight. Oh and be sure to lock up when you leave.”

He watches her walk out the door and a few minutes later he follows suit.

*

Olivia sighs once she’s settled in the limo. This night did not go as planned. She specifically stated that she would only see her regulars. No new clients. Yet here she is. With a new client, and an asshole at that. Just because he specifically requested her and offered to pay extra, and in the end, the money always wins. So not only was she not prepared, she had to think on her feet, which normally isn’t a problem, except she had to do it while he groped and man-handled her. He’s lucky because if he had slapped her ass one more time, he would currently be looking for a new prosthetic device. 

“I tell ya, you’re just as good as they say. They told me you were worth every penny, but I didn’t believe it until tonight. I’ve been trying to meet with that computer geek for years now. You manage to set me up with him in a matter of minutes!”

“Corner of fifth and Madison,” she yells to the driver.

“Where you going so quick.”

“Home,” she growls.

“C’mon now. The night is still young, and I paid to have you until two. Let’s go have a drink. Get you to loosen up a little.” He slides his hand up her leg and winds up the partition to hide the driver’s view.

She throws his grubby hand off. “No, thank you. I’m loose enough and I’m going home.”

“You mean to tell me I paid all that money and you don’t even put out?”

“Sorry, but I’m not one of those girls. I can tell you where you can find one, though.”

“Now see here! I paid good money for you.” 

“I’m sorry, but I don-” 

He cuts her off with a slap across the face. “I’m getting my money’s worth whether you like it or not.” He shoves her down and pulls her close to him. She fights back, punching him in the face. He punches her back, leaving her dazed. Another punch draws blood from her lip. He pins her down with his girth and one hand while he fumbles with the zipper on his slacks with the other. 

“Help!” she yells. HELP!!!”

He backhands her. Hard. 

She doesn’t give up.

She pushes and and punches and slaps, but she is no match for his size. He has over a hundred pounds on her easily, but she refuses to give in. She manages to get a leg up and knees him in the groin.

“God dammit! You stupid bitch!”

“HELP!!!” she screams as she claws at the door, but it’s locked. She tries to undo the lock, but he slams her head into the window and tosses her onto one of the seats of the limo furthest from the door. He’s on her in seconds. Prying her legs open. Shoving himself in between. “Please,” she cries. “No.” 

He wraps his fat hand around her neck and squeezes. “You’re going to learn today, I never take ‘No’ for an answer,” he tells her, then slaps her. Hard. Another follows, but this time he balls his hand into a fist. The next one is much the same. She does her best to protect herself, but there isn’t much she can do from her hopeless position. She can taste the blood as it pools in her mouth and feel his grubby fingers on her as they wrap around her underwear. “No,” she moans. He punches her one last time. It’s the last thing she feels.

*

She uses a shaky hand to slide her key into the door. 

“Here, let me help you,” the young doorman offers and wraps his hand around hers.

She flinches away. “Please. Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” he takes the key from her, touching her as little as possible. He opens her door and holds it open for her. She walks in slowly. The boy walks in behind her and turns on the light and places her key on the small table by the door. “Is there anything I can do for you?” 

“No. No, I’m fine.”

“Please, let me call the police.” 

“No! No police. Please don’t.”

“But Ma’am.”

“Please. I’ll tip you whatever you want. Just please. No police.”

“Alright. No money needed, Ma’am. I just want to help.”

“Thank you.”

“You need anything? Is there anyone I can I can call? Anything I can do to help?” the young boy asks hesitantly.

“No. Please just go.”

He nods and heads for the door. “Please call if you need anything or if you change your mind about the police. Have a good night, Ma’am.”

No chance of that happening now.

She waits until he’s gone and then locks the door and puts the chain on. She turns off the light then shuffles quietly down the hall, ignoring the pain that seems to radiate through her body. She finally makes it to her bedroom and opens the door.

“Olivia? That you?”

Shit.

“Aidan, what are you doing here?”

“I live here, remember? You can’t just kick me out when you’re mad anymore. Besides that, I wanted to talk. I don’t like the way we ended things earlier.”

“It’s ok. Just go back to bed.”

“I can’t. I’ve been laying here all night and-”

In the darkness she sees his hand go for the lamp. “Please, no lights.” 

“Why?”

“I just want to go to bed. We can talk in the morning.”

She takes a step forward and trips over one of Shawn’s toys. She catches herself on her dresser, but the hard wood knocks into her ribs in the process. She gasps at the lightning white-hot pain of it and does her best to catch her breath.

“Olivia? You ok?” When she doesn’t answer he worries and turns on the lamp beside her bed. “Olivia?” he says when he sees her hunched over her dresser. He realizes something is wrong and rushes to her side. He pulls her back and it is then that he gets a good look at her. “Oh my God Olivia!” Her right eye is swollen shut and bruises mar her soft beautiful skin. Her white dress is stained with streaks of red. 

She flinches away from him. “Please don’t touch me.”

“Don’t touch you? What the hell happened?!” Her legs give out and she crumbles, but he catches her and lowers her to the floor. “Oh God. I’m calling 911.”

“No!” she lunges for him. “Please. No hospitals. No doctors. No police. Please,” she pleads.

“Olivia…”

“Please.”

“Fine. Let’s get you into bed.” She flinches when he moves to touch her. “It’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you.” She nods and he scoops her up in his arms and lays her on her side of the bed. It’s then that he sees the bruises on her thighs and his heart breaks. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to get some ice,” he tells her and grabs his cell phone and heads out the door pulling it closed behind him. In the kitchen he locates the contact he needs and selects the number he wants. It’s ringing in seconds. “Hello? It’s Aidan. I need your help.”

*

Aidan paces outside her bedroom door as he anxiously waits for any word on what the fuck is going on. He’s been waiting for over an hour now and the more time passes, the more he worries. He does his rounds, first looking in on Shawn, who sleeps soundly in his crib. He then checks on Kyle, who is also deep in slumber. He closes her door and begins pacing until the bedroom door clicks open. He’s on her in less than a second.

“How is she?”

Melinda sighs. “Not good.”

“Is she going to be ok?”

“Physically, yes. Emotionally, I’m not sure.”

“Was she-” he swallows hard as he works up the nerve to push the words out of his mouth. “Was she raped?”

“I did a rape kit. I didn’t see any signs of penetration but I found some ejaculate on her thighs, along with some bruising. At this point only she can tell what he did to her.”

Aidan sighs and blinks away his tears. “She didn’t say anything?”

“No, she let me perform the exam and that was about it. I noticed she was in pain so I gave her a shot of morphine and it knocked her out. She’s going to need to pump and dump in the morning. I told her, but I’m not sure if she heard me.” She sighs. “I was always afraid I would get this call. I don’t understand what she was doing out there in the first place.”

“It’s my fault.”

“What?! How?”

“I gave her the pre-nup and made her feel like she had to make her own money.”

Melinda sighs. “That’s not your fault. That girl is more stubborn than a mule. I’ve been telling her to get out of that job for over a year now.”

“That doesn’t mean she deserved this!”

“I’m not saying that. What I am saying is you’re not to blame. Neither is she, but she knew the risks.” She sighs. “You’re going to need to bring her to a hospital. There aren’t any signs of internal bleeding, and I checked with my portable ultrasound, but I think one of her ribs are cracked so she’s going to need an X-ray and possibly a CT scan. Until then, you need to watch for signs of internal bleeding. Any new bruising or tenderness. If she coughs or spits up blood. You also need check her cognitive function. Wake her up every hour and ask her some basic questions and to remember things. Make sure she isn’t slurring her speech. If she slurs one word or forgets one thing, you bring her to a hospital.”

“Ok. I’ll look out for that and I’ll make sure she gets that x-ray first thing in the morning.”

“Come by my office I can get you guys in and out. I know how she feels about hospitals…Are you going to report this?”

“I can’t. She won’t let me.”

“Then you need to convince her otherwise. That man is still out there and who knows how many girls he’s done this to.”

“I’ll make sure he’s taken care of.”

“Aidan-”

“He put his hands on her! He VIOLATED her. His handprint is bruised into her neck. I want copies of everything sent to my office.”

“Aidan-”

“I promise I won’t do anything that’s going to land me in jail, but I’m not leaving this up to the police.” 

“I know you may not like Elliot, but he’s very good at his job, and he cares about Olivia. Call him.”

“This guy is from my world. No jail cell is going to hold him.”

“Not without reinforcements. Together you and Elliot can get her justice. Think about it. Goodnight Aidan,” she says and leaves.

He locks the door behind her and heads to the bedroom. Olivia sleeps soundly and he watches her. His eyes rake over the bruises and bandages that cover her once flawless skin. He stares at the dress and remembers how amazing she looked in it when she left earlier that night. Now it’s torn and marred with stains of her blood. He goes into the bathroom and returns with a washcloth, a basin full of soapy water, and a towel. He reaches into the drawer beside her bed and takes out the scissors. He cuts the dress from her sleeping form, he knows she will never wear it again. If anything they will burn it. The bruises on her thighs bother him, but not as much as her lack of underwear. He hopes Melinda took them with her as evidence and not stuffed in some asshole’s pocket as some sort of fucked up trophy. A memento to remind him of the time he violated the woman that means the world to him. He takes his time washing her, then dresses her in his clothes. She loves wearing his clothes. She always told him how much they made her feel safe and warm. He wants her to feel that way tonight. He tucks her into bed and then watches her sleep, making sure she never stops breathing. 

*

She wakes the next morning to an empty bed. His side of the bed is perfectly made as if it hasn’t been slept in. She gingerly pulls herself up and heads to the bathroom. She takes care of business then finally looks at herself in the mirror and gasps at the woman that stares back at her. Her right eye is swollen shut. Angry red and purple blotches taint her cheeks and forehead. There is a handprint around her neck. Her lip has been split open and blood is crusted in her nostrils. She turns on the water and attempts to wash her face, but the pain in unbearable. She picks up her toothbrush and applies toothpaste. She opens her mouth to brush her teeth and she realizes that one of her front teeth is chipped. The other is missing. She tries to remember when this happened and tears fill her eyes as flashes of the previous night flood her mind. She quickly does her best to brush her teeth and in the process spits one of her molars into the sink.

“Hey Livia. Jesus!” Aidan gasps when he sees her face. He moves to caress her bruised cheek and she flinches away from him. He pauses and draws his hands back. “Umm. I’m going to go drop Kyle off at school and Shawn is going to go with Melody. She said she needed to run errands so I’m going to let her use my car and chauffeur.”

“Wait, Kyle’s here?”

“Yeah, Elliot got called in last night and dropped her off before you came home. I’ll be back to take you to the hospital. Mel said you need some X-rays. There’s some ice packs in the freezer. I’ll be back,” he tells her and heads out the way he came. 

“Aidan, wait!” she calls and moves to hustle after him, but the pain in her ribs puts a firm stop to that.

“Yeah?” he answers.

“Did the kids have breakfast?”

“Yeah, I made some of that oatmeal cereal thing for Shawn and Kyle wanted Cheerios. Simple enough.”

“Does she have her homework?”

“Yeah, and it’s pizza day so I gave her money to buy lunch. I got it covered.”

“Ok.” He turns to leave, but she calls him back one last time. “Aidan?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too,” he mutters before hurrying out the door.

*

He maneuvers the car down the streets back to her apartment with relative ease. His demeanor is calm and his only concern seems to be the road in front of him, but the silence is palpable. She knows he must have a million questions by now. She would. Though he hasn’t asked her anything other than how she is feeling and if there is anything he can do to help ease her pain. The CT scan had been clear. No signs of internal bleeding. Her X-rays, on the other hand, had shown a small hairline fracture on the first couple of ribs on her right side as well as her right cheekbone. Aidan had not been pleased, and she can tell by his white knuckled grip on the steering wheel that he is more upset than what he is letting on, but still he says nothing. They stop to pick up lunch and then continue on to her apartment. 

“Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll bring your lunch in to you.” 

She nods her acquiescence and settles into her bed. She’s exhausted and in constant pain. He heads in with a tray that holds a bowl of chicken noodle soup, some water, and Ibuprofen. He places it over her lap and sits beside her for a moment. The bruises on her face have become a deep purple and blue. She waits for him to say something- she knows he wants to say something- but he doesn’t make a sound. His hand reaches up and she involuntarily jerks away.

“I was just- I wasn’t going to- never mind.” He sighs. “I actually have quite a bit of work to catch up on so I’m going to go. Don’t worry about dinner or anything. I’ve arranged for Melody to stay here until you’re better. I’ll be home in time for dinner, so I’ll bring home something for us to eat when I get back. Melody will pick Kyle up from school and bring her back here with Shawn. You ok? Is there anything you need?”

She shakes her head no.

“I also made arrangements to have your teeth fixed tomorrow morning. It’s the first opening he had, but he said that if anything is bothering you, or if you’re in any pain, we should let him know.”

“I’m ok.”

“Ok. I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything.” He stands and heads for the door when her timid voice calls him back.

“Wait.”

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“What would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything! I know you have questions. Why don’t you ask them?”

“I don’t have anything-”

“Aidan, you haven’t said a word about it to me. I know there’s something-” 

“Fine. Were you raped?”

Her heart stops and her mind draws back to that horrible night.

 

“Ma’am! Ma’am are you ok?” The driver asks.

She groggily opens her eyes and looks around her. She realizes she’s still in the limo and the fear crashes into her like a two ton truck. “Did he-he-he-did he rape me? Did he rape me?!”

The driver avoids eye contact. “He was- he had his and-and he was-”

“Yes,” she cuts him off, “but, did. He. Rape. Me?”

“No. I stopped him. When I opened the door he was-he was going to… but I stopped him.”

“Can you take me home? Please, can you just take me home.”

“Yes. Yes I’ll take you home right now. Right now.”

She looks down at the tray in front of her. “No. The driver-” 

“The driver?”

“Of the limo. He said he didn’t rape me, but he tried…” Her lip quivers. 

He swallows hard and nods. “Ok.”

“Ok? That’s it?”

“That’s all I wanted to know. I uh, I gotta go.”

“Aidan?” she calls, but he rushes out of her apartment grabbing his keys on the way. 

He jams his fingers onto the button and is grateful when it opens right away. He presses the L1 button several times and it isn’t until the door has finally closed that he finally allows his tears to fall.

*

Olivia gingerly makes her way over to the door, desperately trying to hold back the pain in her ribs that reverberates with every step that she takes. She’s supposed to be resting, but Melody is busy with the kids’ bath time and she hasn’t seen Aidan since he left the night before. He’s been spending more and more time at the office. She knows she’s the reason, but they have yet to talk about it, and with each passing day she swears they drift further and further apart. She checks the peephole just to ensure her assumption is correct.

It is.

She takes a deep breath and opens the door. She counts the seconds in her head and makes it to three before…

“What the hell, Liv?!”

“It’s not as bad as it-” he reaches for her sunglasses and she flinches away. “Seems.”

“Olivia,” he says and the sadness in his eyes breaks her heart.

“I’m fine, really.”

“Let me see your face.”

“Elliot-”

“Let. Me. See… Your. Face.”

She removes the sunglasses, because really there’s no point in fighting this. This is Elliot we’re talking about. 

“Jesus,” he hisses.

The swelling around her eye has gone down enough that she can see out of it, and her teeth have been fixed, but the bruising is still there in various shades of purple and blue. Thankfully he can’t see the damage underneath the baggy sweats she wears.

“He do this to you?”

“No.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Did you hear what I said?! Aidan didn’t do this.”

“Then who did?!”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says and avoids his gaze. 

“Olivia, no amount of money is worth this.”

“Aidan didn’t do this!”

“Aidan didn’t do this, but you still won’t tell me who did.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“The hell it isn’t,” he says and before she can say anything to stop him he is out her door.

*

“Malone!!!” Elliot’s voice booms as he stomps through the building and towards Aidan’s office. 

Aidan sighs and sits back in his chair. He knew this was coming long before he read Olivia’s text. He watches as his door booms open and spider cracks the glass wall behind it.

“Elliot,” Aidan tries, but Elliot’s never been one for words when actions work so much better. He swings and Aidan easily dodges the attack. He takes advantage of Elliot’s shift in balance and in a few quick moves has Elliot pinned against his desk. “You should know I’ve been studying Aikido for more than ten years now, along with various other forms of martial arts. I could kill you with my pinky. Now. I’m willing to talk if you are. If not, I can just put you to sleep and have security carry you out to your car. Now, which is it?”

“Get your hands off me, Malone!”

“I’m going to let you go now, but if you attack me, all bets are off.” He releases him and takes several steps back. 

Elliot shakes off the attack. “You hit her!”

“I did no such thing.”

“Are you kidding me?! I saw the bruises!”

“Did she tell you that I hit her?”

“She didn’t have to. I’ve heard the same story a million times.”

“Well then you need to hear it a million and one, because I never put my hands on her and I never will.”

“Then how do you explain the bruises on her face.”

“That’s for Olivia to explain. If she doesn’t want to tell you, then it’s not my place to say anything.”

“I’m going to have them open up a formal investigation.”

“Fine. You can waste tax payer money investigating the wrong guy.”

“What do mean the wrong guy?”

Aidan winces at the slip. “Never mind. It’s none of your business.”

“Malone. I only have so much patience.”

Aidan sighs. “Fine. Olivia was attacked.”

“When you say attacked. What do you mean?”

“I’m not saying anything more.”

“Malone!” Elliot growls. “I know you and I don’t normally see eye to eye, but I need you to put all that aside and be honest with me. What. Happened. To. Olivia.”

Aidan looks away, “Someone attacked her.”

“Did they-” he swallows hard because the thought alone is enough to choke him. “Did they rape her?”

“She says he didn’t.”

“You know who did it?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“The hell you can’t.”

“I’ve got this covered, Elliot. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“What do you mean you have this covered? What can you do?”

“A lot more than you can.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Look, I don’t care how much money you have. You can’t take the law into your own hands.”

“Elliot, no jury in the land will convict him once they hear Olivia’s past. They’re not going to believe a word she has to say. They’re going to think that because she used to sell herself for money that she no longer has the right to consent and then they’re going to let him go and shame her.”

“If we can build a strong case then there’s no reason why we can’t get a conviction.”

“Please, Elliot.”

“Malone, I may not be the smartest or the richest, but I’m good at my job. Very good. Let me do this. Let me get justice for her.”

Aidan is astonished by the sincerity in his eyes. It is clear that helping her really means something to him. He reaches into his desk and pulls out a manila envelop. “This is the evidence I’ve gotten so far.”

Elliot takes the envelop from him. “Thank you,” he says and heads out the door.

*

Aidan glances over the paperwork in front of him. He loves his job. Really, he does. He loves every minute of it. The traveling, the look of surprise on his business opponent’s face when they realize he isn’t just some overconfident white American man and that he actually has a brain, the thrill of outsmarting them, and the pride of finally having beaten them at their own game. He loves it. He loves it all, but he hates. Hates. Hates this part of his job. The part of his job where he has to deal with the paperwork and learning the ins and outs of each company, the bylaws, the loop holes, the discrepancies, the history, the ups and downs. No matter how essential it is to his job, he still hates it.

He drags his hands down his face and flips to the next page.

“Doing research?” she asks and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

He turns to see her leaning against the doorframe. “Hey, what are you doing here?” 

“I came here so we could talk.”

“But I just left your place. Why didn’t you say anything while I was there?”

“Because this is not a conversation that we should be having in front of the kids and Melody.”

“Well come in. Let’s talk,” he pats the only free space on his bed that isn’t covered in paper.

She hesitates and he sees it, but she walks in and sits on the edge of his bed. As far away from him as she can manage.

“So what’s up?” he asks.

“I feel…like…I feel like you’re pulling away from me. You’re hardly ever home. You haven’t spent the night in weeks. We’re supposed to be living together and yet here you are.”

“Olivia…”

“Just tell me. Is it too much? Is being with me after the… attack. Is it too much?”

Sorry I’m only human…

“Olivia, I love you. I love you so much and you know that, but I can’t- I can’t be with you when you’re like this. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can marry you. Not-not like this.”

She nods and does her best to hold back tears, but they spill over and roll down her face anyway. He reaches over to brush away her tear and she flinches back away from him.

“See. Look at you. Look at how you’re sitting. You won’t even let me touch you. Not even to wipe away a tear or brush your hair out of your face. I stopped spending the night because you spent so much time trying to get away from me that you weren’t sleeping,” he glances at the circles under her eyes. “I see that that was for not. You need help. You’ve dropped about ten pounds in last few weeks, and I doubt the nightmares have gone away. You need to see a professional.”

“Why? So they can deem me an unfit mother and take my kids away.”

Progress…

He sighs. “Olivia. You won’t even let me hold your hand. How do you expect me to marry you when you won’t even let me hold your hand?”

Changing…

She nods. “I get it. You can’t marry someone that you can never sleep with,” she says as she pulls his ring from her finger places it on the bed. She leaves without another word.

Growing and then giving up…

“Olivia, wait. That’s not what I-” papers fly as he stands to chase after her. 

Somehow I’m never quite prepared…

She makes it as far as the door, but her hand trembles as she reaches for the knob. It hits her like a wave and the sobs come without warning. She slides down the door as the tears flow from her eyes. The enormity of it all is too much. She wasn’t healing. He was right. She needed to see someone, but how could she when there was so much to lose? 

Aidan finds her in a crumpled heap on his floor and he sinks down beside her. Hesitantly he reaches his arms out and she flinches away from him. “It’s just me,” he whispers to her. “I’m not going to hurt you.” 

When you need a friend you could count on anyone, but you know I’ll defend…

Slowly he wraps his arms around her and pulls her into his warmth. He lets her cry for awhile and then brings her to his bed where he tucks her in and slides in beside her.

“I never meant that I was going to leave you. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, but I can’t marry you when it’s so obvious that you’re not ready. You’re hurting, and you need time to heal, and that’s ok, because I’ll wait for you. I love you Olivia. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you.”

The tragedy that we knew as the end…

* 

Olivia steps out into the crisp fall weather, leaving yet another therapy session behind. She glances at her watch. If she hauls ass she can still make it to her NA meeting. A chilled breeze blows, whipping yellow and orange leaves around her. She feels the leaves crunch underneath her boots as she makes her way to her car and notices a figure leaned against it. She pauses because she recognizes the slender frame. The slicked back hair. The expensive suit, the sly grin when he sees her.

“Serena! Or is it Olivia now?” Xavier smiles.

“What are you doing here?”

“Is that how you say hello to an old friend? I see you’ve been busy,” he says and takes her hand to admire the expensive engagement ring on her finger. 

She snatches her hand away. “What do you want?”

“You know you left without any warning. No goodbye. No explanation. I spend weeks looking for you and then one morning as I’m sipping on my cappuccino, there you are. Announcing your engagement to one of New York’s most eligible bachelors. You could imagine my surprise. Of course I had to find you, given how much you owe me.”

“Owe you?”

“You cost me quite a bit. I mean, between the lease I was on the hook for and the expensive dresses you took from me. Not to mention the clients that had paid ahead for you and the ones I lost…” 

“I was the one who earned the money to pay for that apartment and those dresses, and I don’t give a fuck about your sleazy clients.”

“What about that fiancé of yours. Do you care about him. Do you care about the shame he’s going to feel when everyone finds out what you used to do?”

She sighs. “How much?”

He smiles. “One million.”

“What?!”

“It includes interest.”

“Interest?! Where the hell do you expect me to find that kind of money?”

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be too hard. That’s pocket change for your new fancy fiancé.”

“This doesn’t involve him. This is between you and me.”

“Well, you could always work it off. I mentioned to a couple of clients that you may be…available again.”

“I don’t do that anymore.”

“Well, that’s not my problem. I want. My money. You have two weeks.”

“I can’t get you that kind of money in two weeks.”

“Figure it out. Or I’ll figure it out for you.” He walks away and pauses turning to her. “You have a daughter right? Kyle, is it?” he grins. “She’s a beautiful girl. I caught a glimpse of her the other day. Looks just like you. Made me wonder if she fucks as good as her mother. I have a few clients that would like to find out. Especially in that little school uniform of hers.”

“You lay a finger on her and so help me God they will never find your body when I’m through with you!” she yells to his retreating back.

“Figure it out, Olivia. Two weeks.”

*

Olivia flips through the paper as she enjoys her morning coffee, and pauses when there’s a knock on her front door. She can tell by the incessant banging exactly who is at her door and that it is not something she wants to deal with now and sighs. This was her first normal morning in weeks. She slept without any nightmares the night before. Her bruises are nothing but a faded memory. Aidan is spending the night again. The wedding plans are going great. Their apartment search is still ongoing, but she knows they’ll find the perfect place soon. She can feel it. Nothing could be better.

Except for the banging that is coming from her front door. 

She takes a second and eyes the door as she mentally debates whether or not she wants to open the door and shatter her cocoon of simple bliss. 

Her neighbors make the decision for her. 

She swings the door open and glares at him. 

He glares back.

“Get in here,” she growls at him. “Sorry, Mrs. Kashinsky. We’ll keep it down from now on,” she apologizes before turning her rage on Elliot. “The hell-”

“Where is he?!” He demands before he pushes past her and heads down the hallway.

“Elliot!”

“Where is he?!” He throws open Kyle’s door to find Aidan and Shawn playing “Tea Party” with Kyle. Complete with tiara and feathery pink scarf. “You! There you are, you son of a bitch!”

“Elliot! Not in front of the kids!” Olivia chastises before shoving him back out of the room. 

“Kyle, watch your brother and make sure he doesn’t eat anything,” Aidan instructs before following the rest of the adults into the hallway. “So, what did I do now?” he asks as he closes the door to her room behind him.

“You! You used me to further your own agenda.” 

“I did no such thing.”

“Is he even the guy that’s responsible for attacking her?”

“Wait, what’s going on?”

Elliot shoves the morning paper at her. She opens it and sees a picture of Aidan with a headline that reads ‘Merriweather Oranges No More.’ “You waited until I arrested him so that you could move in on his company.”

“That’s not what this is-”

“Since when are you interested in fruit?” Olivia questions him.

“I’m not interested in fruit. I’m interested in bringing him down.”

“Exactly, and you used me and my job to do it. I put my ass on the line here!”

“Your ass? You came to my office demanding everything I had on Olivia’s case. I didn’t come to you. You released his name to the press. You drove his shares down. You forced the board of his company to vote him out and vote me in. I just took advantage of the situation.”

“You used my attack to your advantage?” Olivia asks incredulously.

“Olivia, I’ll explain this to you later.” Aidan tries.

“Tell me you didn’t plan this all along,” Elliot demands. 

“Fine. Just as soon as you tell me how far you got in your investigation. Did you even get a word out of him? I bet you requested he meet you at 9AM and he came down with his mouth piece, several of them in fact, and you didn’t get a word out of him.” 

“We pressed charges-”

“That were dismissed the next day. Your legal system can’t hold people like him. I come from that world. I AM that world. Your silly laws and procedures mean nothing to us.”

Elliot steps up to him and looks him dead in the eye. “See, that’s where you’re wrong, because I’ve taken down plenty of you, and I don’t quit until I do.”

Aidan takes a step forward bringing him even closer. “Well, you work your angle and I’ll work mine.” He grins cockily. “Let the best man win.”

*

Olivia walks quietly into the living room in search of her missing fiancé. She finds him on the couch, typing away on his MacBook Pro. She watches him, so focused. So concentrated. So handsome. 

She wants to lick his face.

“Hey,” she says instead and he looks up and smiles.

“Hey.”

“Coming to bed soon?”

“Yeah. Just a minute. I just need to send out a few more emails, I’m trying to finalize this Tropicana deal.”

“Yeah, about that. I think we should talk,” she says and sits on the other end of the couch. He sighs and closes his laptop. “You never told me you were going after him.”

“I didn’t think you would mind.”

“Well, I do. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. Especially at your own expense.”

“What expense? I’m fine.”

“Aidan, you’ve always been about business and now you’ve made it personal. I don’t want you to make a mistake and lose everything you’ve spent your entire life working for just because of me.”

“Olivia, for me business has always been personal. It’s how I’ve managed to be so successful, especially now. I’ve never worked so hard at something. You wouldn’t imagine what I’ve had to learn or the extra lawyers I’ve had to hire or the sacrifices I had to make, but I’ve never wanted it more, and I want it for you.” 

“That’s just the point. You should want it for you. You should be doing this for you.”

“Olivia. This man…he put his hands on you. He tried to rape you. He hurt you. He could have killed you. He deserves to pay for what he did to you.”

“Yeah, but that’s not your job. It’s for the police-”

“The police can’t do shit. He’s going to go in there with a million lawyers that are going to make him look like the Dalai Lama and you the rapist. How is that fair? No. I’m not going to stop until he has nothing left, and every penny that I take from him I’m putting into a bank account for you.” 

“Aidan, I don’t want his money.”

“Neither do I, but at least this way, should anything happen to us, you have something to fall back on.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Hey. You don’t have to ever use it. You can do whatever you want with it. Donate it to charity or let it sit there and gain interest. It doesn’t matter to me, but you should have it. Let me do this for you.”

“Do what you have to, but I don’t want his money. It’s blood money. I also talked to Vivienne today. She said you threatened to shut down her business.”

“I needed his name. She wouldn’t give it up.”

“That was my job you had no-”

“I what? I don’t want to have this conversation.” He tells her and stands.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“Aidan, what happened wasn’t her fault. She had no idea of knowing-”

“I don’t care what she didn’t know. She knew his name and that’s what I wanted know. She gave me the information I wanted so her business is fine. No harm. No foul.”

“You had no right!”

“I had every right! You know, everyone around seems to understand the significance of what happened to you. Everyone, except for you!”

“I know what happened me. I have the pain and the bruises. The missing teeth. The nightmares. All I want is to move on with my life and you won’t let me! You keep interfering and getting involved where you don’t belong.”

“Olivia, you can’t just sweep this under the rug and expect for it to magically get better.”

“Why not? It worked the other times?”

“What? What other times?”

“Aidan, when a man pays to have sex with you, he’s going to make sure he gets his money’s worth. Whether you like it or not.” She realizes she’s gone too far when he stands before her, shell shocked. “Aidan, it wasn’t as bad as you think. I was too high to really realize what was going on-”

“I need to go,” he whispers and walks robotically towards her door.

“Aidan, wait-” she rushes after him and grabs his shoulder.

He flinches away from her touch. “Don’t touch me.”

“What? Aidan,” her voice breaks on his name. 

“I just need…some…time,” He tells her before leaving her apartment.

*

She lathers her washcloth for what may be the fiftieth time and scrubs and scrubs. The shower is like ice. Her skin is beyond raw, but she is still unclean. 

She can feel it. 

The filth left on her by all those men. 

She can see it.

The look on his face when she touched him. The way he flinched away from her as if he were touched by a leper.

She will never be able to forget it.

And now neither will he.

She picks up her bottle of body wash and squeezes and squeezes in an attempt to get more soap out of it, but nothing comes out. She shakes it harder and knocks it against her palm, when his warm hand covers hers and the other pries the bottle out her hand.

I find myself at your door, Just like all those times before, I'm not sure how I got there, All roads—they lead me here. 

“Aidan, no,” she protests.

He turns off the shower and takes her towel and wraps her in it then pulls her shivering frame into his. He rubs her arms vigorously in an attempt to warm her. 

“No. Don’t touch me. I’m not clean. I’m not-”

He silences her with a kiss. She looks up at him and sees that he’s still the man he was before, except stronger and more determined. 

And you open your eyes into mine, And everything feels better…

She cries and he holds her. 

She cries because she doesn’t deserve him.

And he holds her.

She cries because he deserves better.

And he holds her.

She cries because she loves him.

And he holds her.

She cries because she knows she will never be able to let him go.

And he holds her.

She cries because she doesn’t know what else to do.

And he holds her.

And right before your eyes, I'm aching, no past, nowhere to hide, just you and me…

He lifts her and carries her to her bed. He tucks her in and lays down beside her and holds her. She’s neither sure of the time that’s passed, nor the hour, but both lay awake, listening to the quiet of the night, when finally he says something.

“I don’t want you to work as an escort anymore.”

“Ok.”

“And I think that instead you should run my charities. I started them because of you. I can’t think of a better person to manage them.”

“Ok.”

“When you’re ready we can go in and have everyone there show you how everything works, and if you want, maybe you can take some business classes. Get you more comfortable.”

“Ok.”

“Then when you’re ready I will name you as the CEO, but if you don’t like it we can find something else for you to do. You don’t have to do this just because I suggested it.”

“Ok. Aidan?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s go to sleep now.”

“OK…Olivia?”

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.”

“OK.”

They smile.

*

Aidan walks into Olivia’s apartment and finds her sitting around the dinner table with Kyle. Shawn sits nearby, playing with various toys scattered on the floor. He grins when he sees Aidan and abandons his toys to toddle over to him. 

“I see you’ve gotten the hang of this whole walking thing,” Aidan says as he lifts him easily and tosses him in the air, causing the room to fill with infectious laughter. He walks over to Olivia and kisses her lovingly on the cheek. “Hey babe. How was your day?” He asks before he kisses the top of Kyle’s head.

“It was ok? Yours?”

“It was great. The Tropicana deal went through!”

“Really? That’s great.”

“Yeah. We reached a pretty good deal so the investors are happy.”

“How much did you sell it for?”

“A little over seven hundred mil. I could have pushed it for a billion, but like I said I’m just doing this to piss Hollister Cartwright off. The investors were happy with the amount and really, that’s all that mattered to me. I’m not really trying to make any money off of this deal.” 

“But you did get back what you put in right?”

“And then some. All of which will be put into an account for you. Like I said, you don’t have use it, but it will be there should you ever need it or change your mind.”

“Thank you.”

“I also had a PI of mine do some digging and it looks like Hollister is going to run into some IRS trouble. I placed a call this morning to one of my friends over at the bureau and they’re now combing through all of his financials with a fine-toothed comb. I’ll also drop an anonymous tip or two about some insider training I’ve become aware of. He’s as good as done. Believe me. By the time I’m through with him, not even a public defender will touch him. Should make a conviction on the charges you pressed pretty easy.”

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?”

“A little yes, but in a way he made it too easy. Guys like Hollister. They always feel entitled and they cut corners to get what they want because the rules don’t apply to them. They feel that way because they have friends in all the right places, but in this business no one is ever really your friend. When the shit hits the fan, you see that everyone around you has ducked.” 

“Is that how you feel about your friends?”

“Some of them. The ones I have from college I know are real, but with the rest I know it’s all business. They want me to fund their campaigns or invest in their business endeavors, but I’m sure if I needed them they would be no where to be found.”

“And these are the ones you call your friends?”

“No. These are the ones I call my business associates and it goes both ways. I scratch their backs and they scratch mine. At the end of the day I get to come home to you guys and that’s all that matters.” 

“Well, as long as you’re happy, so am I.”

“So what are you up to tonight?”

“Nothing. Dinner. Baths. Homework. Bedtime. The usual.” 

“Wow. Sounds boring. Get dressed.”

“What?”

“Get dressed. We are more than due for a night on the town.”

“Aidan.”

“Melody is on her way over. She can feed the kids. Do the baths and the homework and the bedtime. You and I? We are going out.”

She grins. “What should I wear?”

“Anything you want.”

“K. Give me an hour,” she says and bounces out of the room.

*

Olivia walks arm in arm with Aidan as they scurry across the street. The heels of her silver Tom Ford sandals click against the wet pavement. She had spent the past six weeks slumming it in sweat pants and T-shirts, but tonight she wanted to feel like herself again. So she decided to get all dolled up. She wore a Prussian blue dress that used to cling to her every curve, but now hung loosely on her more slender frame. She had styled her hair, added a touch of light make-up, and she had been ready to go. Aidan had made it seem like old times. He took them to a local go-cart track and she had beaten his ass, in heels and all. They then made a quick pit stop at Papaya’s for dinner and then at a pizza shop down the street. She wasn’t sure what he was up to, but she was up for the adventure.

They carry their goods as they run into the New York Hall of Science and he looks around for any sign of life.

“Aidan? What are we doing here?”

“Shhhh!” he tells her.

“Excuse me. You can’t be here. Visiting hours are over,” A security guard tells them as he shines a light in their face.

“Malcom, it’s me. Put that light out.”

“Oh. Mr. Malone. I didn’t know it was you.”

“Everything all set?”

“Yup. You have your end of the deal?”

“Here we are. One large Hawaiian, one large pepperoni, a coke and cheesey bread, and a little something for your trouble,” Aidan winks.

“Sounds right. One moment, let me radio my guy.”

“What’s going on?” Olivia asks.

“You’re about to find out,” Aidan replies.

Another man shows up and waves them over. Aidan takes Olivia’s hand and they follow behind him. He leads them to the auditorium and ushers them in.

“Everything you requested is right over there,” he points.

“Thanks my man,” Aidan shakes his hand and slips him a generous tip.

Aidan takes her hand and leads her to blanket that is set up with chilled champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. 

“You did all this?” Olivia questions.

“Yup, but wait, it gets better.”

The lights go out and she is frightened for a moment. Uncomfortable with the uncertainty. “Aidan? What’s going on?”

“Wait for it…” he says and then the ceiling above them glows with thousands of stars.

“Oh my God.”

“You like it?”

“Yeah.”

“Happy Anniversary baby.”

“What? Today’s not our anniversary.”

“In a way it is. Tonight marks the night I first saw you and knew that one day you would be mine. Of course, it took a couple months to get you to admit that we were actually dating, but the night I first saw you. That was the beginning for me.”

“Thank you. Not just for this, but for not giving up on me.”

“Thank you for finally giving me a chance. Now, let’s enjoy this.”

They settle down on the blanket and Aidan pops open the bottle of champagne and pours them each a glass while she dives into the strawberries.

“Where did you come up with this?”

“I saw it on an episode of Friends.”

“Friends. When do you watch all this TV? When you’re at home, you’re either working out or playing video games.”

“Well, when I’m out of town I’m either working out or watching sitcoms. Helps me keep up with the language in whatever country I’m in.” He lays back and gazes up at the swirling lights above them and she lays back beside him.

“Learn something new everyday. Tonight has been great by the way. Just like old times.”

“I figured we need to keep the relationship fresh, you know? I don’t want us to become one of those stale old married couples.”

“I agree. We should go out more. Hit Broadway or the ballet.”

“Really? I thought that would be too pretentious for you.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You’re so down to earth I figured things like that would bore you.”

“I like a good show, just like everyone else.”

“Does that mean you’ll come with me to the Kanye West concert next month?”

“No. I can’t believe you like him. He’s such an asshole.” 

“Musical genius.”

“Egomaniac.”

“Potato pota-to. So you’ll come?”

“Sure.”

“Speaking of Broadway, there are a few shows that I thought Kyle would like.”

“Sure, we could go.”

“Actually, I was wondering if I could take her. We’re getting married in a few months and she’s going to be my stepdaughter and everything, but I feel like I barely know her. I want her to like me, you know?”

“Aidan, she adores you. She can’t wait until you come home when you go away for business and counts down the days until you get back.”

“That’s because you suck at the Wii.”

“I don’t suck at the Wii. I don’t have time for the Wii.” 

“Well, I want us to have a real father-daughter relationship with her. I’m not trying to replace Elliot or anything, but I am about to become some sort of a father figure to her. I think that we should have more than just the Wii.”

“You’re right. Elliot’s going to hate it, but you’re right.”

“So maybe every now and then I can take her to a show or a movie or something?”

“I think we can make that happen. Aidan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for tonight.”

“We hadn’t been out in awhile. I figured it was about time we did something fun.”

“And it was. I don’t know, since the a-” she swallows hard. “Since the attack I haven’t felt much like myself and tonight was exactly what I needed. I also wanted to thank you for putting up with me. I admit there were times when I felt I would lose you.”

“For better or worse, Livia. I mean it.”

“I know but-”

“For better or worse,” he takes her hand in his and squeezes. 

She squeezes back. “Thank you.”

He leans over and kisses her and when she doesn’t pull away he shifts closer to her. Her lips part and her tongue dances on his lower lip. His comes out to meet hers and soon he is in her mouth. He threads his hand through her hair and pulls her closer. His hand caresses her waist and trails delicately down her side and up her dress and suddenly she is no longer beside him under the stars, but pinned against the leather seats of the limo, and it’s no longer Aidan touching her, but him, and all at once it is too much.

“No!” she says and shoves him off of her.

“I’m sorry. Olivia I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I thought. I’m so sorry.” She sits up and covers her face. “Olivia?”

“No. It’s not your fault. You didn’t- Dammitt!!! I hate him. I hate him for ruining this for us!” 

“I hate him too. Maybe. Maybe we should just go.”

“No. I don’t want tonight to be over. Not yet. Can we just stay here and talk just like before?”

“We can do whatever you want.”

He lays back down and she lays beside him, but neither says a word. The silence is palpable. She doesn’t know what to say and when she looks over he simply stares at the fake stars above them.

“You make your appointment with Vera yet?”

She sighs in relief. “Yeah. Next week.”

“She says she has a few designs she thinks you’ll like, but don’t think you have to pick one. I know the dress is kind of a big deal so…”

“I’m sure what ever she has is fine. I’ve always loved her dresses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Ai. I might not be a girly girl, but I am still a woman.”

“Really? I was beginning to wonder.” She punches him in the arm. “Ow! I’m starting to wonder again.” She tries to punch him again, but he catches her fist and links his fingers with hers.

“I love you,” she tells him.

“I know.”

Her laughter is music to his ears.

*

Olivia exits her therapist’s office and heads towards her car and she can smell him before she sees him. His cologne wafts through the air and she spots him leaned up against her car.

He grins when he sees her. “Serena, I missed you. Have you missed me?”

“Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.”

“Cute. Where’s my money?”

She pops her trunk, pulls out a briefcase and hands it to him. “You and I? We’re done. We’ve never met. We never will meet.” 

“Now, Serena. How can you say that after all we’ve been through? We have a bond, you and I.”

“Well, I think it’s time we sever it.”

“You know, I saw that pretty little fiancé of yours in the paper the other day. Something to do with fruit. He made quite a pretty penny off of that deal.”

“So?”

“So maybe a million’s not enough. I did some more research…he’s worth quite a bit. I think five hundred million would be a better amount.”

“Excuse me? Are you crazy? Where the hell do you expect me to find that kind of money?!”

“Your fiancé has it. That means you have it.”

“Are you insane?! Aidan’s money is Aidan’s money. I don’t have access to that.”

“Oh please, Serena. You’re a smart girl and you had to have learned a thing or two from me,” he winks. “You have two weeks or I’m coming for your daughter. She looks so…Sweet.”

She shoves him against her car and pulls a gun from her back and presses it against his his juggular. “You lay a finger on my daughter and the cops will be picking pieces of your sorry ass out of the Hudson. You have your money. One million is twice what I owed plus interest. Now you’re going to disappear and I’m never going see, hear, or smell you again.” She releases the safety on her glock. “We have a deal?” 

He swallows hard and shudders when a nearby pedestrian screams and flees in the opposite direction. Olivia holds the cold piece of metal steady. “We-we we have a deal,” he stutters. 

“Good. Now get the fuck out of my face.” 

* 

“Hello?” she answers and changes lanes.

“Hey, where are you?”

“On my way to pick up Kyle from school.” 

“Really? She doesn’t get out for another hour.”

“I know, but I was already out running errands by the time I got home I would have to just leave again.” 

“You’ve been heading over there early for a few weeks now. There isn’t another man, is there? Because you know you’ll never find anyone prettier than me.”

“No, she isn’t. Dammit. I guess you know now. I’ve been seeing another woman.” She pulls up outside of the school and parks close to the exit. She does a quick scan to make sure nothing is out of place. She’s the only parent there. The others won’t start showing up for another half an hour or so.

“Is she into threesomes?”

Olivia laughs. “You’re such a horn dog. Is there a reason for your call?” 

“Yeah. I was thinking we could all go out for dinner tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, just a family dinner. You, me, the man child, and Kyle.”

“Sounds nice. Alright I’m in. So we should head out at about five? The kids need to be in bed by eight and Kyle might have homework.” 

“Ok. I’ll pick Shawn up from daycare on my way home. Give you guys some extra time to get through her homework.”

“Thanks. So where’re we going?”

“It’s a surprise. See you at five!”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

*

“So how much homework do you have tonight?” Olivia asks as she presses lightly on the brake and eases the car to a stop.

“Just math. I finished my reading and spelling during free time.”

“Good job! I’m proud of you.”

“It was so easy, Mommy. Sis. Mary Francis always gives the easiest homework when Sis. Mary Clarence is sick.”

“I guess that’s lucky for you.”

“Yeah, but she’s coming back tomorrow.”

“Well, you make sure you’re nice to her and welcome her back.”

“I will.”

“So Kyle. Have you ever noticed any strange people standing outside your school?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just people you don’t know or haven’t seen before.”

“No.”

“Has anyone you don’t know tried to talk to you on the playground.”

“Mommy, I know not to talk to strangers. Daddy tells me all the time. He said not to talk to strangers ever. Even if they have candy or puppies and if one tries to talk to me I should scream and run away.”

“That’s right.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you want to know if there are strangers at school?”

“I just want to make sure you’re being safe.”

The light turns green and Olivia eases out into traffic. 

A horn blares.

Followed by the sickening crunch of metal against metal.

The glass shatters.

A scream.

Nothing.

Then…

“Ma’am, are you ok?”

She hears the loud voice and opens her eyes. Everything swirls around her. She closes them again. 

“Ma’am?”

She can hear crying. Who’s crying?

Kyle.

“Kyle!” She opens her eyes and searches frantically for her little girl. That’s when she smells it. Cologne. Unmistakable cologne that she would recognize anywhere. “No.”  
In the distance, she can hear his voice.

“It’s alright, Sweet girl. Don’t cry. Mama will be fine.”

“No,” she groans. “Get him away from her,” she says as she struggles to remain conscious.

“You’re so sweet,” she hears him say and spots him just as he kisses her daughter’s cheek.

“No.”

He walks over to her, Kyle in his arms. “Let this be a warning to you,” he whispers in her ear. “Don’t fuck with my money.”

He runs his fingers through Kyle’s hair. “You’re so sweet. Say bye bye to Mama.”

“No! Ky…” she tries before her body fails her and she loses consciousness.


	16. Breaking the Law

Chapter 16- Breaking The Law

“So, where are we on the Arsenault case?” Elliot asks his squad.

“Melinda says there’s no DNA evidence. Nails were cut and the body was doused in bleach,” Fin answers.

“Basically destroying all of our physical evidence,” Elliot grumbles. “Amaro, where are you and Rollins on a possible suspect.”

“Roommate says she’s had a string of boyfriends a mile long. She red flagged two of them. One of them made rounds selling ADHD medication at the local universities. She said our vic used to sell for him, but stopped one day and never said why,” Amaro answers.

“The other was openly abusive, both physically and mentally. We’re looking into both of them now.”

“Good. Fin, go back to Melinda and see if she’s found anything. Our perp can’t be that good. He had to have left behind something. Amaro, go find the rookie and take him with you to look into the drug dealer. Talk to the DEA see if they have anything against him. Rollins, you’re with me.”

“Lt. Stabler,” the desk clerk calls.

“Yeah,” he says as he heads out of the bullpen.

“You have a phone call.”

“Take a message.”

“But-”

“I said take a message. I’ll get back to them as soon as I get back.”

“But Sir, it’s Bellvue. They’re calling about your daughter and your ex-wife. There was an accident.”

*

“Daddy!” Kyle squeals and hops off the gurney to run to her father.

“Hold on-” the doctor calls, but it is too late. Kyle is already across the room and in her father’s arms. 

Elliot holds on to her for dear life, having spent the ten minutes it took him to race across town afraid that he had lost his baby girl. “I’m so glad you’re ok. I was so scared.”

“Hi Mr. Stabler, I’m Dr. Edwards. I was just about to sew up your daughter’s laceration.”

“Laceration?” Elliot turns head back to his daughter and gives her a once over and sure enough there is a deep cut right above her left eye. He turns his attention back to the young man standing beside him “How old are you?”

“I’m thirty sir, but don’t worry, I’m a second year resident. Your daughter’s in good hands.”

“No. I want a real doctor. Not some baby intern-” 

“Sir, I assure you-”

“No. My ex-wife is a nurse over at Columbia so I know the deal. Now, let me assure you. I want a real doctor to take care of my daughter. Someone who is actually allowed to practice under their own license and I want you to run every test on her. X-ray. CT, PET scan and whatever other acronym you can think of, otherwise you’re the one that’s going to need stitches.” 

“Yes, Sir,” the doctor answers and heads on his way. Elliot sits with Kyle in his lap and anxiously waits for someone else to show up. A doctor walks up, followed by Dr. Second Year Resident. 

“Hello, I’m Dr. Murphy, the trauma attending on service today. Dr. Edwards said you wanted someone with a bit more experience.”

“Yeah. I also told him I want you guys to run every test you had.”

“When she got in we immediately did an X-ray and saw that she had no broken bones, but if you insist we can run several others as well.”

“Yes. Please. I insist. Where’s her mother?”

“She’s currently undergoing a battery of tests. When they brought her in she was unconscious and at risk for internal bleeding, so we want to rule that out as well as any head injuries.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“From what I heard, someone ran a red light. Not sure if it was her or the other driver. Now, I will have an attending from plastics come down and stitch up your daughter and a nurse will get her prepped for those tests.”

“Thanks. Can I go with her?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you... Wait. Did a baby come in with her?”

“No. There was no mention of another child.”

“Kyle, do you know where your brother is?”

“He’s in daycare. On Tuesdays Mommy always picks me up and then gets him.”

“Ok. I’m going to go get your brother. You go with the nice nurse and I will be back in a flash.”

“Ok,” Kyle nods.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

*

Elliot paces the room with Shawn in his arms. It’s been hours and there is still no update on Olivia, and with each passing minute he grows more and more anxious. 

“Dada!” Shawn utters and Elliot looks at him in shock.

“Not you, asshole, he means me,” Aidan says and takes his son from Elliot and holds him close. “I’m so glad you’re ok.” Elliot watches him as he holds the young boy like a father who has found his lost his son. Aidan turns rage filled eyes towards Elliot. “Who the hell do you think you are?! You pick my son up from daycare without telling me? My finacé is in the hospital and you don’t inform me? A teacher at his school is probably going to lose her job because of you. I filed a police report. You could be charged with kidnapping.”

“You’re pushing this a bit far. Kyle went to the same daycare so Linda knows both me and Liv. She didn’t see the problem with letting him go with me. He wasn’t kidnapped.”

“Yeah? What do you call it when someone takes your child without telling you? No one could make out your chicken scratch handwriting and the teacher that signed him out to you left for the day and wasn’t picking up her cell phone. No one knew where he was!”

“Relax. He was with me the whole time and you can see that he is safe and sound.”

“That’s not the point! For the last three hours I didn’t know where my son was! I have police scouring the streets looking for him right now. I should press charges against you.”

“Press charges? He’s not even your kid.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. His adoption was finalized last week. So I have every legal right to press charges against you.”

“What? How-you can’t-”

“Well, I did. Now, where’s Olivia?”

“I’m still waiting for her doctors to come back and update me. Actually, here he is now.”

“Mr. Stabler, I’m so sorry about the wait. We had a trauma come in that required my immediate attention.”

“Excuse me,” Aidan steps up and offers his hand to the doctor. “I’m Aidan, Olivia’s fiancé.”

He shakes Aidan’s hand. “Dr. Murphy. Wait, did you say Fiancé? Mr. Stabler, I thought you were Mrs. Stabler’s husband?” 

“Mrs. Stabler? No, she hasn’t been that in years. They divorced five years ago.”

“Oh, well, I apologize. We have her in our system as Olivia Stabler.”

“I’ll fix that later. How is she?”

“She had a pretty bad wrist fracture, but we managed to set it without surgery. Her scan revealed that she’s fractured her third and fourth rib so she’s going to be in quite a bit of pain when she wakes up.”

“Wait, wakes up? She hasn’t woken up yet?”

“No. She came in unconscious. Her scans show no internal bleeding and no brain bleeds, so that’s good.”

“Great. So when can I take her home?”

“Well, we actually want to keep her here overnight for observation. She has a pretty bad concussion and we want to make sure there isn’t any cranial bleeding.”

“Bleeding? You just told me all of her scans were clear.”

“They are, but some bleeds are too small to show up on the scan. The only way to be sure is to check again after a few hours and make sure everything is ok.”

“How long will that take?”

“Now wait, you can’t take her out of here until she’s medically cleared,” Elliot interrupts.

“She’s not going to want to stay here.”

“And how do you know that?”

“I know. Wait, where’s Kyle? Is she ok?”

“She’s fine. I sent her home with her sister.”

“Why did you do that? Olivia’s going to want to see her.”

“Because she’s my kid and there was no reason to keep her here if nothing was wrong with her.”

There is a commotion and suddenly Olivia’s screams could be heard. They all rush towards the source and upon entering her room they see several nurses trying to hold her down. 

“No!!! Let me go!” she screams.

“Hey, no, stop!” Aidan says and tries to pull one of the nurses off of her just as the doctor steps over and injects something into her thigh. Olivia slowly stops fighting as her limbs go limp and once again she’s asleep. “What was that? What did you just give her?”

“It was a sedative to calm her down.”

“Why did you do that?! I could have calmed her down without that!”

“She was being disruptive and a danger to herself and others. I did what I thought was best.”

“Well, your best isn’t good enough! I want you off her case. Send in a new doctor to discharge her. I’m taking her home now.”

“You can’t take her home until she’s medically cleared,” Elliot speaks up.

“I can and I will.”

“Actually, Mr. Stabler is listed as her next of kin, which means he’s in charge of all her medical decisions until she’s competent to make those decisions herself.”

“That can’t be right. I’m her fiancé I should be making her medical decisions.”

“Well, according to the paperwork I have here in her chart he has the right to make all her decisions.”

“Let me see that.” He quickly scans through the document. “She signed that years ago. Back when she was still a cop. She’s married and divorced him since then.”

“Legally it’s his decision. I’m sorry, but we have to go with the paperwork that we have.”

“This is bullshit! I’m calling a lawyer.” 

*

“I’m sorry Aidan, but there’s nothing that I can do.”

“This is ridiculous! What am I paying you for, Alistair?”

“The documents they have are legally binding. We can’t dispute them. Ms. Benson would have to state that she doesn’t want Mr. Stabler in charge of her care or sign over power of attorney to you.”

“Alright then, let’s do that!”

“Given her mental state-”

“Her mental state is fine! She’s not crazy, she’s scared!”

“I know, but based on what happened tonight. That would be hard to prove.”

*

When you need to smile, but you can't afford it. Go on point it out I'm gonna steal it…

Aidan sits by her bedside with Shawn in his lap, waiting for her to awake. He dozes lightly as he drinks his bottle, oblivious to the chaos brewing around him. Elliot is off getting coffee and Aidan is thankful for the reprieve. Olivia’s eyes flutter and slowly she wakes.

“Hey,” Aidan says when her eyes finally open. He watches as the terror immediately fills her eyes. “There was an accident and you’re in the hospital.”

She thinks back and remembers. “Kyle?! Where’s Kyle.” 

“Shhh. Liv, you have to stay calm. If you don’t, they’re going to come back in here and sedate you again.”

“Where’s Kyle?! Oh God. Oh God, he took her. He took her!”

“Shhh. Livia please.”

The doctor comes in. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s fine. She’s just a little upset.”

“Looks like a bit more than that,” he heads over to a drawer and pulls out a glass bottle and syringe.

“Liv. Liv, please calm down. Please.”   
“He took her! You have to tell Elliot. You have to tell Elliot.”

“Do you know what she’s talking about?” Dr. Murphy asks.

“She thinks Elliot took her kid. Like he did the last time she was here.”

“I have to find her,” she says and begins to pull off her monitors while trying to get up.

“No, Mrs. Stabler you have to stay in bed. I need a nurse!” The doctor calls.

“It’s Benson! And you don’t need to sedate her. Just give her a minute.” Aidan snaps.

“Step out of the way, Mr. Malone, before I have you removed.”

Aidan stands. “You remove me and I’ll have your medical license mounted to my wall by then end of the week.”

“You’re getting in the way of the care of my patient.”

“You’re sedating her for no reason!” In his arms Shawn begins to cry.

“What’s going on here?” Elliot asks as he walks into the room.

“Tell him not to sedate her!” Aidan demands.

“What’s going on here?”

“As you can see she’s clearly agitated and I’m concerned she may exacerbate her injuries.”

“Just give me a chance to talk to her and calm her down.” Behind them Olivia fights with several nurses as they struggle to put her in restraints. “You’re just going to let them do that to her?”

“She can shift one of the fractured bones in her ribs and it can puncture one of her organs. In which case she’ll need surgery,” the doctor pushes.

Elliot swallows hard. He’s unsure of what to do, but overall Olivia’s safety is what matters most. “Do what you think is best,” he tells the doctor and watches on as he sticks the needle into her IV. 

“You have to tell him,” she says to Aidan. “Tell him that I tried to protect her. He’s going to take her away from me.”

“No, he won’t. I won’t let him.”

“I tried to protect her. You have to know… have to know… I tried…” 

He watches her drift back into unconsciousness and helpless rage fills him. He marches out into the hall and walks over to his lawyer who sits nearby talking on his cell phone. “You figure something out. Wake a judge. Call a senator. File a fucking motion. I don’t care what you have to do, but she is not spending the night here.”

“Hey, don’t get on him. There’s nothing he can do,” Elliot intervenes.

“You don’t talk to me!”

“Look can’t you look past your self righteous ego and see that everyone here is just trying to help her.”

“How is sedating her helping her?! You’re taking advantage of her. Walking around here having everyone here think you’re her husband when you’ve been divorced for years! She can barely stand you and you know there is no way in hell she would want you making any kind of medical decision for her.” 

“I’m doing what’s best for her. I’m trying to keep her alive. Something about her isn’t right. If you weren’t so busy trying to prove to everyone how important you are, you would see that! And try to do what’s best for her.”

“Oh you think I don’t want to keep her here? You don’t think I would love for her to stay here with all the doctors and technology and medicine that can all keep her alive should something go wrong? I would love to, but see the last time she was here in this exact same hospital some Douche Bag Asswipe Pathetic Excuse for a Husband took her kid and left her here to die, and every now and then she wakes up screaming in a cold sweat from a nightmare where she has to relive it all. She’s so traumatized the only thing I can do to calm her down is sing to her! And it all begins with her waking up here. So yeah, I would love to have her stay here and be monitored for internal bleeding, but I can’t because a few years ago you couldn’t get over your own self righteousness. Her being here is doing more harm than good. You would see that if you weren’t so busy taking pleasure in the fact that once again she is at your mercy.” He walks over to his lawyer. “Where are you with this?”

“Everyone at my firm is working on it, but we’re not getting far. We keep running into the same roadblock. Only she can sign over her power of attorney.”

“Mr. Stabler, I think we need to discuss a possible psych hold,” Dr. Murphy says to Elliot.

Aidan stares over at the woman he loves and becomes frustrated by his own helplessness. He racks his brain for some kind of loophole as he paces the hallway and tries to calm to his son, when suddenly, it dawns on him. He pulls his phone from his pocket and quickly searches through his contacts and dials. It rings once. Twice. Then-

“Hello?”

“I need your help.”

*

Melinda Warner marches down the hall of Bellvue Hospital’s Emergency Department. She walks past Elliot and stops in front of Aidan. 

“Mel? What are you doing here?” Elliot asks.

“I’ll deal with you later,” she tells him before turning her attention back to Aidan. “Where is he?”

“In her room. Probably assessing what drugs to pump her with next.”

“Give me a minute.” She walks into Olivia’s room, heading for the doctor with Aidan, Alistair, and Elliot trailing behind her. “You Dr. Murphy?”

“I am, and you are?”

“I’m Dr. Melinda Warner, and I have power of attorney over Ms. Benson here,” she hands him a sheet of paper.

“No, according to our records-”

“Your records are out of date. She signed the form you have in 2003. She has since married and divorced this man,” she points to Elliot, “and gotten engaged to this man,” she points to Aidan, “with whom she has a child with. What makes you think she would want her ex husband in charge of her medical decisions?”

“Legally, we have to go by what our records say.”

“Well, your records should also say that after she was shot and that he abandoned her and didn’t give a shit whether she lived or died. Or do you only pay attention to the parts of her medical record that suit your agenda?” She glances at Olivia. “Wait, why is she in restraints?”

“She was very agitated and became a danger to herself and my staff. So we had to restrain and sedate her.” 

“You did what?! I want her out of the restraints and off whatever sedative you have her on. As a matter of fact give me her chart! You’re off her case.”

“You can’t do that. How do we even know that this is even authentic?”

“I can have it verified if you would like,” Alistair offers.

“Like I can trust anything you say,” the doctor snarks.

“Then you can trust the paperwork that I’m having faxed over from New York Pres. Where she had her baby and signed documents stating that I am to be in charge of her medical care a year ago.”

“I’m going to have to have this verified by our legal department.”

“You do that, but if you come anywhere near her with anything stronger than saline you will find my foot so far up your ass you’ll be a patient in your own ER.”

The men behind her grin while Dr. Murphy swallows hard.

*

Hours later Olivia wakes to find herself in the same place her nightmares always begin. The panic sets in. The heart monitor beside her signals her increasing heart rate and alerts those around her to her conscious state.

“Hey,” Aidan calls to her softly.

“What? Why am I here?”

“Shhh,” he croons and hands Shawn to her, who has been sleeping soundly in his father’s arms. “See? Feel him. He’s real. This isn’t a dream.”

She holds her baby close and kisses the top of his head. “Why am I here?”

“You were in a car accident.”

“An accident?” 

“Yeah, earlier this afternoon.”

She thinks back on it and suddenly she remembers it all. The crunch of metal against metal. The shattering of the glass. “Oh God. Where’s Kyle?”

“She’s fine. She had a cut on her forehead that required some stiches, but there weren’t any broken bones. You weren’t so lucky. You have a couple of cracked ribs.”

“So that’s the pain. I’m so sorry. I should have been paying more attention.”

“No. They say the guy ran the red. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah, but-”

“You. Did nothing. Wrong.”

“Where’s Kyle?”

“Elliot sent her home with one of his other daughters.”

“When can I go home?”

“They want to keep you here for observation and make sure there’s no internal bleeding. Not to mention you have a pretty bad concussion.”

“I don’t care. I want to go home.”

“Melinda is here. We’ll see what we can do.”

*

I'll never stop breaking the law for you…

“Hey hey hey, where are you going?” Aidan asks when they enter her apartment and she makes a beeline for her bedroom.

“Ai, I’m tired I just want to go to bed.”

“No. The doctor I hired to monitor you tonight is on his way and Melinda said that I should keep you up until he gets here so he can make a base line assessment of your condition. Couch. I’m going to go put Shawn down and then I’ll be right back.”

She sighs and heads to the couch. Moments later Aidan joins her and settles in beside her. “How’re you feeling?” he asks.

“My head hurts a little, but I’m ok otherwise.”

“Your ribs ok?” 

“Yeah. Whatever they gave me at the hospital is still working so I’m fine.”

“Good. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will. Aidan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For fighting so hard for me back there. I really appreciate it.”

“Olivia, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Whatever it takes to get what you need. Ignore the alarms. Ignore the police…

“I know, but no one - no one’s ever...”

“It wasn’t a problem Liv, really.” 

“You had a lawyer and Melinda and you went up against Elliot and he’s the most stubborn man I’ve ever met. So I know it wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t. I don’t like being helpless, and for those few hours I was. First, I didn’t know where you were or where Shawn was.”

“Why didn’t you know where Shawn was?”

“Elliot picked him up from the daycare and didn’t think it was worth telling me.”

“He did what?! Ai, I’m so sorry. You must have been going crazy.”

“I was. When the nurse told me there was an accident and that only you and Kyle were brought in, I spent the next twenty minutes worried that he had been thrown from the car and rolled out of sight somewhere and no one knew. Or that he had been kidnapped from daycare. A million scenarios ran through my head.”

“I can imagine. Believe me, I plan on having a serious conversation with Elliot later.”

“I think…”

“What?”

“I think he’s still in love with you. Before I thought he was just jealous of us, but today he seemed to enjoy being referred to as your husband. I’m sure pissing me off was just an added bonus, but there was something different about him. He cared about you. More than I’ve ever seen him care before.”

“That’s just Elliot. He’s always been overprotective and caring.”

“Olivia, this is the same man that put you in handcuffs.”

“Yeah, but he’s also the same man that spent a week trying to sober me up.”

“I guess. I just think there’s more there.”

She shrugs. “Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t. I can’t speak for Elliot.”

“But you can speak for you.”

“Aidan, I’m too tired to fight with you about this right now. So please save your insecurities for the morning. Where’s this doctor anyway?”

“He’s on his way. He said he was coming from seeing a patient upstate when I called him back at the hospital. He should be here soon.”

“I need him to be here now so I can get some sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open.”

Aidan grins. “Well, I can think of a few things to help you stay awake.”

“Aidan, I’m not having sex with you.”

“You don’t have to do a thing,” he whispers into her ear. He kisses a spot right beneath it and trails down the column of her neck. He stops at the base and tickles the area with his tongue. 

“Aidan,” she moans.

He kisses her then, wasting no time to delve his tongue into the depths of her mouth while he slowly slides his hand up her thigh. He undoes the button on her jeans and slides his hand inside and past her underwear. 

“No-” she grapples for his hand. 

“Shhh,” he whispers and links fingers with hers. “It’s just me,” he tells her and locks eyes with her. “It’s just me,” he whispers again. “Please. Let me do this for you.” He kisses her once more and this time when his fingers enter her pants she doesn’t stop him. She spreads her legs to give him more room to maneuver and moans into his kiss. He pleases her with slow gentle strokes and she lets him. She’s missed this part of her life. The pleasure. The intimacy. The connection she has with him.

He pulls away from her and kneels before her. He hooks his fingers in her belt loops and she arches her hips to aid him in the removal of her jeans. Her underwear quickly follows. He spreads her wide on her couch and moves to dip his tongue inside her when suddenly-

“No.”

He pauses. “What?”

She pushes him away causing him to fall back and bang his head on her coffee table. “No. I don’t want to do this,” she says and uses one hand to pull her pants and underwear up. 

“Wait, Olivia,” he reaches out a hand to help her and she jerks away from him.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Livia?” She doesn’t say anything and shuffles off to her bedroom, then slams the door in his face. “Olivia? Did I do something wrong? I’m-I’m- sorry. Olivia? Olivia???”

 

*

Olivia shifts in a vain effort to find a comfortable spot. Her ribs are killing her and it’s ridiculously hot. She’s tried everything. Sleeping on her stomach is Not An Option. Neither is either of her sides. However, she is also uncomfortable on her back. Aidan has given her his pillows and they’ve even used a couple couch cushions to no avail. There’s a twinge in her back and beside her Aidan sighs.

It was only after the doctor arrived that she agreed to open the door, and once he left she refused to talk to him about what happened. So they agreed to go to bed and leave it at that.

“Livia.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Let me fill your prescription.”

“No.”

“You need to sleep.”

“I know. Just give me a second. I’m just trying to find a comfortable position,” she says and tries to shift again.

“There is no comfortable position. The reason you can’t sleep is because you’re in pain. Let me fill your prescription.”

“No. I’ll be fine with a couple more Ibuprofen.”

“I just gave you 1200mg an hour ago. You can’t have any more. You weren’t even supposed to have that much.” She sighs and covers her face in frustration. “You know, no one is going to think anything of you if you take it.”

“I’m not taking it.”

“C’mon Olivia. You’re obviously in pain. It’s affecting your breathing, which is why you’re so hot.”

“No.”

“Olivia. Put your pride aside.”

“This is not about my pride.”

“Of course it is. You don’t want to seem weak by giving in and taking the pills.”

“You don’t understand.”

“What? What don’t I understand?”

“How do you think I got hooked on narcotics in the first place?”

“What?”

“When I was shot. They discharged me with vicodin. At first I liked the pain. It was a constant reminder that what happened wasn’t a dream and that I was actually living a nightmare. I started taking it when I wanted my emotional pain to go away. It was months before they realized I was an addict.”

“Fuck. I’m such an idiot. That’s why the Ibuprofen isn’t working. Your tolerance is too high.”

“Yes, and believe me I want the drugs, but I don’t want them for the pain. I’ve been sober for over two years. I don’t want to fall off the wagon now. Whatever they gave me in the hospital open the floodgates and I don’t want to fall through.”

“Well, maybe if I-”

“No,” she tells him firmly and looks at him with all seriousness in her eyes. 

“Ok. Ok. I’ll figure something else out.”

“Like what?”

“I got it. Come with me.”

“Where’re we going?”

“Just come with me.” He helps her up and together they shuffle their way to the living room where he lays her down on the couch. He leaves her and returns with pillows from her bedroom. He places them strategically and props her up as comfortably as he can. “How’s that?”

“Better.”

“Now wait here. I’ll be right back.” She closes her eyes and dozes lightly. She jumps up when she feels something cold against her chest. “Sorry. I know this won’t do much, but at this point it’s better than nothing. I’m going to follow this up with some heat. Hopefully this should help with the pain.”

“Thank you,” she mumbles tiredly.

“Don’t worry about it.”

*

Olivia sits comfortably on the couch, watching one of her favorite movies. On the screen, Julia Roberts goes off on her boss yet again. She always loved this character. Headstrong. Feisty. Determined. She saw a lot of herself in the Erin Brockovich character. Some of which she liked, others not so much. There’s a knock on her door and she can tell from the late hour who it is. Only Elliot Stabler would think it was ok to pop by at 11PM. She can tell by the way Aidan marches to answer the door, mumbling a few choice explicatives along the way, that he knows this as well.

“Be nice,” she cautions.

“Where is she?” Elliot growls and bypasses Aidan. 

“Hello to you too, Elliot.”

“What the hell, Olivia!” Elliot yells and shakes the paper in front of her. “Why the hell is he going out alone with my daughter?!”

“Now, wait a minute-” Aidan tires.

“You don’t talk to me!” Elliot shouts.

“No! You don’t come into my house and tell me what to do.”

“You don’t even live here. Don’t you still have your own apartment?”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve been living here for months. If you came around every now and then to see your kid, you would know that. Now, I know you have some pressing need to take out your insecurities on my fiancé, but it’s late and she needs her rest. So if you want to yell and scream and stomp your feet, you can do that someplace else. If you would like to sit down and have a civilized conversation like an adult, you’re more than welcomed to, but otherwise you’re going to need to leave.” 

The room is quiet. Olivia stares at both men and both men stare at each other, unblinking. Both clench their fists at their sides. Both grind their teeth. Finally, Elliot takes a seat beside her without breaking eye contact. 

Aidan turns his attention to Olivia. “You want me to put him down?” he motions to the sleeping baby in her arms.

She looks down at her little angel. She wants more time with him. “No. I’m good. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

“Ok. Let me know if you need anything.” He eyes Elliot one last time before heading down the hall. 

Elliot watches him leave. “What’s his problem?”

“He’s tired. Now what’s yours?”

“I saw this in the paper in this morning,” he hands her the paper and there is a picture of Aidan and Kyle walking. Her hand held firmly in his.

“So? What’s the problem?”

“The problem? Look at the headline. “Millionaire Spends Quality Time With Daughter. Quality time with daughter. She’s not his daughter.” 

“Elliot, we can’t control everything the paper prints.”

“Why is he out with her anyway? It mentions other sightings as well.”

“He wanted to spend some quality time with her. I don’t see the harm in that.”

“The harm is he could-”

“Elliot, you finish that sentence and so help me God, broken ribs or not I’m kicking your ass.”

“You don’t see the problem with a grown man wanting spending alone time with a little girl? Are you kidding me?!”

“He’s NOT. A. PEDOPHILE! And this is the last time I’m going to have this conversation with you. He’s going to be her stepfather and out of respect for you and your feelings he’s kept his distance. Now he wants to build a relationship with her. There’s nothing wrong with that. He takes her Broadway shows and ice cream and she loves it. She looks forward to it. There’s nothing sexual or inappropriate about it.”

“Well, I don’t like it.”

“Well, I guess that’s just too damn bad.”

“You’re feisty tonight.”

“I guess I’m just tired of your bullshit, Elliot.”

“Oh. This is about the hospital, isn’t it?”

“Yes, and about every other asinine thing you’ve done.”

“Look, I get that you’re mad-”

“You’re damn right I’m mad. You had everyone in there believing that I was your wife and that you had the right to make decisions for me.”

“Aidan wanted to take you home and the doc was afraid you might have internal bleeding. I didn’t want you to end up like the actress that bumped her head skiing and died a few hours later.”

“It wasn’t your decision to make! Aidan would never do anything to hurt me or put my life in danger. He would have made sure that I was medically ok to go home.”

“I thought I was making the right decision.”

“You weren’t. Then you picked Shawn up from daycare and told no one.”

“Now I was just trying to help there. I thought you were probably on your way to pick him up when the accident happened. I didn’t want him to be stuck there all evening.”

“You should have told Aidan. You’re not stupid. You knew he would want to know where he was. What if it was Kyle? What if you went to pick her up from school and they told you someone already picked her up and you didn’t know who did.”

“That’s different. Kyle’s my daughter. Shawn’s not even his kid.”

“There!”

“What?”

“You don’t respect him as a parent because he’s not Shawn’s biological father.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true, and I don’t like what that says about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“What if it was us?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if we were together. Would you ostracize my son because he isn’t yours? Would you not try to build a relationship with him or care about him because you and he didn’t share blood? Would you become a pedophile and molest him when I wasn’t around?”

“No!!! God, no!!! Are you kidding me? I would love him as my own.”

“So why can’t Aidan do the same? What’s so different about him that he can’t be a father to kids that aren’t biologically his?”

“Nothing. Nothing. I just. I don’t want him replacing me.”

“He’s not trying to do that.”

“He already has.”

“What do you mean?”

“How could you let him adopt Shawn without discussing it with me first?”

“Excuse me?!”

“No. No, I don’t mean it like that, but…don’t you think we should have done a test first?”

She stares down at her baby boy and looks back at Elliot. “El, he isn’t yours.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Look at him. He’s not your son. There isn’t even an ounce of Stabler in him. With Kyle I knew. Even when she was in my womb, I knew. There was just something about her. She was a Stabler. I could just feel it and when she was born it was there. From day one. She had your eyes and your temper and-and…she was a Stabler. He’s…He’s not and deep down inside you know it too.”

“No.”

“Elliot, you would have fought me tooth and nail to be in his life if you truly believed he was your son.”

“I had some doubt! Even you said you’d been with other people around the time you got pregnant with him. I wasn’t sure, but I still thought there was a chance.”

“No, Elliot. You know he’s not yours.” He stares at the baby sleeping in her arms. There’s so much Olivia in him it’s painfully clear, but there’s also someone else. Someone he doesn’t recognize. “Do you know who his father is?”

“Of course I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I have my suspicions.”

“You’re not going to let him know he has a son?”

“Why? I’m sure he’s happy wherever he is now and we’re happy here. There’s no need to ruin that.”

“He has a right to know, Liv.”

“Maybe one day he will, but for now Aidan is his father.”

“So you really let him adopt him. I’m surprised.”

“Why?”

“Just. Didn’t think you would ever want to share custody with anyone else.”

“It wasn’t an easy decision and I thought about it for a long time. Believe me, it wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but in the end I knew I had to make the best decision for my son and having Aidan as his father is what’s best. He loves Aidan and I know that Aidan loves him, and will do anything for him and will do everything in his power to protect him. Even if it is from me.”

“Aren’t you afraid of that?”

“I love Shawn more than I love myself. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. I gave up a life of drugs and prostitution for him. Before him I wanted to die, but when I found out I was pregnant, everything changed. It was about him. It was about what was best for him. If I’m doing something to hurt him, then I want someone there to shield him from me. Aidan will do that, but I also know that Aidan won’t abuse that power, because he loves me as well. I know that he will always put Shawn first and no matter what happens between us, I know that he will always be there for him. I want that for Shawn. He deserves that. He deserves Aidan and Aidan deserves him. You should see them together. Shawn gets so excited when Aidan comes home and Aidan is the same.”

“You really love him, don’t you?”

“Who? Aidan?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course.”

“Why? He’s such a pompous ass.” 

“To you he is, but to me, he’s my prince charming. My knight in shining armor. He’s the guy that shows up at the end of the movie and whisks the girl off in his Camaro. He’s always there. When you need him and when you don’t. He’s there. He loves me in spite of myself. He knows every bad thing about me and he loves me anyway.”

“I get why he loves you, I don’t get why you love him.”

She thinks for a moment and ends up smiling. “What’s not to love? He’s perfect for me El. He’s great with my kids. Funny. Romantic. He’s a great guy and he makes me happier than I’ve ever been. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him. Right now he’s so cranky because he’s exhausted. He’s been waiting on me hand and foot all day and night. I’ve been such a bitch to him and he’s been so patient with me. Last night he was up alternating ice packs and heating pads so that I could sleep. Not once did he ever utter a complaint. He never complains. He just tells me how much he loves me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Liv. You deserve all of that. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.”

“Thanks.”

“I was going to go kiss Kyle goodnight. Want me to put him down for you?”

“Yeah. Aidan’s probably asleep by now and I don’t want to wake him.”

Elliot lifts Shawn from his mother’s arms and walks him back to his bedroom. He holds him close and kisses his golden curls. He tucks him into his crib and runs his fingers through his hair. He watches the baby sleep for a moment and then he lets him go. He lets go his hopes and dreams about this child. He lets go of the longing he’s had in his heart for him since the day he first became aware of him. He lets go of the fantasy of teaching him how to throw a ball or how to ride a bike. He lets go of the vision he had of him taking his first communion. He lets go of the hope of having him follow in his footsteps and joining the force. He lets go of everything. He simply lets go. He heads into Kyle’s room and kisses his baby girl goodnight before returning to the living room. 

“He go down ok?” Olivia asks.

“Yeah. You need any help getting to bed?”

“No. I’m ok. I’m going to finish watching this.”

He glances at the TV. “Erin Brockovich. You love that movie. You know, you’re a lot like her.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. Have a good night, Liv.”

“You too. Night, Elliot.”

“Night, Liv.”

*  
“Livia!” Aidan calls when he steps into her apartment.

“Dada! Dada!” Shawn squeals as he toddles down the hall sans pants. 

“Hey, buddy,” Aidan smiles and swoops the baby up into his arms. “Livia?”

“I’m here,” Olivia replies. “He slipped away before I could get his pants on again.”

“You giving your Mom trouble again?” Aidan questions Shawn and tickles him. The baby laughs in delight. 

Olivia comes down the hall and pauses when she sees a man standing behind him. He is tall and wears a simple black and white suit. “Who’s that?”

“You don’t recognize him?”

She takes a closer look at him and it dawns on her. “You’re the limo driver.”

“This is Elio, Eli for short. He’s your new driver and bodyguard.”

“My new what?”

“Driver and Bodyguard.” 

“Umm. Aidan, can we talk for a minute?”

“Sure.” He sets Shawn down and follows her into a remote corner of her living room. 

“What’s up?”

“What’s up? You bring a strange man into my house, tell me he’s my bodyguard, and expect me to just be ok with all this?”

“You forgot driver.”

“Aidan.” 

“You don’t have to worry. I did some research and found him. I went to thank him for helping you and I found out that he lost his job over the whole ordeal. I felt bad. So I told him I’d find something for him to do. I originally thought he could just be a driver for us, but then I thought that would be waste of his obvious God-given talents. I mean look at the guy, he could probably crush me with his pinky. So I had him trained by the best so that should anything happen he could also protect you.” 

“I can protect and drive myself, thank you very much.”

“Not that you can’t. You need help and I have to go to California for a couple of days. He can help you in my absence.” 

“I don’t need him.” 

“He lost his job when he helped you and then he was about to lose his apartment because he could no longer make rent and all he did was help you. The least we can do is help in his time of need.”

“I understand that, but do we have to help him here?”

“Give him a chance. Test him out over the next couple of days and if you don’t like him I’ll find something else for him to do.” She simply stares at him. “Who knows, you might end up liking him. Shawn does,” she glances over and sees her son, currently trying to climb their new employee.

“Fine. I’ll give him a chance.”

“Great!” He reaches in his pocket. “Your car was totaled in the accident. So here are the keys to your new Escalade.”

“Aidan,” she chastises.

“I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer on this one. You need something safe to get around in and you know I don’t do simple.”

“Well, how about simpler?”

“Baby, you know I don’t do that either.”

*

Olivia walks down the steps of her psychiatrist’s office, glad to be done with another session. She promised Aidan she’d do ten sessions. She’s done four and is currently trying to figure out how to get out of the other six. She hates talking about her feelings and reliving moments of her life that she would rather forget, but she does feel the a little weight lift off of her shoulders with every session she goes to and she’s starting to feel like herself more and more. She spots the monstrosity Aidan refuses to get rid of down the street and heads in that direction when suddenly she’s being gripped and thrown against one of the cars parked along the street. 

“Where’s my money, bitch?”

She recognizes Xavier’s voice and the overpowering smell of his cologne. He shoves himself against her and presses her ribs into the unyielding hardness of the car. She loses her breath from the white-hot lightning pain of it. Then suddenly the weight is off her and she looks up to see Eli slam him against the car.

“Touch her again, and you die,” Eli warns.

Olivia tripods herself against the car in an effort to catch her breath. 

“Tell your goon to let go of me!” Xavier yells as he struggles against Eli’s firm grip. He slams him against the car again.

“In a minute,” she pants. She rights herself and faces him. “I don’t have your money.”

“The goon?”

“Eli you can let him go.” Eli loosens his grip, and Xavier shrugs off his grasp. Eli positions himself between the two while Xavier straightens his coat and adjusts his suit. “There’s no way I can get that amount of money to you. I just can’t. I don’t have it.”

“Your fiancé does. You think that car crash was an accident? That was your first warning. This is your second. You have two days to come up with my money, otherwise you and those stupid kids of yours won’t be walking away from the next one.” Xavier turns away and walks away in huff.

“Eli, I need you to do me a favor.”

“You don’t want me to tell Mr. Malone,” he says in his heavy Hispanic accent.

“Please. I know I don’t-”

“It’s no problem, Ms. Benson. Now let’s get you home. Ok?”

“Ok. Please, call me Olivia.”

“Ok. Ms. Olivia.”

*

Olivia pulls the ice pack from her ribs and looks at the dark blotches that cover the upper part of her abdomen. The new bruising is definitely going to send up alarms to Aidan and he’s going to ask questions. She wonders how long she’ll be able to hide this from him.

“What the hell happened?”

Apparently not long.

Aidan drops his bag in the doorway and rushes to her side. He removes the ice pack and takes in the damage. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“What happened?”

“I just tripped over one of Shawn’s toys, it’s not a big deal.”

“And it did this?! We have to get you to the hospital. Someone needs to check that out.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“The last time the doctor said you were at risk for having something punctured. We need to have you checked out.”

“But I feel fine.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer on this,” she cocks an eyebrow at him and he revises his last statement. “Just a quick scan. Please.” 

That’s more like it. “Fine. Get my coat.”

*

“So how did you fall again?” the doctor asks as he palpates Olivia’s abdomen.

“I just tripped over one of my son’s toys. No big deal,” she winces and hisses in pain.

“Sorry. There’s quite a bit of bruising for such an insignificant fall.”

“Well, I landed on this,” she holds up her casted forearm. 

“Well, that could do it. Pretty awkward fall, though. Most people try to brace themselves with their arms. Does your arm hurt at all?”

“No, it’s fine. Cast did its job.”

“Alright, I’m going to take a couple X-rays and run a couple scans, but it looks like you’re fine. I’m going to go order those scans.”

She watches him leave and her eyes go over to Aidan, who sits in the corner silently, staring, and she can tell from the look on his face that he is buying very little of her story.

*

The next day Aidan calls Eli into his office. “Have a seat,” he tells the larger gentleman. Eli seats himself in the chair across from Aidan’s desk. “Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Soda?”

“No, thank you.”

“Good. So I just wanted to talk to you and see how you were liking the job.”

“Oh, I like it a lot Mr. Malone. Thank you so much for helping me out.”

“Not a problem. Thank you for helping Olivia.”

“I was just trying to do the right thing.”

“Well, you did. Now, I also have another question for you. Olivia got hurt the other day. Were you there?” 

“No, but I heard she fell.”

Aidan nods. He knew Olivia would try to cover her bases. He comes from around his desk and sits in the seat beside Eli. “Eli, I know she didn’t fall, and I know there’s something she’s trying to hide from me.” Eli stares at him silently, unsure of what to do. “I didn’t hire you to spy on my fiancé, but I need you to tell me if you think she may be in any kind of danger. So I’m going to ask you one more time and I want you to think carefully about your answer. Whatever you say I will believe you, because so far you’ve given me no reason not to trust you. So Eli, do you know how Olivia got hurt the other day?”

Eli stares at Aidan, his brown eyes never breaking contact from the blue, and then slowly, they lower, and hesitantly he nods. “There was a man.”

“What man? What’s his name?”

“I didn’t get his name.”

“Ok. What did he look like?”

“Umm. He was about your height. Dark hair. He wore it slicked back. He had on this fancy suit and coat, and cologne. Lots of cologne.”

“Xavier,” Aidan whispers to himself. “Did he say what he wanted?”

“Money. I think she owes him a lot of money, because she says she doesn’t have it, but I think he wants her to get it from you. He said that car crash wasn’t an accident, and that if he didn’t get the money she wouldn’t walk away from the next one. Or the kids.”

“How much time did he give her to get him this money?”

“Two days.”

“Thank you. I want you to go back to the apartment and make sure nothing happens to Olivia or the kids.”

“Yes, sir,” Eli says as he stands to leave. 

Aidan pulls out his cell phone and begins to make a call. “Oh, and Eli?”

He pauses at the door. 

“Thank you.” 

Eli nods and heads on his way.

*

“Mr. Garibaldi, so nice of you to join me after such short notice. Can I get you anything?”

“A cappuccino if you have it.”

“Of course we do. EJ, could you get Mr. Garibaldi a cappuccino?”

“Sure thing Mr. Malone. I’ll be back in just a moment,” the young Filipino man says before leaving the two men alone.

“You’re in for a real treat. EJ makes the best cappuccinos.”

“I can’t wait. You know I was actually waiting for your call. I knew my message would eventually reach you.”

“So. Let’s get right to it then. How much does Olivia owe you?”

“Olivia…such a fine specimen. I remember when I first saw her. I knew she was a gold mine. Then when I finally,” he closes his eyes and hums in pleasure. “I was so tempted to keep her for myself, but you know. Business is business.” 

“It is,” Aidan nods in agreement. 

“So you know, that when I lost her, I lost a great deal of business.”

“I can imagine. Look I have a meeting after this so…”

“Five hundred million.”

“Five hundred million. Wow. That’s quite a bit of business, but you see, I’m a business man as well, so I know when I’m being duped. I also know that Olivia already paid you a million, which according to my calculations, is way more than what she originally owed you, so as far as I’m concerned her debt is square.”

EJ returns and hands Xavier his cappuccino. “Is there anything else I can get you Mr. Garibaldi?”

“No, this is perfect.”

“And you, Mr. Malone?”

“No, EJ. Thank you, that would be all.” EJ leaves it is just the two men.

Xavier takes a sip of his cappuccino and hums in appreciation. “You are right. This is the best cappuccino I’ve had in awhile. Now, where were we? Ah yes. The matter of Olivia’s debt. It is true that she had, in fact, paid me more than what she owed…but there is the matter of my silence.”

“Your silence?”

“Yes. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if the papers were to disclose what your fiancé was really doing for all those years. I know the tabloids would love it.”

“Yes, but that’s a double edged sword. No one would ever do business with you again.”

“A small price to pay. Besides, my business is international. I can simply move on. However the damage done…Her children. Your business associates. I can make you a leper,” he says and takes a sip of his cappuccino.

“Yes, but you forget my business is also international, and my reach is far greater, and my grip is a lot stronger. Now. Instead of getting into a pissing contest, how about I make you an offer that will make both of us happy. I have for you today: one million in cash, and once you reach your destination of choice, another million will be wired into a special account in your name.”

“I want five hundred million.”

Aidan laughs. “We both know that you’re not getting five hundred million. Now, as you said before, business is business and you going to the tabloids is not business. It’s personal. You can sell your story to every newspaper or magazine and still not make what I’m offering you. To me that’s just bad business.”

“Hmm. You seem to have a point there.”

“I do. So you can take my offer, but of course I would like something in return.”

Xavier chuckles.“ Of course you do. What is it you would like?”

“Your disappearance.”

“Not a problem.”

“Today.”

“Today? Well, I couldn’t possibly-”

“Well, that’s what the million in cash is for. Moving expenses. If you can’t leave today, then maybe a million is too much.”

“No, no. A million is perfect. I will be on a plane to Brazil by midnight tonight.”

“Great.” Aidan hands him a solid black briefcase. “The rest of your money will be waiting for you by the time you land with a little extra for your cooperation,” Aidan winks.

Xavier finishes what is left of his drink and places the cup and saucer on Aidan’s desk. He stands and reaches out his hand for Aidan to shake. Aidan does not return the gesture. “It was great doing business with you. I’m so glad we were able to reach an understanding. I didn’t want to hurt Olivia or the little kiddies. I’m actually quite fond of her. She was my best whore. Loyal. Obedient, and tight,” he grins mischievously. “Well, you know. Have a great day.”

Aidan simply watches him go.

*

Olivia lets herself into Aidan’s apartment and leaves the dinner she brought with her on his kitchen counter. She finds him in his office, hunched over some paperwork.

“Hey,” she says to his back.

“Hey,” he replies, but doesn’t look at her.

“I brought us some dinner. Alfredo from Donatello’s. Extra parm on the side. Thought maybe you could take a break and eat with me?”

“I really have a lot of work to do.”

“You know, normally when you have a lot of work to do, you bring it home, and you do it while the kids and I sleep.”

“Yeah, I just really need to focus.”

“Can you look at me please?”

He puts down his pen and blue eyes filled with disappointment meet hers. “Yeah?”

“You know I didn’t fall the other day, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Care to tell me the truth?”

“Aidan. It’s for the best, really-”

“Is Eli downstairs? If not you should call him to pick you back up.”

“I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you want me to go?”

“I’m sorry if I don’t want to sit here and listen to your BS. You want to stand there and lie to my face? Fine. But I’m not going to placate you by listening to a word of what you have to say. Now, are we done here? I have work to do.”

“You know about Xavier. About the money he’s been extorting from me. About the money I gave him. You’re the reason he hasn’t come for me.”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“What?”

“How did you know?”

“When the doctor was talking to you about your fall I noticed things didn’t add up. So I talked to Eli, and he mentioned your little encounter with Xavier. Then I remembered in the hospital, in between one of your sedations, you mentioned how he took her and how I should tell Elliot. It didn’t make any sense at the time, but later I realized you were talking about him. Then I remembered how at first you wanted nothing to do with Hollister, but when I mentioned that I would give you the money I made off the sale of his company, suddenly you were interested. It was unlike you. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but I realize now that it was so you could pay him. I checked the activity on the account and, sure enough, you had taken out a million to pay him.” 

“You could be a detective in your next life. Look, I know I messed up. I lied to you, but it’s because I didn’t want my past to come back and haunt you. It was my mess. It was up to me to clean up.”

“Yes, but your mess put our kids in danger. He could have killed you and Kyle and still you said nothing! I mean, what kind of mother are you? How could you be so careless and irresponsible?”

“I was afraid I would lose you if I told you. I was afraid I would lose Kyle if I went to the police. I didn’t know what to do! I thought I could handle it on my own.”

“Yeah, well you couldn’t, which is why I ended up taking care of it.”

“How?” she eyes him suspiciously.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No. I want to know…Did you do something to him?”

“No.”

“Then what happened to him? Where is he?”

“Why do you care?”

“Just tell me.”

I'll never stop helping to pull you through…

“I paid him to leave the country and then when he did, I arranged to have him arrested for human trafficking, which he was guilty of,” he adds when he sees her about to cut in. “What? You thought local prostitution was all he dabbled in? There’s more money to be made internationally. You should know that.” 

“I do know that. I was a sex crimes detective for over ten years. I just didn’t know he was into all of that.”

“Yeah, you were probably too high to notice,” he mumbles to himself, yet loud enough for her to hear. He sends a quick text message on his phone and then turns to face her once again. “I just texted Eli to come pick you up. I have a lot of work to do.”

“So that’s it. We’re not going to talk about this anymore?”

“What is there left to say?”

“Forget it. Call me when you grow a pair and decide to handle this like an adult.”

*

It’s the middle of the night and all is still and quiet. Aidan slides his key into the lock and opens the door. He stops by Kyle’s room and tucks the covers around her a little bit tighter. With a kiss to her forehead, he leaves her room and heads into Shawn’s. The covers are twisted around him and his limbs are stretched to the four winds. Aidan smiles and untangles him and covers him back up. He threads his fingers through the baby’s golden curls. He kisses his forehead and heads on his way. 

He stands in her door way and watches her sleep. She breathes deep and even as she hugs his pillow close to her, he feels himself falling in love with her all over again. He shrugs off his blazer and climbs into bed beside her. His arms circle around her and she turns and snuggles into his warm embrace. 

I'll never stop breaking the law for you…

*

The next morning he wakes to find himself in bed alone. He gets up and goes through his morning ritual of using the bathroom and brushing his teeth and washing his face. He finds Olivia sitting around the kitchen table, papers strewn about.

“Hey,” he says and takes a seat beside her.

“Hey,” she replies.

“What are you working on?”

“The Fire and Ice Gala. Trying to get some things done before the kids wake up. Everyone we invited has already RSVP’d and people are calling everyday to get an invite. I wasn’t expecting this kind of turnout. I don’t know if everyone can even fit in the venue.” 

“Why wouldn’t you expect this kind of turn out? You’re my mysterious fiancé. Everyone wants to find out who you are and what you’re about, and I’m sure once this is over it’s going to be heralded as the event of the year. You watch. You’re going to have the same issue next year.”

“So I’m still your fiancé?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t you be?”

“You were pretty upset the last time we spoke.”

“That doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. Or that I don’t want to be with you anymore. I was just…very disappointed in you.”

“You should be. I’ve been thinking about it and you were right. I was so afraid that I might lose them that I put their lives in danger. I was a bad mom. Elliot was right to keep Kyle from me.”

“No. Don’t say that. I know you’re a great mom. There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for those kids. You made a mistake. We all make them, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.”

“I feel horrible.”

He takes her hand in his. “Don’t. You were scared. I’m sorry I yelled at you like that. It was unfair of me to judge you that way. I’m sure you were doing what you thought was best.”

“I just. I didn’t want to involve you in my problems. They’re not for you to worry about.”

“That’s just it. They are for me to worry about. Your problems are my problems and my problems are yours.” 

“Yeah, like you tell me about your problems.”

“I do. My problems just aren’t as serious as yours, but I tell them to you because I want to involve you in my life and I want you to do the same.”

“It’s just that…I feel like you’re always trying to fix me, and I don’t want to be this thing that you have to fix. I just want to be your wife.”

“Olivia, I’m not trying to fix you. I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t see the difference.”

“Olivia, when I met you…you were this…hurt…broken person. And it took me so long to get you to open up to me. To tell me your real name,” they both grin. “To show me who you really are. And you know? What happened? We finally had sex and you cried.” She laughs. “You bawled your eyes out. It was the first time I got to see the real you. It was the first time I got to see how much he had hurt you and you’re right. I wanted to fix that, because no person should ever be that much pain. Especially you. So I wasn’t trying to fix you per se. I just wanted you to be happy, because you deserve that. You deserve to be happy and I love you so I want to do that for you. But I love the person you are. There’s nothing about you that needs fixing.”

She’s smiles and blushes a bit. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” 

“You know I never meant to be that difficult.”

“Could have fooled me.”

She rolls her eyes and continues on. “It’s hard for me to let people in. I’ve always been independent and the one time I opened myself up-”

“But I’m not him, and I wish you could see that and stop treating me like I am him, because I’m not. I’m Aidan.”

“When a dog bites you, it’s only natural for you to fear other dogs. It takes time for you to realize they’re not all the same and that you need to give them another chance.” 

“Well, I’m honored that you’ve given me that chance. So, what do you think of Eli?”

“He’s not as bad as I thought he’d be.” She laughs to herself. “Your son likes to try and climb him every chance that he gets. He thinks he’s a tree or something.” She gazes at Aidan and the mystified look he has on his face. “What?”

“You called him my son.”

“Well, he is your son. Finalized the paperwork weeks ago.”

“I know, but you never referred to him as my son before. Wow. I have a son. I don’t know. It just hit me.”

“Welcome to parenthood.”

“Speaking of which,” she says when she hears her son’s cries float down the hall. “Your son is up, and I’m sure he has a full diaper just waiting for you.”

“Duty calls.” 

“It sure does.”

*

Olivia’s phone barks and she glances at the name on the caller ID and silently debates whether or not to answer it. She has a million things to do for this gala, two kids to raise, and a wedding to pretend she cares about, but she’s a parent first and foremost and part of being a parent is communicating with your child’s father no matter how much of an annoying ass he may be. “Yes, Elliot,” she answers. 

“Hey Liv, you have time to talk?”

“Not really. Can this wait?”

“No. I have a meeting with One PP about this case that’s going bad and I’ve been meaning to ask you about this for awhile now.”

“What is it?”

“Do you have any plans for Mother’s Day?”

“Umm. I’m not sure. I know Aidan is planning something, but I don’t know what and he likes to do things big.”

“You mean over the top.”

“Elliot, is there a point to this?”

“Casey wants to know if she can spend some time with Kyle. Apparently there’s this special tea party thing that she used to take Kyle to and was hoping she could take her this year.”

She freezes. “Let me get this straight. You want me to send Kyle to spend Mother’s Day with another woman on my first Mother’s Day back with her.”

“No, that’s not what-”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

“Olivia, Casey misses her.”

“I don’t give a fuck about how Casey feels.”

“Olivia, she was a mother to Kyle for three years.”

“You’re not helping your case right now.”

“She just wants to spend some time with her.”

“So she waits for Mother’s Day? It’s been months.”

“This is something she’s been doing with Kyle since she was two and they only do it on Mother’s Day. It’s sentimental to her and I think Kyle would like to see her, too.” 

She sighs. She’s thought about this before. Kyle had one mother ripped from her and replaced with another without any explanation just to have that mother ripped from her the same way. The last thing she wants is to psychologically damage her child, but she doesn’t want to confuse her either. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Can Casey call you to work all this out?”

“No. I need some time to think about this and I don’t need to be pressured. I have her number. I’ll contact her if I need to.”

“Thanks, Liv.”

“Yeah.”

*

“You look beautiful,” Aidan hums against her neck as she puts on the jewelry he bought her for Mother’s Day. The diamond tennis necklace go perfectly with her red dress.

“Thank you,” she smiles. 

He stands back and takes her in. Her hair is curled and pulled to the side. Her dress leaves little to the imagination. The dress dips low in the front, exposing the plane between her breasts and part of her stomach. There is no back to speak of and the two high splits in the front allow her to show her legs as she walks, while the top hugs her frame, highlighting her curves the bottom flows elegantly. “You’re missing something, I just can’t put my finger on it.”

“What?”

“Kyle, come here please.” Kyle runs into the room and Shawn toddles in behind her. 

“How do you think your Mom looks?”

“Mmmm. You look really pretty Mommy.”

“Thank you.”

“But you’re missing something,” Kyle says and taps her finger against her temple as she pretends to think about it.

“Oh, what’s that?”

“This!” she says and pulls out a long black velvet box from behind her back.

“Another present?” Olivia says surprised. Mother’s Day had turned into Mother’s Day weekend complete with shows, dinners, flowers, and jewelry. All in the comfort of their home, which had allowed her to work on the last minute details for her gala and still enjoy time with her children. The kids, Aidan, and even Eli had put on a show, complete with singing and dancing, as well as a play that she wasn’t sure was about, but it was cute to see everyone all dressed up. Aidan had hired a chef to make all their meals all weekend with the exception of breakfast, which he and the kids had handled by themselves and served her in bed two mornings in a row. She felt blessed and loved and happy to have a man and children that cared so much about her to pull out so many stops to make her happy.

“Happy Mother’s Day,” Kyle says and removes the diamond tennis bracelet from the box and fastens it to Olivia’s wrist. “Do you like it, Mommy? I picked it out and paid for it with my piggy bank money.” 

Olivia hugs her daughter and holds her close to her. “I love it. Thank you so much. Did you help too?” she asks Shawn who stands idly by, waiting for his hug and kiss. He nods and she happily obliges. 

“Now, you look perfect. It’s almost five so we have to go.”

“Is Melody here yet?”

“Yeah, she got here about twenty minutes ago. So what are we doing about Kyle? Is Casey picking her up or are we dropping her off?”

“She’s picking her up.”

The phone rings.

“That should be her right now.”

She’d given the issue a lot of thought and had decided with a definitive ‘no’ that she would not allow Kyle to see Casey, but had not felt completely okay with her decision. So instead she decided to ask Kyle and when the young girl admitted that she missed the other woman, but had been afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings, she knew what her decision had to be. So she decided to let Casey spend the evening of Mother’s Day with Kyle since she would be busy at the gala anyway. 

“Tell me I’m making the right decision,” she asks Aidan when he hangs up the phone.

He takes her hands in his and holds them reassuringly. “You’re being the bigger person here, so yes, you’re making the right decision. Now, I’m going to have Eli bring the car around and make sure Melody’s all set for the night. You should take a moment and then come out. I’ll let Casey in.”

Olivia gives herself one last once over in the mirror and then heads out to greet her unwanted guest. She walks in to see Casey’s arms wrapped around her daughter and she does her best to quiet down the panic that rises inside her. She’s made strides in her relationship with Kyle, she cannot let Casey’s presence make her forget the progress she’s made.

“Olivia,” Casey greets when she sees her. “Wow. You look amazing.”

“Thank you. Kyle, go grab your jacket and make sure you have everything in your back pack.” 

“Ok, Mommy” Kyle agrees and runs along to grab her spring jacket.

Olivia lifts a small Frozen themed duffle bag and hands it to Casey. “Everything she needs is in there,” she hands her a dress bag. “Here’s her uniform for tomorrow. She’s buying lunch at school, so all you have to worry about is breakfast.”

“Ok. Olivia, I just want to say thank you for doing this. I know it can’t be easy for you.”

“It’s not, but I know Kyle misses you. I figured a sleep over would make her happy.”

“I was hoping maybe we could be friends again. Meet up for coffee every now and then. Talk. Like we used to.”

“I’m sorry Casey, but I can’t be your friend. Not after everything that’s happened.”

“I know I made a mistake bu-”

“Casey, I’m not going to argue with you about this. The truth is I can never trust you again, and I need to be able to trust my friends.”

Kyle comes bouncing out of her bedroom. “Mommy, I’m ready.”

“Great.” Olivia bends down and gives Kyle a hug and kiss. “You be good, ok?”

“Ok.”

Olivia zips up her coat and pulls out her braided pigtails. “I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow, ok?”

“K.”

With one last hug, Olivia sends Kyle on her way and hopes that she’s making the right decision. That she isn’t sacrificing her place in her daughter’s life by being the bigger person, that she’s being a good mom by putting her daughter first. That she’s doing the right thing.

*

Olivia makes her way over to the bar and orders another glass of champagne. The gala  
has gone off without a hitch. People are enjoying the various performers around the room. Food and champagne are circulating. Donations are being made. There is still the minor issue of the guest list, which everyone in Manhattan seems to be ignoring. She’s had to turn people away at the door. Those that felt they were too rich and important to warrant being on a guest list. Those that tried to buy their way in. Those that simply demanded entrance. Those that pretended their names were on the list when they knew full well that it wasn’t. She’s turned all of them away. They’ve reached capacity and she doesn’t have the food or the space. She feels his arms circle around her waist and his warm champagne-filled breath on her neck and she smiles.

“Can I steal you away for a moment?” he asks and pulls her with him. 

She’s been pulled one way or another all night. If it wasn’t managing a problem at the door, it was talking up this donor or the other. Making speeches. Or simply dodging the prying questions of the nosey patrons wanting to know more about the woman who managed to pin down New York’s most eligible bachelor. This time, however, she doesn’t mind being pulled away.

He takes her hand and pulls her into a small secluded corner. “Have I told you how hot you look in this dress?” he asks and attaches his lips to the base of her neck.

“Yessss,” she hisses.

He lifts her unto a small end table and slides his hands up the opening left by the slits in her dress. “Let’s get out of here.”

“We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Mr. Founder. We’re hosting this thing.”

“We can jus sneak away. Nobody would notice.”

“They’ll notice. They’re probably looking for us now. Stop it!” she laughs when she feels his fingers dance near the edge of her panties. She pushes him back and slowly slides down the front of him to stand before him. “Give me an hour.”

“No.”

“Pleeeeease. I just need to talk to a few more people and things are winding down.”

He simply looks at her because they both know that she’s lying. Things are doing everything but winding down. “Go, but you’ll owe me later.”

“If you get Wentworth to make a donation I’ll owe you big later.”

“I’m holding you to that.” He watches her head back out to the party, the smile never leaving her face. He makes an attempt to re-situate himself in his pants before heading back out to the party.

“If I make a big donation, does that mean you’ll owe me?”

Aidan freezes at the voice and looks up to see that it does, in fact, belong to who he believes it does belong to.

“Rebekah.”

“Aidan.”

“What are you doing here? How did you even get in? You weren’t on the guest list.”

“Did you check to make sure I wouldn’t be?” When he doesn’t answer she sighs. “You know there isn’t a party in the city that I can’t get into.”

“I’m having security escort you out.”

“So that’s her. She seems nice. Kinda old though. You could do better.”

“Nothing’s better than the best, and I already have the very best.”

“I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you. I miss you.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“You know, despite what you may think, I did love you. I still do.”

“I guess we’ll never know. Look, I moved on. You should too.”

“I did. I’ve been seeing Mark Schoenberg for about two years now. I think he’s going to propose.”

“Congrats.”

“It’s just... I can’t stop thinking about you. How we ended.”

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think about you and us ending was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. If I married you, I would have never met Olivia and she makes me happier than I’ve ever been.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for you. Really. I am. I just wanted to apologize to you. For hurting you the way I did. I never wanted you to get hurt.”

“I should head back out to the party.”

“Wait.” Rebekah hands him a card. “Call me. Maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime.”

“No thanks,” he hands her back her card.

She takes it and slides it into his front pants pocket. “In case you change your mind.”

*

The next morning Olivia lays awake while Aidan sleeps beside her, his hand slung across her waist. Last night they had returned home in a flurry of kisses and emotions, high off of the success of the night. Drunk off of the many glasses of champagne. She’d been sure of it all until she wasn’t, and she hadn’t known how to tell him she’d changed her mind.

So she did it.

And never felt more ashamed after. 

It wasn’t that she feared him. No. Never that. It was that she loved him too much to let him settle for her. Someone that had been used and passed on by so many others. He deserved better. He deserved more than her, but she didn’t how to let him go. 

“Your mind is racing.”

She snaps out of her reverie to see Aidan’s blue eyes gazing lovingly at her. “Just a lot to do today.”

“Like what? You threw a successful ball-” 

“Gala-”

“Gala, whatever. You worked hard last night. We should just spend the day in bed.” He reaches for her and she slaps his hand away.

“Sorry,” she says immediately after.

“Olivia? Is there something wrong?”

“No. Um. I’m just going to hop in the shower.” She bunches up the sheet around her to hide her nudity.

“Olivia, wait. I knew you weren’t ready. I shouldn’t have-”

“You did nothing wrong.” She scurries to the bathroom and he follows after her, reaching the door just as it closes and locks in his face.

“Olivia!” he calls through the door.

She ignores Aidan’s calls and instead turns on the shower and hopes that the sound of the spray will drown out her sobs.

*

“Olivia! It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard such great things about you from Aidan.”

“Thanks. It’s really an honor to meet you. I never thought I’d ever meet Vera Wang, let alone have her personally design my wedding dress.”

She’s not quite sure why she’s here. Aidan had finally left her to lick her wounds in private and she’d gone to a meeting followed by an emergency therapy session. She’s been hesitant to express all of her feelings to her therapist for fear it may one day be used against her, but today was different. She didn’t know how to stop. Today had been a constant outpouring of emotions and fears and concerns and questions. None of it had been resolved, but she did leave feeling as if she had taken a step in the right direction.

“Well, come, let’s get started. Have you thought about any styles you might like?” She walks and Olivia follows along behind her

“No, not really.”

“Ok, well Aidan’s mentioned a couple things he’d like to see you in and I’ve made some designs based off of that.”

“Oh God. You’re going to put me in a sparkling sequin dress, aren’t you?”

Vera laughs. “He does like his bling, but no. I’ve taken his suggestions into consideration, but mostly I’ve been taking my cues from you.” 

“From me? How so?”

They come to her office and it’s full of warm light and comfy white couches. She sits when Vera motions for her to do so and Vera sits beside her. “Would you like anything to drink? Water? Coffee? Wine?”

“A glass of wine would be great.”

Vera places a quick call to her assistant before taking her seat beside Olivia. “Well, I’ve been watching you. You’ve become a person of interest in society and people have taken notice in what you’ve been wearing lately, including me. I came up with a few sketches based on what’s been in the papers, and then I saw you in that dress last night. What designer was that?”

“Versace.”

“Well, you looked great.”

“Wait, last night? I didn’t see you? I didn’t even see you on the list.”

“Yes, I got there late. I didn’t think I was going to make it at first, but caught an earlier flight from Milan and was able to attend, so I had Aidan sneak me in. He tried to introduce us, but I got called away before he could. I was only there about five minutes, but I was there long enough to see you in that dress and it inspired me.” She pulls a sketch out of the billfold that sits on the glass table in front of them. “I sketched this when I woke up this morning. What do you think?” 

Olivia takes in the sketch and she can see herself in it. She can see the way the material would caress her body and hug her every curve. 

“I think I’m going to add crystals to give it that bling factor that Aidan was looking for.”

She can Aidan’s eyes as she’s walking down the aisle. How they’d sparkle.

“I was going to make it a warm cream color. I think that would compliment your skin tone very well. Of course, it’s up to you what color we do. Even the style of the dress. We can tweak it here and there. It’s all up to you.” 

“It’s perfect. It’s all perfect.”

*

Olivia looks up from her Hunger Games book and smiles when she sees Aidan enter her bedroom. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replies and pulls his tie from around his neck.

“How was your day?”

“Ok. Long.”

“I saved you some dinner. It’s in the microwave.”

“I already ate.”

“Ok. I went to see Vera today. The dress she designed is beautiful. I think you’re really going to like it.”

“That’s great.”

“Is something wrong?”

“So, this is it? We’re just going to pretend like this morning never happened?”

“Aidan, let it go.”

“Let it go? I don’t know how to let it go! I can’t just act like nothing ever happened. I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine, when it’s so obvious it’s not!” 

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Well, it’s not just about you! Both of us are in this relationship! This doesn’t just affect you!”

“I know that!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t live like this! I can’t marry you like this!” 

“Fine!!! If you can’t marry me like this, then fine! Maybe I’m not the girl you should be marrying.” She pulls the engagement ring off of her finger and throws it at him, hitting him square in the chest. “Now Get Out!”

“Olivia-”

“LEAVE!” she yells. “Because I can’t take care of you too. I’m barely holding it together as it is. I have to take care of Shawn and Kyle. I have to keep it together for them! I’m going to therapy for you. I’m getting fitted for a dress I don’t want to wear for a wedding I don’t want to have for you. I’m moving for you. I can’t hold your hand and shoulder your feelings when I can barely handle my own. I’m this close to losing it altogether; I can’t risk losing my shit, because for some fucked up reason you want me to open myself up to you!”

When you're taking steps, but need to go faster…

Aidan picks up the ring off the floor and sits on the side of Olivia’s bed. “A few months ago you came home a mess. Your dress was torn, and what was left of it was covered in blood. I didn’t sleep for two nights because of that, and when I finally did I was plagued with dreams about you OD-ing in the bathroom with the needle you pretended to throw out. I wake up every two hours to check that you’re still sleeping next to me. When I go away on business all I do is count the hours until I can call you again. I’m so scared of losing you I can’t think straight, and you won’t talk to me. Last night was the first night I actually got some real sleep because I thought you were finally ok, but then I wake up and realize that you took ten steps back while I slept. I don’t know what you talk about in therapy so I don’t know if you’re talking about what happened that night. Or what’s happened in the past. All I know is that you won’t talk to me. I keep doing things wrong and I don’t know what and you won’t tell me. I mean, I’m going out of my mind here! I’m reading books that tell me nothing. Googling things I think might help. Did you know that I started seeing a therapist too? Because you won’t talk to me and it scares the shit out of me that you might be holding something in that will lead to me finding you passed out in our bathroom with a needle in your arm. I’m not asking you to take care me. I’m asking you to help me take care of you, because I don’t know how.”

Olivia slides from her position on the bed to sit beside him. “I threw that needle out months ago…Aidan, I’m making progress, I’m just doing it on my own. It has to be something that I do on my own. I go to my NA meetings and I won’t lie to you, the urge does hit me at least once a day. I’m an addict. I’m always going to be an addict there’s no changing that. If that’s something you can’t live with then you need to find someone else. I don’t talk to you because…it’s embarrassing for me to tell you everything that I’m feeling and it’s not how I want you to see me. I want to be the woman you’re in love with and I’m afraid you might start to see me as broken. That’s not what I want to be to you. What I love about you and what we have is that it’s so new and fresh. You don’t really know the old me and what I’ve been through, and you see me as Me and not a victim. I don’t want to taint that. A lot of times I don’t even feel worthy of you. You love me so much and I don’t know why.” 

We can speed through streets so the shadows can't catch up…

“You’re a beautiful, amazing woman. What’s not to love?”

“ A lot. Aidan, I think we need some time apart.”

“You’re breaking up with me?”

“No, but you need to think long and hard if you really want to be with me, because I can’t change who I am for you and I won’t. I’m trying to work through my issues, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be the woman you want me to be. You need to think if you really want to be with me.”

“No. I don’t. Olivia, you’re exactly who I want you to be. You’re my home. There’s no place I’d rather be. I just don’t want you to be in pain.”

I'll never stop breaking the law for you…


	17. Royal Engagements

Chapter 17-Engagements

The days pass and become weeks. Weeks turn into months and months turn into lost fragments of time. The summer had been a series of birthday parties and cook outs. Long days spent on the beach. Late nights roasting marshmallows and staring at the stars. There were romantic evenings filled with too much wine, expensive dinners, and dancing. Other evenings filled with heated arguments over meaningless issues that threatened to tear them apart. Still there were more filled with movies, video games, and laughter. Fall returned with brisk temperatures and brightly colored leaves, new backpacks filled with crayons, notebooks, homework, and monthly lunch menus. A new sense of normalcy ensued. 

“Eat the rest of your broccoli,” Olivia tells Kyle.

“But Mommy I don’t like it,” Kyle whines. 

“Listen to your Mom, Ky,” Aidan chimes in. “Besides, if I have to eat it, so do you.”

“Gee, thanks for the resounding bout of support,” Olivia deadpans.

“Glad I can help, Sweetie,” he grins, and his smile is so infectious that she can’t help but smile back.

“That must be your dad,” Olivia says when there’s a knock at the door. 

“Yessss!” Kyle celebrates.

“Saved by the knock. Go put your plate in the sink and grab your things,” Aidan instructs.

“Ok!” Kyle says excitedly, happy that she no longer has to eat the unsavory vegetable and excited to spend the night with her father.

“I’m going to give this little one a bath,” Aidan says and lifts the broccoli covered baby out of his high chair.

Olivia opens the door. “Hey.”

“Hey. Kyle ready?”

“She’s just grabbing her things. We were just eating dinner.”

“Oh. Sorry to interrupt. Happy belated birthday, by the way.”

“Oh, um. Thanks.”

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a long black velvet box. “I got this for you.”

“Oh Elliot, no. I couldn’t,” she tries to push the gift back.

“No. Take it. Please, I really want you to have it.” 

“Why?”

“Open it.”

“Elliot I-”

“Please?”

She sighs and undoes the white ribbon. It’s a gold necklace with a familiar pendant. “Elliot…”

“I know what giving yours to Kyle meant, and thought maybe it would be something nice that you two could share. I don’t know,” he shrugs. “If you don’t like it I can always take it back.”

“No. This is great Elliot. This is amazing. Can you help me put it on?”

“Sure.” He removes the necklace from its box and loops it around her neck. She pulls her hair to the side and he fastens it around her neck. His fingers gently brush against the soft skin of her neck as he works the clasp of the necklace. He pauses and eyes the long column of her neck and there is nothing more that he wants than to lay his lips there. The smell of her is intoxicating. A mix of her shampoo, perfume, and something that is uniquely her. It takes him back. He remembers early mornings when he would wake her by kissing this exact spot. He remembers the way she would moan beneath him as he slid inside her. He remembers how the vibrations from her laughter would tickle his lips and there is nothing more that he would want than to-

Shawn’s high pitched scream interrupts them and both turn to see the naked one year old streak past them, with Aidan hot on his heels. He pauses when he sees them.

“Need some help?” Aidan asks and eyes Elliot.

“No, I almost got it.” He secures the clasp. “There.”

“Thank you,” she tells him. She hugs him and kisses his cheek.

“Daddy, I’m ready!” Kyle tells him as she walks up to him.

“Well, let’s go! Give your mom a hug and kiss goodbye.”

She does as she’s instructed. “I love you, Mommy.”

“Love you too, baby. Have a good night. I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow.”

“Ok. Bye Aidan.”

“Bye Sweetheart,” he waves and waits until Olivia closes the door. “So your birthday just passed.”

“Aidan.”

“When was it?”

“The twentieth.”

“Hmm. See, that’s funny, because I remember you telling me that your birthday was January ninth. Not October twentieth.”

“Ai, just let this one go.”

“No. We’re engaged and I don’t even know your real birthday? Why would you lie about that?” He scoops up Shawn and carries him back to the bathroom and sets him in the tub. He dumps in the basket full of Shawn’s bath time toys and proceeds to play with him. He choses a small boat and pushes it through the water, complete with all the appropriate sounds, much to the baby’s delight.

“My birthday isn’t something that I like to celebrate,” Olivia says from the doorway.

“Why not? Everyone likes celebrating their birthday.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

Olivia comes in and sits on the edge of the tub. “Because my birthday has never been a joyous occasion. It’s always been the day that my mother took off so that she could drink herself into oblivion, because it’s the day the permanent reminder of the worst day of her life came to life. She always told me my birthday was the second worst day of her life, and I never forgot that. So no. My birthday isn’t a day that I particularly like to celebrate.”

“Well, I want to celebrate it.”

“Why? Why not leave well enough alone?”

“Because your birthday is a special day. It’s the day you were born.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

He kneels before her and secures his arms around her waist. “No. You don’t get it. It’s the day you were born. It’s the day you, the love of my life, took your first breath. If that never happened, if you were never born, I wouldn’t have Shawn or Kyle or you. I wouldn’t have anyone to love.” 

“Aidan, you would find-”

“No. Not as much as I love you. I have never and will never love anyone the way that I love you. You were meant to be and so were we. Your conception may not have been the greatest, but I’m glad you’re here and that’s worth celebrating,” he kisses her forehead and rests his against hers. “You are worth celebrating.” They jump apart when a wave of water hits them. Shawn giggles and continues to splash, his blue eyes sparkling with glee. “This is worth celebrating.”

*

Olivia looks up from her book when the door opens and Aidan steps through. “Hey,” she says with a smile. 

“Hey,” he leans down and kisses her hello. “What are you reading now?”

“1984.”

“Oh, that’s a good one. I wish I had time to read.”

“You could read instead of playing video games.”

He smirks. “Not when I’m one mission away from beating Call of Duty, I can’t. Where’s Melody?”

“Oh she put Shawn and Kyle down about an hour ago so I sent her home. You hungry? I saved you a plate.”

“What did you guys have?”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.”

“Kyle must have been on cloud 9.”

“Cleaned her plate and asked for more. I thought you were going to join us. You said you were leaving work awhile ago.”

“Yeah, I had to meet Lorraine Schwartz to talk about our wedding bands and to pick up…” he pulls a long dark blue velvet box from his pocket. “This. Happy Birthday, Livia.”

“Aidan. You didn’t have to…”

“I wanted to.”

“Thanks.” She opens the box to reveal a thin white gold chain with a floating pink diamond in the center.

“You like?”

“Yeah. It’s gorgeous. Thank you,” she says and kisses him on the cheek.

“Here, let me help you put it on.”

“No. Let’s wait for an event or something special.”

“Why? I got it so you could wear it all the time.”

“Aidan.”

“So you’ll wear his necklace, but you won’t wear mine?”

“Is that why you bought me this? As some kind of one up on Elliot?”

“No, I-I…I’m guilty. I wanted you to like my gift more than his. So shoot me.”

She smiles. She likes it when he’s jealous. “Look at this pendant. It says Fearlessness. It’s a replica of the necklace my mother gave me.”

“What?”

“My mother didn’t want me to become a cop. She didn’t want me to fight her battles for her, but I felt I owed it to her to find her rapist and bring him to justice if possible. When I finally made detective and joined SVU she gave me the necklace. She told me to be fearless and to never let anything hold me back. I thought nothing of it until years later when I found it in my things. I wore it every day until the day I gave it to Kyle. Did you notice she wears the same one? I thought it would be the last time that I saw her and I wanted her to have something that was a part of me. More than that I wanted her to be fearless and to never let anything hold her back. I told her that when I gave it to her. Elliot knows what that necklace meant to me and what it meant for me to give it to her. I don’t wear it because he gave it to me. I wear it because of what it represents and it’s something that I share with my daughter.” 

“I noticed it was like Kyle’s, but I had no clue what it meant. I’m sorry I tried to replace it.”

“It’s ok. You didn’t know.”

“I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Aidan,” she watches him stand and walk towards her room.

“I get it. Everything’s fine.”

She watches him disappear around the corner and knows that everything is definitely Not Fine.

*

“Happy birthday to you,” everyone sings as both Olivia and Aidan stand in front of a cake lit with more candles than either is willing to count. They are surrounded by their closest friends, which includes Melinda and her family, Kathy and her boyfriend, Kevin, Aidan’s secretary, EJ, along with his Japanese business partner, Haun. Melinda and Kathy divvy up the cake and ice cream while Olivia goes around with the wine.

Later on in the evening Olivia decides to make her rounds. She excuses herself from her conversation with Kathy and Melinda and walks around the apartment. The kids are having fun playing Fruit Ninja on the X-box in the living room while the adults corral themselves in the kitchen and dinning room. Kevin, Michael, and Haun stand in the kitchen, drinking beer while they debate on whether the latest iPhone is better than the new Galaxy. Shawn is already tucked into bed and dreaming the night away; however, Aidan is nowhere to be found. She grabs a slice of cake and heads to where she thinks he is. Sure enough, he sits by his building’s rooftop pool, a cigar in hand headphones in his ears. 

“If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world…” he sings along.

The night is cold. The pool has been covered in preparation for the season’s upcoming winter and she wishes she had put on a sweater or something before she came out here. She pulls out one of his headphones.

“Aren’t you cold?” she asks.

“No. I’m fine.”

“I brought you a piece of cake.”

“Thanks,” he says and takes the cake from her and places it on the table beside him.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. Why?”

“Because we have a whole bunch of people here to celebrate your birthday and you’re up here smoking by yourself.”

“Yeah. It’s my birthday and I wanted to have a cigar to celebrate. Didn’t want to smoke it in the apartment with everyone there, you know?”

“Yeah I know. I also know that that’s not the only reason you’re up here.”

“I just want to think.”

“Think about what?”

“Us.”

“What about us?”

“I don’t know. It just hit me upstairs that we were singing happy birthday to you tonight because you had kept your birthday a secret. I wanted to marry you five months ago and if I had gotten my way I would have married a woman whose birthday I didn’t even know. I mean, is there anything else I don’t know about you? It’s like the longer we’re together, the farther we seem to drift apart. Do you not feel it?”

I don't quite know… How to say… How I feel…

“I don’t know, Aidan. Sometimes I feel like we’re ok. Other times I think you’re mad at me because I can’t be the woman you fell in love with.”

“Sometimes I think the woman I fell in love with was just an illusion that fades away the more I get to know you.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to marry me?”

“I honestly don’t know, but I know I love you. That has to count for something.”

Those three words. Are said too much. They're not enough…

“It does, but it’s not enough.”

He takes a drag from his cigar. “Do you remember when you showed me how to blow rings?”

“Yeah. It’s the night you won that company in a poker game.” 

“I always meant to ask you where you learned to do that.” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” She shivers from the cold and shifts around to generate some heat.

“Here.” He takes her hand and pulls her to sit with him. He wraps his arms around her and she settles into his warmth. 

“So where did you learn that?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.”

“I don’t want to shatter what’s left of your illusion.”

“Tell me.”

“Fine. He was one of my first regulars. Before I met Xavier. After we were done he would smoke a joint. He liked to play around with the smoke. Make rings and stuff. He showed me.”

“Does this mean you can do more than blow rings?”

“Yes.”

“Show me.”

“Aidan, seriously,” she looks up at him and his eyes meet hers. 

He remembers them the first time they met.

All that I am. All that I ever was. Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see…

They were filled with annoyance and distain. That gradually changed to amusement, glee, and, eventually, love. Tonight they are filled with fear and uncertainty.

“I’m here, aren’t I?

“Yeah, but-”

“I’m here. This is where I want to be.”

“Aidan?”

“Just lay here with me.”

If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

“Aidan, do you think that maybe we shouldn’t get married?”

“What? Are you saying that you don’t want to marry me?” 

“No. Well, not exactly.”

“Well then what, exactly?”

“I just feel like ever since we decided to get married things have been going downhill for us. Before we got engaged we were happy. We didn’t fight half as much as we do now and we were a lot more stable than we are now. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper. Why do we even need it?”

“Because to me it’s not just a piece of paper. Marriage is very important to me, Olivia. It’s a sacred union between two people in love. It’s me committing my life to you and you committing yours to me. It’s us agreeing to be together and to love each other, through it all, no matter what. It’s not just a piece of paper, but if that’s how you feel then maybe you’re right. We shouldn’t be getting married. Not if this is more important to me than it is to you, and it sounds like it is.”

“I don’t know if that’s true.” 

“Yeah, but you don’t look like you know if it’s not, either.”

*

“Is she still up?” Elliot asks when Olivia opens the door.

“Sorry. She knocked out about ten minutes ago. She tried to stay up, but just couldn’t keep her eyes open.”

“Aww. I was really hoping to catch her before she went down, but the paperwork is never ending.”

“I remember,” Olivia says as she walks away leaving the door open for Elliot to follow.

“I tell you, I don’t know how Cragen did it. I feel like I spend half my day herding cats and the other half filling out paperwork. I swear it’s like double what we had when we were partners,” he says as he follows her into the kitchen.

“Yeah, that’s probably because I used to do most of your paperwork.”

“You did not.”

“Please Elliot, if it wasn’t for me, your kids would have forgotten what you look like. Either that or I would have spent most of my time visiting you in jail for being held in contempt of court.” She reaches into the fridge and passes him a beer. He uses her counter to pop the top off.

“So that’s how you learned to forge my signature.”

She uses the same maneuver to open hers and takes a sip. “Came in handy when we were married.”

“Speaking of marriage. Where’s the fiancé?”

“He’s handling some business in California. Should be back in a couple days.”

“Big day’s coming up. You ready?”

“I guess.”

Over the past few months they’ve gone through the motions. They’re registered at Barney’s and Bloomingdales. Tasted more cake combinations than should ever be allowed to exist. She’s had dress fitting after dress fitting, and Vera has warned her not to gain or lose a pound. Their wedding planner is now at the top of her “favorites” list on her iPhone and the woman calls her everyday to ask her some stupid question about some meaningless detail she Does Not Care About. In the end, she forwards all questions to Aidan, and really when she thinks about it she has no clue what’s going on with this wedding. Despite all their planning, there is still something not quite right between them. It’s as if they’re dancing around the elephant in their relationship that seems to grow bigger and bigger everyday, but neither can see it. She’s worried that it’s going to get too big to ignore, and by the time they realize it, it will be too late.

“You guess? That doesn’t sound too reassuring for someone that’s walking down the aisle in six weeks. Everything ok?”

“How did you know you were ready for marriage?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. How did you know?”

“I didn’t. One minute we’re joking about getting married on the beach and the next thing I know we’re standing on the beach saying ‘I do.’”

“Are you saying you didn’t want to get married?”

“No. I’m not saying that. I wouldn’t have married you if I wasn’t sure.”

“But now you’re not?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m feeling. Just tell me what made you ready.”

“I don’t know. With Kathy we were young, we had a baby on the way, and we were Catholic. We had to get married. With you…I just knew it was going to happen eventually. So when Maureen brought it up that day I just thought why the hell not? You know? The kids were there. The setting was perfect. It seemed like the right time.” 

“You knew it was going to happen?”

“Yeah. I was just waiting for the proper amount of time to pass, but I had every intention of asking you at some point.” 

“So you were just ready the whole time?”

“I guess you could say that. Do you think you’re not ready?”

“Part of me feels like I am, but I’m not sure if I can be the wife he needs me to be.”

“What do you mean? Is this about the assault?”

“Partly.”

“He’s not trying to force you into anything is he?”

“No. He’s not. He’s been incredibly understanding. Maybe too understanding.”

“What does that mean?” 

She shrugs. “I don’t want to get into it too much. I’m just worried that he thinks that once we’re married everything will go back to how it was before the assault and I don’t know if I can be that woman again. I don’t think I am that woman anymore.”

“Olivia, just be you. If he can’t love who you are, then you’re just not meant to be. You’re an amazing person. There’s a lot more to you than just sex.”

“It’s not just about sex. It’s about me, and who I am now, and I’m not the same woman he proposed to a year ago.”

“I know, and I’m sure he knows that too.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if thinks us saying ‘I do’ is some magical way of making me better?”

“Then he’s a fool, and if he lets you go because of this, then he’s an even bigger fool than I think he is. And I should know. Letting you go was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Thanks.” She avoids his eyes because they’ve accidentally crossed a line, and if she looks at him, then she’ll see the man she married at sunset on a beach in Hawaii. The husband that took her years to let go. “It’s late. You should probably get going.”

“Yeah. Thanks for the beer.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

“Kyle all set to go?”

“Yeah. Her coat and everything is in the living room.”

He nods and disappears around the corner to get their child. As she watches him, she can’t help but wonder if she’s really making the right choice. She can see a future with Aidan. One filled with love and laughter and anything else her heart may desire, but there’s something about Elliot. She knows him. Inside and out, and he knows her about the same. There’s a bond there she can’t quite explain or begin to understand. One formed from years by his side. On the streets and in his bed. Long nights pouring over case files, others making love. He was her blood and she was his. He had her back and she had his. She would take a bullet for him and he would for her, and as if that wasn’t enough, their bond was further strengthened by the birth of their daughter. She has yet to share a bond like that with anybody else, not even Aidan. 

Aidan. 

After her divorce from Elliot, she never thought she would love again, and then she met Aidan. She fell in love with him without even knowing. It’s a love that seems to transcend everything she believes in. He brings out the best in her and the beauty of his spirit overwhelms her on a daily basis. He makes her happy. Happier than she’s ever been in her life. He loves her. He loves her children and there’s a connection there that she cannot deny. He’s like a drug in her system and she can’t seem to get enough of him, but is he the one? She doubts him on a daily basis and she can’t shake the feeling that maybe they’re not meant to be together forever, but simply right now, because she loves him right now and she wants to be with him right now. At the same time she knows she can love Elliot right now and be with Elliot right now, but she’s unsure if she can trust him. Should she take two steps forward? Or two steps back?

*

It’s the night before the wedding and they are surrounded by their wedding party. A group of friends that they have come to know as family. They’ve reserved a small section of the Oak Room at the Plaza and have enjoyed a night full of great food, laughter, and alcohol. Aidan stands and raises his champagne glass.

“Olivia and I would like to thank you all for coming out tonight and for being willing to celebrate with us. We hope you all enjoy your gifts, and if you don’t like the color of your iPhone, let me know and I’d be happy to get it exchanged.” 

“They’re great,” Kathy chimes in and everyone nods in agreement.

“Good. So, I know it’s been a long journey here. A lot of ups and a lot of downs, but here we are. Not so long ago, in the first few weeks when Olivia and I first started dating, I actually rented out this room. Had it completely lit with candles. Had a great dinner planned and a limo and everything, and Olivia wanted nothing of it. Quite frankly, she couldn’t care less. That was the night we had our first fight and first breakup. The first of many, I’m ashamed to say, and I’m sure not the last. Fight, that is. In fact, not too long ago Livia and I got into a fight over our wedding vows. I thought we should write our own vows and she didn’t and I couldn’t understand why. I mean, it’s the thing to do at weddings now. Turns out she wanted to exchange traditional vows, and when she explained why, I admit I felt like an asshole for picking a fight over it. So tomorrow we will be exchanging traditional vows, but I still wanted to say my own, and I think this is the best time to do it.” He turns his attention to her and captures her gaze with his. 

“Olivia, you always ask me, how can I love you, and I always think, how can I not? Some nights I roll over in bed and I see you sleeping beside me and I think, how did I get so lucky? Olivia, I love you because you are everything good and right in the world. You are so kind and loving. You call me on my shit. You never let me win at anything. You bring out the best in me and you make me happy. Most importantly, I know you love me. You’ve accepted me for who I am. Flaws and all, and I know it hasn’t been easy. I think I first realized you loved me when you let me have your last chicken wing. For those of you that don’t know, Olivia doesn’t share food. She either lets you have what she doesn’t want or she trades with you for something of greater or equal value, so when she offered me that chicken wing, I knew it was a true symbol of her love.” Their party laughs, along with some of the other patrons in the restaurant. 

“Seriously though, I appreciate you and all that you’ve given me and all that you’ve done for me. Especially when you decided to share your son with me and allowed me to be his father. It was not lost on me what it meant to you and the trust you put in me when you decided to share him with me, and I promise to never betray that trust. I vow to you more than for better or worse. More than in sickness and health, and hope that it is death that does us part, but not for a long time, because I want birthdays and Christmases and other holidays. Especially birthdays. First days of school and graduations. I want more anniversaries than I can remember, and I want it all with you. I love you Olivia Benson, and I am so happy and blessed to have you as my wife.” 

Olivia stands and wraps her arms around him. She kisses him like no one is watching, because in this moment, no one else matters. 

*

Aidan finishes the rest of his chocolate cheesecake and excuses himself to the restroom. He heads down the elegant halls and into the corridor that holds the bathrooms. He takes care of business, but upon exiting he stops cold in his tracks.

“Rebekah, what are you doing here?”

“I told you that there wasn’t a party that I couldn’t get into. That was a nice speech you made in there.”  
“Seriously, this isn’t the time or the place.”

“I’m sorry, but I had to talk to you.”

“Talk to me about what?”

“I’m still in love with you.”

I can't forget it, though I've tried…

“Bekah, no.” 

“I made a mistake. I admit my motives the first time weren’t genuine, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t love you.”

“You really think that I would trust you after that?”

I know you regret it, love, you told me so many times…

“No, but I think you still love me. These past few weeks have shown that. I can give you everything she can and so much more. I just need a chance.”

But I still wonder, Why, You left with her. And left me behind…

“No, you need to get out of here. If Olivia sees you-”

“What? She’ll see that everything I’m saying is true?”

“It’s not-” he’s cut off by her kiss. Her lips on his bring back memories. Both painful and pleasant, but not worth the sacrifice. A throat clears and they both break apart and the blood drains from his face when he sees Olivia. 

Take your hands off him! 'Cause he's the only one that I have ever loved…

“Umm. Everyone’s ready to go, I thought maybe you’d want to umm. Never mind,” she says and turns on her heels to head back to their guests. 

“Olivia, wait!” Aidan calls and rushes after her.

She pauses in the hallway and braces herself against the wall as she tries to catch her breath. She feels his hands on her shoulders and shrugs away his touch. “Don’t touch me!”

And please don't find her skin. When you turn the lights out…

“Olivia, it’s not what you think.”

“Yeah? Then what the hell was that?!”

“She just came here to try and get back with me, but I told her that I wanted to be with you. I only want to be with you.”

“Really, so what was up with the kissing?”

“A last ditch effort.” 

“How did she know we would be here? Why would she come here after all of this time?”

“She thought there was still a chance, but there isn’t.”

“Yes, but there’s something you’re not telling me. Something’s not adding up.” 

“Ok. I saw her at the Fire and Ice Ball.”

“What? She wasn’t on the guest list.”

“She’s a socialite. She came with another guest. They weren’t going to deny her entry. After I saw her there we met a few times for coffee. Lunch here and there. Just to catch up. Just as friends.”

Did she make your heart beat faster than I could? Did she give you what you hoped for?

“Did you sleep with her?”

“No. Never. I would never do that to you.”

“No, you’d just sneak around with her behind my back and then bring her to our rehearsal dinner.”

“I didn’t bring her here.” She turns away from him and heads back down the hall. “Olivia, wait. You’re not going to call off the wedding are you?” He asks as he rushes beside her.

“You don’t think I’m going to marry you after that, do you?”

“Olivia, you can’t! What about all of our guests? Not to mention the money we spent?”

“Well, if I recall I wanted a small wedding. You’re the one who decided to invite two hundred people. Wait, that’s what you’re worried about? Being embarrassed in front of all your friends.”

“No! I’m worried about losing the love of my life!”

“Then I guess you should have thought about her before you decided to start hanging out with your ex-girlfriend.”

She heads back into the dinning room and they put on a good show as they say goodbye to their guests. The men and women split and prepare to head up to their rooms and Aidan pulls her aside.

“Don’t. Do. This.”

“Aidan, leave me alone.”

“Olivia, think about everything I just said in that restaurant. You think I would say all that and go through all of this if I didn’t mean it? Think about everything we’ve been through and how happy we make each other. Are you really willing to just let all of that go?”

“I need time to think. Goodnight Aidan,” she kisses his cheek then heads onto the elevator that Melinda’s been holding.

*

The next morning Olivia lays awake staring up at the ceiling and listens to the murmurs going on outside her bedroom door. She supposes that her suite mates are up and wondering why she isn’t too.

“Is she coming out?” she can hear one voice say.

“I don’t know, but they’re setting up for hair and makeup now, and she hasn’t even showered yet.” 

“Well, what should we do? Should we wake her? Should we start getting ready? We don’t have much time before we have to leave for the venue.”

“I’ll talk to her,” a definitive voice says and she recognizes it as Melinda’s. There’s a knock on her door and moments later Melinda enters and closes it behind her.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she whispers back.

“I don’t if you’ve forgotten, but you’re supposed to be getting married today.” 

“Right now I don’t know if I am getting married, so…”

“Yeah, Aidan told me about what happened last night.”

“He didn’t.”

“He did. He called me at three in the morning because you weren’t answering his calls, and he’s been texting me all morning.”

“Yeah, I had to turn my phone off too.” She sits up and faces Melinda.

“You shouldn’t be turning your phone off. You should be talking to him.”

“Talking to him about what? About how he’s still in love with his ex-girlfriend?”

“He never said that.”

“Yeah, you didn’t see that kiss last night.”

I can't erase it from my mind. I just replay it, love. Think of it all of the time.

“Olivia, what is this really about, because I highly doubt it was that kiss.”

“Lately I’ve been wondering if I was making the right decision. Getting married again. To Aidan.”

“Are you saying you’re still in love with Elliot?”

“No, but… I do think I still have feelings for him.”

“You think you have feelings for him?”

“I don’t know Mel!” She says in exasperation then flops back against her pillows.

Melinda grabs Olivia’s hands and pulls her up to face her. “What do you know?”

“I know that I know Elliot, and I’m safe with him.” 

“Do you recall how that ended. Let me tell ya, it wasn’t pretty. I think you’re afraid.”

“Yes. I am afraid. I don’t want another divorce. I don’t think I could survive it.”

Why can't I get it right on the first or the second time. Will the third be a wasted life…

“Olivia, he isn’t Elliot, even if you do divorce I think it would be a lot more amicable.”

“But I love him so much Mel. The thought alone of going through that.”

“So you would give up everything you have now, because it might end in divorce later?”

“Melinda you don’t understand. I put so much of myself into my marriage with Elliot, and when he just gave up on me like that. It killed me. I felt like maybe I would have been better off if I had just given up in the very beginning. Aidan loved Rebekah, and had he come in on her conversation about marrying him for money a few seconds later, we wouldn’t be here right now.” 

“Honey, when he knew it doesn’t change the fact that she was only marrying him for the money, which means it probably would have ended the same way. You’re about to do to Aidan what Elliot did to you. He’s out there being annoying as hell, but he’s fighting for you because he wants to marry you. Think about what he said to you last night. Do you think those were the words of a man that is in love with another woman? What you have now is a case of cold feet. Pure and simple. You’ve been through this before, so yes it’s scary, but this time is different. Aidan is different. You can’t punish him for the mistakes that Elliot made.”

“But he lied to me. He’s been meeting with her for weeks. Maybe even months.”

“Olivia, do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?”

“You know I do.”

“Then you need to marry him.”

“Mel, it’s not that simple.”

Should we try again? And smile again? Hold our breath and pray. Should we leap in faith?...

“Olivia, I get it. You’re scared and I understand why, but don’t let your fear get in the way of your happiness. Now, I have two teenage daughters out there that you promised professional hair and makeup to. Are you going to kill their teenage hopes and dreams, or are we going to do this?”

She thinks hard about it. 

It is for love…

She loves him; there is no doubt about that, and he loves her; she knows that as well.

It is for love…

But does he love this other woman? Is he meant to be with her? She looks at her phone. Another text comes in and it’s him telling her that he loves her, and that he’s sorry, and she realizes he’s fighting for her. Like he’s fought for her so many times before.

That we try... and that we pray…

She thinks about the life they’ve planned. The apartment they’ve purchased. The house they’ve built, and she deserves it. She’s been though so much in her life and she deserves someone like him.

It is for love…

She deserves summer nights on that porch, on that swing, sipping lemonade. She deserves snowy mornings making snow angels, building snowmen, and having snowball fights. 

It is for love…

She deserves Christmases and Thanksgivings. Birthdays and anniversaries. She deserves late nights of making love to him and early mornings of him making love to her. She deserves to be happy. She deserves him. She deserves to be his wife. 

Olivia smiles. “Tell them to get started while I hop in the shower.” 

That we try... and that we pray…

*

Olivia eyes herself in the mirror as Vera finishes primping her dress. She’s tried it on a million times, but today it looks like a completely different dress. Today it fits like a glove. Today it hugs her in all the right places. Today the amount of bling doesn’t disgust her. Today it’s just enough to make the dress stand out and make Aidan happy without turning her off altogether. Today the train is long and dramatic and she likes it. 

“You look amazing,” Kathy comments.

“Thank you,” Olivia smiles. “Vera, thank you so much.”

“I’m adding this to next year’s spring collection and you’re modeling it for me.”

“No. I’m not a model,” Olivia shakes her head.

“No one’s a model until they take their first professional picture. We’ll talk. Now, my work here is done. I’m going to go grab my seat. Congratulations Olivia.” 

“Thank you,” they watch her leave and Melinda comes up to her carrying a bag.

“Aidan sent this. It’s your something borrowed.”

She opens the bag and pulls out a black velvet box. A small card is taped to it. 

Something borrowed from Lorraine Swartz. So don’t lose it. 

Love,

Aidan.

She opens the box to reveal a diamond necklace with matching earrings. The elaborate design matches the headpiece in her hair that she had commissioned to match the flowers on her dress. 

“Oh wow,” she breathes.

“Here, let me help you,” Kathy offers.

“We also have gifts,” Melinda begins and reaches into her bag. “This is the garter I wore when I married Michael. It’s your something old and your something blue.”

“Thanks. You do realize you’re going to have help me get this on right?”

Melinda rolls her eyes. “We’ll figure it out.”

“I have a hair pin that my mother gave to me before she died. She wore it on her wedding day and she was married to my father for sixty-two years. It was supposed to be your something old and borrowed, but Aidan covered that, so now it’s just your something old,” Kathy says.

“Thank you, Kathy. I’ll make sure to have this back to you by the end of the night.”

“And for your something new we all chipped in and got you this bracelet.” 

“You guys,” her eyes well up. “You’re going to make me ruin my makeup.” 

“You deserve this, Olivia,” Kathy says. 

“Thank you.”

The women go to work on helping Olivia add the final touches. “Has Elliot brought Kyle by?”

“No, not yet, but he’s on his way. Why wasn’t she here?”

“He’s had a tough case load the past couple weeks. Hasn’t seen her since last month. He finally had time last night so I just let him have her. She misses him. She’s a daddy’s girl.”

There’s a knock on the door followed by an “Are we all set in here?” the wedding planner asks.

“Yes, but my daughter hasn’t arrived yet.”

“She’s here. She’s with your sister in law and the other children.”

“Well, have you seen her? Is she dressed correctly?”

“Yes. She looks gorgeous!”

Olivia looks waywardly at Melinda. “I’m on it,” she responds.

“I need everyone in position in two. We’re set to begin in five minutes.”

“Ok. I just need another minute,” Olivia replies.

“You need me to stay?” Kathy asks.

“No. I’m fine. I just need a minute.” 

“Ok.” 

Kathy leaves her and she’s left in the room all by herself. She looks at herself in the mirror again and debates on whether she now has on too much bling with the added jewelry. It’s too late now, so she instead pulls on long crème colored gloves that match her dress. She pulls out the tennis bracelet Kathy and Melinda just gave her and is in the middle of fiddling with the clasp when there’s a knock on the door.

“I’m coming,” she calls back. 

“Hey.”

She looks up at the familiar voice and smiles when she sees Elliot enter through the door. “Hey,” she replies back. “Can you help me with this?”

“Wow. You look beautiful, Liv.”

“Really? You don’t think it’s too much?”

“No. No it’s perfect. You look perfect.” He attaches the bracelet to her gloved covered wrist. “Didn’t Kyle get you this for Mother’s Day?”

“No. Kathy and Melinda did. The other one is at home. Shawn gave me the matching earrings this year.” 

“Nice.”

She eyes his charcoal suit and the crisp white shirt he wears underneath it, sans tie and with an open collar. “You look good too. You didn’t get all dolled up just for me.”

“I tried,” he says as he finally gets the clasp done. “Thanks for sending over someone to do Kyle’s hair.”

“Well, I knew that if I didn’t, she’d come over here with crooked pig tails or something.”

“You’re probably right. I didn’t know where to begin with her hair.”

“I figured as much. What are you doing here?” she asks as she adjusts her veil.

He takes in the full picture and she looks so much like a Bride. “Well, I came in here to wish you luck, but looking at you now, I realize that I can’t.”

“What?”

“Marry Me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I gotta ask: After everything that's happened who's side are you on? #TeamAidan or #TeamElliot


	18. Poison and Wine

Look at me! Posting after only 8 days. 

You EO fans go hard. I don’t think there is anything I could write to discourage you (Not that I’m trying to). Kudos to you on never losing hope.

I got passed over for a promotion today so I was feeling kind of bummed. Posting always makes me happy. I hope this chapter brings you the happiness I missed today.

Enjoy!

 

Chapter 18- Poison and Wine

You only know what I want you to…

He enters with every intention of wishing her luck. Of telling her he wishes her all the best, but then he sees her. He sees the way the crème of her dress accentuates her skin tone. The way it covers her in all the right places, but still leaves little to the imagination. Sexy yet elegant. Her hair and makeup are simple and natural, causing her natural beauty to outshine the diamonds and crystals that cover her from head to toe, and he sees her. 

He sees her.

He sees the woman that made her way towards him on a beautiful sandy beach in a simple white sundress. He sees the hours spent bonding on stakeouts playing “I spy” and “21 questions.” He sees long nights making love to her. He sees the mother of his child. He sees the woman he’s been in love with for more than a decade and he can’t just let her go.

“What?” she asks again, because this cannot be happening. 

I know everything you don't want me to…

“Marry Me,” he repeats. “Look, I know. I know this is crazy, I know I messed up, I was hurt and I was angry and I took it out on you, but Liv, I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I made a mistake, that’s all, it shouldn’t stop us from being happy. We can leave here and we can be a family. You, me, Kyle, and Shawn. We can make this work.”

You think your dreams are the same as mine…

“It’s my wedding day.”

“I know, and I’m sorry to do this now, but I had to tell you.”

“It’s my wedding day,” she repeats.

“Olivia…”

“It’s my wedding day and this is the day that you decide to do this? Where was all this months or even weeks ago? Why? Why would you do this now?!”

“You had to know. I couldn’t just let you get married without you knowing how I felt.”

“Why don’t you want me to be happy?”

“What?”

“Everything that’s made me happy you’ve sabotaged. I loved my job, and you made that difficult. I loved our daughter and you took her away from me. I loved you and you divorced me. Why can’t you just let me be happy?”

“Olivia, I want you to be happy. Believe me I do, but he’s not the one for you.” 

“You don’t even know him!”

“Of course I do! He’s a rich entitled pompous asshole! Just like the rest of them!”

“God, not this again.”

“How can you be with a man like him?! When we were partners you couldn’t stand guys like him. Now you’re going to marry one? You barely even know him. We were partners for over ten years and look how we ended up? And now you think it’s going to work with him? Forget the money. Without that, what do you even see in him?”

“Is that what you think of me? That I’m some gold digger?”

“No, I don’t think you are, but I just don’t see how you can be with a man like him. Especially after being with a man like me.”

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’m with him because I was with a guy like you? You broke me! I wanted to die because of you. You took away everything that mattered to me. Everything that I had worked for my entire life for was gone. I needed you. You weren’t just my husband, you were my partner. My blood and you abandoned me! Aidan loved the broken woman you left behind. He loves me for me, despite my past, despite having you as an ex. He’s never asked me to change who I am. You have. Aidan makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He makes me feel like life is worth living again. He makes me feel like love is worth the risk. He’s stuck by me and he’s fought for me harder than you ever would. When I’m with him I know I’m safe. I know I have someone to lean on. Someone who would always be there. Someone who will always love me, no matter what I do. I can’t say that about you.” 

“I made a mistake, but I never stopped loving you.”

“Yes, but I did. Aidan is everything I wished you would be and so much more. He makes me happy, Elliot. How can I not love him?” She turns away from him and adjusts her gloves, and he watches her prepare to marry a man that isn’t him. She moves to walk past him and he grabs a glove-encased hand.

Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise…

“Don’t do this,” he begs.

She looks at him with eyes mixed with sorrow and pity. “Goodbye Elliot,” she whispers to him and kisses his cheek. 

Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine…

He watches her head out the door where her bridesmaids are lying in wait. They surround her and begin to assist. One hands her a bouquet and another helps her with her never ending train before taking their places. The music begins and Simon steps in beside her and she links arms with him. The doors fly open and the first thing she spots are Aidan’s blue eyes. 

I don't have a choice but I still choose you…

She glances back at Elliot.

I don't love you…

His eyes lock with hers.

But I always will…

She takes a step forward and as Elliot watches her go his heart breaks. He knows his relationship with her will never be the same, but he will always love her. 

I always will.

XXXX

The music begins and violins begin to sing a song she has come to love and know by heart.

I’ve waited a hundred years  
But I’d wait a million more for you  
Nothing prepared me for  
What the privilege of being yours would do

Her eyes are fixed on Aidan and, while he’s always been one for expensive suits, today he looks particularly sharp in his custom made crème colored tailcoat. She remembers debating which designer to go with. Tom Ford versus Balmain. Versace versus Armani. In the end he had gone with his friend Vera. She personally designed every piece of clothing for their entire wedding party, including the yarmulkes the groom and his groomsmen wear on their heads. In his arms he holds their son. He looks as handsome as ever in his matching tuxedo and his hair slicked back to match his father’s. Her daughter stands among the other bridesmaids and flower girls, Livvy and Marissa - Haun’s daughter. Her family awaits her and suddenly she cannot wait to reach the end of the aisle.

XXXX

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch  
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush  
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough  
Well I would have known  
What I was living for all along  
What I’ve been living for

He’s waited so long for this day. He’s dated and loved so many women, but today he’s sure that he’s chosen the right one. She’s the vision of dream. He’s never seen another woman more beautiful. The dress fits her perfectly and accentuates her body in all the right ways. The diamonds only serve to further highlight her beauty. She smiles at him and he prays he will never forget this moment. He prays that there are more moments like this to come. He prays and he thanks God for sending her to him. He has never been more grateful to God for anything than he has been for her.

XXXX

Your love is my turning page  
Where only the sweetest words remain  
Every kiss is a cursive line  
Every touch is a redefining phrase

 

Olivia’s eyes divert from her family and takes in the scenery around her. The room is aglow in candle light. There must be thousands of white candles and even more roses. White roses, her favorite. They are everywhere. At her feet, on the walls. At the alter. Everywhere, but it’s not what has put the smile on her face. She fully expected her side of aisle to be empty, maybe a few sympathy guests from Aidan, but she never expected this. Her side is full of people from all different walks of her life. Friends she’s long forgotten. Victims she would once sacrifice her life for. How he found them she’ll never know, but she grateful that he did. They smile and wave at her, so clearly happy for her. She’s surprised when she spots Finn, Munch, Cragen, and even Alex Cabot. She would never expect them to be here for her, and she’s not sure she’s happy they’re there, but she’s made it to the end of the aisle. Aidan meets them and waits patiently while Simon kisses her cheek then places her hand in his.

I surrender who I’ve been for who you are  
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart  
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours  
Well I would have known  
What I’ve been living for all along  
What I’ve been living for

They make their way to the alter and stand before the rabbi with both of her hands in Aidan’s. His eyes are fixated on her. He can’t get over how beautiful she looks. In the audience, Elliot watches from his seat and waits for his moment, for his final chance.

“If there is anyone that has cause for why these two should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He begins to stand when he catches sight of them. Their eyes are fixated on each other and she genuinely looks happy. They turn their gazes to the crowd and her eyes meet his. 

I don’t love you…

But I always will…

Silent communication developed through the years. Even from several rows back, he can clearly read what she’s asking. They plead with him to let her have this. To let her be happy and he realizes he can’t do this to her. He can’t take away her happiness, even if it means sacrificing his own. He remains in his seat and watches on as the rabbi continues with the ceremony. They exchange vows and after the rings they seal it all with a kiss, and for the millionth time since the day he met her his heart breaks.

Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell  
When I saw you, well I knew we’d tell it well  
With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas  
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees

XXXX

“I now announce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Aidan Smith!!!” 

The happy couple walks out hand in hand while their guests cheer. She’s never been so happy. Ingrid Michaelson steps out onto the stage to the surprise of their guests and as the piano begins to play, Aidan pulls her in close to him.

 

Wise men say only fools rush in  
but I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay  
would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you

Olivia listens to the words and smiles as they sway to the music.

“You know this isn’t the song that we agreed on,” she says.

“I know, but I thought this one was more us.”

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
some things are meant to be  
take my hand, take my whole life too  
for I can't help falling in love with you

“So why is it more us when you pick it, but it’s not when I pick it.”

“Because you picked the Elvis Presley version.”

“The Elvis Presley version is a classic.”

“The Elvis Presley version is cliché. I went on YouTube to try and make myself like it more, and I found her version. So I hired her to come and sing it for us. When I listened to the words, really listened to it, I found that this song describes my feelings for you. My guess is that you feel the same way.”

“I do,” she says and kisses him chastely on the lips. “I do.”

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
some things are meant to be  
take my hand, take my whole life too  
for I can't help falling in love with you  
for I can't help falling in love with you

 

XXXX

Olivia puts her feet up on the chair beside her as she further relaxes in her seat. Shawn sleeps against her chest and she kisses the top of his head. In the seats surrounding the table sit Melinda and Kathy. Kathy drains her glass of champagne and reaches for the bottle to refill it.

“Champagne?” she offers.

“I’m good,” Olivia responds.

“I’ll take another glass.” 

Kathy passes the champagne bottle over to Melinda. 

“ ‘s beautiful wedding Olivia,” Kathy slurs.

Olivia and Melinda laugh. “Kath, how much have you had to drink?” Olivia grins.

“Not much. Couple glasses,” she slurs and holds up three fingers. “ ‘sokay. Kevin’s driving.”

“I’m going to cut you off anyway,” Melinda says.

Olivia gazes at the remnants of her wedding reception. It really was a beautiful wedding. Full of love and laughter, dancing and alcohol. So much alcohol. She looks over at Aidan, who is still on the dance floor with his friends. His hair is disheveled, his bowtie hangs untied around his neck, and his shirt is a rumpled mess, but it’s the happiest she’s ever seen him. The song changes and it’s a slower melody that she has come to know. She looks over and Aidan locks eyes with her as he makes his way over. 

“Can I have this dance?” he asks.

“Ai, my feet have been killing me and I just got a chance to put them up. Besides, Shawn is asleep.”

“I’ll take him!” Kathy offers.

“No, I’ll take him,” Melinda counters. “You just focus on staying upright in your chair.”

“Please? You can keep your shoes off.” Aidan offers.

She sighs. “Fine.” She hands Shawn over to Melinda then takes Aidan’s hand. 

He leads them out to the dance floor and he pulls her against his body. He’s all muscle. She rests her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat.

“Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?” he sings along to the song. “Will you still love me when I have nothing but my aching soul? I know you will. I know you will. I know you will.”

She knows why he loves this song. Why he wanted it to be their song. It’s so them in so many ways. They’ve had so many happy times together. It hasn’t taken them long to get here, but it has been quite the uphill battle. She’s glad they’ve made it.

The song changes and she sinks even further into him. The waitstaff continues to clear the tables as the last of their guests trickle out the room. She tunes out the chatter and whatever else is going on around them until it is just them swaying slowly to the music. It is just them and them in this moment is pure perfection.

What if I wait and you don't show  
If I left you half just to keep me whole  
What if I held my breath so long  
Would you notice the silence had lasted so long  
What if the closest I get to the moment is now

I have seen love come and go  
I watched it pass with my heart held close  
There's no easy way to know  
If I'm looking back or I'm getting close  
What if the closest I get to the moment is now

Love it has no guarantees  
Which muse will lay its hands on me  
We said the words we knocked on wood  
And I'm still here waiting to see what could be.  
What if the closest I get to the moment is now?

 

XXXX

“Take care of my baby,” Olivia says as she kisses Shawn’s head then hands him over to Simon.

“Don’t worry, Olivia. We got him,” Tracy answers. “Ty and Livvy are so excited he’s coming. Simon and I have the week off and we have a ton of activities planned, so don’t worry about a thing.”

“Thanks, we really appreciate you helping us out like this,” Aidan says.

“Yeah, especially since Melody is going to be staying with Kyle and Elliot until we get back.”

“Did Kyle leave already? I didn’t get the chance to tell her goodbye,” Simon says.

“Yeah, she’s spending the night with Kevin and Kathy tonight. Elliot’s going to pick her up tomorrow,” Olivia explains.

“Well, you two have a good night, and congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Olivia says and smiles when Aidan takes her hand and leads her to their waiting limo.

XXXX

“Wait wait wait, I have to carry my bride over the threshold.”

“Aidan, no!” she giggles as he attempts to lift her. He eventually figures out a way to sweep her off her feet and carry her into their honeymoon suite. He twirls her around before setting her down on her feet and pulls her close.

“Wow, look at this,” she says as she admires the room. Candles are strewn about, adding to the ambiance created by the fire that roars in the fireplace. Their bed has a rose petal heart in the middle of it. “How cliché is this?”

He doesn’t care that their room looks like something out of a romance novel. He’s just glad that she’s here in his arms as his wife. “We made it,” he says.

“Yeah, we did,” she replies back. His mouth descends on hers and she opens hers to the probing of his tongue.

“You invited my old work colleagues?”

“Yeah. I wanted them to see how far you’ve come. That they didn’t break you.”

“Thanks, but I would have rather that they not have been there.”

“Did you notice who wasn’t there?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m sorry your parents didn’t come. I tried talking to your mother.”

“You talked to my mother?”

“Yeah, I knew how important it was to you that they be there. Especially since your sister couldn’t make it either. I’m sorry they didn’t come.”

“They’re my only family and it’s like they don’t even care.”   
“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re my family now and the fact that you went to talk to them... Babe, that’s one of the reasons that I married you.” He pulls her in for a deep soul searching kiss that immediately turns heated. “You know we don’t have to, if you’re not ready or-”

“No. I want to. I do.”

He pulls away from her and holds both her hands in his.“You sure? Because last time-”

“I know, but I want to.”

He sighs. “Ok. Ok. So…” he says, unsure on how to begin.

“This is awkward. When did this become awkward?”

“Well, are you surprised? Really? After everything we’ve been through?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Maybe if we sit and talk for a bit? Work our way there?”

“Alright.” He takes her hand and leads her to the couch where they sit side by side. “So how was your day?”

“Pretty great. I met this great girl. Then I married her.”

“Really? Sounds like a lucky girl.”

“No. I’m the lucky one,” she smiles and his heart melts. “Aidan, there’s something I have to tell you, and I want to tell you this because I don’t want to start off our marriage with any secrets.” 

He frowns. “What secret?” 

She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Elliot asked me to marry him.”

“What?” he laughs. “When?”

“Today. Before the wedding.”

“What?!” He stands. “Today during the ceremony. When the rabbi asked if anyone objected you looked at him. I saw you look at him. You wanted him to object.”

“No, I-”

“Yes, you did!”

“Oh my God. I’m such an idiot. I’m. Such. An IDIOT!!!” He begins pacing.

“Aidan, stop! You’ve misunderstood!”

“If you think you’re going to get a penny out of me. Damn it, my lawyer is going to kill me. I should have signed the pre-nup.” 

“What? You didn’t sign the pre-nup? Why?”

“Because I felt GUILTY!!! You were right when I asked you to sign it. It wasn’t fair of me to ask you to sign it when you wouldn’t get anything if we divorced. I wasn’t trusting you. Now I see I was right not to.”

“Aidan-” 

“We’re getting this annulled first thing Monday morning.”

“Let me explain.”

“No! I’m leaving. I can’t even look at you right now!” He says before he storms out the room slamming the door behind him. 

XXXX

She waits for him to return, pacing the room in her wedding dress. She thinks of things to say to him. Of how to explain herself in a way that he might understand, but when one hour turns into two, and two nears three, she decides to go look for him. She expects to find him in the bar, but he is nowhere to be found. She wanders the various rooms and function halls and eventually finds him in one. The room is empty, save for the piano that sits in the corner of the room where he’s seated. He hits keys at random with no hope of creating a tune.

“Aidan,” she calls softly.

“Leave me alone.”

She sits down beside him. “I know you’re mad, but-” 

“No buts, Olivia. There’s no ‘buts’ in this situation. I loved you. I fought hard for you. Tooth and nail. How could you do this to me?”

“I got you a wedding gift. Please let me give it to you.” 

“Olivia-”

“Let me give you the gift. Then I’ll sign whatever you want and this will all be over.”

XXXX

“So where’s this gift?” Aidan asks as they enter the room.

“Sit on the bed.”

“Just so you know, sex isn’t going to fix this. I don’t care how long it’s been,” he says as he notes the refreshed romantic setting of the room.

“Please just sit.”

He sighs and sits on the bed and she sits beside him. “Elliot and I didn’t have sex until our wedding night,” she begins.

“Seriously, Olivia?”

“Let me explain, Aidan. Please.”

“Fine. Go on.”

She takes a deep breath and fixes her eyes on the fire roaring in the fireplace. “It wasn’t planned. It just happened that way. At first, I wanted us to wait because we were still partners when we started dating and if we didn’t work out I didn’t want the fact that we slept together to make things awkward. So we waited and then when we finally decided we were ready for sex, we kept getting interrupted or called in to work, so we decided we would do it when we went to Hawaii on vacation, but then Elliot’s daughter suggested we get married our first day there, so we figured what’s one more day, right? That night was special because we waited. It was about us connecting in a way we hadn’t before and that made it special.”

“Too bad we already slept together.”

“I wanted tonight to be special too. So I started thinking of a way to do that. I got an idea one day when I was watching some talk show. The reason why it was awkward after we slept together last time is because I wasn’t ready even though I thought I was. I felt dirty and I felt wrong for allowing you to be with me like that. Like I was tainted and I was infecting you by allowing you to sleep with me…” She sighs. “There have been so many men,” she swallows hard and closes her eyes to hold back her tears, but they bleed through anyway. 

“Olivia,” Aidan says and takes her hand.

“Even before I decided to sleep with men for drug money. There have been so many men before them and you deserve a woman that hasn’t been used by half the men in Manhattan. I’ve been going to therapy to learn how to love myself again after all of that, and how to feel like I was worthy of you and your love. I wanted a way to do that so on my trip to Vegas for my bachelorette party I saw a plastic surgeon and had some work done. I wanted us to start fresh so I had my hymen restored.”

“What?! Olivia, why would you do that? You had surgery and didn’t tell me? What if something had gone wrong? I would have never known.”

“Relax. It was a simple outpatient procedure and Mel was there, and so was Kathy. I was in good hands. Aidan, I know this can’t erase my past, but I wanted us to start fresh, because I love you Aidan, and you deserve the best.”

“Yes, which is why I deserve you.”

“Then have me Aidan.”

His lips descend on hers then and his kiss is different and the same all at the same time. There’s an urgency to it that she has yet to experience from him and yet a familiarity that she’s always known. She parts her lips and his tongue enters her mouth. He probes the depths of her mouth and breathes her in like she’s his air. He breaks apart from her and stands pulling her to stand with him.

“Turn around.”

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round…

She turns and his nimble fingers undo the clasp of her dress. She can feel his heated breath on her neck as he slides her dress down her arms and exposing the naked flesh of her breasts. His lips find her neck and he trails his kisses down her neck. She moans into the quiet of the night when he fills his palms with her breasts. Her eyes fix on the embers in the fire place as they flicker and glow, adding to the light created by the candles. 

She turns in his arms and pushes his blazer off his shoulders. Her elegant fingers quickly undo his shirt and he aides her in removing it, along with the wife beater he wears. She runs her hands down the hardness of his chest before wrapping them around his neck and melding her mouth to his. He lifts her and she secures her legs around his waist without removing her lips from his. He lays her down on the bed and pulls away from her to kneel between her legs. She lies before him in nothing but a white garter belt and matching panties. The light on her skin is magical as it highlights all the contours of her body, but that’s nothing compared to what it does to her eyes.

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified, and then I see the look in your eyes…

The light highlights her eyes and for the first time he sees them in a way that he never has before. He’s never noticed the flecks of gold before in her irises or the ring of hazel that circles her pupil. He’s always known her eyes were beautiful, it was one of the first things he noticed when he first saw her. He’s always gotten lost in her eyes. He’s always known they were beautiful, he’s just never realized they were this beautiful.

Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart…

He kneels before her with the body a god. He’s hard in all the right places, and soft in all the right places, but throughout he has skin that is as smooth as butter. He kneels before her with strong, muscular arms and a six-pack abdomen that is a testament to the dedication he pays to his body. He kneels before her as the vision of an angel. He’s always been her saving grace. He’s always picked her up when she was down. He’s always been everything she needed. Smart, funny, loving, attentive, strong, and a million other things, but tonight he’s so much more. Tonight he’s her husband. Tonight he kneels before her as the man she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. 

And I need you now tonight. And I need you more than ever…

She undoes the button to his slacks and slowly inches down the zipper. She pushes them down to settle around his thighs and he kicks them off along with his shoes when he returns to her. She rolls him onto his back and straddles his waist smiling down at him. She decides to start her kisses at his neck and trails them downward over his chest and abdomen. She kisses his erection as it strains against the cotton of his tighty whities and he moans above her. She frees his erection, pulling his underwear off along with his socks. She returns to him and pulls his penis into her mouth. She moves her lips over him slowly while using her tongue to play with the tip. She kisses down his shaft and back up again before taking him back in her mouth. Her fist works in tandem with the hand that massages his ball sack. Above her, Aidan groans and fists the sheets in his hand. 

“I’m gonna cum,” he pants, but her ministrations continue. “I’m gonna c-” he explodes in her mouth and she swallows him whole. When he opens his eyes again he finds her resting on his chest, staring at him with her chin in her hand and a smug look on her face. “C’mere,” he says before quickly flipping her over. Her laughter is music to his years. “You’re so beautiful,” he tells her and then kisses her. 

Their kiss is heated and the fervor of their kiss stimulates the erotic senses of his brain. He’s ready and he dips his fingers into her panties to see if she is as well and while she is slick with the anticipation of him, she’s still not quite where he wants her to be. He trails his kisses down her neck and stops to pay particular attention to the spot at the base of the column of her neck that he knows she loves. He continues downward and pulls a peaked nipple into his mouth. He suckles her like a hungry child before switching breasts and doing the same on the other. He trails his kisses down her body, taking time to worship every inch of her. He pulls off her panties and parts her reverently. He takes his time kissing her inner thighs and her outer labia, everywhere but where she wants him most. He parts her slit and slowly licks her, causing her to moan loudly above him. He continues to lick her while periodically using the tip of his tongue to tickle her clitoris, causing her to arch up off the bed. He takes her to the brink, but he doesn’t let her fall. Instead he pauses and moves back to her other set of lips. He kisses her passionately and shifts his body into the cradle of her thighs. The heat and anxiety rises in both of them, but he pauses. 

“What?” she asks.

“I’ve never de-flowered a girl before.”

She laughs. “You’re not telling me you’re nervous, are you?”

“Just a little.”

She kisses the corner of his mouth. “It’s just me and you. Just like before. It’s just me and you.”

And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever…

He kisses her then and it’s a kiss unlike all the others. It’s the kiss of a new beginning. A kiss of a fresh start. A kiss as a prelude to the rest of their lives. A kiss as a beginning to forever. He enters her slowly and she tenses on him. Grips him tighter. He knows his size is a factor so he takes his time easing into her because he doesn’t want to hurt her more than he has to. It’s not really their first time, but for the first time there’s no barrier and for the first time she can feel all of him. He watches her face. Watches it twist in pain. Watches her teeth sink into her lower lip to keep from crying out. He settles fully inside her and it’s home. It’s where he always wants to be and it’s where he never wants to leave. Her eyes open and find his. They’re filled with trust and love.

“Ok?” she asks.

“Yes, just a little…tight,” he strangles out. “You had more than just your hymen restored.”

She grins like she’s done something right and when she kisses him, all life falls away and it’s just them. He starts a slow rhythm that gradually increases pace. Her hips arch up to meet his and his kisses move from her mouth to her neck while his hand massages her breast. He rolls them so that she’s on top and she’s the vision of a dream. She rocks over him while he plays with her clit and fondles her breast. He pulls one into his mouth and she groans above him. She pulls the pins out of her hair and when it falls past her shoulders he fists his hand in it. She cums unexpectedly and he balls the sheets up in his hands as she pulses around him and he does his best not cum with her. He rolls her onto her back and she sighs his name.

“Aidan.”

He spreads her legs wide and begins thrusting inside her with a staccato rhythm that causes her to cry out in ecstasy. He threads his fingers through hers and pins her hands above her head. He loses himself in her, he loses himself to her. Beads of sweat form and roll down his back as he lets go and drives into her with the full force of his pent up hormones and she enjoys every stroke of him. Her legs fall away from his waist and he lets go of her hands to open her up further. This time when she comes he’s ready for her and he withdraws before she can clench around him. He returns to her before she knows he was gone and picks up where he left off, except with her legs hooked over his arms. She reaches for him and hooks her arms under his and onto his shoulders and holds on. Her lips attaches to his neck and her nails rake down his back. He lays her back and pushes deeper inside of her. She kisses him, threading her fingers through his hair. This time they come together and he holds his place while the force of her contractions threaten to push him out. His warmth spreads through her and she holds him, close to her.

When they finish their bodies are covered in sweat and rose petals. He lies against her chest and listens as the beating of her heart slows along with her breathing. She absently runs her fingers through his hair and he raises up to touch his lips to her own. Strands of hair cling to the sweat on her forehead and he brushes them away. He kisses her languidly until his eyes droop. He rolls unto his back and pulls her with him. She tangles her legs with his and rests her head against his chest, but her eyes never close.

XXXX

Later that night, Aidan wakes up aroused and ready for another round. He reaches for her and he’s met with cold empty sheets. He pushes up and looks around. The room has lost its romantic glow. The candles have all burned out and only the fire remains. Though he’s still unable to locate his wife. The diamonds she had on sit on the bedside table and her dress hangs in the closet beside his suit, but she is nowhere to be found. He gets out of bed and peels a few rose petals off his ass then pulls on his underwear. He walks out the bedroom and finds her on the couch, freshly showered and in a bathrobe. 

“You trying to kill my battery?” he asks when he spots her playing games on his phone.

“I needed to send my Sims to work,” she answers.

“What are you doing up? Our flight to Greece doesn’t leave for a few more hours. Come back to bed,” he requests and reaches for her hand.

She stands instead. “I’m not coming back to bed and I’m not going with you to Greece. I was actually sitting here trying to figure out what would be the best way to tell you this, but I’m leaving you,” she says simply and heads over to her suitcase to pull out something to wear.

“What?”

“My lawyer will draw up the papers to get this annulled on Monday and send them over to your lawyers. I’ll also have her schedule a mediation time for us to discuss visitation for Shawn and have it legalized by a judge.”

“What-what I don’t understand I-”

“I’m leaving you.”

“No,” he says definitively.

“Yes. This isn’t going to work.”

“What – what about last night?”

“Well, I went through the trouble of having the surgery and everything for you. I might as well. Besides I wanted that night with you. One last night before I leave.”

“No!” He stands and snatches her clothes out of her hands and tosses it aimlessly. “You’re not leaving me.” 

“Yes, I am.”

“No!!!” he roars. He takes her and pulls her to the couch. “We’re going to talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she snatches her hands out of his.

“We’re married, you don’t just get to walk out.”

“Oh and you do? We’re married all of six hours and you ask me for a divorce because you think I married you for the money? Please.”

“That’s not-”

“It is. I mean, earlier I was excited about spending the rest of my life with you, but after we had sex-”

“Made love,” he corrects.

“After we fucked I realized this is what my life would be, and I don’t want it to. I have better things to be doing with my time and my life than trying to convince you that I love you.”

“You saying you don’t love me anymore?”

She sighs. “I put so much of myself into my first marriage. I gave it everything I had. My heart. My soul. My everything, and then he divorced me. And I think that’s why it hurt so much and why I took it the way I did. To sacrifice so much of yourself, of who you are, for another person and then to have that person tell you they don’t want you anymore is more than heartbreaking. It’s devastating and I can’t risk going through that again. I have too much to lose if I do and I’m tired of chasing after men that are constantly running away from me. I love you Aidan, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to convince you of that and I’m not going to.”

“You won’t have to.”

“Yes, I will. You’ve been running away from me this entire relationship, and I’m tired of chasing after you. I thought maybe us getting married would convince you that I’m committed to you and our life together, but it hasn’t. You’re still running away. Besides, this is what you wanted right?” 

“No. No, this is not what I wanted!”

“It’s what you wanted a few hours ago.”

He never considered this scenario. He spends day in and day out making calculated steps. It’s the brilliance of his job. He’s always five steps ahead of his opposition. He’s always had a plan B and C ready to go at a moment’s notice. He’s always had a counter attack for every scenario, but he doesn’t have one for this one. He always thought he would be the one to leave her. He never once considered she would be the one to leave him. 

“Tell me what to do,” he begs. “Tell me how to fix this.”

“There isn’t a way to fix this.” 

“There has to be because you just told me you loved me, and you can’t just walk away from someone you love.”

“Why not? You did.”

“Yeah, but I made a mistake. I see that now. Don’t make the same mistake I did.” 

She rolls her eyes. “You sound just like Elliot.”

He does.

He does.

He never understood Elliot’s position until this very moment. A brash decision made without consideration for what he would be giving up. What he stood to lose. So much time spent trying not be him only to become him in the end. “I’m sorry. I was upset.”

“Still sound like him.”

“My parents didn’t come to my wedding and my sister thought her research was more important than witnessing the most important day of my life. My biological parents made the conscientious decision to give me up without a second thought. They weren’t some stupid teenagers that forgot to wear a rubber. They didn’t weren’t poor, or sick, or incompetent. They just didn’t want me. They just didn’t love me. No one has ever loved me. Not until you and I thought…I thought-”

“How do you know this? How did you know about your biological parents?”

“Because I met them! I found out who they were. My dad was a successful investment banker and my mother was a doctor. They didn’t want a kid. They didn’t want me.” His eyes fill with tears he refuses to cry and she can’t help but go to him. Because she does love him. No matter how insecure he may be. 

“I love you,” she tells him. “You have to remember that. You must always remember that.” She feels him nod his head. “You bring up the word divorce or anything like it, and I’m gone.” 

“Ok.”

“I’m serious, Aidan. I’m having my lawyer draw up the papers, so should I need them they will be ready at a moment’s notice, and I will not look back. I won’t become the woman I was after Elliot left me. I can’t. I have too many people counting on me.”

“I know.”

“And no running away either. We work things out.”

“Don’t we always work things out? C’mere.” He sits on the couch and pulls her to straddle his lap. He hugs and holds her tight happy to have his wife back once again. “You know we do have a few hours before we have to catch that plane. Plenty of time to…” He loosens the knot that holds her robe closed, exposing her naked body to his seductive eyes. “Well, you know.”

She rolls her eyes. “Go grab us a blanket.”

He hurries off and grabs the comforter off the bed. He spreads it in front of the fire place then watches as she removes her robe. This time when he enters her, he can’t believe how lucky he is to have her in his life. How lucky he is to have her as his wife. He’s never imagined that he would be this happy in his life and it’s only the beginning. There is still plenty more to come.

Forever's gonna start tonight. Forever's gonna start tonight.

XXXXX

So I have good news and bad news. Bad news is: this is the end…sort of. Good news is: There is plenty more to this story. Bad news is: I need to write it. =/ So in the mean time re-read this and my other works to tide you over. Thank you so much to all of you that have read this story. A special thank you to those that have reviewed this story. It’s because of you this story was posted. Your support gives me the strength and the courage to post anything on here. Your support is the reason why I’m going to focus on finishing this story. I owe it to you to finish this.

P.S Don’t think I didn’t notice we reached 200 reviews. I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Thanks for all your kind and critical words. They made me the writer I am today.

Music Credits: Poison and Wine-The Civil Wars  
Turning Page- Sleeping At Last  
Can’t Help Falling In Love- Ingrid Michaelson  
Closest I get-Katie Herzig  
Total Eclipse of The Heart- Sleeping At Last


End file.
